IT'S RAINING AGAIN!

Well, it is Sunday, and still rainin', but I am not all depressed and pissed off that if I go outside I will...
A) melt because I am so sweet
B) hafta freak 'cause my hair and rain don't get along well
C) stay indoors just because it's raining

I guess by MY standards, this all counts as progress!

• It is a good day though, despite the rain!
• My Angel is sleeping soundly in her bed.
• I have been up since 8:00 this morning and have managed to stalk all of my favorite people.
• I was asked to speak at a meeting tonight, and I am not nervous, 'cause I know He will put the words in my mouth
• plans for my upcoming AA b-day are now in the works, and I think I'll make it ODAAT
• by next weekend I will be able to post new pics of my garden in bloom
• my new, old, sponsor has welcomed me back into her life
• I had enough milk for the three coffee's I have drank since waking up
• even though Angel is almost 16, she still loves to cuddle wit Hersickmomma
• my mommy called me this week, and she loves me still
• all of my cyber friends keep visiting my little bloggy...even though by now they MUST realize I am a freak

In case any of you all were wonderin', that was my gratitude list for today! I know I am kinda doin' it backwards, but I always have been a little backwards, and I am OK with it!!!

Our first attempts at inventories are apt to prove unrealistic. I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. On certain occasions, I wanted to look only at the part of my life that seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing in AA.

Naturally this generated a terrible hankering for still more "accomplishments", and still more approval. I was falling straight back into the patten of my drinking days. Here were the same old goals- power, fame, and applause. Besides, I had the best alibi known- the spiritual alibi. The fact that I really did have a spiritual objective made the utter nonsence seem perfectly right.

This was taken from randomly opening As Bill Sees It, and landing on page 193 ! So I guess one of my goals for today will not be to garner applause, pats on the back and laughter in my sharing. All I can do is honestly share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like today...A message from my HP, perhaps?

Keep coming back!

JOYFUL DISCOVERIES

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answeres will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joy found in being able to live another day in God's grace.

Not so very long ago, I remember wishing that I would not have to face another day. Although I had many moments of good things, maybe even joy, my world had become so small. Each day was pretty much the same as the one before. And one constant for me was the pain I felt. It was the pain of not having my daughter with me, I knew it was my own actions that caused her to be taken from my home. It was the pain of knowing that I would drink again that very day, and knowing that the results of my drinking would likely be the same as the day before. I would have blackouts daily, somedays I would wake up injured, only to guess at what I had done to cause the injuries. I would always wake up hungover, going to the same job, with the same customers in the same sick environment. I wanted so badly to stop the cycle of pain and hopelessness that I faced everyday, but my methods to do so, were indeed just causing more of the same pain.

Today I wake up at unGodly hours, for me! But I have clear memories of the night before. If I wake up not feeling well, I have the faith that "this too shall pass". If it is raining out, like it is today, I can be thankful for the nourishment to my garden. I don't always have plans for each day, but I know that it can and will be a good day if I continue to ask for guidance. I feel love every single day, I have many moments of joy everyday. I wonder what the day will bring, but not with dread.

Today I am truly grateful/thankful for the following...

• the cleansing rain that is falling
• my pounding headache is from a cold, not a hangover
• my daughter has decided to spend the whole weekend with me
• at my home group tonight, I will ask to celebrate my one year in June
• my Angel told me last night that she is so proud of me for this accomplishment
• I am proud of me for the hard work I am doing today
• I spoke to a suffering friend yesterday, and he is taking care of himself
• I only have to look around to see the beauty of the program in my life today
• for all of my clean and sober friends who walk this road to happy destiny with me. that means all of you
• I am clean and sober today, and happy to be so
• even though I don't feel great I am still motivated to do housework
• I have decided to have the inscription "Happy, Joyous and Free" put on my one year medallion
• I truly wish good things in my heart for all my fellows, and again -that means YOU!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, unless you have made OTHER plans!!!

ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION

I have been blessed in my life that a couple of struggling alcoholics have reached out to me lately. Make no mistake, I do not take this lightly, nor do I let this be a measure of my own importance. I have had some really rough times in recovery, as we all have had. I have felt the need to go back out there on a number of occasions too, as a few of us have. I am no different, no better, no worse than any of my fellow AA's. If in any way I can impact the life of just one person suffering from this disease, then my work has only just begun. If , in my life, I can carry the message that for me, AA IS the easier, softer way, then perhaps I am doing a little giving back. We can only keep what we have so graciously been given if we give it away. For me that means embracing this program of recovery and all of the promises that have come true for me today. It means I will ask only to know what His will is for me and to have the courage to carry this out. It means I will love and accept myself today, in all my freakishness and all of my imperfections, because as a good friend often reminds me, I AM God's baby gurl!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.
As Bill Sees It pg.283

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of AA, alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was "This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round." The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: "Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal." I'm free and I'm grateful!

I remember so many years ago, at the very first meeting that I had found the courage to take that mile long walk and receive my first white chip. The man who was doing the chips that night said "This is a full refund guarantee, if the results of this program are not satisfactory to you, you can return to your misery." Everybody laughed at his humour, but at the time I thought, how ridiculous, who in their right minds would choose to go back to all of the misery that drinking caused us. The answer is simple for me today: No one!!! If and when we make a decision to pick up that first drink or drug, we are not in our right minds. For me my right mind includes allowing my HP to lead me, having gratitude for the absence of the obsession to use and carrying the message in all of my affairs!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following:

• that there are people today that want what I have
• that there are many people out there whose program I desire- serenity, self acceptance, many 24 hours of recovery
• that dAAve pointed out that my video distracted him from reading my post- Hey dAAve...I disabled it just for you!
• I live in a safe and loving home today
• I have been eating actual food for breakfast
• I am free from the obsession to drink/use today
• all of my wonderful AA friends who share their E, S and H with me, and their difficulties too!
• I am learning to not judge me for the mistakes I make, but to find out what I can learn from them
• ALL OF YOU!!!

LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us... We were trying to find emotional security either by domination of by being dependant upon others... We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependance.
As Bill Sees It pg. 252

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.

(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• I am clean and sober today
• even though there were some rough spots on the weekend "I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me"
• we didn't get the thunder storm that was predicted last night
• I was able to share the new growth in my garden with all my favorite peeps
• my Blue Jays trounced the Red Sox last night-go Jays!
• Trampcat always loves to cuddle with me, and she purrs when I just 'talk' to her
• Toughboy goes out every night to 'tom' but comes home to mommy every morning
• I spoke to someone who works at the outdoor market yesterday, and he's going to talk to my former boss to get me hired this year
• I watch Ellen Degeneres every morning and I still laugh without being stoned or drunk
• my lovely and safe home
• all of my wonderful cyber-friends...yes this means YOU
• my Higher Power loved me when I couldn't love myself

I hope everyone has the best day EVER, I think I'll have one myself! Love and HUGS to all today...

MY BABY GARDEN !

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...

HEAVEN'S LIGHT SHINING DOWN

This is from 24 Hours A Day...

The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things, but they add up to a satisfactory and happy life. You take out of life what you put into it. So I'd say to people coming into AA: "Don't worry about what life will be like without liquor. Just hang in there and a lot of good things will happen to you. And you'll have that feeling of quiet satisfaction and peace and serenity and gratitude for the grace of God". Is my life becoming really worth living?

I don't know about you, but I find this to be true in my life today. When I am in a bad mood, the people I come in contact with are idiots! If I am feeling grateful for all of the beauty around me, the world is beautiful to me. If I snap at the waitress for taking too long with my breakfast, it will probably be cold or come with burnt toast. If I say to you that I appreciate your friendship, then maybe you will call on a friend who has been feeling down lately. I do believe that what goes around, comes around. I used to live in constant fear of the retribution for the pain I caused in my drinking days. I couldn't trust you, because I couldn't trust me. You weren't always truthful with me because I lied to you all the time. How my life has changed today. I am learning to trust and love and be the kind of friend that I want to have. I am learning to reach out to you and in kind you are reaching out to me. It's ALL good today!

Here are just a few of the things that have made me smile today...

• I finally found the Collective soul video to post on my blog
• the sky is the most perfect shade of blue
• I watered my garden last night for the first time this year
• a friend is lending me a bicycle pump so I can start to ride my "blue mustang with the top down" again LOL
• my little Jenny bird chirps to the birds outside everyday
• my next door neighbor was smoking a joint this morning and it bothered me so I told her and went inside (I didn't WANT it either)
• my home group meeting is tonight
• the weather is getting so warm that I think I can put away my winter coat for real
• even though My Blue Jays lost, I have faith that they'll play well in Baltimore tonight
• I have everything I need today and then some...
• I have discovered "smiley's" and I know how to add them to my posts!
• even though I'm a freak you seem to love me anyway
• all of you who trudge this happy road with me, you guys ROCK

BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN RECOVERY

Today I am happy to announce the return of our favourite cupcake, to visit her click here.
http://postcardsfromthecupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/

Today's Daily Reflection reminds me again of how much we all really have in common, not only on the journey to recovery, but also in everyday life:

We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers/sisters in virtue as we are brothers/sisters in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome these.
As Bill Sees It pg.167

The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritual- almost incomprehensible. But it is there , I "feel"it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me. It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do this- or how to try. I never even cared. The fellowship of AA, and God, are teaching me how to care about others.

I can so relate to this! When I do my daily blog-stalking, I look forward to hearing about all of you. How is your day going? Have you solved the problem that was causing you pain? I actually care. I don't worry incessantly about you , because I know you are safely in the hands of God. I don't want for you to be OK because I want something from you, no, I actually want for you to be peaceful and happy, the same thing I want for me! It is a freedom for me to share the things that are causing me unhappiness today, and to lessen your burdens by being there to hear your stuff. With all of my defects of character, I am still welcomed into AA and this loving blogger community, just as I welcome you. With that I will share my gratitude list for today...

• I am very grateful to wake up at 7:30!!! without a hangover
• for all of my sober blogging buddies who share their E, S and H with me today
• that my womens' meeting goes tonight
• that MY Boys are playing at 12:30 today, so I won't miss the game
• that the Sens are once again doing well in the play-offs (even though they'll probably CHOKE in the end!)
• that I have an answereing machine so I can play phone tag with the Maven
• the weather is quite spring like today
• my garden is growing strong and healthy, and I know how to post pictures of it on my blog
• I have a safe home to call my own today
• my Angel will spend one day of her weekend with me this week
• that people love and care enough to comment on my little bloggy...

So I wish all of you a happy, joyous and free from drugs and alcohol day. I plan to have one myself!

LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

In today's Daily Refflection's it talks about two things that cannot live together in the same heart...

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there". I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is " the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear". Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realilze that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so. I think for me it started with the news of more Canadians killed in Afghanistan, then the controversy surrounding Don Imus and his racial slurs against the young womens' basketball team, and more recently the tragic shooting that took place in the Virginia college. All of these things have been fighting to shake my belief in a loving God, as I understand Him. For most of my life I had the belief that God "would get me" if I was 'bad', and it seemed that I was bad more than I was good. My cousins, who were Catholic used to tell me that not only would I go to Hell because I hadn't been baptized, but I was ripe for the picking of the devil because of this. So I lived in constant, excruciating fear. At night I would pray to God to save me, I didn't want to go to Hell, I knew I was already there. When I was molested I was told, in not so many words that "I was Bad", it was my fault, so I figured that I would surely burn in everlasting damnation if I were to take my own life, which is what I really wanted to do.

I think, as a little gurl, the fact that my mom had taken me to Sunday school saved my butt on many an occasion. The stories I heard there were stories of hope and miracles. It was a loving God who gave His son to pay for the sins of man. At night, I would pray to this God to make my life more bearable, I didn't know if He heard me, but it made me feel better just having the hope that Someone was there to hear my pleas. Somehow, deep down inside I believed that my life would get better. I never knew how or when, just that the hope of better things ahead, carried me through the toughest times in life. A therapist once told me that "there is not room, in the same heart, for hope and fear". Today I am reminded of this in my daily readings and also when I hear of all the tragedies in the world around us.

I know in my heart that I cannot do anything to change you, your beliefs, or your actions. Yes I am powerless over any and all things that are not me. I do believe, however that if I can 'keep my side of the street clean', that maybe my neighbor will be motivated to do the same. If I always treat you with love and respect, then perhaps you will pass this along to the people you come in contact with in your day. If I never give up on doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do, I have to believe that my life will not be lived in vain. So today I pray for all people who live in fear, that they may find the peace that hope that a loving God can bring. I pray that those who are hurting will know that they will experience freedom fom pain one day. I pray that I can remain clean and sober so that I can share my hope and joy with others' who may have lost theirs today.... I wish you all peace and joy and love today.

BETTER DAYS ARE HERE

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own. The Onion!

I stole this from Lounge Daddy's post and I thought it was hilarious, considering that I have a child who resembles the one alluded to in my horoscope!http://aangeldevilteen.blogspot.com/ So today , I have lost my child to the Maven and her family, who don't seem to realize that IT IS BASEBALL SEASON!!! They are having a HOCKEY party of all stupid things! Now I don't know about you, but in my part of the world (although we do have some spring snow), April signals the end of Hockey, or at least it should! Do I care that the Senators are in the play offs? NO! Do I think they have a hope in H-E- double hockey sticks of actually winning? Hell NO! My prediction? The Sens will do what they do best... CHOKE!!! In the mean time I have been ditched, left all by self, abandoned again...Good thing my Jays are playing today!!!

Last night I went to my home group. I so love it! A bunch of crazy drunks just like me, all sober! There is a lot of laughter at my meeting, I used to get offended that 'these people' had the gall to laugh, didn't they realize how serious our addictions are? Today I take comfort in the fact that my "peeps" know how to put recovery first, but have not forgotten the healing powers of laughter! The speaker was amazing- I love that word ! She was a late blooming alcoholic, and a high functioning one at that. She had five children, a husband, volunteer work and a full time job! Ironically her degree was in alcohol and drug counselling, and for years she would selflessly help us drunks and then go home to drink to forget all of the sad stories she heard day after day! She shared how she would drink in a closet in her home so that no one would know what she was up to. I could not relate to the life she lead, but I could identify with the feelings of "keeping it all together", hiding my drinking from the outside world, and the humility when I realized that I was not in control after all. A great message indeed!

Todays' Daily Reflections talks about resentments...

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick as well.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.64

The best way I know to help get rid of resentments is to pray for those I think have done me wrong, in my prayers I ask for the people to have all of the good things that I have found in life. Here are some of the good things I have today...

• my day started with a big hug from my Angel
• I spoke to a very good friend on the phone
• I can allow my daughter to have fun with people other than me- without resentment
• I am clean and sober today
• the sadness I was feeling has been replaced by joy
• I have a computer to stalk to all of my blogging buddies
• I know how to use my computer today!
• my BOYS are kickin' butt again- take that- all you hockey fans!
• when my Angel comes home we will have a gurlie night with DVD's and popcorn

This was posted outside a church near where I live...

Man's way leads to a hopeless end, God's way leads to an endless hope.

So until we meet again.... HUGS to all!

SELF PITY, HUMILITY AND LOVE

I have been feeling out of sorts lately, as I have shared and in today's blog-stalking, I have read some beautiful posts that have got me to thinking... visit here : http://www.stayingstraightedge.co.uk/
to see how I started my day! I think now is a good time for me to do my Daily Reflection's reading...

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects I know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
As Bill Sees It pg.238

This false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like any drug, that I take an ever bigger dose. If I succumb to this it would lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antedote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first,toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lesson my own exaggerated suffering.

I feel almost like I have been grieving, but not sure what it is that I am missing. I know if I can remain calm and focus on all of the beauty in my life, then this icky feeling will pass... So again I am going to be grateful for the following:

• that I am clean and sober today
• even though it is Friday the 13th, I am not afraid
• I am able to cry for the pain of others'
• I am able to cry tears of joy
• that I feel love in my life today
• I ate something for breakfast
• although MY boys lost last night, it is only the beginning of the season
• my garden is still growing strong, despite the snowfall we have had
• my Angel is coming for the weekend
• I will get to speak to a new blogging friend on the phone this weekend
• my home group meets tonight and I have volunteered to be a greeter
• all of my beautiful blogger buddies who come to visit me at my place!

Well that's all I have for now, enjoy your today...I'll stalk to ya later!

FAMILY- BY BLOOD OR CHOICE

As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:

• I am clean and sober
• I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
• a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
• I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
• my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
• all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
• I have a safe place to call home today
• my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
• I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
• my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
• I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
• tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

WOO HOO, THE BOYS ARE BACK!!!

let's go bluejays, let's go!

In honour of "MY Blue jays" I will do my summer blog writings in blue! I just love baseball season! As if the green stuff starting to grow was not enough to get me in a great mood, the beginning of baseball season is like the whipped cream and cherry on top of the sundae! My poor daughter was neglected not only by my drug and alcohol use, now she'll hafta learn to talk to me in a whole new way. No my Angel, as I see it, that is three strikes for you...YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!... FOUL (ball)...I really believe in dreams coming true, and my dream is to see my boys win a World Series at the (formally known as) Sky Dome.

In '92 I was still living in Barrie where Angel was born. I was in the program, it was a wonderful year, my baby and I went to meetings almost everyday. And when my boys won the World Series I was clean and sober, and cried like a baby myself! '93 was also a good year for me, we had just moved back to my home in Ottawa, I was still in the program, still clean and sober. I was once again close to my mom and sister and my cousins, who I missed so much when living in T.O. and Barrie. And of course, my Boys won the Series again!

Not too long after moving back to Ottawa, I started to smoke dope again, although I didn't drink. I had started seeing a guy who (I believe) was an alcoholic, and he smoked a lot, so I did with him! We were together for about a year and a half. It was the beginning of another slide into Hell for me. It seemed that whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I would lose myself. I became whoever it was that they wanted me to be. I would compromise my own morals and beliefs for the sake of the other person- to make them happy. I would get to the point where I no longer knew what I wanted, what was important to me. Today I don't regret the relationships that I had been in that were so unhealthy for me. I can look back and see how I learned from the experience. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get this far!

I am at the point in my life I think, where although I do miss having that special someone in my life, I am truly starting to enjoy my own company! I can do what I want, when I want to. I can come and go as I please. I can go out with gurl friends and flirt with guy friends, I can stay in my pj's all day if I want to! I never really thought I was even capable of being happy All By Self! I didn't know that it was something that was even allowed. At almost forty six years young, I am no longer looking outside of me for someone or something to make my life complete...I am complete! I no longer look without, for something or someone to make me happy...I am happy! I no longer wish that I had learned these lessons earlier in life, I am able to be grateful today, that I know all this stuff. And grateful to be able to continue learning as I go. And grateful for the Boys of summer in their HOTT baseball uniforms...and another win too!

I guess that's it for now, a relatively short and sweet post, just like the author!! See you all later!

THE RETURN OF DEVILTEEN AND THE SH*TTY COMMITTEE

This being Easter weekend, seems like a good time to be looking at all the sins of my life, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. After all, didn't Jesus die for our sins? My Angel had made a decision to go to her dad's for all of this weekend, but being a teenager, she changed her mind and called me on Wednesday to TELL me, she had decided to come here for a couple of days first! No she didn't ASK if it was OK, because , after all, I don't have a life! Of course I said I would love to see her, and asked that she ASK me in the future, because it would be respectful of me. So she was supposed to come on Thursday after school. The house had called the school to pick Angel up early in the afternoon, but alas, the child had not attended her afternoon classes! When I was told of her skipping, I said that I guess Angel could come on Friday, since no one could find her at school on Thursday. I then got my butt to the woman's meeting so I wouldn't be home to receive an angry phone call..taking care of self and all of that!

Friday morning I got 'the call'- "Why did you say you didn't want to see me mom?" I explained that because she had chosen to skip school, we , the grown-ups, decided that not coming here would be an appropriate consequence. Angel did not agree with my decision. She said that it wasn't fair , because the house had consequenced her, and she didn't LIVE WITH ME, so I didn't have a right to 'double consequence her'! Tough lesson, I know, but I felt it was necessary, to send the message that skipping school would not be rewarded.

Our visit started out well enough. We watched a DVD- "Derailed" with Jennifer Anniston and Clive Owens, we had popcorn too. The movie was really good! After the movie Angel wanted to go on 'Facebook' for a while, this was fine with me, but I asked her to help me tidy up a bit first, and she was OFF... apparently helping me to tidy up our mess was the same as expecting Angel to be my maid! We had words, and then she stomped off to her room and refused to help. So I tidied up and let it go at that, The thing is, Angel does get angry with me when I try to set limits and boundaries. She doesn't like NOT getting her own way, or when I stand firm and say no! You see I was never really good at setting limits and boundaries before ( read when I was still OUT), and consequences were not followed up on because my parenting was always motivated by copious amounts of guilt.

After a while Angel came down to finish the arguement that we had started and all of the hurt and anger and unexpressed pain came out! I mean ALL of it! The two years that she had been living away from me because of my return to drug and alcohol use. The times that she had used and drank because "like mother , like daughter". All of the times that I seemed to not give a shit about her because I was too busy getting high. It all came out like a damn that had finally broken. Oh GOD! I thought, here we go, and I knew her anger was justified, and I knew that I had hurt her badly, so I had no defense. There was no way I could explain to her in a way that she could understand , how I would knowingly return to using after being clean for so long. She was crying, sobbing, so hurt and so angry, and I couldn't comfort her. She yelled at me and called me names and basically told me in many words how much I had hurt her and let her down. And then she said she didn't want to come back home because I probably would F- up again, I always did. And she could get STUFF at the house that I couldn't give her, and she didn't care anyway...

I accepted all of the angry words and accusations with a little bit of gratitude, as this was really the first time since my relapse that Angel was able to be totally honest with me about her feelings. I didn't like all of what she said, 'cause after all, the truth can really hurt sometimes. I have managed to stay clean and sober, and am doing my best to make better choices for both of us today. But this in no way alleviates the pain I have caused. And she was pissed at me- it is of course all MY fault that Angel does drugs and drinks and skips school... I told her that I could accept responsibility for my part , but I was not going to accept the blame for the choices that SHE had made, including using drugs and alcohol just because I had. The thing is, I messed up and I knew that, I let her down, and I knew that too. But at almost 16, Angel had to start making better choices for her life, which included not using drugs or drinking and not skipping school or lashing out in anger. I was not capable of MAKING her do these things, and my new life of sobriety is a choice I make today for both of us.

We ended up spending the rest of the evening apart, she in her room and me downstairs alone. While I was alone the thought came into my head that I could drink after she left, what was the use of staying sober especially if I was going to be living alone. I could hardly believe how quickly these thoughts had filled my head, how much I really felt like using at the time. It scared the crap out of me. So I prayed. I prayed to have the obsession removed, I prayed to continue to want sobriety, I prayed to have Angels' pain lessoned by hope and trust and love....

This morning I feel strong again and committed to my new life. I woke Angel up early, with a cup of coffee and we had some time to talk before she left for her dad's. She felt bad for some of the mean things she had said to me and apologized for it. I told her that I did deserve a lot of the anger and I was sorry for hurting her so badly. I also reminded her that we both have choices today, and my choices include AA and not using or drinking, but I wasn't going to promise her that I would never pick up again because I didn't know that for sure. I had the desire to stay clean and sober today, and that is all I have. She also told me that she did want to come home she is just afraid, and so am I , but I also have hope today, because Angel did lash out at me and I didn't use over it. We had a tough night last night, and we still love each other this morning. We can have times where we don't always get along or even like each other, but in the end, we can work through these things , together. That is one of the greatest gifts I could ever have in my recovery!

Check this out boys and gurls...Today's Daily Reflection's reading....He is working in my life AGAIN!!!..

A Wide Arc of Gratitude
And speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see AA's beginning.
.....The AA way of Life pg.67

Am I capable of such generous tribute and gratitude to my wife, parents and friends, without whose support I might never have survived to reach AA's doors? I will work on this and try to see the plan my Higher Power is showing me which links our lives together.

HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS....I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!

MY LIVING EULOGY

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Today I am so grateful that no one is having to decide what to put on my tomb stone. A few times when I attempted suicide, the thought would cross my mind that I didn't think anyone would BE at my funeral. This thought depressed me even more. I just didn't want to die without "making a difference" some how, but I did want to die! I also wondered what would be said in my eulogy. Would anyone have a kind word to say about me or only diplomatic in saying "too bad...so sad..."

Today I am doing the best I can to live in such a way that if I were to die, I would be truly missed, but also people could remember that I was a loving and decent person. I want to be remembered for the kindness I showed to others, starting with me. I don't want people to be relieved that I am at peace , but rather to be at peace themselves. If in my journey I have been able to make a positive impact in the life of one person anywhere, then I think I can go to God in love.

On a positive note, if this were to be my tomb stone, at least I didn't die alone LOL- that had always been my "deepest fear".. so maybe there is hope for me yet!!! And as for the guys at the legion? They probably don't remember me!

In today's Daily Reflections, it talks about accepting our humanness. I shall take this to mean that I may just be here for another (sober) day!

We finally saw that the inventory should be our's, not another person's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.

As Bill Sees It pg. 22

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept that responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people diod to me. Once I came into AA I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was- humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them- and myself- and those with whom I'd had the differences; from there , recovery is just a short distance ahead.

As one final thought for today, I saw this in a fortune cookie once- a message from my Higher Power perhaps?...

Live today that you not be afraid to leave the family parrot to the neighborhood gossip!... I wish you all peace, love and sobriety today!

ARRRGGGHHHH...I have put paragraphs in this post about a thousand times now, they are not saving or publishing for me---- HEEELLLLPPP!

OK rant over now!

ATTENTION SEEKING AT IT'S FINEST!

This is from today's Daily Reflection's...

Demands made on other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion....
Twelve steps and Twelve Traditions pg.44

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this "need" can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, But I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.
Similarily, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the AA program, my aim is to improve my character.

I had started a post yesterday, and had got as far as typing out the reading, then I realized I really did not have that much to say! I know that is a little hard to belive about me, but truth be told, not that long ago I would have posted anyway, making it up as I went along. I think that for me, this stems from my need for approval. Which just happens to tie in with the reading for today. I know that I lived my life wanting someone, anyone to tell me I was OK- or not! The thing I have realized is that there was never going to be enough approval to make me feel ok with myself. A hundred people could have told me how great I was,what a good job I had done, how sweet, pretty, thin, loving, etc etc etc...but it was ALWAYS the one negative thing I heard that would consume my thoughts! It used to drive me crazy! Even as I am typing this, I am coming to see that I am changing- slowly, but changing I am.

When I was little, I had my mother's undivided attention for about three years, my father was away a lot ( he was a sailor) and my sister had not yet been born. My mother really doted on me! To her I was like a little doll that she could dress up and play with (she never had a doll when she was little). My mother loved me so much, and with a husband that was often away, or drunk when he was home, I became a great source for my mom's self esteem. She would sew me clothes and knit clothes for my dolls. She would dress me up and take me out, and with my red hair, I guess I receved quite a bit of attention. About the same time as my sister was born, my father had stopped most of his travels at sea. I quickly learned that I would never again get that constant attention and approval from any one. But that didn't stop me from trying!

I think for me, I learned that I had to do whatever it took to get people to pay attention to me. When someone did notice me, it was not usually for a good reason, as in all the sexual abuse I suffered. When I got a little older I started to act out, so again, I was paid attention to, but not in a good way. The thing is, kids will do anything to get someone to "look at me, pay attention to ME". I learned that I got far more attention for being 'bad' than for being good. It became what I was used to, not neccesarily what I wanted or even liked...

There are still many days when I find myself looking outside for that attention/approval that I so needed as a child, the difference is that today I can more easily recognize this and do something to change my thoughts or actions and just give myself the attention and love that I want. Talk about changing!

As I have mentioned, I have once again started looking for a job. I started thinking about it way back in November, when I asked for assistance with my resume. By January I had bought a printer so I could easily access and print up a resume from home. In March I edited my resume and worked on adding various cover letters, some customized ( for Starbucks, Home Depot and Pharma Plus) and I also wrote up some generic cover letters. Yesterday, I dropped off my very first one..... I will wait for the applause to die down before I continue.....

Yes that's right folks, Lushgurl has now entered the journey into the job search world. The only thing I had not yet done was to contact my former boss. Fear had kept me from making this phone call- fear of rejection, fear of being told to F- off, fear of finding that I could not use him as a reference... So today. after I had read my readings, had a bowl of cereal, and a few simple words of prayer, I picked up that hundred pound phone (a phrase borrowed from Sober Steve), and called my old boss. He actually sounded surprised and, dare I say Happy? to hear from me! What's up with that? I explained that I was looking for work again and asked if I could expect a good reference from him or if I should ask people to not call him, he said "I will be happy to give you a very good reference!". We spoke briefly for a few minutes, he told me that he was glad that things were going well for me and wished me the best of luck...

Today I am going to see my counsellor and I will be armed with more resumes to drop off. Ya never know, I may actually be one step closer to earning my keep! I have hope today. I know that not everyone will like me or approve of me, but today I love and approve of myself. I think that maybe I am starting to grow up a bit...is that OK? LOL

Hey, I just noticed that this is my forty sixth post and I am turning forty six this year, I wonder if that MEANS anything- other than I am a freak....and Hey... I just got a note from John W congratulating me on my ten months clean and sober ...DUUUUHHH, I didn't even remember LOL