I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

HEY, REMEMBER ME?

Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

• for this gift of sobriety
• to have found a job I love
• that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
• for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
• to have everything I need and enough to share too
• I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
• to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

I'VE BEEN THINKING

So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.

JUST LOOKIN'

TodAAy I am just lookin' to see everything I can, if you want to see more, go here ...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/ , care to join me "seeing" what our HP wants for us todAAy? Here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Some of us, though tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

Twelve Steps and Twelve and Twelve Traditions pg.79

This step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper and the friends that I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable when I feel clean and light.

I can't even count the number of times I said that the only person I was hurting was me. In typical self centered form, I truly believed my own lies, it was easier at the time to hang onto resentments that allowed me to basically say "F*** them all anyways, my anger being the excuse to drink, and my justification for thinking that I wasn't hurting anyone! In the reading it mentions hurting our parents, and today I know I did that. I remember one time in particular after I had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way street. Thankfully, I had drank only one drink that night. Thankfully I sustained only an open head concussion that needed only eleven stitches. Unfortunately, my practically brand new Mustang was written off, with a year and a half of payments left on it. Upon leaving the hospital I had to stay with my parents because of the concussion. My mom cried when I got there saying "You could have been killed". My dad said I shouldn't have been driving that night due to the freezing rain. And all I could think of was poor me, I had lost my car! Insanity- yup! Did I drink and drive after that? You bet I did!

Today I am thankful/grateful for the following...

• to wake up clean and sober and have the choice to remain so
• I don't intentially hurt anyone
• if I do hurt some one, I can immediately make amends
• the love of my family and friends is something I cherish today
• to have everything I need today, and enough to share too
• the antics of my baby kitten as he explores and learns and grows
• every single day AAngel and I hug multiple times, and say we love each other
• I am not afraid to face my CAS worker when he shows up at our home for a visit (soon)
• I am a part of a very supportive and loving community of AA here, and in my 'real' life
• for you and you and your moms and dads who made you!

See ya soon...

LEARNING TO LIVE AND LET GO

I saw this quote at Capucine's place, in the comments box, it touched a chord within me...

"I believe in the sun when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when he is silent. " ~written on the wall of a concentration camp

One of the very best parts of recovery for me is the ability to have faith, no matter what happens around me. To feel love for others, and to know I too am loved, even when I feel angry or hurt or confused. The ability to see all of the miracles in my life, and to allow them to stay...I am feeling just so...mushy? I had such a great weekend! Yeah, I know, it started out kind of rough, but I also know there was a reason for that. Saturday, I had time to reflect on my life and Angels' life. I had the opportunity to talk to other women, who, had Angel been here, I may not have spoken to. I had a chance to just be me, to love me, even though I was not feeling very lovable. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to meet with my 'new sponsor'. What an amazing little woman! She wanted to hear all about me, how I got to where I am today. She wanted to hear about my relapses, my childhood, my relationships...all of it.

We went for a walk along the Ottawa River. It was a beautiful, hot day, and we sat under a big tree in the shade and talked for hours. She asked me to read Step One aloud, and we talked about what it meant to us. She helped me to see things that I couldn't see for myself. She shared about her recovery, and parts of her life that brought her to where she is. She didn't judge me or take issue with any thing I said. She just listened and asked questions and shared the parts of her life that were relevant. I felt so free and loved, and so very grateful that I finally found the courage to ask her to be my 'new sponsor'. After we were finished she gave me a big hug and thanked ME! She told me that she felt like we had a good fit, and looked forward to working with me. What a wonderful gift to receive for my 1st AA birthday. I loved how she would make suggestions to me like " I don't want to tell you to call me everyday..." and of course I heard myself commit to do just that! WOW, me, getting better today...

Here is todays Daily Reflection, care to read it aloud with me?...

LETTING GO OF OUR OLD SELVES
Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free (wo)man at last... Are we now ready to let God remove from us all of the things which we have admitted are objectionable?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 75, 76

The Sixth Step is the last "preparation" Step. Although I have made no formal request of my Higher Power in the first Six Steps. I have identified my problem, came to believe that there is a solution, and have "cleaned house". I now ask: "Am I willing to live a life of sobriety, of change, to let go of my old self?" I must determine if I am truly ready to change. I review what I have done and become willing for God to remove all of my defects of character; for in the next Step, I will say to my creator I am willing and will ask for help. If I have been thorough in the preparation of my foundation and feel that I am willing to change, I am then ready to continue with the next Step. "If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76)

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I am clean and sober and willing to remain so
• my 'new sponsor' will kick my ass if she feels I need it
• Angel and I spoke at length last night- I think she is beginning to heal
• for all of the calm times after the storms
• to have everything I need and then some
• for all of the blessings I can see today
• for all of YOU

This is me- Happy, Joyous, and Free, anyone care to dance?

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?

This is a picture of me a year and a day old...how do ya like me now? And here is todays Daily Reflection...

... we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensible.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76

Steps Four and Five were difficult, but worthwhile. Now I was stuck on Step Six and, in despair, I picked up the Big Book and read this passage. I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of how a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on its own power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness to pray the Seventh Step prayer.

It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help! Because I am, of myself, nothing. I ask God to grant me knowledge of His will, and the power and courage to carry it out- today.

Yesterday, I was determined to begin the next phase of my recovery in a new way. Instead of staying stuck in the hurt from my fight with Angel, I chose to enjoy my day, and that included some elements of self-care, where before there would have been self-destruction. I had some breakfast, read my prayers and meditations, and did some blog-stalking. Then I picked up the phone. I called the woman who had spoken on Friday night, we had a very good conversation about learning to let go of control of our children. I asked her how long it took for her own daughter to forgive her for all of the alcoholic behaviours, she said about two years! It had been a painful journey for both of them, but in the end, it all worked out. The second call came to me. It was my new sponsor (yes I'll probably keep calling her my 'new sponsor' , even after twenty years!). She was calling to see how I was. Again we talked about letting go of children- is there a message here? We are getting together to read and discuss Step one, this is appropriate for me I think, because if I stay focused on today, I may just make it this time! The third call was to a very good friend. An amazing young woman of thirty, who is about to celebrate 16 years of clean and sober living. She really has been my 'bestest friend' ever since I met her. At my first meeting back, she was the speaker, I was in awe, I wanted what she had, and thankfully, we became friends.

I spent the afternoon watching my Jays kick butt against Chicago- YAY! I puttered in my garden, showered and then went for a bike ride. I chose not to call Angel, just to let the dust settle. when I got back from my ride, there was a message from Angel, apologizing for her behaviour and asking me to forgive her. She said "if you're not too mad at me...". I cried. I don't think she knows how very much I truly love her, even when I'm angry. And the truth is, that I wasn't really angry at all, I was just feeling overwhelmed and questioning my ability to be a good mother. When she acts out and expresses anger like she did, I know it is because she feels safe enough to do that, I just want for her to not have to hurt herself or me or anyone else in the process.... We will talk later today, I will remind her that I love her no matter what, and apologize for hurting her. I will ask her what she needs from me. That, for today is all I can do.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I don't have a hangover from celebrating my first birthday
• I didn't feel the need to hurt me or anyone else yesterday
• I have everything I need, and then some
• there are many people in my life today who love and trust me
• there are many people in my life today who I love and trust
• today can be any kind of day I choose it to be
• I am 366 days sober, and ready to keep learning and growing
• that I received about 15 e-mails yesterday to congratulate me on my anniversary- they were all people I had never met or 'spoken' to before!
• today, I feel "Happy, Joyous and Free"
• for every single one of YOU- loving me, sharing with me, and accepting me
  

HEY.... WHERE'D THE WEEK GO?

In usual Lushgurl form, I have managed to sleep away, the week so far! I am not about to beat myself up for it this time though, ya see, things are still getting better in my world! I did manage to make some phone calls earlier in the week. I am caught up on most of my housework, and I have been out to take some pics of my growing garden, so all in all, the whole week was not lost. In case anybody hasn't noticed this about me, I hafta figure out why I do the things I do. I've always been kind of analytical like that. So I do know that part of the reason for my sleep fest is that it has been raining all week so far. I think another reason I've been sleeping is that we are fast approaching my one year anniversary, and in my determination to get there, I want to not leave any room for F-ups! I have been known to be the Queen of Sabotage in the past, so I figure " How much trouble can I actually get into if I'm sleeping! " Today is back to life day though. Thankfully, I see my therapist, later today and I have my relapse prevention group tonight, and after that, I have a date with my mom! Busy, busy, busy!

In today's Daily Reflection's it talks about forgiveness, and I am constantly amazed to find that I have been able to forgive myself, as well as many other people for being human, making mistakes. That is one of the gifts that this program has given me today...

Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisors that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.

What a great feeling forgiveness is! What a revelation about my emotional, psychological and spiritual nature. All it takes is willingness to forgive; God will do the rest.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• that I am clean and sober today
• all of the rain that has brought new blooms to my garden
• tomorrow will be my first official HNT post
• I have been able to forgive my mom, and become friends with her today
• this week I have gotten lots of 'beauty sleep', so I should be OK to face the world!
• my Angel trimmed my hair on the weekend- it felt great to lose some dead ends
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• all of my sober blogging buddies- that means YOU
• my HP decided to wake me up today

I will see you all half naked tomorrow! Bye for now!!

LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

In today's Daily Refflection's it talks about two things that cannot live together in the same heart...

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there". I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is " the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear". Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realilze that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so. I think for me it started with the news of more Canadians killed in Afghanistan, then the controversy surrounding Don Imus and his racial slurs against the young womens' basketball team, and more recently the tragic shooting that took place in the Virginia college. All of these things have been fighting to shake my belief in a loving God, as I understand Him. For most of my life I had the belief that God "would get me" if I was 'bad', and it seemed that I was bad more than I was good. My cousins, who were Catholic used to tell me that not only would I go to Hell because I hadn't been baptized, but I was ripe for the picking of the devil because of this. So I lived in constant, excruciating fear. At night I would pray to God to save me, I didn't want to go to Hell, I knew I was already there. When I was molested I was told, in not so many words that "I was Bad", it was my fault, so I figured that I would surely burn in everlasting damnation if I were to take my own life, which is what I really wanted to do.

I think, as a little gurl, the fact that my mom had taken me to Sunday school saved my butt on many an occasion. The stories I heard there were stories of hope and miracles. It was a loving God who gave His son to pay for the sins of man. At night, I would pray to this God to make my life more bearable, I didn't know if He heard me, but it made me feel better just having the hope that Someone was there to hear my pleas. Somehow, deep down inside I believed that my life would get better. I never knew how or when, just that the hope of better things ahead, carried me through the toughest times in life. A therapist once told me that "there is not room, in the same heart, for hope and fear". Today I am reminded of this in my daily readings and also when I hear of all the tragedies in the world around us.

I know in my heart that I cannot do anything to change you, your beliefs, or your actions. Yes I am powerless over any and all things that are not me. I do believe, however that if I can 'keep my side of the street clean', that maybe my neighbor will be motivated to do the same. If I always treat you with love and respect, then perhaps you will pass this along to the people you come in contact with in your day. If I never give up on doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do, I have to believe that my life will not be lived in vain. So today I pray for all people who live in fear, that they may find the peace that hope that a loving God can bring. I pray that those who are hurting will know that they will experience freedom fom pain one day. I pray that I can remain clean and sober so that I can share my hope and joy with others' who may have lost theirs today.... I wish you all peace and joy and love today.

A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!

REAL INDEPENDANCE

Today's Daily Reflections...

The more we become willing to depend on a Higher Power, the more independant we actually are.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.36

I start with a little willingness to trust God and He causes that willingness to grow. The more willingness I have, the more trust I gain, the more willingness I have. My dependance on God grows as my trust in Him grows. Before I became willing , I depended on myself for all my needs and I was restricted by my incompleteness. Through my willingness to depend upon my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, all my needs are provided for by Someone Who knows me better than I know myself- even the needs I may not realize, as well as the ones yet to come. Only Someone Who knows me that well could bring me to be myself and to help me fill the need to somone else that only I am meant to fill. There never will be another exactly like me. And that is real independance.

TodAAy I am thAAnkful and grAAteful for the following...

* that He did break the mold after He made me!

* for all my (sober) blogging friends who share their experience, strength and hope with me .

* for all my (other) blogging friends who show me that 'earthlings' can be cool too .

* After FIVE WHOLE DAYS TOGETHER there was no blood shed between Angel and me !!!

* I am clean and sober todAAY.

* I am learning to put new stuff on my Blog without deleting the whole thing !

* Through learning to love myself more I am also learning to be more kind, respectful and loving to others.

* No matter where I go, there I am!

* I have willingness todAAY.

Keep coming back...TTFN