Wow, I was quite touched, surprised and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love I received to wish me a Happy 9 Months! This is me after all, the gurl who never counted for anything. The daughter that people didn't know my mother had, the mom whose child was taken from her care.... It seems that after all the heartbreak I have managed to cause in the lives of those I love, there are still people out there who are willing to believe in me. I can not even find the words to make you understand what this experience has done to me, but I'm gonna try...I never really gave myself credit for anything, unless of course it involved me making a mess of something. I would usually be the first person to take the blame if there was blame to be had. It took me years of therapy to 'get' that I wasn't nearly so powerful or important that I could cause all of the things that I had taken the blame for (read credit). When I was only sixteen, my father had the first of two heart attacks, and yes I alone, was directly responsible for this! You see, my dad and I had a hate/hate relationship throughout my life. I used to pray to God to take my dad thinking that my mom, my sister and I would have a much better life without him. No, you don't get it, I mean I REALLY prayed for this, I used to wish it all the time, I was sure that everyone knew what an evil person I was! So alas, when my father had his heart attack, he blamed me. Well not right away he didn't, but after, when he came home, if I was doing something that annoyed him ( which of course was daily ) he would yell " Are you TRYING to give me another heart attack?" You see, even he knew I had caused the first one! I moved away from home shortly after that so that my mom, dad and sister could have a better life without ME there.I was so far away from being ready to be on my own at that point, I was not a mature 17 year old. The only job I ever had was babysitting. I wasn't allowed to do laundry or cook at my parents house 'cause my dad thought I would probably break something. I had never had a boy friend or dated. I guess in a lot of ways I was very sheltered (from the outside world). One of the things I did have though, was a basic mistrust of everyone and everything. I think that comes from living in an alcoholic home, you know...Thou shalt not tell the family secrets, and all that stuff. I was lucky enough to move in with an older family friend so that I could finish high school. She was a wonderful and very conservative woman, so I didn't have to worry about talking about my feelings or anything. After school ended I was lucky enough to land a job in a private sector business, it had a union, it paid really well, and they preferred to train employees to work there (read I didn't need any skills to work there). But there I was 18 years old with a very good job, my own apartment, a second hand car, and feeling very much like a fraud!
I had no idea how I had managed to appear as if I was doing OK. I always thought that THEY would realize I didn't really belong where I was and take it all away from me. Later on, the company actually did try to fire me, but of course, that is what unions' were good for! On more than one occasion, they stepped in to save my ass. So I eventually quit that job after working there for eleven years! I never saved for the future as I never thought I would have a future. I never invested any money, after all I couldn't take it with me so I spent it as fast as I earned it. I knew I never really deserved to be there, so I thought I didn't deserve any of the perks that came with working at the same job for eleven years.
Within a year and a half of geographically curing all that was wrong with me and my life, I found myself a single mom to a beautiful little daughter. She was perfect! She didn't have any horrible disfiguring features, she didn't have two horns and a tail (that came much later LOL), and every where we went people would stop us to ' talk' to debaby! She was smart, she was happy, she deserved to have a mom and dad together, she deserved to not live in poverty, she deserved the best in life, and clearly, that was NOT ME! You all know the rest in a nut shell, the details are not that important. Suffice it to say that I never believed that I was worthy of any thing good in my life.
To be honest and give myself some credit, I have really worked hard this past year to put things back together in my life. I know that achieving 9 months of sobriety is indeed a miracle, for any alcoholic. Certainly for me, I couldn't even imagine staying sober for one week at this time last year. But the program of AA, the fellowship my Higher Power, and of course all of YOU, have helped me to get where I am today, I am so incredibly grateful for this gift. Naturally though, when things go too well for me, I start to feel kind of strange. For the most part I have been able to just accept the many gifts sobriety has given me, and to share the feelings that have come up for me. I have prayed for guidance to do His Will, I have attended many meetings and still see a counsellor a couple times a month. I know I am doing the best I can for today, I could probably do better, but I am striving for progress , not perfection!
Last night we were having a pretty bad snow storm, so my Angel did not come. I haven't seen her for two weeks now and I miss her terribly and I was hoping she could be there to see me get my 9 month chip, but she couldn't be. One of my closest friends had made other plans for the evening too, so she was not going to be there either. Throughout the day, as I would check on my blog, it seemed the well wishes were just pouring in! I laughed, I cried and I almost didn't go to my meeting last night! I had started to get a little depressed. Don't get me wrong, I was so very happy to see all of the beautiful comments to my post, but I guess, in a way, I was also feeling a little guilty. I had never received so many comments in my life (or birthday cards for that matter). Then my 'shitty committee' started going to work in my head, quietly at first, but louder and louder the closer it got to 8:00. Ya know what it was saying? "sure it's easy for all of those people to reach out to you, they don't really know you. If they did, you wouldn't have heard a word. If you really mattered then your daughter and your friend would be here to celebrate this with you. Fraud, loser, undeserving one!"
I could hardly believe what I was saying to myself! I did go to the meeting after all. It was an amazing young man who had such wisdom and humility, and HE congratulated ME, when I went to thank him after the meeting. I got lots of hugs, which I really needed ( as much as I love cyber hugs, I still need to feel a body once in a while!). I did get my 9 month chip, and it was my sponsor who gave it to me. I made a commitment last night to myself, in order to fight off the 'shitty committee' and the ever sleeping addict within me. I am going to do what others' before me have done, I am going back to Step One in the 12 X 12, I have heard it suggested to read it every day for thirty days, and if you miss a day, you have to start at day one again. Last night the speaker shared that it had taken him about eighty days to get through thirty days in a row of Step One!! So, I am writing this to you to keep myself accountable! Any one care to join me? I figure the worst that could happen is that I will TOTALLY GET IT no matter how long it takes me! And besides, I realized how very much I really liked getting all those comments to my humble post and I want that again! So, despite MY best efforts, and with a lot of help from all of you and my Higher Power, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT TO MY YEAR (cake anyone?) One day at a time!
I know this is a really long post, and I kind of apologize for that, but I HAVE to share my daily meditations with you... Peace for now...
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!
Alcoholics Anonumous pg. 62
For so many years my life revolved solely around myself. I was consumed with self in all forms- self-centeredness, self-pity, self-seeking, all of which stemmed from pride. Today I have been given the gift, through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, of practicing the Steps and Traditions in my daily life, of my group and sponsor, and the capacity -if I so choose- to put my pride aside in all situations which arise in my life.
Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety.
I swear you guys, I do not read the meditations before I post them but it always seems to relate to the problems of my day!!! Coincidence- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT!!!
