HAVING A WEEK!

Gee, I've been having quite a week! I have hardly posted, I haven't stalked to hardly any one in blogville, and I haven't been to a meeting or called my sponsor...hmmm, I wonder if there is a connection there? LOL After not speaking with AAngel since she left here, I finally called her today. All week I have been hearing her parting words to me in my head, like a record with a nasty scratch on it..."Shut the F*** up, Bitch". Yup, that's what she said! So why didn't I get off my ass and turn the record off, or call someone for a reality check, or get my big butt to a meeting to share about all of the feelings that this last fight has brought up in me? I dunno, I'm still trying to sort that out. I do know that when I called her today, AAngel didn't even bother to apologize. She said I wouldn't have accepted it anyways. And she is partly right. Of all of the hurtful things I have said and done to her, I have not called her a bitch or treated her with the kind of disrespect that I have had to deal with lately.

I get that she's a teenager, but isn't respect something that I deserve? She says that the times are different now (meaning that I am reeeeeaaally old) and that kids just don't respect their parents the way they did in the 'old' days! I guess when I said I would never dream of speaking to my mom the way AAngel speaks to me, it was a mistake. But no matter how angry I ever was with my parents, I still wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful. And of course her words hurt, 'cause after all this is the child that I gave birth to. I've been barfed on, and changed poopy diapers and stayed up with her all night when she was sick. I've held her when she cried 'cause she had a fight with her best friend. I've made crafts for and with her. I have always kissed her good night and told her that I loved her. And WAAAAAH , poor me! OK. I think I'm done venting for now, but I may have to continue later LOL. AAngel did not come for a visit today as I suggested that if she still had a bad attitude I would prefer her not to come! I am off to my meeting tonight, check in with all later!

...Well, I'm back, did ya miss me? Sorry ;bout that, just thought I'd mess with ya a little bit, after all you are still here reading this and I, on the other hand have gone to a meeting, visited with a friend and now am back at home! I hafta admit I do feel much better now that I've had an AA fix. I got lots of hugs (which I really needed), and also some validation for all of the yucky feelings that I have been wallowing in this week. So back to the business of recovery1 Today I am grateful for the following...

• to still be clean and sober after a kind of rough week
• to have heard a man speak tonight who has meant so much to me this past year, actually the man who gave me my medallion at my b-day
• my friend , the Maven, who took me to her place after the meeting, when I said I just wanted to come home and eat chocolate!
• all of the opportunities I have been given to change ME esp. when I'm dealing with a devilteen!
• I can be happy for the good things that happen to other people today
• even though stuff still bothers me, now I have the tools to let things go, instead of letting them fester
• to have everything I need today and then some
• for all of the fresh veggies I have eaten this week
• for chocolate- I still say it's better than sex!!
• for each and every one of Y-O-U....love and HUGS to all

MY FIRST BIRTHDAAY

To everyone that has accompanied me on my trAAvels this far... have a piece of cake on me-you've earned it!

This is the reading from todays Daily Reflections for June 2nd...

Here are the Steps we took...
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 59

These are the words that lead into the Twelve Steps. In their direct simplicity they sweep aside all psychological and philosophical considerations about the rightness of the Steps. They describe what I did: I took the Steps and sobriety was the result. These words do not imply that I should walk the well-trodden path of those who went before, but rather that there is a way for me to become sober and that is a way I shall have to find. It is a new path, one that leads to infinite light at the top of the mountain. The Steps advise me about the footholds that are safe and about chasms to avoid. They provide me with the tools I need during the many parts of the solitary journey of my soul. When I speak of this journey, I share my experience, strength and hope with others.

Last night was not great for me. Angel and I had a huge fight which resulted in me sending her back to the group home, probably for the weekend. Apparently Angel had made tentative plans with a gurl friend for tonight. The plans included going to a street in downtown Ottawa, where all of the bars along the way would be opened up, with big screen tv's showing game three of the Senators/Ducks game- for those who are not aware, this is the first time in about thirty years, that our home hockey team has had a shot at winning the Stanley Cup. Anyway, the game is going tonight, the entire length of this road will be closed to traffic, meaning that the patrons of various bars wil be able to wander freely about. One of the gurls, I have known for years, and I love her as if she were my own, the other gurls I have never met. Ah, but I was 16 once, and if you are looking to party, this would be the place to be... So in my infinite wisdom as a mom who had her share of schemes to find a party in my younger days, I said that this was the last place that I thought Angel should be on a Saturday night...and she was off...

First I must set up a bit of background... when I was still drinking and Angel would have plans made that I did not agree with, she would basically say F-you, and leave anyway, at which point I would drink to console myself for being such a bad mother. I would try to set boundaries and limits, but the fights that would ensue would wear me down to the point that I would give in or as mentioned, Angel would take off anyway. I am working very hard at setting healthy limits today and it is very challenging for a number of reasons...
A) I always used to give in if she threw a big enough tantrum
B) Angel has already had her share of addictions problems
C) it is hard to impose consequences when the child takes off
D) I am dealing with years of guilt at not being a better mom

When Angel started to realize that her plans were going to be thwarted, she became verbally abusive, another good old stand-by that has worked in the past with me. But I didn't cave. I attempted to call my sponsor, at which point the phone was unplugged. I went outside to calm down, at which point the door was locked behind me. I tended to my garden at which point Angel came out to pursue her attack. She went back and forth from name calling and insulting to begging me to reconsider. When it appeared that I was not going to give in this time, her behaviours escalated...I am NOT going to your stupid meeting tonight...OK I'll stay here with you and have a boring weekend, like usual...I HATE this stupid serenity bull****... I hope you end up drinking again.....

Knowing that I was chairing the Friday night meeting, and having had a using dream, and smelling dope from my neighbors all week, I made a decision to call the house and have them come pick Angel up. I explained to her, and the staff at the house, that it had been a somewhat difficult week for me, and I was determined to make it to my one year celebration. So I had to take care of me. I figured that Saturday would also be spent arguing with Angel as she attempted to change my mind and allow her to go to "party central" with other 16 year old gurls on a Saturday night... The call being made, the tears started flowing, hers, not mine! She accused me of not loving her, she accused me of being a bitch, she once again threw all of the terrible things I had done to her in my face and it hurt, oh it really hurt, both of us.

I said that she was right, I was not able to be the kind of mother that she needed when I was still drinking, and I was very sorry for all of the ways that I had let her down. I told her that I had worked so hard this year to make changes, so I could be a better mom, to show her that I did truly love her, by setting limits and doing what I felt was best for both of us. I also said that I had to take care of me, and that included going to my meetings and trying to live in today, and not putting myself in situations that threatened my sobriety. blah, blah, blah.... I know that Angel could nor hear any of what I was saying because she was so angry and hurting, and I went into self-preservation mode. I waited on the front step for the staff to come and get her, and went to my meeting...

The speaker I had chosen was amazing. Her story was a lot like mine in so many ways. I sat and cried throughout.... After the meeting I had the opportunity to talk to my new sponsor, and a really good friend. They took opposites side of the proverbial coin on this fighting with Angel thing. One said I had to allow her some freedom, not be so protective of her, the other agreed that due to our history, I had done my best to protect Angel from herself. They both agreed however, that maybe neither Angel or I , were ready to live together again. My worst fears, verbalized by two very intelligent women. And now I am back, so-to-speak, to square one. I need to take care of me. I want to be a good mother to my daughter. I don't want to cause her any more pain than I already have. I want so much for us to live together, but I just don't know that we can. Ho hum...I continue on my journey One Day at a Time and I know more shall be revealed... Happy Birthday to me!

Just so you all know, I am grateful for so many things today, not the least of which is my sobriety, but due to the length of my novel, I will skip writing out my gratitude list... you're welcome!

BETTER DAYS ARE HERE

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own. The Onion!

I stole this from Lounge Daddy's post and I thought it was hilarious, considering that I have a child who resembles the one alluded to in my horoscope!http://aangeldevilteen.blogspot.com/ So today , I have lost my child to the Maven and her family, who don't seem to realize that IT IS BASEBALL SEASON!!! They are having a HOCKEY party of all stupid things! Now I don't know about you, but in my part of the world (although we do have some spring snow), April signals the end of Hockey, or at least it should! Do I care that the Senators are in the play offs? NO! Do I think they have a hope in H-E- double hockey sticks of actually winning? Hell NO! My prediction? The Sens will do what they do best... CHOKE!!! In the mean time I have been ditched, left all by self, abandoned again...Good thing my Jays are playing today!!!

Last night I went to my home group. I so love it! A bunch of crazy drunks just like me, all sober! There is a lot of laughter at my meeting, I used to get offended that 'these people' had the gall to laugh, didn't they realize how serious our addictions are? Today I take comfort in the fact that my "peeps" know how to put recovery first, but have not forgotten the healing powers of laughter! The speaker was amazing- I love that word ! She was a late blooming alcoholic, and a high functioning one at that. She had five children, a husband, volunteer work and a full time job! Ironically her degree was in alcohol and drug counselling, and for years she would selflessly help us drunks and then go home to drink to forget all of the sad stories she heard day after day! She shared how she would drink in a closet in her home so that no one would know what she was up to. I could not relate to the life she lead, but I could identify with the feelings of "keeping it all together", hiding my drinking from the outside world, and the humility when I realized that I was not in control after all. A great message indeed!

Todays' Daily Reflections talks about resentments...

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick as well.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.64

The best way I know to help get rid of resentments is to pray for those I think have done me wrong, in my prayers I ask for the people to have all of the good things that I have found in life. Here are some of the good things I have today...

• my day started with a big hug from my Angel
• I spoke to a very good friend on the phone
• I can allow my daughter to have fun with people other than me- without resentment
• I am clean and sober today
• the sadness I was feeling has been replaced by joy
• I have a computer to stalk to all of my blogging buddies
• I know how to use my computer today!
• my BOYS are kickin' butt again- take that- all you hockey fans!
• when my Angel comes home we will have a gurlie night with DVD's and popcorn

This was posted outside a church near where I live...

Man's way leads to a hopeless end, God's way leads to an endless hope.

So until we meet again.... HUGS to all!

ADDITIONAL SUNDAY READING (read I am really bored today!)

Apparently it only takes two people to have an AA meeting, and since I am here with me, myself and I , guess that fits the criteria! It is customary to open the meeting with a moment of silence followed by the serenity prayer , may I have that moment now please...





GOD
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (you, the weather, Devilteen...)
The courage to change the things I can (me, my thoughts, my behaviors...)
and the wisdom to know the difference...

DOH (slaps forehead!!!) I was doing so well there for a brief moment...
Hey there! My name is Lushgurl, and I AM an alcoholic! Welcome to my Sunday night ramblings and now to qualify...the very fact that I would find a loophole in order to make my own meeting should qualify me...You see I feel a little guilty that I made absolutely no attempt to hit a meeting this weekend. I don't even have a plausible excuse to cover my ass, nor do I have a reason. I just didn't go. The good news/bad news is...I actually do feel guilty. I could have made the effort, I know I would have heard something I needed to hear. I know I would have seen at least one friend who probably would have hugged me. So what did I do ? Yup, stayed home all by self, although I didn't have a pity party, and I did stalk many sober peoples' Blogs, I still feel the need to 'should' on myself...

I slept a lot this weekend, that was not too bad as I have not been feeling very well. I finished some housework that I had started so I would not feel like a total loser. I even picked up the phone and called a couple of friends. The whole weekend was not a write off. I did do things to take care of me, but man, first AA f--s up my drinking and now, it is f--ing my ability to wallow in misery too!!! What does a gurl hafta do to indulge in a good ol' fashioned pity party anyway? If the answer is DRINK or USE... Been there done that etc. and (never ceases to amaze me) I don't want to use today. Despite my best efforts to stay the same, all of the meetings I have been attending are starting to rub off into my daily affairs. THEY told me this would happen. THEY said the Promises would come true. THEY said "Keep coming Back". YEEESSH...now even if my ass is not at a meeting it seems my recovery rally still works in my life!

I am so grateful today to have a place to go and write out my feelings, and in reading other recovery blogs, I find so many others who share the same struggles as I do. This weekend especially that was a comfort to me, even though I didn't actually GO anywhere YOU all have helped me to survive myself!!! OMG...I feel the need to get sappy...I just want to thank each and everyone of you who stops by to say HI! I truly feel that I am never alone. I feel very blessed that in my darkest thoughts, there is still a glimpse of light. All I have to do is open my curtains ( read open my blog) and I feel the warmth and love of recovery enveloping me. I can choose to do something different tomorrow, and that again is thanks to YOU...

On that note , I'll end this meeting with the resposibility pledge...

When anyone, anywhere
reaches out for help
I want the hand of AA always to be there
and for that I am responsible ( cyber squeezes all your hands...)

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!!!