HAVING A WEEK!

Gee, I've been having quite a week! I have hardly posted, I haven't stalked to hardly any one in blogville, and I haven't been to a meeting or called my sponsor...hmmm, I wonder if there is a connection there? LOL After not speaking with AAngel since she left here, I finally called her today. All week I have been hearing her parting words to me in my head, like a record with a nasty scratch on it..."Shut the F*** up, Bitch". Yup, that's what she said! So why didn't I get off my ass and turn the record off, or call someone for a reality check, or get my big butt to a meeting to share about all of the feelings that this last fight has brought up in me? I dunno, I'm still trying to sort that out. I do know that when I called her today, AAngel didn't even bother to apologize. She said I wouldn't have accepted it anyways. And she is partly right. Of all of the hurtful things I have said and done to her, I have not called her a bitch or treated her with the kind of disrespect that I have had to deal with lately.

I get that she's a teenager, but isn't respect something that I deserve? She says that the times are different now (meaning that I am reeeeeaaally old) and that kids just don't respect their parents the way they did in the 'old' days! I guess when I said I would never dream of speaking to my mom the way AAngel speaks to me, it was a mistake. But no matter how angry I ever was with my parents, I still wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful. And of course her words hurt, 'cause after all this is the child that I gave birth to. I've been barfed on, and changed poopy diapers and stayed up with her all night when she was sick. I've held her when she cried 'cause she had a fight with her best friend. I've made crafts for and with her. I have always kissed her good night and told her that I loved her. And WAAAAAH , poor me! OK. I think I'm done venting for now, but I may have to continue later LOL. AAngel did not come for a visit today as I suggested that if she still had a bad attitude I would prefer her not to come! I am off to my meeting tonight, check in with all later!

...Well, I'm back, did ya miss me? Sorry ;bout that, just thought I'd mess with ya a little bit, after all you are still here reading this and I, on the other hand have gone to a meeting, visited with a friend and now am back at home! I hafta admit I do feel much better now that I've had an AA fix. I got lots of hugs (which I really needed), and also some validation for all of the yucky feelings that I have been wallowing in this week. So back to the business of recovery1 Today I am grateful for the following...

• to still be clean and sober after a kind of rough week
• to have heard a man speak tonight who has meant so much to me this past year, actually the man who gave me my medallion at my b-day
• my friend , the Maven, who took me to her place after the meeting, when I said I just wanted to come home and eat chocolate!
• all of the opportunities I have been given to change ME esp. when I'm dealing with a devilteen!
• I can be happy for the good things that happen to other people today
• even though stuff still bothers me, now I have the tools to let things go, instead of letting them fester
• to have everything I need today and then some
• for all of the fresh veggies I have eaten this week
• for chocolate- I still say it's better than sex!!
• for each and every one of Y-O-U....love and HUGS to all

SELF PITY, HUMILITY AND LOVE

I have been feeling out of sorts lately, as I have shared and in today's blog-stalking, I have read some beautiful posts that have got me to thinking... visit here : http://www.stayingstraightedge.co.uk/
to see how I started my day! I think now is a good time for me to do my Daily Reflection's reading...

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects I know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
As Bill Sees It pg.238

This false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like any drug, that I take an ever bigger dose. If I succumb to this it would lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antedote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first,toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lesson my own exaggerated suffering.

I feel almost like I have been grieving, but not sure what it is that I am missing. I know if I can remain calm and focus on all of the beauty in my life, then this icky feeling will pass... So again I am going to be grateful for the following:

• that I am clean and sober today
• even though it is Friday the 13th, I am not afraid
• I am able to cry for the pain of others'
• I am able to cry tears of joy
• that I feel love in my life today
• I ate something for breakfast
• although MY boys lost last night, it is only the beginning of the season
• my garden is still growing strong, despite the snowfall we have had
• my Angel is coming for the weekend
• I will get to speak to a new blogging friend on the phone this weekend
• my home group meets tonight and I have volunteered to be a greeter
• all of my beautiful blogger buddies who come to visit me at my place!

Well that's all I have for now, enjoy your today...I'll stalk to ya later!

A WEEKEND WITHOUT DEVILTEEN

After much discussion back and forth (read negotiating, arguing et al.) WE decided to have a separate weekend from each other. At first I was a little hurt that she actually chose not to see the mommy, that was quickly followed by anger -WHAT DO YA MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE MOMMY?, and quickly followed by Whew! she doesn't want to see the mommy!!! It's just been a kind of rough week for me is all. I am trying really hard to do what is right for me. Along with every self-caring decision that I make I am barraged by the 'shitty committe' in my head who tell me "ooooh don't do that you might feel better, we all know that you, evil person. do not deserve to feel good". Of course there is the dreaded G-files in there too "What kind of a mother are you, not wanting your child with you on the weekend?" As if this all wasn't enough the sleeping addict has these words of wisdom for me "HEY... if SHE"S not here you could go and use, no one would know, it'll be our little secret, just one time, that would be ok..." Do any of you out there still wonder WHY I am a little, shall we say...F...D UP at times?!!!

Yup, ther is never a dull moment inside of Lushgurls head! I guess I may always have to fight the inner demons that reside in my head, but some days are better ( worse) than others. On Friday night I attend my home group of AA, but Friday Devilteen and me had a fight. I called a very wise friend who talked me through and kept me awake so I couldn't sleep through the sadness (bad bad friend!) . But alas, she also was dumping me for the night, how dare her and the spawn have colds and not feel well? I had planned to go to my meeting all by self, so I made something to eat that actually involved cooking ( kind of, it was a bagel with creme cheese and cinnamon), but then I still had a couple of hours to myself so I decided to have just a short nap....At eight p.m. I woke up, coincidence? we think not!! I COULD have gone to my meeting, after all they WOULD have started without me as I am NOT that important. But NOOO not me I chose to stay home (and the shitty committee scores a hit).

Just after nine the phone rings...it seems the Maven and her Spawn had miraculous recoveries and she went to the meeting with a coffee for yours truly, who was snoring away on her couch. The indignity of it all!! Not only did I miss my meeting, but I also missed my friend and her baby and more importantly the free coffee that I would have been given...Two points for the shitty committee! It seems that in my world, when I indulge in the poor me's I am in bad company. The potentially free coffee was the last straw though as I didn't have any milk here to make my own, and to add insult to injury, the coffee was given away to someone else who WAS at the meeting! If only I had known what I didn't know...

Well Saturday morning I was up early and decided to give Devilteen another chance at visiting. We spoke at ten and she said she would call back, but yes she wanted to come... At 2:30 I still hadn't heard anything so I called her, of course she wasn't there and according to the staff at the house, Devilteen had decided NOT to come after all. So wait by the phone I did once again. At 5:00 she finally had the nerve to call me and said she would still come if I still wanted her to... AAARRRGGGHHH..... We talked, and finally Devilteen admitted that she really didn't want to come but didn't want to hurt my feelings so... I told her that she needed to trust me enough to be honest with me. It was ok if she didn't come for the weekend, it was not ok to assume that I would just BE here waiting for her phone call and any decision that she would make. My feelings are not her responsibility and if I am sad or angry or whatever, I will deal with it. I would rather have Devilteen be honest with me than come 'cause she feels guilty. Score one point for the Mommy!!!! Saturday evening was other wise uneventful. I got to bed at a reasonable hour and had a good sleep.

I spent the rest of Saturday stalking Blogs! I found some really great pages written by drunks like me and stopped by several to leave my two cents worth. Ya never know, I might even find a friend or two in my travels. It was kind of nice to have the place to myself. I finished the laundry I had started a couple of days ago, I read lots of stuff by other AA's, so it was almost like a meeting, and the house stayed tidy when I cleaned it. Score another point for the Mommy!!

Well here I am on Sunday, someone told me the other day that the world was my oyster ( hand movement here depicting said oyster ), so I guess my goal for today is to find my pearls! It is kind of strange to think that I can do whatever I want and not have to account to anyone. NO inner addict, that does NOT include using HA TAKE THAT and score another point for the Mommy while we are at it... I'm not sure what I will do with self today but I will be back to let you know (no, that is not a threat, it is a promise) so until I have more to say...Bye for now...