DOING THE RIGHT THING

Happy Sunday to one and all. What better way to start our day than to read today's Daily Reflection...

Referring to our list {inventory} again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action for the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

Today I realize how I have come to not only know the right thing to do in most situations, but it actually feels better to actually do it! Flash back to about this time last year... my next door neighbor, to whom I had become quite close, was moving. It was bittersweet for me in that for about three years we were pretty good friends. I had also used her as an excuse to relapse, in that she was a social drinker, you know, one of those people who could go out for an evening and at the end of the night still have half a drink left over! The worst part for me was knowing of the eleventh commandment, which I was sure said "Thou shalt not waste alcohol!" But I digress.

The thing is, over the years we had shared lots of stuff , including my garden, do any of you know how psycho I am for my garden? LOL The thing is, I had once again become clean and sober, and my friend who near the end had become quite judgemental about this 'cokehead' as she would refer to me. Our frienship had ended about the time I came back to recovery. So in my righteous indignation about her shunning of me, after all the things I had done for her, including sharing my precious garden, I decided to 'take back my life', in the form of some of the many plants I had given her! Can you see where this is going? No? Well let me tell you!

This woman absolutely ignored me, and it hurt, but it was easier for me to get angry than to cry over losing a friend. So one day, I had decided to take back my garden, one plant at a time. I waited for a day when I was sure that neighbor gurl was not home, I was out watering my garden and I was getting angrier and angrier that she had some Asians that I had shared with her, mine never bloomed, but hers did in all their Asian glory! So I went to her yard and plucked one up, root and all, quite pleased that I would get my little flower back, and just when I was re-entering my yard, she saw me! CRAP- busted!!! And to make matters worse, because I didn't think she was home, when she screamed "Just what the HELL do you think YOU are doing?", I nearly jumped out of my skin!!!

Long story shorter...I knew at the time, that what I was doing was wrong. I had shared my garden out of love, it really did make me happy to give her some of what I had. But my hurt feelings and resentment at her grew when I found she was moving, without crying to say goodbye to me, and my anger caused me to retaliate. I think of this gurl often, wonder how she is doing, and try to remember the fun we once had. I know that I definately owe her an apology, for my behaviour. I am reminded of a saying that one of AAngels' grade school teachers had : "It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong!" Hope you all have a wonderful day!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I am inspired to post today by my friend Clarity Case. If you have a moment drop by and give her a hello, she is struggling today http://claritycase.blogspot.com/

I hate meetings, I hate a higher power, I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the disease alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I'm pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover. I have given comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die didn't you call me? I love to make you hurt. I make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry. You can't feel anything at all. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always, when things things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you don't deserve these good things in life. People don't take me seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be possible. I'm such a hated disease , and yet I don't come uninvited. so many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program, your meetings, your Higher Power-all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here......And until we meet again, if we ever meet again, I wish you death and suffering. You got me before, but not anymore, so I'll make this rhyme, one day at a time.

I had received this letter in an e-mail and saved it because it really spoke to me. I felt as if I was really hearing alcohol and drugs voicing the words I had only thought of before. When I'm having crappy days, full of self-loathing and feeling discontented, my counsellor tells me it is my inner addict trying to get back into my life. My inner addict does not want me to succeed in life, 'cause then it has no control over me. When I stay clean and sober my disease loses its' foothold. When I go to meetings and share my experience, strength and hope with others, my disease, and your disease grow weaker. So I hope you all remain clean and sober today, all of us together have a stronger army than our disease ever could dream of having.

Today I am very grateful for the following...

• another day of clean and sober living
• to be getting along well with AAngel
• we are going to visit a friend tomorrow, and I will get to play in her garden
• to have everything I need, and some to share too
• that I am beginning to know how to handle situations which used to baffle me
• for all of the love I feel when I visit your bloggy's
• for being able to accept me today- just the way I am
• my two kitties and my budgie bird, who keep me company when AAngel is not here
• that I am able to grow a garden, and share it with others
• YOU and you and YoU too!!!

HE CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY

These are pictures of AAngel and Toughguy, on a rare occasion when he allowed her to cuddle with him!

Technically it is Sunday morning, so I thought I'd start to post since I haven't since Wednesday! I just don't know where the week has gone! I have been busy, so I know that's part of it, but gee, I remember Monday like it was yesterday, and here it is almost Monday again! First thing this morning I was supposed to meet with my sponsor to discuss Step Two. I was looking forward to this, we are getting along quite well and she is very smart. I didn't make it to our meeting though 'cause it was at 9:30 and I slept in!

I've heard that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing and expecting different results". I can definately see how my disease caused much insanity in my life. When I chaired my home group on Friday, I shared how I probably was an alcoholic from the first time I drank in earnest. I was plagued by blackouts very early on. I found them to be terrifying, but then I also thought that blackouts just happened whenever people drank! I continued drinking for about 10 years before someone clued me in to the fact that no, not everyone had blackouts, but did I quit drinking? No of course not, because I kept hoping that I wouldn't have another blackout. After spending years sober and in the program, I relapsed, I remember thinking that maybe I would be able to drink normally, since I hadn't drank at all for so many years. I was wrong! So I returned to AA again, and a few years later embarked on another drinking expedition...different day, same results. Insanity, yup, I've been there!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading...
We are only operating a spiritual kindergarten in which people are enabled to get over drinking and find the grace to go on living to better effect.
As Bill Sees It pg. 95

When I came to AA, I was run down by the bottle and wanted to lose the obsession to drink, but I didn't really know how to do that. I decided to stick around long enough to find out from the ones who went before me. All of a sudden I was thinking about God! I was told to get a Higher Power and I had no idea what one looked like. I found out there are many Higher Powers. I was told to find God, as I understand Him, that there was no doctrine of the Godhead in AA. I found that Power to restore me to sanity. The obsession to drink was removed and- one day at a time- my life went on, and I learned how to live sober.

Once again I am struck with awe that this reading has to do with restoring me to sanity, isn't that what I am working on today? So, here is what I am gratefuil for today..

• a loving God who sends me messages when I least expect them
  
• a really good sleep after a very tiring week


• my sponsor who forgave me for sleeping in this AM, we are meeting on Tuesday instead


• for all of the delicious salads I have been eating this week


• more blooms in my garden- pictures are coming!


• I've been too tired/busy to blog-stalk y'all, but you're all still here!


• I've not been too tired/busy to get to my meetings


• my AAngel has been with me since Tuesday, and we are getting along very well


• my AAngel gives the BEST hugs in the world, if or when I meet any of you for real, I can show you how she hugs!


• to be more accepting of myself today


• I am clean and sober today


• YOU are clean and sober today.....Here I come, see you soon!

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...

LIFE IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION...

Well, Scott W. tagged me a few days ago, so I guess I'll fulfill my obligations now! I am supposed to write about jobs I've had, hope you have a coffee, my list is not very long and not nearly as exciting as Scott's or MC's....

The very first job I had was a hand-me-down from a gurl friend. She was a home cleaner and one of her clients was an older couple. The wife was very not well and unable to care for herself, let alone take care of a home, the husband was quite aged also, and that was where I came in. I was about 16, I think, and I got paid $20.00 every Sunday to clean their home from top to bottom. Mostly the job was not bad, but one of the things that took forever was the dusting. They had lots of old wood pieces, and all were very ornate, all of the nooks and cranny's used to drive me crazy! Oh and let's not forget all the knick knacks!!! The worst part of the job was definitely cleaning the bathroom *shivers* I almost get sick just thinking about it, it was DISGUSTING! and I had to clean all the mold and mildew in the bath area. It was a tiny little bathroom with no windows... the smell... ewwwww!

I only worked at that job for a few months, then I moved from home. I had to go on welfare from February to June of '78 so that I could finish high school. My next job was at a seedy motel in the outskirts of Ottawa, where I lived. I was a chambermaid and worked both weekend days, it was a pay raise for me - I now made 44 dollars a weekend! Again the work was not really difficult, but it was not a high end establishment, each girl had from five to eight rooms to clean each day. The part of the motel where I worked was reserved more for people who didn't stay too long like sports teams, the bands that played in the disco lounge and other minor celebrities who were in town. A lot of these patrons had parties, and it was pretty brutal to clean- old booze bottles, left over food stuffs, and other stinky stuff! One band that stayed there was "The Ink Spots", when I went to do their rooms, one of the guys made a pass at me, it was not nice!
Another time, I was cleaning a room where the guests had left already, they had LEFT behind a 26 oz. bottle of rye, which I drank!!! I think I was fired after that!

When high school ended I shared an apartment with two other girls, by then I was working in a clothing store. It was supposed to be full time but was only given weekends with an occasional shift during the week. We were only paid $2.22 an hour, and it was not enough to live on! I spent a lot of time driving around with the pizza guys who worked next door- they had dope! I also got fired from that job!

Job number four was for an up and coming tech firm, something I was totally not into, but it was full time so that was good! We had to put these little bitty parts together, you know, the insides of computer boards! It required much attention to detail and if each component was not perfect, the whole thing would not work! I was definitely NOT the top producer on my team LOL. After being there for about a week, my boss took me aside and suggested I try out at a printing company that he knew was hiring, he felt it would be a better fit for me! So I applied at the new place, was hired, and gave my two weeks notice at the tech firm. I had only worked there a total of three weeks!!

My biggest and longest lasting job was working at a security printing company, I was hired in September of '78 and worked there until July of '90. The starting pay was $5.55 an hour, and it was unionized, so if we made it through the probationary period, we were pretty much set. After two years of working there our salary had more than doubled! I started working the evening shift after about six or nine months, hated getting up in the mornings and with all this money I had really started to 'party hardy'! A bonus was that shift work paid an extra fifteen percent, and I got to work lots of overtime! Remember back in the eighties? Money practically grew on trees! I was young, had no dependants, and kind of thought I'd never make it to twenty five, so I spent everything I earned! I did manage to buy a brand new car though, an '84 Mustang, I loved her sooo much. In January of '86, I was in one of my first attempt at sobriety, I had not drank for three whole weeks- it was a miracle! Living on the border between Ontario and Quebec came in handy back then because after the bars closed at one AM here , we would drive five minutes and party til three there! On one of these sober nights I had decided I deserved to celebrate, heading over to Quebec, I was involved in a head on collision. I was hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way parkway! He thought he was going to Quebec- he was wrong!! RIP to my sweet Mustang, I however never made it out to party that night!

I sort of digressed there, sorry! I did manage to work at the Security Printing company for eleven years, I ended up quitting after my disease of addictions ( including alcohol, drugs and anorexia almost killed me). Within months of leaving a treatment centre I was pregnant with Angel, I worked a couple of part time jobs , one in clothing sales, the other at a frozen yogurt place where I gained ten pounds in two weeks from Taste Testing the product!!! The next eight years I stayed at home and (attempted) to raise my daughter.

When Angel was seven. I went to college full time for a child and youth worker course. I barely made it through the first term, and ended up with three incompletes, two B's and an A!!! I tried the work thing again, another part time job in clothing retail. I loved this job and found myself to be quite good at it, my sales exceeded those of employees who had been there for a lot longer than I had! I was fired after only a month because I was frequently late. I had started doing sewing repairs and alterations from my home in '93 I think , so that money tied me over while I stayed home with Angel. After I left college, my family doctor advised me to go on disability. I was having a really tough time with depression, and trying to stay clean and sober. So that started in '96 or '97, and I didn't work again until the summer of 2003.

I worked at an outdoor fruit and vegetable market. We started at six AM and went to six PM, and we got paid in cash, so I didn't declare my earnings. I got paid $88.00 a day and would cross the street after work and spend my earnings in the bar! That was the summer I really started to get out of control with my drinking, after about seven years of sobriety! The money was great to keep me in drugs and booze and I managed to hang on to the job until they closed for the year at the end of September.

In October of 2003 I started working at a small Deli, I have shared a bit about this job before. My boss was also my pot dealer! I worked there part time for about a year, when the other employee (the bosses son) was injured, then I went to full time as well as running the whole place by myself! I was actually very good at the job and I really loved it too, I could go out back (the deli was in a bar) and I could smoke my doobs with a ciggie chaser! I was allowed to smoke dope at this job- just NO DRINKING! Good thing too as I had to cut all of the meats, smoked meat , roast beef brisket and salami! In March of 2005, Angel was taken from me by children's aid, they wanted me to quit my job so I could go to treatment, but I refused because I was the only employee at the time and I thought the deli would close without me. Besides with Angel gone I had begun to drink daily and I needed the money to pay for my habit! I managed to hang on there until March of 2006 at which point I knew I could not continue to live the way I was living. So I quit the Deli with only three days notice. The Deli did end up closing after another month! I have not worked since then, putting all of my energy into my recovery!

So there you have it, once again I am kind of surprised at how much my addictions had a place in my work history! I think I am ready to start a new job but I don't know if my former boss will give a good recommendation or not and I think I am kind of afraid of going back out into the world!!! On a positive note though, I have managed to put together a resume and am at least looking for work again!

A PEACEFUL SUNDAY

AA Thought for the Day

By having quiet times each morning, we come to depend on God's help during the day, especially if we should be tempted to take a drink. And we can honestly thank Him each night for the strength He has given us. By listening to other members, by working with other alcoholics, by times of quiet meditation, our faith in God gradually becomes strong. Have I turned my drink problem entirely over to God, without reservations?

from 24 Hours a Day

I am noticing each day how much easier it is for me to keep turning it over. I was at a closed discussion meeting last week, a womens' meeting. We were reading and talking about Step one. It was a great meeting, one that I had joined in my quest to develop new and healthy relationships with women in recovery. There was really good and honest sharing going on, stuff I could certainly relate to. One woman shared how much work it was for her to feed her daily habit. As a mother with two children under the age of four, in the winter her quest for her DOC's would involve dressing two kids in their winter stuff, putting one child in a car seat , the other in a booster seat, driving to the liquor store, taking child A out of the booster seat, getting the stroller out for child B who had fallen asleep in the car, and putting child B into the stroller without waking him up! Going into the liquor store ( for less than five minutes) then doing every thing in reverse order to get back home again! Of course this was a daily routine, can you imagine the insanity of it all? I know you can!

There was another woman who I had seen get her two month chip, actually it was not that long ago. She shared about how she had been struggling lately and that she had planned to pick up a three month chip that evening, but something in the readings had caused an awakening of sorts within her. This woman had actually drank on one night and realized that even though she really wanted that three month chip, she hadn't reaaly earned it. At the end of the meeting she picked up another desire chip. I for one was very grateful that she had the courage to share about her slip and also to begin a new, honest program for herself. It showed all of us how important honesty is in the program.

A third woman , who I have seen at a few meetings, shared too. I am still trying to figure out how I felt about what she had to say. I know that when something 'sticks in my craw', it is because there is something about that person or situation, that I need to look at in myself. I am hoping by writing and sharing with you today I can figure out the lesson that is here for me to learn... This woman has been sober for just over three years (wow, amazing, I hope I will get there, I think to myself). She said how when she first entered the program she would tell everyone "I am an alcoholic!". As we all know, sometimes this information is probably better when kept to 'safe' people , as not all of the world is as accepting of us as we are! I kind of know what this is like though, in my first attempt at recovery, I told everyone, I think in part 'cause I needed somehow, to come to terms with my new identity. Today I share with some and not with others, it depends on the situation and who the person is.

This young woman had a lot of stuff going on in her life. She attends university, she has two jobs, she has a social life, you know a lot of balanced living stuff. I liked what she had and it appeared that she was working a good program. Then she said that she lived with her parents and had not told them that she was an alcoholic! OK, I am not judging (or am I?) but I just didn't get this! She said her parents were very conservative and that they just wouldn't understand how their daughter could be one of us. But then she said she thought maybe she hadn't told her parents because she felt shame by admitting she was an alcoholc. I guess I can kind of understand this, but I so don't feel that way today. The thing is, for me, if I were living with my parents I think I would feel dishonest in a way by not telling them what a big part AA was playing in my life.

When I shared I read the part of Step one that says "....first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by an allergy that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process..." So many parts of my alcoholic life were as insane as this. Like I kind of thought that nobody really knew how bad my drinking was, yeah OK!!! Everyone shows up at work with unexplainable bruises and black eyes! People at the liquor store knew my name and what I drank and even suggested new products that they thought I might enjoy! Who hasn't hit the ATM at two in the morning because they have run out of money and need more to buy more (drugs). INSANITY? I would say so!!! Oh and having my child removed from my care and continuing to drink everyday for months afterwards, if that doesn't reek of insanity then I don't know what insanity is!

For me, I don't always want to be honest, I mean if I was wrong about something I don't always want to say "I was wrong" or if I have hurt someone by my words or actions, I don't always want to admit it and ask how I could make amends. But my program teaches me to Be honest and to MAKE amends to all persons I have harmed, and if I am unwilling to do this I need to PRAY for willingness and guidance, and if I do not do these things, I know that I will drink again! Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn from this, to not be judgemental and just focus on what I need to do for me today. I shared that I am not proud necessarily to be an alcoholic, but I am definately NOT ashamed. I am so grateful that I have a program that teaches me how to live (a better and more honest life). There are a lot of 'earthlings' out there who would probably benefit greatly if they were lucky enough to be alcoholic, 'cause then they too would have a program to help fight off insanity! After the meeting a woman who had many years in the program came to me and thanked me for sharing, ME, she thanked ME! She said it was good to not be ashamed and also grateful to be an alcoholic.

It is a gorgeous and sunny day out today, and we are having a heat wave of OVER O degrees celcius (that would be 32 in farenheit, probably the only conversion I can make accurately!). I think I am going to wake my Angel up and go enjoy some fresh air and excersise. I plan to have a great day today and unless you've made other plans, I hope you too have a great day! Later all.

SA-TUR-DAY and ALL IS WELL

It seems I have successfully completed another week... There was a time not that long ago, when I would wake up dreading each and every day. I'm not quite at the point where "everyday a new adventure", however I have , apparently, passed the point of " aww, f-k, another day to deal with! In just a little over eight months, my life has seemingly been transformed from dull, bleak, get-through-it-however-I-can to wow another brand new day! I must give credit where credit is due though, for I, on my own, could never have achieved such a miracle in this 'lil Lushgurls life!

As I have mentioned a time or two before... Kudos to AA for f-king up my drinking career! It seems that ones' first exposure to the program, changes ones' perspective about ones' drinking to the point where , it is never quite the same! Granted, by the time I attended my first AA meeting, my drinking was no longer social, not by any stretch of even the most vivid imagination. The thing, for me, was that I had heard a few things in ' that stupid meeting' that hit a little too close to home. You see, like any good little alcoholic, the progression of my illness took me to places that a few years before I never would have gone (read the places where I could still sit in judgement of others as ' I was not THAT bad'... ) As long as I could see someone who was in worse (alcoholic ) shape than I, it was easy to justify that I was not an alcoholic!!! Anyone relate to that?

Fast forward however many years necessary to the point where drinking ( and/or using ) consumed my every waking thought and action. I had been in and out of the program a few times by this point. I had achieved certain milestones in my recovery in the way of a couple of one year medallions. I had managed to do a certain amount of personal inventory taking and making some amends. But I never truly 'got honest' with YOU, me and my Higher Power. Result...back out once again to see how much further down the scale I could slither! Yup. THEY said that maybe if I was "painstaking about this phase of my recovery, I would be amazed before I was half-way through", and once again, I rewrote this to mean that maybe I was recovered enough to drink normally...

And back out I went again, all for the greater good though... it was research I was doing, yeah that's it, I was ever-so- selflessly proving to you, me and cousin Billy, that 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic'. Of course I threw myself whole heartedly into my research project. I traveled in new, lower circles, I did things I would never have imagined myself doing. I achieved a new low (high?) in self-loathing, yup even I could not have envisioned how much worse I was actually capable of feeling about me and life in general. It was like someone had sucked all the fun out of the pursuit of drunken-ness for me, but dammit, I'm NO quitter!!! I figured if I changed the kind of alcoholic beverage I over indulged in, that maybe I could drink like an earthling. Maybe if I only drank alone, well ok, I knew at this point that I could not drink like an earthling, but NO ONE was around to see it!

It seemed my impending demise was not to be quick and painless and in the privacy of my own home. No , not me. My demise was slow and painful and always (in one way or another) blatantly obvious to all but me. Yes, I have another example for you (you're welcome)... It was a Friday night, I remember it not at all, I had finished work and gone to my local liquor store to stock up on my beverages for the upcoming week (famous last words). Saturday morning I awoke, not in my bed, but on the couch, in my 'living' room. I knew before I even opened my eyes that something was not right. OWWW, my face hurt. OWWWWW, my knee was killing me and OWWWWWWW, how the hell did I manage to scrape the entire bottom of my left arm, and why am I not wearing my jeans..... up the stairs I stumbled to get ready for work, which was in less than an hour . I passed the mirror in the bathroom on my way to the shower, and caught a glimpse of someone who was Definately NOT me!!!

It appeared that Lushgurl had been transformed from a fairly normal looking-to-the-outside-world gurl, into a very scary picture indeed. I did not one but two double takes! I couldn't believe what I was seeing looking back at me, I looked like I had gone a few rounds with a much bigger, more sober person, who had walked away with the WWF belt. I had a very swollen and blackened eye, my face was scraped form forehead to chin, and I had absolutely NO IDEA what had happened to me. The worst part (' cause things were never as bad as they seemed) was that I did have to be at work in less than an hour, and where did I work you wonder? In a Deli that was in a bar!!! Irony was never wasted on me... I pondered the idea of calling in sick, but alas, I was one of only two employees and as the 'manager' and Saturday being our busiest day and employee #2 having less than two weeks experience, my ponderance was short-lived.

The funny thing was, in that funny, glad-it's-you-not-me kind of way.... that I got very few reactions to my new and improved appearance. Yes there were a few sympathetic looks, and a couple of clients did ask me if I was OK, but for the most part, people would just try to avoid looking directly at me! Did wonders for my self-esteem , really. Of course there was one guy, a kind of adopted father if you will, who every time I limped by to serve a customer, looked angrier and angrier. At a slow moment on a very busy Saturday, he finally came into my kitchen. I could see that he was quite angry (at me?), he stormed up to me and demanded to know "who did this to you, I'll go out and shoot him myself?"... Gawd, if only I could will the ground beneath me to gape open and swallow me up, I would have. The 'best' part? He did NOT believe that I had done that to my self!!! He asked me several times through the course of that very long Saturday to 'just tell me who did this, I'll fix him up good!'.

I could go on with many more like stories to impress upon you the fact that I am and always will be, an alcoholic. But you've probably been there a time or two yourself, and if you haven't, trust me, you are definately not missing much!!! The point is, that today I woke up in my own bed, alone ( yeah some days that sucks) and I remember going to bed, and I don't have many beautiful unexplainable colours all over my body, and I don't wake up full of fear and dread each and every day. Today I can have whatever kind of a day I choose. It can be fun and spent with loved ones, it can be quiet, enjoyed in solitude, but it can be GOOD. For that I am grateful to every alcoholic I have ever met, the drinking and sober ones, and most of all, to all of you in recovery who share their experience , strength and hope with me. Have a GREAT Saturday every one!!!