A WEEKEND WITHOUT DEVILTEEN

After much discussion back and forth (read negotiating, arguing et al.) WE decided to have a separate weekend from each other. At first I was a little hurt that she actually chose not to see the mommy, that was quickly followed by anger -WHAT DO YA MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE MOMMY?, and quickly followed by Whew! she doesn't want to see the mommy!!! It's just been a kind of rough week for me is all. I am trying really hard to do what is right for me. Along with every self-caring decision that I make I am barraged by the 'shitty committe' in my head who tell me "ooooh don't do that you might feel better, we all know that you, evil person. do not deserve to feel good". Of course there is the dreaded G-files in there too "What kind of a mother are you, not wanting your child with you on the weekend?" As if this all wasn't enough the sleeping addict has these words of wisdom for me "HEY... if SHE"S not here you could go and use, no one would know, it'll be our little secret, just one time, that would be ok..." Do any of you out there still wonder WHY I am a little, shall we say...F...D UP at times?!!!

Yup, ther is never a dull moment inside of Lushgurls head! I guess I may always have to fight the inner demons that reside in my head, but some days are better ( worse) than others. On Friday night I attend my home group of AA, but Friday Devilteen and me had a fight. I called a very wise friend who talked me through and kept me awake so I couldn't sleep through the sadness (bad bad friend!) . But alas, she also was dumping me for the night, how dare her and the spawn have colds and not feel well? I had planned to go to my meeting all by self, so I made something to eat that actually involved cooking ( kind of, it was a bagel with creme cheese and cinnamon), but then I still had a couple of hours to myself so I decided to have just a short nap....At eight p.m. I woke up, coincidence? we think not!! I COULD have gone to my meeting, after all they WOULD have started without me as I am NOT that important. But NOOO not me I chose to stay home (and the shitty committee scores a hit).

Just after nine the phone rings...it seems the Maven and her Spawn had miraculous recoveries and she went to the meeting with a coffee for yours truly, who was snoring away on her couch. The indignity of it all!! Not only did I miss my meeting, but I also missed my friend and her baby and more importantly the free coffee that I would have been given...Two points for the shitty committee! It seems that in my world, when I indulge in the poor me's I am in bad company. The potentially free coffee was the last straw though as I didn't have any milk here to make my own, and to add insult to injury, the coffee was given away to someone else who WAS at the meeting! If only I had known what I didn't know...

Well Saturday morning I was up early and decided to give Devilteen another chance at visiting. We spoke at ten and she said she would call back, but yes she wanted to come... At 2:30 I still hadn't heard anything so I called her, of course she wasn't there and according to the staff at the house, Devilteen had decided NOT to come after all. So wait by the phone I did once again. At 5:00 she finally had the nerve to call me and said she would still come if I still wanted her to... AAARRRGGGHHH..... We talked, and finally Devilteen admitted that she really didn't want to come but didn't want to hurt my feelings so... I told her that she needed to trust me enough to be honest with me. It was ok if she didn't come for the weekend, it was not ok to assume that I would just BE here waiting for her phone call and any decision that she would make. My feelings are not her responsibility and if I am sad or angry or whatever, I will deal with it. I would rather have Devilteen be honest with me than come 'cause she feels guilty. Score one point for the Mommy!!!! Saturday evening was other wise uneventful. I got to bed at a reasonable hour and had a good sleep.

I spent the rest of Saturday stalking Blogs! I found some really great pages written by drunks like me and stopped by several to leave my two cents worth. Ya never know, I might even find a friend or two in my travels. It was kind of nice to have the place to myself. I finished the laundry I had started a couple of days ago, I read lots of stuff by other AA's, so it was almost like a meeting, and the house stayed tidy when I cleaned it. Score another point for the Mommy!!

Well here I am on Sunday, someone told me the other day that the world was my oyster ( hand movement here depicting said oyster ), so I guess my goal for today is to find my pearls! It is kind of strange to think that I can do whatever I want and not have to account to anyone. NO inner addict, that does NOT include using HA TAKE THAT and score another point for the Mommy while we are at it... I'm not sure what I will do with self today but I will be back to let you know (no, that is not a threat, it is a promise) so until I have more to say...Bye for now...

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR...PARTE DEUX!

Yes my Maven it IS all about you, I just didn't have time to finish my post before you left that sno, I mean sarcastic message on the last one...

In the last eight months or so, my ego has been wounded again and again. Sometimes without the offenders meaning to and others' blatantly by insulting me. The following non-sensical post will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
A) I am an alcoholic and my life has become unmanageable...
B) My ego is often bigger than my brain...
C) Those unfortunates who choose to call me friend are more f-ed up than I am...
D) There are actually moments that I am needed!!!

The day before yesterday I was up around 7:00, this is clearly NOT o.k. with me as it gives me more time to reflect on the sad, sad state of my so-called-life. A friend had called me to go and visit, which was all good on paper, but said friend whom I love dearly, has many gremlins, whom I also love dearly. She also has two cats, a dog, and a husband (see earlier mention for the love thing!). The point is that I enjoy going to visit, there is never a lack of excitement (read stress) at her castle, however, being the (part-time) mom of one child with no husband, I often find it just a tad overwhelming to play at her place. In true Lushgurl form though I agreed to the visit provide I could grab a quick nap first... I knew I would need the energy to survi...I mean fully enjoy the experience!

At 2:00 I was rudely awakened from a dream I was having where Brad and George were fighting to see who would win my heart. It was a beautiful dream and so close to my real life that I wanted to see it through to the end! Yes and in this dream I had a beautiful teenaged daughter who loved me so much thay she didn't date or take off wit da g-friends on Saturday nights. She voluntarily did all of her homework, kept her room tidy and washed dishes without being asked! Oh and I was a long-legged natural blond with perfect-perky breasts!!! So the phone rang and the Maven said "Are you still sleeping?, I guess we'll have to post pone our visit because we really won't have time now..." HMMMPPHHH Interrupted from my fantasy to do what? Nothing! So I went back to sleep for a couple more hours after I had eaten much chocolate, to ensure that my winter store of fat does not diminish leaving me vulnerable to the cold and stuff!!

Wednesday morning I was up early too, but not as early as Tuesday. I received another phone call from a friend. This friend though, I wasn't quite sure I recognized. She was feeling overwhelmed with her life and the long list of chores that faced her each and every morning and this child of hers who is , shall we say, quite spirited, and a pretty newly arrived baby, and 'what was that?' It almost sounded for a brief moment there that she may have been intending to ask for help? Naw this couldn't be the Maven... she can do it all... Super-mom (with saintly patience) , Super- wife ( hot in bed and understanding of her man's whimsical mid-life I think I'll go back to school fantasies), Super-friend (with many loyal followers to vie for her attentions). Nope , didn't sound like the Maven that I prayed to nightly and strived to be more like in my daily life! So I ignored the whining poor mes that I heard faintly over the phone and said, let me get dressed, then you can come get me and we'll go play in your castle for the day...

LUSHGURL to the rescue. You see I, myself, have not been feeling that great about some of my life's work of late. I had just received word that my inconsiderate Devilteen might not want to return to this 'ghetto hole that I call home'. I haven't yet had the confidence or the motivation to look for a job, and no one, not even the guest of honour showed up at my monthly pity-party! As further proof of how much I suck, the partying goes on and the local watering holes that I used to frequent, the liquor store did not claim bankruptcy after I stopped shopping there and I can't redeem retroactive Air miles for the years I drank before I got my Air miles card!

THEY say, in the program that service to others is a crucial part of our recovery after we have managed to get and stay, clean and sober. Nobody told me that BEFORE I joined the program! It seems that the best way to stay healthy is to give back a little of what we have been so freely given. We even recite a little thing where we pledge to be there for another suffering alcoholic (must have been in the fine printing that no one ever bothers to read). Well, I guess that since people have been there for me I could be there for them. Of course it took a little convincing on my part as my friend often has difficulty accepting help, I've had to beat on her a couple of times just to open the door for her... I know, I know, even with the spawnling in a car seat, the diaper bag over your shoulder, bags of shopping items and a tray containing Timmy's coffees, you are quite capable of opening a stupid door...

While I was getting ready for this experiment of human cruelty, I made a decision. YES ME, ALL BY SELF, I made a decision to tidy up the castle at least a little) to cook dinner ( including dessert) and just kinda BE there for my friend who needed a little cheering up. Of course I only did it so that I could brag on my Blog about how great I am. Purely selfish motive I swear! The thing is after a really good and busy day, I just really wanted to go home and eat chocolate but that was not to be. As punishment for my selfless generousity, I was bought a coffee and brought to an AA meeting! THE NERVE! So here we are on a Thursday morning and I receive the morning phone call from a cheerful not-so-stressed friend to thank me! No,no, thank YOU. I feel better now. I've cleaned out the bird's cage , swept and mooped my kitchen floor, sorted laundry which is now ready to wash and even had time to Blog. See what goes around comes around. I don't think her children died from food poisoning, I feel better, she feels better, and hey, maybe someday in the not so distant future we can do this all over again. Thank you again for making my day my friend...Love ya lots (and before I go, thanks to the spawn who never ceases to bring a joy to my heart, a smile to my face, and barf to my clothing LOL)

I BROKE MY ARM PATTING MY BACK!

I was so proud of the hard work that I had done fixing up my Blog, and so busy patting myself on the back, that I hadn't checked to see if everything was working. That's what happens when I try to run the show! My Higher Power usually steps in with His irony and says "You think you're all that and a bag of BBQ ruffles do you? Well watch this!" Yes My GUY has a sense of humour all right!... Just sometimes I wish it wasn't at MY expense! It seems that although I think my Blog looks beautiful, my links aren't all working... typical in my life, It looks good on the outside, but you go a little deeper only to find the flaws. BOO HOOO...I suck at Blog-making! Never fear my friends as I have enlisted the help of a near-perfect Blogger to fix what's wrong (with my Blog). I hope she doesn't catch on to the near-perfect Blogger comment, she might tell me to DIY!!!

I don't have much time to write, I have an appointment at one... don't worry I have lots to tell you, and maybe by the time I add to my post the magical Blog fairy will have visited and fixed stuff, or maybe not, but in any case, I will be back...

That was quick huh? It is about four p.m. now , I got back a while ago and proceeded to read/comment on my blog-fixes, then go to mine to check on it...To my dismay the Magical Blog Fairies I alluded to earlier have not yet fixed my Blog links! Oh well guys, you'll just have to stay and read my ramblings... Speaking of which...

Is it just me, or does the following seem somehow wrong... First a brief history lesson, for those of you who don't know. Almost two years ago my Devilteen was removed from my care as I was caught up in a drug/alcohol addiction. She was in a foster home for a while and then was moved to a group home. Of course she hated it, and it broke my heart to not have her with me, but not enough to get clean (that took some time on my part). Eventually I was able to kick the demons out of my life and am now on the road to recovery, the thing is, I had to do it for ME, not Devilteen. At first all I could think of was getting her back (home), but as anyone in recovery can attest to, we have to find it in ourselves to get clean for US, or it all will be for naught.

I fought with Children's Aid, I lied to everyone that I had quit using, all the while thinking my outrage was justified, anyone who knew me also knew how much I loved my daughter... I gathered soldiers to fight on MY team. " Devilteen should be with you" they would tell me! "Children's Aid sucks the big hairy one" and of course " Everyone smokes dope and drinks, what's the big deal?" The BIG DEAL was that I am an alcoholic. I had been clean and sober for quite some time and then Devilchild became a teenager! As a single mom with one or two issues (LOL) I found it hard to cope with the new and improved Devilchild. I had taught her all her life that it was o.k. to say NO! to adults--- I guess she didn't get the unspoken part that was ---But NOT to your mother!!! We engaged in many a battle during those early years.... 'Going to school IS NOT optional unless you are bleeding to death or otherwise incapacitated. NO you cannot wear the Hoochie top to school, it is not in the dress code! You may not stay out until 10:00 at night just because your friends are doing it, and on and on.

The more I tried to set limits, the more she fought back. It got worse until I started not fighting with her to make her come home after school and chasing her down every single night. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in my heart I had given up, being a mom was hard work, and when the child has a strong personality and the mom lacks self-esteem....It was disasterous for everyone. So I did what every alcoholic does best, I started drinking again (for you earthlings this probably seems like pouring gas on a fire, but in my mind at the time, it made perfect sense). I didn't actually start with alcohol, first it was a little 'herb' here and there to calm me down, that way when Devilteen decided to come home for the night I wouldn't feel the need to scream at her or kill her and bury her in the garden! The weed eventually led me to alcohol, at first just a drink here and there, because I deserved to 'have a life' too. The child was out who knew where and I was not going to sit at home waiting for her, so I started partying with some friends(?). I know it's all good in theory, but the point is an alcoholic can NEVER safely drink.

In October of '04 I had started a new job, I loved it and was very good at it, but it was working in a bar, the job was not bar-work, but the Deli I worked in WAS in a bar... it wasn't a classy bar either. It was the kind of place that had been around for years, don't get me wrong, there were alot of great people there, but also some , shall I say, questionable types. I of course found myself drawn to the more questionable, like the ones who had cocaine and the ones who did smoke dope and very quickly found myself back in a life that I had worked so hard to crawl out of. To the detriment of my own self, but more so to the detriment of my beautiful daughter who had always been the priority in my life. And so the CAS was called and they took away my child and I didn't want to live anymore , but I could live without her as long as I had my booze and drugs, not a fair trade I know, but again at the time it made sense to me.

By March of '06 I was starting to realize that if I ever wanted to have my child live with me again, I would have to quit doing what I was doing. For me that included leaving the job that I loved so much because it just wasn't a good place for me to work. I tried to quit drinking and smoking, but it was just too much for me to fight on my own. Eventually I made a call which would help to save my life, I went to an intensive treatment program for drugs and alcohol. I finally got clean and sober on June 2 , 2006, and have been since then. So the unfairness of life is that...Devilteen could have come home at Christmas but wanted to finish out her school year where she was ( a town about an hour away from where I live). Of course I supported this decision, it did hurt but who wants to change schools in the middle of a school year? Way to go mommy!! I actually put my childs needs ahead of MY wants.

WE (being CAS, Devilteen and myself) decided that after school ended we could begin the re-integration process, that would mean that Devilteen could be 'home' by June or so. I could do that. I would be sober a year by that time. I could have a new job by then. We could both deal with the problems my relapse had caused and be on the road to healing by June. Yup, life was good after over two years of living apart my 'baby' was coming home.... Well I've asked this question before "What happens when an alcoholic makes plans?" You guessed it! Devilteen has other plans, of course, she IS the child of an alcoholic after all!!!

It would seem that in all of her not-yet-sixteen-wisdom that she may not WANT to come back home....WHAT??? Yes indeedy, there is such a thing as assisted living for children who have been in CAS care and are sixteen and over. A wonderful plan really- FOR ANYONE ELSE'S KID!!! But really, they set the child up in a rented place ,not really their own place, but more independance than in a group home. They give each child money for food and clothing, pay their rent, and if the child wants to, they will even pay for college. WHO MADE THIS PLAN UP??? I guess to a teenager this would seem like heaven on earth, no parents to account to, or tell them to do their (nasty) homework, no one to tell them what time to go to bed or what boy to not date. Yup, to an almost sixteen year old -um let's see go back to moms and moms rules and moms nagging OR go out on MY OWN with someone else paying the bills and No One to tell me to clean my room , tough choice, but sorry mom You Suck, and I'm practically grown now and....

OOOOFFFF, that my friends, is the sound of her fist hitting my gut! Devilteen dropped the wonderful little bomb on me at the beginning of this past weekend, she couldn't wait until the end of the weekend! Of course nothing has been decided for sure, she is just thinking about her options at this point...WHO THE HELL TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD CHOICES? Oh yeah, that would be ME. The woman who suffered through thirty hours of labour to deliver the child who didn't want to be born! She ended up being born by C-sec, 'cause she just wouldn't get out!!! I've gotten clean and sober (read for you), I am much better as a person (and a mother). Heck, I even totally re-decorated your bedroom in hot pink and black for you, and you might not WANT to come home?

I have been passing back and forth between deep sadness and anger and a bit of 'well, the NERVE of her!' I can't in all good conscience MAKE her come back, that would kind of defeat the purpose of teaching her to do what is right for her. I can't trade her in for a more compliant child ( the warranty has long since expired) , I can't kill her and bury her in the garden-the ground is still frozen... So I guess I have to accept whatever decision Devilteen makes and *GULP* be supportive of her. Boy it really sucks to be me sometimes! I will, of course, update you as more information becomes available. I may just have to make the best of it. I may just have to actually GET a new life including a new job and apartment . I may just have to survive the assault on my ego and move on. What a concept...acceptance of something I can not change! Well now that you are all caught up , I think I'll go have supper, I'm starving, and I actually don't feel like stuffing my face with chocolate ( will wonders never cease) See y'all later!!! ]

Before I forget...Yesterday was 15 months since I quit using cocaine...YAY ME!!!