HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH...

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to have some choices to make
• to be clean and sober despite my own will
• that I really do know the next right thing to do
• that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
• that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
• that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
• to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
• I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
• some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
• I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

WALKING DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET

Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

• to be clean and sober
• to not have as much insanity in my life
• the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
• laughter
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
• I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
• my garden is still blooming
• having my AAngel/devilteen home
• my HP loves me no matter what
• my HP forgives my mistakes
• for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here http://krista-wine-o.blogspot.com/

MY BABY IS GROWING UP

I cannot believe that this week my little AAngel will be sixteen! I honestly don't know where the time has gone! I often look at pictures of her when she was a baby, and really, she pretty much looks the same, only bigger. I so loved being pregnant, and I was sober at the time, so I remember very well all of the changes going on within my body. For me it was a feeling of true joy and wonder, to actually know that there was a life growing inside me. I remember the first ultra sound, and seeing the little heartbeat, and crying tears of joy and gratitude that for whatever reason God had chosen me to be the mother of this little miracle. It really was a spiritual journey. Even now, when I see a pregnant woman , I feel overcome by the emotions. I also think often of how AAngel looked when she was born, clearly this child had been on this earth before! She came out looking perfect (due to a c-sec), but it was more than that. She had the look on her face as if she recognized stuff, a knowing and very wise look. You know how some babies come out screaming with their hair standing up on end, angry to see the lights and hear the sounds of life? It's like they're saying "I wanna go back in, I don't like it here!". There was none of that with AAngel, her perfect little face surveyed her new surroundings, and her cry was low but demanding, like she just knew everything would be OK, and all of her desires would be met. Without any reservations or hesitation, I can honestly say that the day she was born is, and forever will be, the very best day of my entire life. So this post is dedicated to my beautiful AAngel...

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, on this day sixteen years ago, my AAngel was preparing to be born- yes, I was in labour for 30 hours before she finally decided to make her appearance!...

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 20

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn't do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn't they deserve them? I was filled with self-pity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.

Today I am eternally grateful and thankful for the following...

• that AAngel chose me to be her mother
• to be able to embrace motherhood, even with all of the trials and tribulations
• that being a mom has taught me so much about my mother
• that being a mom has taught me so much about me
• that all in all, I truly love the person that my daughter is becoming
• I am sober and fully present in my daughter's life today
• God has given me everything I need today, and then some
• for the opportunity to help my AAngel be the best she can be at whatever she chooses
• for each one of you
• today is our friend MC's 23rd AA birthday- drop by and give her some lovin' huh!

NOT MUCH NEW

Here are a couple more garden pics, the first is a new delphiniu ms and the second, my garden angel surrounded by ground cover, wait until you see it bloom, the ground cover I mean...

...And if you can believe this, I have not much to say today! So I will share todays Daily Reflection reading with you...

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colourful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.151

The longer I chased these elusive feelings with alcohol, the more out of reach they were. However, by applying this passage to my sobriety, I found that it described the magnificent new life made available to me by the AA program. "It" truly does "get better" one day at a time. The warmth, the love and the joy so simply expressed in those words grow in breath and depth each time I read it. Sobriety is a gift that grows with time.

So, reading the first part of the above, it didn't take me long to see that I was never normal in my drinking days! Today, I call those who can drink 'normally' earthlings (see Lushisms!). Sometimes I was 'convivial' when drinking, but mostly I drank alone for a number of reasons-

1) I never knew when I would blackout, making a fool of myself

2) I didn't want to have to share my booze with anyone

3) I often drank just to pass out, not a very social thing to do

4) I obsessed too much about the sad state of running out of booze, making me very cranky!

5) my life sucked, so why would I even consider being around others

Yup, it's true, I was not usually a very sociable person in my drinking days, and yes I lived under the illusion that maybe, if I drank enough, my pathetic life would take on new meaning. It just never seemed to happen though, and when I realized that all of my days were eerily resembling the one before, and the one before that etc., I decided to try AA once again. This, at last, has brought me to a place of peace. Not all of my days feel great, but even my worst day today is better than my best day drinking, cliche, I know, but true none the less! Here are just some of the things I am grateful for today...

• to be clean and sober once again


• to have days where I actually want to be around people


• I had enough laundry soap left to finish my washing


• to have everything I need, and then some


• to have summer clothes that fit me- it's going to be about 100 farenheit today!


• I actually invested in a fan this year!


• for the two appoinments I have today, which will get me out of the house


• for the friends I can visit today without leaving my house- that means YOU!

I'll be busy today, but I promise I'll be by to stalk to y'all soon....

SERENE ON SUNDAY

"Deep down within us"... We found the Great Reality. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found...search diligently within yourself.... With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 55

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of AA. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the AA program. By coming to meetings, staying sober , and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness in the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. I met my God, as I understand Him.

That is the Daily Reflection reading for today, and I am loving it. I find that it so accurately reflects alot of the emotions that I have been feeling the last week or so. Although I can honestly say that I was not in the depths of depression or despair, I well remember feeling that way not so very long ago. Last week I was feeling lonely though, and thanks to my meetings and my blogger friends, it did pass. All the hecticness passed too. The speaker I heard on Friday night had such a powerful message, and I felt my head going like a bobble-head doll as she spoke of all the terrible feelings that were in her life. She shared how the drinking at first would make the feelings go away, and then they'd come back even stronger, mixed with remorse and regret and guilt, and she would drink even more to erase them. The feelings of uselessness, and wanting to die and just not wanting to be....anymore.

I liked how she shared of her first AA meeting, and how she thought "these people actually know what I'm feeling". How true I find this to be. We may all look different on the outsides, we come from various financial backgrounds, we can be found all over the world, speaking hundreds of languages. But when a willing alcoholic open their heart to learn how to live again, they usually feel as if they have come home... at least thet is how it was for me. The speaker went on to tell how she learned to trust, and to love and to find a Power greater than herself. She spoke at length about all of the gifts the program gave her, and of all of the friends she has made. It was a message of hope, to hear about where she started and where she ended up. To know this beautiful, brave young woman today one has to have faith in this wonderful program.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• to be clean and sober...and even happy
• to have a great weekend of love and sharing with AAngel
• the Maven and her strength to have 16 years sober
• all of the flowers that God has helped me to grow
• to know that I meet the requirements for AA membership
• to be at peace today
• to look forward to tomorrow
• for my safe and loving home
• to have spoken to my sponsor, who gave me 'homework' and I have no resentments!
• for all of AA, all over the world
• each and every single one of YOU...

Stalk to ya later y'all! Oh and before I forget...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I CHOSE TO LET CRABBY SLEEP TODAY!

Well, it's kinda hard to have a pity party when the flowers are bloomin' like this! My Asian Lilies have started to bloom, I'd have to say they are my absolute favourites, I have about five different colours of Asians, and they all bloom at different times! Of course I say they are my favorites until the next flowers bloom, and then the new ones are my favorites... I am such an alcoholic Huh? One thing I know for sure is that no matter how icky I've been feeling, I didn't drink, and that is cause for celebration in my world, I'll pass on the cake though, I've been living on ice cream to help me through my misery!!! So back to the business of living clean and sober, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

Years of living with an alcoholic is sure to make any (husband) wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 122

It is important for me to realize that, as an alcoholic, I not only hurt myself, but also those around me. Making amends to my family, and to the families of alcoholics still suffering, will always be important. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to repair the destruction, will be a life long endeavor. The example of my sobriety may give others hope, and faith to help themselves.

Yes, I understand the insanity of living in an alcoholic home. And all of the times I waited for the next worse thing to happen, because I knew in my heart that it could always get worse... Today I pray to stay sober and to help my family and friends heal from the disease of alcoholism, that they were exposed to by my drinking. Today I am grateful for the following...

• to wake up rich in sobriety- thanks Meg!
• my new blooming garden
• I haven't had to water the blooming garden, God has done that for me- thanks MC
• to not have to remember how bad it was before I quit drinking- thanks Pammie
• to know that as long as I don't drink, my life will just get better
• to find that ice cream as a substitute, is still better than drinking
• to not have to use ice cream as a substitute today!
• I chose to not wake up crabby today- shhhhh- she's still sleeping!
• for all the reminders of how good my life really is
• I have everything I need and then some
• ALL of you who still came to visit when I was so crabby!!
• today will be a good day, because I will work on having it so
• for all of YOU and you, and you too!

Have a great day y'all, unless you've made OTHER plans!!! MUAH -thanks Sober Chick!

NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!

I'm still tired and still a little crabby, that's why I haven't posted for a couple of days. I did talk to my therapist today, and she said it made perfect sense to her. Glad to know my misery has its' place! LOL! Apparently this is quite common to have post-party let down, you know like the big climb up the roller coaster and then the whole thing breaks down... She asked me what my plans were for the next year, and I replied just more of the same, staying sober One Day at a Time, more to uncover and discover about me, having my AAngel come back home, and of course that nasty little matter of the job search! And NO, in case you were wondering, I have not heard back from Walmart, I guess God has planned for me to wake up rich instead of just beautiful tomorrow. LOL!

The best I can do for today will have to be enough, and so today, I am grateful for the following...

• I actually made it into my second year of sobriety
• I have a counsellor who "gets" me
• no news can be viewed as no bad news
• it was a gorgeous, hot and sunny day today
• by the end of the week I will have new blooms in my garden
• there is still much I have to learn
• there are things that I can teach others
• to have a peaceful weekend with AAngel
• not every day has to be chaotic and full
• I have everything I need today and then some
• my HP must have better plans for me than mine would have been
• all of my friends and family in recovery... YES, that means YOU!

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?

This is a picture of me a year and a day old...how do ya like me now? And here is todays Daily Reflection...

... we then look at Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensible.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76

Steps Four and Five were difficult, but worthwhile. Now I was stuck on Step Six and, in despair, I picked up the Big Book and read this passage. I was outside, praying for willingness, when I raised my eyes and saw a huge bird rising in the sky. I watched it suddenly give itself up to the powerful air currents of the mountains. Swept along, swooping and soaring, the bird did things seemingly impossible for mortal birds to do. It was an inspiring example of how a fellow creature "letting go" to a power greater than itself. I realized that if the bird "took back his will" and tried to fly with less trust, on its own power alone, it would spoil its apparent free flight. That insight granted me the willingness to pray the Seventh Step prayer.

It's not easy to know God's will in each circumstance. I must search out and be ready for the currents, and that's where prayer and meditation help! Because I am, of myself, nothing. I ask God to grant me knowledge of His will, and the power and courage to carry it out- today.

Yesterday, I was determined to begin the next phase of my recovery in a new way. Instead of staying stuck in the hurt from my fight with Angel, I chose to enjoy my day, and that included some elements of self-care, where before there would have been self-destruction. I had some breakfast, read my prayers and meditations, and did some blog-stalking. Then I picked up the phone. I called the woman who had spoken on Friday night, we had a very good conversation about learning to let go of control of our children. I asked her how long it took for her own daughter to forgive her for all of the alcoholic behaviours, she said about two years! It had been a painful journey for both of them, but in the end, it all worked out. The second call came to me. It was my new sponsor (yes I'll probably keep calling her my 'new sponsor' , even after twenty years!). She was calling to see how I was. Again we talked about letting go of children- is there a message here? We are getting together to read and discuss Step one, this is appropriate for me I think, because if I stay focused on today, I may just make it this time! The third call was to a very good friend. An amazing young woman of thirty, who is about to celebrate 16 years of clean and sober living. She really has been my 'bestest friend' ever since I met her. At my first meeting back, she was the speaker, I was in awe, I wanted what she had, and thankfully, we became friends.

I spent the afternoon watching my Jays kick butt against Chicago- YAY! I puttered in my garden, showered and then went for a bike ride. I chose not to call Angel, just to let the dust settle. when I got back from my ride, there was a message from Angel, apologizing for her behaviour and asking me to forgive her. She said "if you're not too mad at me...". I cried. I don't think she knows how very much I truly love her, even when I'm angry. And the truth is, that I wasn't really angry at all, I was just feeling overwhelmed and questioning my ability to be a good mother. When she acts out and expresses anger like she did, I know it is because she feels safe enough to do that, I just want for her to not have to hurt herself or me or anyone else in the process.... We will talk later today, I will remind her that I love her no matter what, and apologize for hurting her. I will ask her what she needs from me. That, for today is all I can do.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I don't have a hangover from celebrating my first birthday
• I didn't feel the need to hurt me or anyone else yesterday
• I have everything I need, and then some
• there are many people in my life today who love and trust me
• there are many people in my life today who I love and trust
• today can be any kind of day I choose it to be
• I am 366 days sober, and ready to keep learning and growing
• that I received about 15 e-mails yesterday to congratulate me on my anniversary- they were all people I had never met or 'spoken' to before!
• today, I feel "Happy, Joyous and Free"
• for every single one of YOU- loving me, sharing with me, and accepting me
  

IT'S A JUNGLE IN HERE!

I had a using dream last night. I haven't had one for many years, since the last time I attempted this recovery thing. I think it is because tomorrow is officially my one year clean and sober. So in this dream, I actually have no memory of the using part- big surprise there! But I was with my new sponsor, in a school or something, and I felt VERY stoned. The thing is, because I had no memory of using, I denied that I was stoned. I definately did not like how it felt, it was like I was bordering on a major anxiety attack, so out of control... I didn't like the fact that I had to lie to cover it up either. When I woke up, I still felt at odds with me, guilty almost. So I went to take some more pictures of my garden. The first one I named "It's a jungle out here" and the second "My garden Angel". The first represents how I felt when I first woke up, and the second is a reminder to me, of how this program can be full of miracles, when we choose to see them.

Here is today's Daily Reflection, and maybe it is another message from my Higher Power on this eve of my one year...

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and people is changing. For me, the first "A" in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second "A" in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular AA action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober!

Today I am extremely grateful for the following...

• my attitude and outlook has begun to change


• to be chairing my home group for the month of June- my way of carrying the message


• to choose the speakers for June- I have decided to hear some women speak- Five of 'em!


• the jungle in my back yard does not represent my crowded mind!


• I can fill my days with activity instead of fear


• if I have everything I need, and then some, I can share with others


• today I have everything I need and then some!


• me, clean and sober for one year = a miracle in my world


• now that Angel has decided to come home, I have the opportunity to be the mom that she needs and deserves


• all of the comments (support) to my bloggy and my recovery- I never could have done this without you


• today I cry tears of gratitude, not remorse


• each and every one of YOU- I so love you guys!!!

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

• I was able to post to HNT for the second time!


• the cleansing tears that I have shed


• for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life


• I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober


• the road I walk upon is always changing for the better


• we are not alone in our trAAvels


• someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person


• today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be


• I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it


• I want to take care of me today- what a change !


• for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here: http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

GIVING WITHOUT STRINGS

Here is today's Daily Reflection...
And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demands for a return.
As Bill Sees It pg 69

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, "What do they want in return?" But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitude changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

Ah yes, the more I read these writings and the more meetings I go to, I am even more aware of where I belong. To me, there were always strings attached to everything, no matter who the person was or what the giving was. Sadly, I gave my very soul to be accepted, only to find that I was not. I gave my body for drugs, only to wake up feeling remorseful and used. New in the program, I still had that feeling that people wanted something from me in exchange for this sobriety thing. No one, in my opinion, would give away the happiness that they had worked so hard for, without getting something back from me! I didn't trust their words. I grew close to no one. But slowly, by continuing to go to meetings, and sharing a little here and there, I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. And this God, of my understanding, just wanted me to be happy. The people in the meetings said "We can only keep what we have, by giving it away!".

Today, I do my best to share my experience, strength and hope with others. I see now that when I speak at a meeting, secretary, pick up chairs or even make coffee, I am showing others that it feels good to give back. I am grateful for this new life that I have and I want for others to have the experience of freedom that this program has given me. One of the ways I can do this today is to shake hands at the door, be a greeter, welcome people to my meetings whether it is their hundredth or their very first meeting. When I leave a comment on your blog, I am sharing how the program works for me. I never know if my words might be the very words that you need to hear today. Just as when you leave a comment for me, it could have been your words that helped to bring me out of the funk that I was in.

Last night I received a call from Angels' group home that apparently she had come home drunk. As a mom this devastated me. I had read in several posts last night about the pain of watching our children drink and use, struggling to find their own way. I cried in frustration and fear for my daughter. I don't want her to have to follow my path in an attempt to feel good about herself. But all I can do is to continue living clean and sober today. My new life and happiness, the freedom from addictions, my hope for the future, are all things I can freely give my daughter. Of course unconditional love and a soft place to fall are also things I can give her with no expectations. All of the things that all of you have given me, I now have to pass alomg to another who suffers. Life is good today!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• for being clean and sober today

all of the people who welcomed me to the program

the ability to love unconditionally

the acceptance I feel in the rooms, and here in 'blog land'

for a friend sharing a part of her with me last night- trusting me

I am willing to give without strings today

the digital camera that takes the pics of my garden

my depression is lighter today- it too passed

the sunshine

coffee

I can love Angel until she loves herself- and then some

for a new chance at life

I have everything I need today, and then some

ALL of YOU

I'M STALKIN', YES INDEED....I'M STALKIN'....

Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• That I don't regret my past anymore
• my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
• we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
• my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
• I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
• MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
• my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
• all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
• for each and every one of YOU
• that I am clean and sober for another day

See ya all later, peace out...

LET THE PAST REST IN PEACE

Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
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This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• that I am clean and sober
• Angel and I had a good weekend together
• it is another beautiful sunny day
• I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
• more flowers are blooming in my garden
• there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
• my safe and loving home
• my cats and my budgie
• my health
• my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
• even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
• all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!

Holy cow, today is my mom's 71st birthday! I can hardly wait to call her and wish her a great day, and tell her how I love her. Not so many years ago, I wouldn't even have called her on her birthday, I am so happy that my mom is alive and well, and I look forward to seeing and talking to her. Being a mom myself, I think, has changed my perception of my own mother in so many ways. Now I know how she must have worried seeing me determined to destroy myself and helpless to do anything about it. Now I can appreciate how for years, she had to let me go, as the pain of seeing me hurting was too much for her to bear. I am grateful today to have my mom in my life. I have forgiven her for the ways I felt she was not there for me. I can accept her and love her today for who she is. I can have compassion today, for the horrible life my mom had to endure, and how she still loves me with all of my imperfections. I am grateful today, that this amazing woman gave me life...what a miracle!

I was asked to share my story last Sunday, and I noticed that I no longer have bad feelings when sharing about my early years. More than ever, I have been able to look at things from a different view point, one with love and compassion instead of blame and regret. This is, for me, proof that this program is working today in my life. For that I am very happy.

Here is today's Daily Reflections' reading...

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happily in this world.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.73-74

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared "... {my} whole life's story with someone..." in order to find my place in the fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know God's plan for me comes true through honesty, openness and willingness.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I have volunteered to be secretary at my home group for the month of May
• it is another beautiful sunny day in my world
• I have more flowers about to bloom in my garden
• everyday can be filled with new adventures, if I choose it to be
• eleven months of clean and sober living
• all of my blogging friends who wished me well on my 11 month day!
• pink toe nail polish...thanks MC and Gwen!
• pink anything, flowers, clothes, my bloggy, it's my favorite colour
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• I will get to see the Maven and her Spawnling tonight, in person!
• I have been awake since 7:00 AM, and have managed to stay out of trouble!

ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION

I have been blessed in my life that a couple of struggling alcoholics have reached out to me lately. Make no mistake, I do not take this lightly, nor do I let this be a measure of my own importance. I have had some really rough times in recovery, as we all have had. I have felt the need to go back out there on a number of occasions too, as a few of us have. I am no different, no better, no worse than any of my fellow AA's. If in any way I can impact the life of just one person suffering from this disease, then my work has only just begun. If , in my life, I can carry the message that for me, AA IS the easier, softer way, then perhaps I am doing a little giving back. We can only keep what we have so graciously been given if we give it away. For me that means embracing this program of recovery and all of the promises that have come true for me today. It means I will ask only to know what His will is for me and to have the courage to carry this out. It means I will love and accept myself today, in all my freakishness and all of my imperfections, because as a good friend often reminds me, I AM God's baby gurl!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.
As Bill Sees It pg.283

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of AA, alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was "This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round." The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: "Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal." I'm free and I'm grateful!

I remember so many years ago, at the very first meeting that I had found the courage to take that mile long walk and receive my first white chip. The man who was doing the chips that night said "This is a full refund guarantee, if the results of this program are not satisfactory to you, you can return to your misery." Everybody laughed at his humour, but at the time I thought, how ridiculous, who in their right minds would choose to go back to all of the misery that drinking caused us. The answer is simple for me today: No one!!! If and when we make a decision to pick up that first drink or drug, we are not in our right minds. For me my right mind includes allowing my HP to lead me, having gratitude for the absence of the obsession to use and carrying the message in all of my affairs!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following:

• that there are people today that want what I have
• that there are many people out there whose program I desire- serenity, self acceptance, many 24 hours of recovery
• that dAAve pointed out that my video distracted him from reading my post- Hey dAAve...I disabled it just for you!
• I live in a safe and loving home today
• I have been eating actual food for breakfast
• I am free from the obsession to drink/use today
• all of my wonderful AA friends who share their E, S and H with me, and their difficulties too!
• I am learning to not judge me for the mistakes I make, but to find out what I can learn from them
• ALL OF YOU!!!

HEAVEN'S LIGHT SHINING DOWN

This is from 24 Hours A Day...

The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things, but they add up to a satisfactory and happy life. You take out of life what you put into it. So I'd say to people coming into AA: "Don't worry about what life will be like without liquor. Just hang in there and a lot of good things will happen to you. And you'll have that feeling of quiet satisfaction and peace and serenity and gratitude for the grace of God". Is my life becoming really worth living?

I don't know about you, but I find this to be true in my life today. When I am in a bad mood, the people I come in contact with are idiots! If I am feeling grateful for all of the beauty around me, the world is beautiful to me. If I snap at the waitress for taking too long with my breakfast, it will probably be cold or come with burnt toast. If I say to you that I appreciate your friendship, then maybe you will call on a friend who has been feeling down lately. I do believe that what goes around, comes around. I used to live in constant fear of the retribution for the pain I caused in my drinking days. I couldn't trust you, because I couldn't trust me. You weren't always truthful with me because I lied to you all the time. How my life has changed today. I am learning to trust and love and be the kind of friend that I want to have. I am learning to reach out to you and in kind you are reaching out to me. It's ALL good today!

Here are just a few of the things that have made me smile today...

• I finally found the Collective soul video to post on my blog
• the sky is the most perfect shade of blue
• I watered my garden last night for the first time this year
• a friend is lending me a bicycle pump so I can start to ride my "blue mustang with the top down" again LOL
• my little Jenny bird chirps to the birds outside everyday
• my next door neighbor was smoking a joint this morning and it bothered me so I told her and went inside (I didn't WANT it either)
• my home group meeting is tonight
• the weather is getting so warm that I think I can put away my winter coat for real
• even though My Blue Jays lost, I have faith that they'll play well in Baltimore tonight
• I have everything I need today and then some...
• I have discovered "smiley's" and I know how to add them to my posts!
• even though I'm a freak you seem to love me anyway
• all of you who trudge this happy road with me, you guys ROCK

BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN RECOVERY

Today I am happy to announce the return of our favourite cupcake, to visit her click here.
http://postcardsfromthecupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/

Today's Daily Reflection reminds me again of how much we all really have in common, not only on the journey to recovery, but also in everyday life:

We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers/sisters in virtue as we are brothers/sisters in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome these.
As Bill Sees It pg.167

The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritual- almost incomprehensible. But it is there , I "feel"it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me. It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do this- or how to try. I never even cared. The fellowship of AA, and God, are teaching me how to care about others.

I can so relate to this! When I do my daily blog-stalking, I look forward to hearing about all of you. How is your day going? Have you solved the problem that was causing you pain? I actually care. I don't worry incessantly about you , because I know you are safely in the hands of God. I don't want for you to be OK because I want something from you, no, I actually want for you to be peaceful and happy, the same thing I want for me! It is a freedom for me to share the things that are causing me unhappiness today, and to lessen your burdens by being there to hear your stuff. With all of my defects of character, I am still welcomed into AA and this loving blogger community, just as I welcome you. With that I will share my gratitude list for today...

• I am very grateful to wake up at 7:30!!! without a hangover
• for all of my sober blogging buddies who share their E, S and H with me today
• that my womens' meeting goes tonight
• that MY Boys are playing at 12:30 today, so I won't miss the game
• that the Sens are once again doing well in the play-offs (even though they'll probably CHOKE in the end!)
• that I have an answereing machine so I can play phone tag with the Maven
• the weather is quite spring like today
• my garden is growing strong and healthy, and I know how to post pictures of it on my blog
• I have a safe home to call my own today
• my Angel will spend one day of her weekend with me this week
• that people love and care enough to comment on my little bloggy...

So I wish all of you a happy, joyous and free from drugs and alcohol day. I plan to have one myself!

SELF PITY, HUMILITY AND LOVE

I have been feeling out of sorts lately, as I have shared and in today's blog-stalking, I have read some beautiful posts that have got me to thinking... visit here : http://www.stayingstraightedge.co.uk/
to see how I started my day! I think now is a good time for me to do my Daily Reflection's reading...

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects I know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
As Bill Sees It pg.238

This false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like any drug, that I take an ever bigger dose. If I succumb to this it would lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antedote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first,toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lesson my own exaggerated suffering.

I feel almost like I have been grieving, but not sure what it is that I am missing. I know if I can remain calm and focus on all of the beauty in my life, then this icky feeling will pass... So again I am going to be grateful for the following:

• that I am clean and sober today
• even though it is Friday the 13th, I am not afraid
• I am able to cry for the pain of others'
• I am able to cry tears of joy
• that I feel love in my life today
• I ate something for breakfast
• although MY boys lost last night, it is only the beginning of the season
• my garden is still growing strong, despite the snowfall we have had
• my Angel is coming for the weekend
• I will get to speak to a new blogging friend on the phone this weekend
• my home group meets tonight and I have volunteered to be a greeter
• all of my beautiful blogger buddies who come to visit me at my place!

Well that's all I have for now, enjoy your today...I'll stalk to ya later!

FAMILY- BY BLOOD OR CHOICE

As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:

• I am clean and sober
• I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
• a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
• I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
• my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
• all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
• I have a safe place to call home today
• my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
• I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
• my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
• I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
• tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

WOO HOO, THE BOYS ARE BACK!!!

let's go bluejays, let's go!

In honour of "MY Blue jays" I will do my summer blog writings in blue! I just love baseball season! As if the green stuff starting to grow was not enough to get me in a great mood, the beginning of baseball season is like the whipped cream and cherry on top of the sundae! My poor daughter was neglected not only by my drug and alcohol use, now she'll hafta learn to talk to me in a whole new way. No my Angel, as I see it, that is three strikes for you...YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!... FOUL (ball)...I really believe in dreams coming true, and my dream is to see my boys win a World Series at the (formally known as) Sky Dome.

In '92 I was still living in Barrie where Angel was born. I was in the program, it was a wonderful year, my baby and I went to meetings almost everyday. And when my boys won the World Series I was clean and sober, and cried like a baby myself! '93 was also a good year for me, we had just moved back to my home in Ottawa, I was still in the program, still clean and sober. I was once again close to my mom and sister and my cousins, who I missed so much when living in T.O. and Barrie. And of course, my Boys won the Series again!

Not too long after moving back to Ottawa, I started to smoke dope again, although I didn't drink. I had started seeing a guy who (I believe) was an alcoholic, and he smoked a lot, so I did with him! We were together for about a year and a half. It was the beginning of another slide into Hell for me. It seemed that whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I would lose myself. I became whoever it was that they wanted me to be. I would compromise my own morals and beliefs for the sake of the other person- to make them happy. I would get to the point where I no longer knew what I wanted, what was important to me. Today I don't regret the relationships that I had been in that were so unhealthy for me. I can look back and see how I learned from the experience. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get this far!

I am at the point in my life I think, where although I do miss having that special someone in my life, I am truly starting to enjoy my own company! I can do what I want, when I want to. I can come and go as I please. I can go out with gurl friends and flirt with guy friends, I can stay in my pj's all day if I want to! I never really thought I was even capable of being happy All By Self! I didn't know that it was something that was even allowed. At almost forty six years young, I am no longer looking outside of me for someone or something to make my life complete...I am complete! I no longer look without, for something or someone to make me happy...I am happy! I no longer wish that I had learned these lessons earlier in life, I am able to be grateful today, that I know all this stuff. And grateful to be able to continue learning as I go. And grateful for the Boys of summer in their HOTT baseball uniforms...and another win too!

I guess that's it for now, a relatively short and sweet post, just like the author!! See you all later!