LEARNING TO LIVE AND LET GO

I saw this quote at Capucine's place, in the comments box, it touched a chord within me...

"I believe in the sun when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when he is silent. " ~written on the wall of a concentration camp

One of the very best parts of recovery for me is the ability to have faith, no matter what happens around me. To feel love for others, and to know I too am loved, even when I feel angry or hurt or confused. The ability to see all of the miracles in my life, and to allow them to stay...I am feeling just so...mushy? I had such a great weekend! Yeah, I know, it started out kind of rough, but I also know there was a reason for that. Saturday, I had time to reflect on my life and Angels' life. I had the opportunity to talk to other women, who, had Angel been here, I may not have spoken to. I had a chance to just be me, to love me, even though I was not feeling very lovable. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to meet with my 'new sponsor'. What an amazing little woman! She wanted to hear all about me, how I got to where I am today. She wanted to hear about my relapses, my childhood, my relationships...all of it.

We went for a walk along the Ottawa River. It was a beautiful, hot day, and we sat under a big tree in the shade and talked for hours. She asked me to read Step One aloud, and we talked about what it meant to us. She helped me to see things that I couldn't see for myself. She shared about her recovery, and parts of her life that brought her to where she is. She didn't judge me or take issue with any thing I said. She just listened and asked questions and shared the parts of her life that were relevant. I felt so free and loved, and so very grateful that I finally found the courage to ask her to be my 'new sponsor'. After we were finished she gave me a big hug and thanked ME! She told me that she felt like we had a good fit, and looked forward to working with me. What a wonderful gift to receive for my 1st AA birthday. I loved how she would make suggestions to me like " I don't want to tell you to call me everyday..." and of course I heard myself commit to do just that! WOW, me, getting better today...

Here is todays Daily Reflection, care to read it aloud with me?...

LETTING GO OF OUR OLD SELVES
Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free (wo)man at last... Are we now ready to let God remove from us all of the things which we have admitted are objectionable?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 75, 76

The Sixth Step is the last "preparation" Step. Although I have made no formal request of my Higher Power in the first Six Steps. I have identified my problem, came to believe that there is a solution, and have "cleaned house". I now ask: "Am I willing to live a life of sobriety, of change, to let go of my old self?" I must determine if I am truly ready to change. I review what I have done and become willing for God to remove all of my defects of character; for in the next Step, I will say to my creator I am willing and will ask for help. If I have been thorough in the preparation of my foundation and feel that I am willing to change, I am then ready to continue with the next Step. "If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76)

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I am clean and sober and willing to remain so
• my 'new sponsor' will kick my ass if she feels I need it
• Angel and I spoke at length last night- I think she is beginning to heal
• for all of the calm times after the storms
• to have everything I need and then some
• for all of the blessings I can see today
• for all of YOU

This is me- Happy, Joyous, and Free, anyone care to dance?

A PEACEFUL SUNDAY

AA Thought for the Day

By having quiet times each morning, we come to depend on God's help during the day, especially if we should be tempted to take a drink. And we can honestly thank Him each night for the strength He has given us. By listening to other members, by working with other alcoholics, by times of quiet meditation, our faith in God gradually becomes strong. Have I turned my drink problem entirely over to God, without reservations?

from 24 Hours a Day

I am noticing each day how much easier it is for me to keep turning it over. I was at a closed discussion meeting last week, a womens' meeting. We were reading and talking about Step one. It was a great meeting, one that I had joined in my quest to develop new and healthy relationships with women in recovery. There was really good and honest sharing going on, stuff I could certainly relate to. One woman shared how much work it was for her to feed her daily habit. As a mother with two children under the age of four, in the winter her quest for her DOC's would involve dressing two kids in their winter stuff, putting one child in a car seat , the other in a booster seat, driving to the liquor store, taking child A out of the booster seat, getting the stroller out for child B who had fallen asleep in the car, and putting child B into the stroller without waking him up! Going into the liquor store ( for less than five minutes) then doing every thing in reverse order to get back home again! Of course this was a daily routine, can you imagine the insanity of it all? I know you can!

There was another woman who I had seen get her two month chip, actually it was not that long ago. She shared about how she had been struggling lately and that she had planned to pick up a three month chip that evening, but something in the readings had caused an awakening of sorts within her. This woman had actually drank on one night and realized that even though she really wanted that three month chip, she hadn't reaaly earned it. At the end of the meeting she picked up another desire chip. I for one was very grateful that she had the courage to share about her slip and also to begin a new, honest program for herself. It showed all of us how important honesty is in the program.

A third woman , who I have seen at a few meetings, shared too. I am still trying to figure out how I felt about what she had to say. I know that when something 'sticks in my craw', it is because there is something about that person or situation, that I need to look at in myself. I am hoping by writing and sharing with you today I can figure out the lesson that is here for me to learn... This woman has been sober for just over three years (wow, amazing, I hope I will get there, I think to myself). She said how when she first entered the program she would tell everyone "I am an alcoholic!". As we all know, sometimes this information is probably better when kept to 'safe' people , as not all of the world is as accepting of us as we are! I kind of know what this is like though, in my first attempt at recovery, I told everyone, I think in part 'cause I needed somehow, to come to terms with my new identity. Today I share with some and not with others, it depends on the situation and who the person is.

This young woman had a lot of stuff going on in her life. She attends university, she has two jobs, she has a social life, you know a lot of balanced living stuff. I liked what she had and it appeared that she was working a good program. Then she said that she lived with her parents and had not told them that she was an alcoholic! OK, I am not judging (or am I?) but I just didn't get this! She said her parents were very conservative and that they just wouldn't understand how their daughter could be one of us. But then she said she thought maybe she hadn't told her parents because she felt shame by admitting she was an alcoholc. I guess I can kind of understand this, but I so don't feel that way today. The thing is, for me, if I were living with my parents I think I would feel dishonest in a way by not telling them what a big part AA was playing in my life.

When I shared I read the part of Step one that says "....first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by an allergy that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process..." So many parts of my alcoholic life were as insane as this. Like I kind of thought that nobody really knew how bad my drinking was, yeah OK!!! Everyone shows up at work with unexplainable bruises and black eyes! People at the liquor store knew my name and what I drank and even suggested new products that they thought I might enjoy! Who hasn't hit the ATM at two in the morning because they have run out of money and need more to buy more (drugs). INSANITY? I would say so!!! Oh and having my child removed from my care and continuing to drink everyday for months afterwards, if that doesn't reek of insanity then I don't know what insanity is!

For me, I don't always want to be honest, I mean if I was wrong about something I don't always want to say "I was wrong" or if I have hurt someone by my words or actions, I don't always want to admit it and ask how I could make amends. But my program teaches me to Be honest and to MAKE amends to all persons I have harmed, and if I am unwilling to do this I need to PRAY for willingness and guidance, and if I do not do these things, I know that I will drink again! Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn from this, to not be judgemental and just focus on what I need to do for me today. I shared that I am not proud necessarily to be an alcoholic, but I am definately NOT ashamed. I am so grateful that I have a program that teaches me how to live (a better and more honest life). There are a lot of 'earthlings' out there who would probably benefit greatly if they were lucky enough to be alcoholic, 'cause then they too would have a program to help fight off insanity! After the meeting a woman who had many years in the program came to me and thanked me for sharing, ME, she thanked ME! She said it was good to not be ashamed and also grateful to be an alcoholic.

It is a gorgeous and sunny day out today, and we are having a heat wave of OVER O degrees celcius (that would be 32 in farenheit, probably the only conversion I can make accurately!). I think I am going to wake my Angel up and go enjoy some fresh air and excersise. I plan to have a great day today and unless you've made other plans, I hope you too have a great day! Later all.