Thursday, May 31, 2007

hAAlf nAAked Thursday

This is me hAAlf awAAke for see more hAAlf nAAked fun click here..., and just so I don't scare ya too much, here are a couple more garden pics for your enjoyment...

If you can ignore the chain link fence and the toys from my neighbors yard, there is no place I'd rather be than in my garden! And to remind us all what the purpose of life is, here is todays Daily Reflection...

...our society has concluded that it has but one high mission- to carry the AA message to those who don't know there is a way out.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 131

The "light" to freedom shines bright on my fellow alcoholics as each one of us challenges the other to grow. The "Steps" to self-improvement have small beginnings, but each Step builds the "ladder" out of the pit of despair to new hope. Honesty becomes my tool to unfurl the "chains" which bound me. A sponsor, who is a caring listener, can help me to truly hear the message guiding me to freedom.
I ask God for the courage to live in such a way that the Fellowship may be a testimony to His favor. This mission frees me to share my gifts of wellness through a spirit of readiness to serve others.

Today I am grateful for the following...
  • to see a new(er)comer pick up her thirty day chip
  • that there were a lot of people willing to look at relapse prevention last night
  • that day by day, I am becoming more well
  • I have the patience to wait for my celebration a week after my sobriety date!
  • that I am choosing to not eat junk for breakfast
  • to be happy, not envious, for the good fortune of others
  • today I am able to pay my bills
  • another 24 hours of clean and sober living
  • I am meeting with my new sponsor at the woman's group tonight
  • for ALL of YOU...

Happy HNT everyone, choose to have a good day!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Hey there people! I survived my shopping trip with Angel, her friend ended up cancelling at the last minute, so it was just me and my baby. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. In the group home, each gurl is given $500.00 once a year for clothing, so Angel had half of that with her. I learned a lot about me during our travels! For one thing, I am no longer jealous about all the teeny tiny little gurls running around out there! Angel is a perfect little size 6, which would be a size 4 in American! I noticed when she was trying on clothes, that she had no qualms about it, she chose things that she liked, after asking my opinion. I also found out that I missed that most fun part of being a teenager. For me, clothes shopping is always, shall we say, traumatic? I have a very skewed self image, indeed to the point that, what I see, is often so distorted, that I cannot rely on my own judgement. So for me, the shopping brought up some old feelings, and that is really no surprise, as I am staying clean and sober. My sh*tty committee is trying to sabotage me by challenging my worthiness, through my body image. Thank God, I have a counsellor who knows me so well. We spent yesterday, helping to get me back on a good track.

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, and as usual, it speaks to me about self acceptance...

The only requirment for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 139

I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to AA, I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me is the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God's will for us.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • my feelings are nor facts
  • I can be happy for someone else's good fortune
  • shopping with a teenager can be a character building experience for me
  • I have more new blooms in my garden today
  • my "Boys" won against the Yankees last night
  • once I have accepted something, it no longer holds me prisoner
  • I am learning to love my body, one part at a time- I have cute little feeties!
  • Angel has decided to come back home to momma!
  • I have a safe place to lay my head at night
  • if my day sucks, I can start it over
  • to learn that love for self and others does not have to hurt anyone
  • to be clean and sober today
  • all of my fellow bloggers, yes, that means YOU!

Off to take pictures of my garden/jungle... If ya want to view my slideshow, click on view all images... Stalk to ya soon...

Saturday, May 26, 2007


I wanted to post yesterday, because I thought I had a lot to say. But first I had the idea to download a picture to go with my post. I had a picture in mind, so all I had to do was find a suitable image and download it... simple, right? Well this is me we're talking about, and it seems that I had made plans and then told my HP what they were... As you may have noticed, there was no posting from Lushgurl yesterday! It all goes along with the theme of acceptance, I think. Try as I did, I could not find and download a picture of a winding road, not meant to be I guess! And on the theme of acceptance... even though it hurt like hell, I had begun to accept that Angel was not coming home. I had talked about it at length, here, there and everywhere (hey, I just noticed, there also seems to be another theme going on here, can you see it?). Anyway, having been able to let go of my child, I felt I was able to move on. Of course Angel is the child of (two) alcoholics, and faced with the possibility of having someone else make choices for her, decided to choose for herself! It seems that she has decided to come home YAY! But wait, there's more...

I am now faced with another fear, what if I am not able to be a good mom again? In talking to our Children's Aid Worker, Angel had asked about this very thing. The decision was made to allow her to come back home, but with a six month supervision order. So if our lives begin to unravel, she can still go back into care. Yippee, I think knowing that we have a back door, an escape hatch if you will, has eased some of the fears for both of us, We will not be condemned to stay together forever if things go terribly wrong! We can work it out... It seems that good old HP is telling Angel to "Get back to where you once belonged" ! On that note, here is today's Daily Reflection's reading...

Our spiritual and emotional growth in AA does not depend so deeply upon our success as it does upon our failures and setbacks. If you will bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs instead of kicking you down.

As Bill Sees It pg. 184

In keeping with the pain and adversity which our founders encountered and overcame in establishing AA, Bill W. sent us a clear message: a relapse can provide a positive experience toward abstinence and a lifetime of recovery. A relapse brings truth to what we hear repeatedly in the meetings- "Don't take that first drink!" It reinforces the belief in the progressive nature of the disease, and it drives home the need for, and beauty of humility in our spiritual program. Simple truths come in complicated ways to me when I become ego driven.

Today I am very thankful for the following...

  • I can learn from my mistakes
  • we all are human after all
  • a good friend in the program has offered to pick up my medallion
  • someone else is baking me a cake
  • for me acceptance is the key
  • the reminder that this is a simple program if I don't complicate it
  • all we need is faith and fellowship and love- la la la la la- all you need is love....
  • today I can choose to think positively
  • for each and every one of my fellow bloggers- yes, that means YOU

Well, today I am off to go shopping with two teenagers- wish me luck!! Love you guys (just in case I don't survive said excursion!)

Shopping Spree Girls Rule

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

  • I was able to post to HNT for the second time!

  • the cleansing tears that I have shed

  • for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life

  • I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober

  • the road I walk upon is always changing for the better

  • we are not alone in our trAAvels

  • someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person

  • today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be

  • I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it

  • I want to take care of me today- what a change !

  • for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here:


Wednesday, May 23, 2007


After completing my list, I came across a few more phobias to add to my list, just happened upon them in my blog-stalking... dentists, heights, and bridges, growing old alone !! My good friend Granny-Ann, then directed me to the following...

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding" Amen

Page 76 AA Big Book

I knew as soon as I had read it, that this was the Seventh Step prayer. A sponsor I had in Barrie told me to read it everyday. She said that it was not enough to just be willing to have God remove all of my defects of character, now I had to get busy and ask Him to do just that! It's like she would quote the Big Book to me, with all of its' suggestions, in such a way that I "got it". And after all of these years of going back out, and returning to the program, the lessons of that sponsor come back to me at times like this. Kind of like riding a bike without falling off and breaking ones' nose!

As I mentioned a few days ago, I have been on an emotional seesaw lately, of course I had a few up days, and now the seesaw is going back down. I have increasingly begun to have a feeling that Angel doesn't really want to come home, call it mothers' intuition, I dunno. I have initiated the conversation with her on several occasions being careful about how I approach it. I don't want to add to the pressure she must already be feeling by trying to sway her decision. The thing is, I keep getting the same answer "I don't know mom, it's like 50/50 for me. I want to come home, but I also want to stay where I am..." Despite her words though, I have been feeling more that she wants to become a crown ward. On that side... She will soon be given the chance to live on her own in assisted living. They set her up in a room in a house with other gurls. There is minimal supervision. She is given money for food and clothing etc. They will also pay for college after she finishes high school. Hmmm, tough choice huh? 16, on your own, rent paid, money to spend, no adults (to speak of)... Gee, what would I do in that situation?
On the mommy side... a mom who loves me forever, a mom who has rules and boundaries, a mom who is clean and sober today but has messed up many times in the past... Yup, it's a tough call.

Well yesterday, I needed to have more information. So I called my CAS worker to ask what would happen if Angel made the decision to stay in care and become a crown ward. He said that the judge would honour her wishes. Apparently, all along, Angel has expressed to him that she did indeed want to stay in care. So if he is being truthful with me, my intuition has been right on. And Angel being Angel is more concerned about my feelings than she should be, so she is afraid to tell me how she really feels. OUCH. Of course I want her to come home truth be told I also have a lot of fears about this. I am not used to being a full time mom now. We get along great for the weekends. I can be strong, take care of me, and be a good mom for two or three days at a time. We are getting much better at addressing problems as they come up, so conflict is minimal. But the thought of being a full time mom to a very hormonal teenager with an attitude and, I'm sure, a lot of unexpressed anger at the mommy...hmmm, tough choice again!

Yesterday I did get the opportunity to spend time with a good friend, so it was good to air some of my thoughts, and get feedback. I then called my sponsor to firm up plans for my birthday. She told me that she has been extremely busy lately and that is why she hadn't returned my last few calls. Then she told me how she was going away every weekend with a new boyfriend, I asked if she would be there to give me my medallion, and she said no! I went numb, I could not believe what my ears had told my brain. I asked her if she could make an exception on my 1st birthday, and go to her cottage on Saturday instead, and then she said she didn't feel that she was sponsor material anymore, that I needed to find someone who could be more available to me. OK, I can accept the rejection, but I need someone to sponsor me today! I have a lot of stuff going on, and it is only two weeks until my celebration. I honestly cannot believe she would pick now to tell me this.

So now I hafta go back to the beginning of my post, where I was talking about my fears. Anyone care to recite the following with me? I could use a little extra help right now!

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."
Page 76 AA Big Book

On that note here is what I am grateful for today...

  • to be clean and sober
  • to have faced heartbreak and rejection before, and get through it
  • to have people in my life who love me and want the best for me
  • my garden and all its' new blooms
  • for AA and the fellowship
  • for a really good sleep in a safe home
  • the courage to accept the things I cannot change
  • for today- a new start
  • that I am able to find beauty in a sometimes yucky world
  • all of my cyber friends and admirers LOL
  • all of you who reach out to me and share your E S and H- thank you!

Seesaw Anyone care to play today? Have a great day in the playground of life!

Monday, May 21, 2007


I don't know how much recovery I'll be able to fit into this post, but it's all good. I was tagged by my friend Nael- visit her here- Here goes nothing...

A- Attached or Single? Umm, big surprise, I am hopelessly single!

B- Best Friend- Me and my HP, sometimes my Angel too!

C- Cake or Pie-Hmm... cake or pie, pie or cake yeah, OK, one of each- remember I AM an alcoholic

D-Drink of choice- OK, this is a tough one, I loooove my coffee (refer back to the I am an alcoholic statement) but I gotta admit, I just love ice cold water! And with all these yummy 'Crystal light' flavors out there now, I'm drinking so much water, I feel like I'm floating! LOL

E- Essential Items-Hmmm , this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't think I'd love life as much without my sweet computer! Now that I have apparently figured out how to do stuff on it...

F- Favorite color-gee, I wonder if anyone out there knows what my favorite colour is? I'll give y'all a hint, I surround you, me and everyone with it, whenever you visit me here!

G- Gummi Bears or Worms- I love those cute little bears, but I am a real jerk when it comes to chewing my food properly, so I usually choke on them little buggers! So I guess I'll hafta pick the worms... Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms....

H- Hometown- I was born in Halifax (Nova Scotia), but have lived in Ottawa for most of my life, so for today, Ottawa is my hometown

I-Indulgence- Ice cream. So fattening, but I still do it. Breyer's, usually dark cherry with chocolate.--- this is what Nael said... funny thing is I just happened upon this very ice cream last night- YUUUUMMMMMY! But if I'm goona be honest about it- CHOCOLATE- for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert- better than sex LOL

J- January or February?- I am so over yesterday, it has passed forever beyond my control, tomorrow is not yet that leaves me with just one day.... Um, let's see, it's May? Um, yeah May is my favorite month!!!

K- Kids- If you're asking if I want any...uh, no thanks, I never really liked kids ( just kidding), if you're asking how many I have, well that would depend on the day! Apparently I gave birth to one very beautiful little gurl almost 16 years ago. Some days she feels like an army of one, other days, I feel like I am so alone in the world... Today I am the proud parent of one beautiful Angel who is sleeping soundly in her bed SSSHHHH...don't wake her up yet! You can visit her here- she'd love to see a few comments on her own little bloggy!

L- Life is incomplete without- sobriety, family, friends. In that order. I was too lazy to type this out myself, so I shamelessly stole Nael's answer, but hey, it works for me too!

M- Marriage Date- April 15th 1989. As some of you already know it was a short and not-so-sweet marriage, I left him in December of that same year....remind me not to do THAT again!

N-Number of Siblings- One sister, we used to be thick as thieves in our much younger days, but time, and my addictions were not kind to my little big sister (she is called that because she is younger than I, but has always been as big, or bigger than me- as in taller)

O- Oranges or Apples?- I love juicy, sweet oranges , but every so often I'll get a craving for an apple, especially in the fall, like a Gala or maybe a Granny Smith- yumm

P- Phobias/Fears- How much time do ya have... Flying , thunder storms, the dark, spiders (not a big snake fan either), come to think of it roaches *shivers*, there are probably lots more, but thinking about all the phobias I have has made me afraid to think about all the phobias I have- hey, maybe that's another phobia- the fear of thinking about ones' phobias- I'll hafta google it later!

Q- Favorite Quote- "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through..." You know the rest (I hope, I have it posted in my blog!). I love this one from Mary J. Blige too, " I blame X for nothing, but I forgive X everything", and another fav is from Maya Anjelou " We did what we knew how to do, when we knew better, we did better...". I'm not sure if I got this last quote exactly right, but I hope you know it. Last but not least, every time I hear this man speak, I am moved to tears, the little hairs on my body stand up on end, and I get big ol' goosebumps, does it sound familiar to any of you? " .... I have a dream..."

R- Reason to Smile- the sunshine, my garden, birds chirping, childrens' laughter, seeing my Angel walk into a room- any room, a baby- that isn't mine!, new born animals, my life in general, I am sober today.

S- Seasons- Hmmm, I'll give you guys a hint here, the snow finally melting, new stuff growing, the start of baseball season, the promise of the dog days of summer just around the corner....

T- Tags- I don't know who to tag, I have done this quiz before, although it must have been before I garnered all the throngs of friends and admirers of my humble postings.... So, I dunno, if ya feel like doing it, blame it on me, and if your name starts with the letter "S" I'll be stalkin' ya later to see if you have taken me up on my challenge...BWAAAHAHAHA

U- Unknown fact about me- gosh, this is a tough one too. My life is pretty much an open book these days, hmmm.... did ya know that when I was 15, I had a 'nose job'? Some of my childhood nicknames included 'hook, beak, and prominent probiscus, this last given to me by my dad' Yup! I had suffered from very severe allergies, and had what they call a deviated septum, so in attempt to help me actually BREATHE, I was given a rhinoplasty. The thing is though, apparently, I was born with an unusually large, dare I say hideous growth on my face, in lieu of a more normal looking shnoz, I however was unaware of the size of my nose, because after all, who the heck gets to see their own profile? Long story short, my parents had addressed their concerns for their vanity about my appearance, and asked the doc to take a little off. This fact I was clueless to until the surgeon came in to prep me and asked me how I would like my new nose to look... good one on my already fragile esteem! Any way, and highly ironic to me today, less than one year after this "very expensive surgery which my dad had to pay for" I fell off my bike, right onto my face- and broke my nose!!! I have had two more surgeries on it since then!

V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? Shamelessly, once again, I will steal from Nael who says "Meat, I love meat." But truth be told, I also love my veggies, just not fanatical about avoiding meat is all...

W-Worst Habit- Don't have any bad habits ROFLAO! And if I did, d'ya really think I'd be sharing them here?

X-X-rays or ultrasounds- Ummm, did ya read about the nose job? And of course, I have had ultrasounds to see if my child actually sported horns and a tail, of course these things don't actually show up on ultrasounds, and did ya know that there are some beings out there who have no reflections in mirrors, and others who cast no shadows, but I digress!

Y- Your Favorite Food-Uh HELLO, was any one listening when I said that CHOCOLATE is better than SEX?

Z- Zodiac- Pure, innocent, the harvester of all things growing, yup a Virgo I am!

Okay, I think that is quite enuff about me for today! And how are YOU doin" ? Love your new today, as it is a gift, enjoy it for the present it is.... quote by Lushgurl- go ahead add it to your list of favorites!

Saturday, May 19, 2007


Here is today's Daily Reflection...
And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demands for a return.
As Bill Sees It pg 69

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, "What do they want in return?" But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitude changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

Ah yes, the more I read these writings and the more meetings I go to, I am even more aware of where I belong. To me, there were always strings attached to everything, no matter who the person was or what the giving was. Sadly, I gave my very soul to be accepted, only to find that I was not. I gave my body for drugs, only to wake up feeling remorseful and used. New in the program, I still had that feeling that people wanted something from me in exchange for this sobriety thing. No one, in my opinion, would give away the happiness that they had worked so hard for, without getting something back from me! I didn't trust their words. I grew close to no one. But slowly, by continuing to go to meetings, and sharing a little here and there, I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. And this God, of my understanding, just wanted me to be happy. The people in the meetings said "We can only keep what we have, by giving it away!".

Today, I do my best to share my experience, strength and hope with others. I see now that when I speak at a meeting, secretary, pick up chairs or even make coffee, I am showing others that it feels good to give back. I am grateful for this new life that I have and I want for others to have the experience of freedom that this program has given me. One of the ways I can do this today is to shake hands at the door, be a greeter, welcome people to my meetings whether it is their hundredth or their very first meeting. When I leave a comment on your blog, I am sharing how the program works for me. I never know if my words might be the very words that you need to hear today. Just as when you leave a comment for me, it could have been your words that helped to bring me out of the funk that I was in.

Last night I received a call from Angels' group home that apparently she had come home drunk. As a mom this devastated me. I had read in several posts last night about the pain of watching our children drink and use, struggling to find their own way. I cried in frustration and fear for my daughter. I don't want her to have to follow my path in an attempt to feel good about herself. But all I can do is to continue living clean and sober today. My new life and happiness, the freedom from addictions, my hope for the future, are all things I can freely give my daughter. Of course unconditional love and a soft place to fall are also things I can give her with no expectations. All of the things that all of you have given me, I now have to pass alomg to another who suffers. Life is good today!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • for being clean and sober today
  • all of the people who welcomed me to the program
  • the ability to love unconditionally
  • the acceptance I feel in the rooms, and here in 'blog land'
  • for a friend sharing a part of her with me last night- trusting me
  • I am willing to give without strings today
  • the digital camera that takes the pics of my garden
  • my depression is lighter today- it too passed
  • the sunshine
  • coffee
  • I can love Angel until she loves herself- and then some
  • for a new chance at life
  • I have everything I need today, and then some
  • ALL of YOU
  • Thumbs Up

    Friday, May 18, 2007

    HO HUM ... IT'S FRIDAY...

    Well, it's Friday now and I'm feeling a little down today, not sure why... Angel called to ask if it was OK for her to come tomorrow instead of today, of course I said it was all right, after all, she IS a teenager, and she DOES have a life without mom! This weekend is a long weekend anyway, so we'll still have extra time together. I had made German potato salad and we'll have knackwurst with it, and we we're going to eat outside, since it is so gorgeous out. I guess we can still do that tomorrow, right? All I can say, is I'm getting kind of tired of these up and down moods I've been having. They have been mostly up, but then I'm blindsided by the down, and I'm not liking that very much at all. I know...this too shall pass, I say it all the time ! It just doesn't seem appropriate to say it to me, even though I know it's true!

    Get a grip Lushgurl, you know what is going on here.... my inner demons are trying to sabotage me, yeah, that's it! I called my former boss from the fruit and vegetable market today, he had told me that he might want me to work this weekend. But when I spoke to him, he said he wouldn't need me, as it was not busy, and too cold. What the F***? It is beautiful out today, and a long weekend, which is typically very busy for outdoor shopping here. So now I'm thinking he doesn't want me to work at all, but am too afraid to just ask him, so my sh*tty committee is working over time in my head! The thing is, I was really looking forward to working this weekend, I'm getting restless, and there's nothing like a twelve hour shift outside to help kill the restless bugs! Oh well, maybe next weekend...

    As I shared yesterday, I had won some money the other day. It was not like hundreds or anything, but I am so used to having no money at this time of month, that I felt rich for a minute! So I went shopping, it's one of the things that I'm really good at. I bought some groceries, of course, and three new lanterns for my garden and a 'flutterby' wind chime, which sounds really pretty. Then I decided to get the mommy some new sandals, seeing as it is summer and all. It took me a long time to pick out a couple of pairs, and the total was still only about twenty bucks, but, wait for it, now I am feeling guilty. That just ruins the fun of shopping ya know- that guilt thing, so even though I could use the shoes, I almost feel like returning them. Why? 'Cause deep down I don't really feel like I deserve any new and pretty things. I am so used to spending money on Angel or buying stuff we need, that it doesn't feel OK just buying something for me. AAARRRGGGHHH !!!

    In light of my unusually cheery mood (LMAO!!!), I think now would be a good time for our Daily Reflection's reading...

    If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

    Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83

    My first true freedom is the freedom to not have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

    OK, my HP, I get the message, I have a choice today! So today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

    • I have the freedom to be me today, not entirely sure if I like this, LOL
    • to be clean and sober
    • more new blooms in my garden- light pink tulips and purple irises, yellow are coming soon)
    • I get to secratary my home group tonight- so I can feel useful to my fellows
    • I have food in my fridge and money in my pocket
    • Angel will come tomorrow, for the rest of the weekend
    • wherever I go, there I am !
    • my 'Boys" are playing tonight, hopefully their winning streak will continue
    • whenever I feel yucky, I hear or read something that changes my mood
    • this is a kind of long post, but I'm not sorry, 'cause I had to get some stuff out
    • I lied, I kinda do feel bad about the long post!
    • ALL of my blogging friends, yes, that means YOU

    Have a FREE weekend on me folks! Hello

    Thursday, May 17, 2007


    In case anyone was wonderin'... I'm a Blue Jays fan! See more HNT madness here ...

    Yup, I'm back! The me with the eternal optimism, the me who loves life, the me who is grateful to wake up, it's all in there today. I had made a mistake yesterday thinking I had my therapy appointment, but it was actually the day before- ooops! And last night I went to my relapse prevention group to find that I was the only client to show up! It worked out OK though, because I got to talk to the counsellor and the co-facilitator all by self! That's what I'm all about, me, me, me!!! Needless to say, group ended early due to the fact it was a group of one, so I got to come home and watch some of my Jays game before my date with my mom. On my way home, I ran into an old drinking/drugging buddie. He was going through a really bad time and was waiting to get into a 28 day treatment program. He knew I was in the program and asked for my number, he said he wants to get sober but can't do it alone, and was afraid of going to meetings alone... I guess God put me in his path yesterday!

    My date with mom was fun. She had given me some money to play bingo with, and some extra to tide me over for the month. Anyway, I would have argued with her, and not taken the extra in the old days, or I would have taken it and spent it on booze or drugs. But yesterday I just said thank you. I know that my mom can afford it and it makes her feel good to help me out this way, so it worked out for both of us. Long story short, I ended up winning at bingo, so I gave my mom half and still had lots left over for me and Angel this weekend. I think since I no longer worry about having money because I always have everything I need, that my HP was sending me a gift of extra! All in all, a really good day.
    Here is the reading from 24 Hours A Day...

    A lot of well meaning people treat alcoholics like the priest and the Levite. They pass by on the other side by scorning them and telling them what low people they are, with no willpower. Whereas, they really have fallen for alcohol, in the same way as the man in the story fell among the robbers. And the member of AA who is working with others is like the Good Samaritan. Am I moved with compassion? Do I take care of another alcoholic whenever I can?

    I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is preparation for something better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow that understanding joy tells of confident expectation of better things to come. "Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come.

    I pray that when life is over, I will return to an eternal, spaceless life with God. I pray that I may make this life a preparedness for a better life to come.

    As today's post was rather long I will skip writing out my gratitude list, just know that today I am filled with gratitude and love for all of the blessings I have in my life...and for all of YOU too! Happy HNT!

    Wednesday, May 16, 2007


    In usual Lushgurl form, I have managed to sleep away, the week so far! I am not about to beat myself up for it this time though, ya see, things are still getting better in my world! I did manage to make some phone calls earlier in the week. I am caught up on most of my housework, and I have been out to take some pics of my growing garden, so all in all, the whole week was not lost. In case anybody hasn't noticed this about me, I hafta figure out why I do the things I do. I've always been kind of analytical like that. So I do know that part of the reason for my sleep fest is that it has been raining all week so far. I think another reason I've been sleeping is that we are fast approaching my one year anniversary, and in my determination to get there, I want to not leave any room for F-ups! I have been known to be the Queen of Sabotage in the past, so I figure " How much trouble can I actually get into if I'm sleeping! " Today is back to life day though. Thankfully, I see my therapist, later today and I have my relapse prevention group tonight, and after that, I have a date with my mom! Busy, busy, busy!

    In today's Daily Reflection's it talks about forgiveness, and I am constantly amazed to find that I have been able to forgive myself, as well as many other people for being human, making mistakes. That is one of the gifts that this program has given me today...

    Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisors that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.

    What a great feeling forgiveness is! What a revelation about my emotional, psychological and spiritual nature. All it takes is willingness to forgive; God will do the rest.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
    • that I am clean and sober today
    • all of the rain that has brought new blooms to my garden
    • tomorrow will be my first official HNT post
    • I have been able to forgive my mom, and become friends with her today
    • this week I have gotten lots of 'beauty sleep', so I should be OK to face the world!
    • my Angel trimmed my hair on the weekend- it felt great to lose some dead ends
    • I have everything I need today, and then some
    • all of my sober blogging buddies- that means YOU
    • my HP decided to wake me up today

    I will see you all half naked tomorrow! Bye for now!!

    Monday, May 14, 2007


    That is the title of today's Daily Reflections' reading, let's see if any of it relates to me or you...

    If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
    Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 72

    I certainly didn't leap at the opportunity to face who I was, especially when the pains of my drinking days hung over me like a dark cloud. But I soon heard at the meetings about the fellow members who just didn't want to take Step Five and kept coming back to meetings, trembling from the horrors of reliving his past. The easier, softer way is to take these Steps to freedom from our fatal disease, and to put our faith in the fellowship and our Higher Power.

    Yup, this works for me! I have often shared in the rooms, how I have found AA to be the easier, softer way. When I think back to all the creative ways I found to avoid myself, my feelings, my actions, and how much more pain I would cause for myself and all the people around me, I know that MY way wasn't working very well at all. Today I feel so much freer, I have faith that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time to face myself and my defects of character, it will never be as bad as it could be to avoid them. All of the covering up, the back peddling in a vain attempt to save face. All of the remorseful thoughts, the "really wish I hadn't done , said or thought that". WOW, way too much work for me! Today I am lucky to have all of the experiences of my past failures, the lessons I can learn from them, and the other members of the program to help and guide me. Of course I also have a loving and patient God who gently reminds me that I don't have to hurt me to learn from my mistakes.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
    • I have found an easier , softer way of life
    • there are many people I can call to share my doubts and fears with
    • my HP never gave up on trying to lead me to where I am today
    • I got to spend Mother's Day with my Angel, and share my love with her
    • today is another wonderful sunny day
    • I have even more stuff blooming in my garden
    • Today I can choose to NOT have a "whinefest"
    • if I am tired, I can rest
    • if I am sad I can cry
    • if I am happy I can share my happiness with others
    • all of my clean and sober friends who walk the path with me...that means YOU
    • my sponsor , who shares all of her E, S and H with me
    • A soft place to fall, and a gentle nudge to help me up again

    Happy Monday to all today! You’re The Best

    Saturday, May 12, 2007


    Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

    In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

    Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

    AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
    Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

    Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

    For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
    • That I don't regret my past anymore
    • my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
    • we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
    • my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
    • I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
    • MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
    • my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
    • all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
    • for each and every one of YOU
    • that I am clean and sober for another day

    See ya all later, peace out...

    Thursday, May 10, 2007


    OK, so I know I am not a member of HNT officially, but I have been faithfully blog-stalking y'all for quite a while. It seems to me, now that I am kinda getting the hang of this picture taking thing, that I should be able to post under the guise of being an official member of HNT! Oh and a BIG shout out and thank you to Christine, visit her here:, who suggested I get down to take my pics, instead of taking them from above.... hmmmm, it seems she just may be onto something here! Oh boy, you guys are in trouble now, a monster has been created! So, in the order that they appear- these first flowers are violets, they were given to me about five years ago by a counsellor I was seeing. This next shot is of my new daffodils, I planted them last fall, but I have never successfully grown a 'stand' of daffodils before, so I am proud of any part I may have had in growing these! The last picture is of 'Trampcat' (her real name has been changed to protect her identity), whenever I am in my garden, she throws herself down at my feet so I'll pay attention to her! The poor little thing, she leads such a stressful life, what with all the many naps each day, and all of the kids in the neighborhood who want to pet her, and houses to visit when someone leaves their front door open, clearly she is in dire need of some affection!

    And now, this next message is brought to you from our Daily Reflection's...

    Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility- a word often misunderstood... it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we would be. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 58

    I knew deep down inside that if I were ever to be joyous, happy and free, I had to share my past life with some other individual. The joy and relief I experienced after doing so were beyond description. Almost immediately after taking the Fifth Step, I felt free from the bondage of self and the bondage of alcohol. This freedom remains after 36 years, a day at a time. I found that God could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.

    TodayI am grateful/thankful for the following...

    • I am willing and able to accept critisism, sometimes I don't know what the heck I am doing!
    • I sent my mom a Mothers' Day card thanking her for all of the things she taught me, and for giving me life
    • it is not raining yet today- I hafta go get groceries, and they're predicting thunder storms
    • last nights' speaker, had a great AA message and it was a 17 year birthday
    • my Angel is coming to visit tomorrow, so she will be with me on Mothers' Day
    • whatever I am doing this time, seems to be working.... I am clean and sober today
    • the new(er)comers at my relapse prevention group, I can learn so much from them
    • all of the people who drop by my little blog to say "hi !"
    • all of my sober blogging friends- that means YOU- thanks for sharing with me
    • Trampcat who still loves to cuddle like a kitten, even though she is over 11 years old

    Bye for now...stalk to ya later!

    Wednesday, May 09, 2007


    Although my pictures leave much to be desired, I still want to share my garden with you all! Thank goodness I have a green thumb, because I'd never make it as a photographer! On that note, here is today's reading from 24 Hours a Day...

    We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking, we wre absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God's help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways, to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don't start any wishful thinking, If we daydream too much, we'll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

    In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God's guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish too much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or the wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

    I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people's problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.


    For me this is so true. Left to my own devices, I can leave a wake of destruction in my path. When I first moved to Toronto, newly out of treatment, some of my friends (who, by the way, were all guys), used to call me a little tornado. It seemed that I had a way of stopping by long enough to have someone (fall in) love me, and then I'd move on. I see now how very selfish I was then. I did not mean for people to get hurt, but I hurt them anyways. I know now how very insecure I really was. I had just broken up with my husband of seven months- so much for "better or worse". At that point in my life, I was feeling so unlovable, so I looked for the love 'out of me'. By the time I got back to recovery THIS time, I had been engaged five times and married once! Wow, talk about needing validation from other people! Today I love me, although there are still days when I love me less, I only need to listen to my HP, to know that I am loved, and not search for that love through others. I think this reading is appropriate in that, I do need guidance in learning to live with, and deal with people in my life.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

    • although I suck at taking pictures, I can still share my garden!
    • I am clean and sober today
    • I am willing to learn and grow- even if sometimes it is painful to me
    • I do not wish bad things for anyone today
    • living in the solution feels much better than living in the problem
    • if I am open and honest, He can use me to carry the message
    • I am able to love people for who they are, not what they can give me
    • I am able to love myself for who I am
    • it is Wed. , that means I have my relapse prevention group and the Rainbow AA group
    • all of my blogging buddies...that means YOU
    • everywhere I look, there is beauty to be seen

    I wish everyone a great day today, and one for me too!

    Tuesday, May 08, 2007


    Ironically. todays' Daily Reflections reading is entitled "A resting place"...

    All of AA's Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires...they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Step Five. But scarecly any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
    Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

    After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read-and been told- I could not stay sober unless I did. Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being." Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.

    I am not afraid to admit my defects of character today. What a relief to be able to let go of those things that hold me back from being a better person. Early in the program I was willing to do a Step Four and Five, but not able to be entirely honest, I wonder if this in any way contributed to the relapses that were to follow on my travels through the program, LOL. Today I am able to look deep within myself to examine what my own motives are in given situations. I never used to think that I had an agenda for anything, I was living in a victim role, life just 'happened to me'. I found that for me, taking responsibility for my own actions, and the consequences or benifits that followed was freeing. Knowing that I am not alone in the world or in my recovery have increased my faith, and therefore my strength in making changes and better decisions.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

    • my dope smoking neighbors have not been invading my space
    • every new day is making more flowers bloom in my garden
    • I spoke to an old (young) friend on the phone today, and we are hoping to work together at the outdoor market again
    • that I know God loves me even when I have doubts about my self-love
    • If I continue to do the next right thing, my life will continue to get better
    • I am able to not obsess so much about whether or not Angel will come home to live
    • I feel good today, my prayers are being answered
    • I have everything I need and then some
    • All of my sober friends who share their E. S and H with me, that means YOU!
    • I haven't told any lies so I don't need a good memory!
    • today I am not afraid to look you in the eye...Hey there, how YOU doin' ?

    Later my friends!

    Monday, May 07, 2007


    Miss U

    Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
    Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

    this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
    This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

    So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

    Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

    Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.

    Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

    When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
    • that I am clean and sober
    • Angel and I had a good weekend together
    • it is another beautiful sunny day
    • I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
    • more flowers are blooming in my garden
    • there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
    • my safe and loving home
    • my cats and my budgie
    • my health
    • my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
    • even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
    • all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

    I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.

    Friday, May 04, 2007


    Holy cow, today is my mom's 71st birthday! I can hardly wait to call her and wish her a great day, and tell her how I love her. Not so many years ago, I wouldn't even have called her on her birthday, I am so happy that my mom is alive and well, and I look forward to seeing and talking to her. Being a mom myself, I think, has changed my perception of my own mother in so many ways. Now I know how she must have worried seeing me determined to destroy myself and helpless to do anything about it. Now I can appreciate how for years, she had to let me go, as the pain of seeing me hurting was too much for her to bear. I am grateful today to have my mom in my life. I have forgiven her for the ways I felt she was not there for me. I can accept her and love her today for who she is. I can have compassion today, for the horrible life my mom had to endure, and how she still loves me with all of my imperfections. I am grateful today, that this amazing woman gave me life...what a miracle!

    I was asked to share my story last Sunday, and I noticed that I no longer have bad feelings when sharing about my early years. More than ever, I have been able to look at things from a different view point, one with love and compassion instead of blame and regret. This is, for me, proof that this program is working today in my life. For that I am very happy.

    Here is today's Daily Reflections' reading...

    We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happily in this world.
    Alcoholics Anonymous pg.73-74

    Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared "... {my} whole life's story with someone..." in order to find my place in the fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know God's plan for me comes true through honesty, openness and willingness.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

    • I have volunteered to be secretary at my home group for the month of May
    • it is another beautiful sunny day in my world
    • I have more flowers about to bloom in my garden
    • everyday can be filled with new adventures, if I choose it to be
    • eleven months of clean and sober living
    • all of my blogging friends who wished me well on my 11 month day!
    • pink toe nail polish...thanks MC and Gwen!
    • pink anything, flowers, clothes, my bloggy, it's my favorite colour
    • I have everything I need today, and then some
    • I will get to see the Maven and her Spawnling tonight, in person!
    • I have been awake since 7:00 AM, and have managed to stay out of trouble!

    Heart Glasses

    Wednesday, May 02, 2007


    The following quotes were sent to me via e-mail this morning from Cali, who reminded me that today is my eleven months clean and sober... YAY ME!!! Of course it wouldn't be right to hog all the glory, 'cause as you all know, I DID NOT do this alone! And on that note...

    -Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
    -Acceptance is mandatory; understanding is optional.
    -"Let go or be dragged." (told to me by Jeff W.)
    -"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
    -"I have to remember that the people on top of the mountain didn't fall there." ~Sara T.
    -If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
    -I must keep my recovery first to make it last.
    -"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
    -"It's always the rug you've been sweeping things under that gets pulled out from under you." ~Unknown

    And for more words of wisdom, today's Daily Reflection's reading is...

    Lighting the dark past
    Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possesion you have- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert misery and death for them.
    Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124

    No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark-as some days must be- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

    Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...
    • for eleven months of clean and sober life
    • that I am no longer 'locked' in my past
    • that I can see how my experiences can benefit others
    • for all of the AA friends, in my life- that means all of YOU
    • the Maven and her hubby celebrated fourteen years together- WOW!
    • I have made a new friend in the program, a woman, who 'gets' me!
    • tonight I will start a new relapse prevention group- I like this better than the alternative
    • my new 'old' sponsor is always there when I need her
    • the phone doesn't always weigh a hundred pounds!
    • I spent some time in my garden today, the hyacinths smell sooo pretty
    • I have everything I need today, and then some
    • it is a sunny day that reflects my mood
    • I have come to believe in a Power Greater than myself, and He is restoring me to sanity

    StargazingMeditate Gardening

    Tuesday, May 01, 2007


    Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.

    I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.

    I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.

    I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.

    This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.