HE CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY

These are pictures of AAngel and Toughguy, on a rare occasion when he allowed her to cuddle with him!

Technically it is Sunday morning, so I thought I'd start to post since I haven't since Wednesday! I just don't know where the week has gone! I have been busy, so I know that's part of it, but gee, I remember Monday like it was yesterday, and here it is almost Monday again! First thing this morning I was supposed to meet with my sponsor to discuss Step Two. I was looking forward to this, we are getting along quite well and she is very smart. I didn't make it to our meeting though 'cause it was at 9:30 and I slept in!

I've heard that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing and expecting different results". I can definately see how my disease caused much insanity in my life. When I chaired my home group on Friday, I shared how I probably was an alcoholic from the first time I drank in earnest. I was plagued by blackouts very early on. I found them to be terrifying, but then I also thought that blackouts just happened whenever people drank! I continued drinking for about 10 years before someone clued me in to the fact that no, not everyone had blackouts, but did I quit drinking? No of course not, because I kept hoping that I wouldn't have another blackout. After spending years sober and in the program, I relapsed, I remember thinking that maybe I would be able to drink normally, since I hadn't drank at all for so many years. I was wrong! So I returned to AA again, and a few years later embarked on another drinking expedition...different day, same results. Insanity, yup, I've been there!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading...
We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect.
As Bill Sees It pg. 95

When I came to AA, I was run down by the bottle and wanted to lose the obsession to drink, but I didn't really know how to do that. I decided to stick around long enough to find out from the ones who went before me. All of a sudden I was thinking about God! I was told to get a Higher Power and I had no idea what one looked like. I found out there are many Higher Powers. I was told to find God, as I understand Him, that there was no doctrine of the Godhead in AA. I found that Power to restore me to sanity. The obsession to drink was removed and- one day at a time- my life went on, and I learned how to live sober.

Once again I am struck with awe that this reading has to do with restoring me to sanity, isn't that what I am working on today? So, here is what I am gratefuil for today..

• a loving God who sends me messages when I least expect them
  
• a really good sleep after a very tiring week


• my sponsor who forgave me for sleeping in this AM, we are meeting on Tuesday instead


• for all of the delicious salads I have been eating this week


• more blooms in my garden- pictures are coming!


• I've been too tired/busy to blog-stalk y'all, but you're all still here!


• I've not been too tired/busy to get to my meetings


• my AAngel has been with me since Tuesday, and we are getting along very well


• my AAngel gives the BEST hugs in the world, if or when I meet any of you for real, I can show you how she hugs!


• to be more accepting of myself today


• I am clean and sober today


• YOU are clean and sober today.....Here I come, see you soon!

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

HA HA HA ...Fooled ya! It's pretty much the same old stuff that I usually rant on about, but today I don't feel the dreaded sense of panic that has been all around me lately. All right , so maybe that is a little new. I actually have had a few pretty good days this week. I've been kind of busy, I've had some fun, I have been taking care of self (and it's felt good), hey that stuff is kind of different too...wait a minute... the title of my post was supposed to be a joke, you know, ha ha , funny, but it seems that my life has indeed been 'different' of late.

I am not one to just um, ACCEPT things no questions asked, so at the risk of messing up the whole karma thing... well it just wouldn't be right if I did not now wonder what the heck is going on here! I was fighting a cold earlier in the week and kind of felt icky, so I rested a lot and didn't beat myself up over it. I had a couple of appointments that I kind of wanted to blow off, but I attended them and was even on time! I have been reading my daily meditations everyday. I have become more consciously aware of what I am feeding myself and am trying to make healthier choices. I've made phone calls to friends. I payed bills and bought actual groceries before I did any fun stuff. HMMM...it seems as if when I take better care of myself, good things tend to happen... like I feel more relaxed and a little less critical of myself, and almost happy even. CRAP...I dunno if I can allow all this good stuff into my life, surely it won't last...

Devilteen has been with me since Wednesday as the high schools are writing exams this week. Tomorrow she is off to spend a day or two with her dad, so I will have the rest of the weekend to myself. The cool part is that I am not afraid of this nor am I dreading being alone on another weekend. I plan to go to a couple of AA meetings that I don't get to when DT is here all weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. On Thursday a friend took me out so that I could finally buy a printer for my computer, that means I no longer have an excuse to not do up my resume and get my butt out job hunting! It feels a little wierd though, I may actually be working again soon. Chances are that if I put out a few resumes, someone. somewhere might kind of be interested in hiring me. Yeah and if I get a job I will be out in the world and maybe meeting new people and maybe 'Having a Life'... WOW, me, lushgurl, with a life, now that IS something completely different!!!

Devilteen took some pictures of me today, normally I hate getting my picture taken 'cause I never like how I look in them. What do guys think? I've put a picture of me on my Blog. I think it turned out kind of neat, I like that it is kind of bluish , suits my normal frame of mind. I don't think that I look so horrible in it either, which is a nice surprise for me. I never thought I would put my face out there for all to see, but I think I'll keep it, it doesn't suck too badly!!! HMM... that is kind of different too come to think of it. I knew this would happen, a run of good days and then what, more good days, and let me guess for next week the forecast will be more good days? Oh well I guess I have to just suck it up and go with the flow. On that note though I think I'll go for now just in case the karma Gods realize I've had too many good days and decide to make up for lost time... Later friends!