If you haven't yet. please take a moment to sign my guestbook, just click on sign my guestbook, view all guests or slide to sign....thank you!
Showing posts with label loving me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loving me. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...
Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...
My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.
The Language of the Heart pg. 238
Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.
Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES
Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us... We were trying to find emotional security either by domination of by being dependant upon others... We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependance.
As Bill Sees It pg. 252
When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.
Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.
(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!
Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..
As Bill Sees It pg. 252
When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.
Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.
(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!
Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..
- I am clean and sober today
- even though there were some rough spots on the weekend "I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me"
- we didn't get the thunder storm that was predicted last night
- I was able to share the new growth in my garden with all my favorite peeps
- my Blue Jays trounced the Red Sox last night-go Jays!
- Trampcat always loves to cuddle with me, and she purrs when I just 'talk' to her
- Toughboy goes out every night to 'tom' but comes home to mommy every morning
- I spoke to someone who works at the outdoor market yesterday, and he's going to talk to my former boss to get me hired this year
- I watch Ellen Degeneres every morning and I still laugh without being stoned or drunk
- my lovely and safe home
- all of my wonderful cyber-friends...yes this means YOU
- my Higher Power loved me when I couldn't love myself
I hope everyone has the best day EVER, I think I'll have one myself! Love and HUGS to all today...
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I LOVE MY BLOG WORLD!
Here we are March 1st already. I was prepared to be all depressed and stuff today, remembering that Angel was removed from my care exactly two years ago today. Funny how despite the plans that I try to make my Higher Power always seems to know better! Who'd a thunk that I , Lushgurl, would wake up today full of gratitude, feeling somewhat contented and looking forward to my day? It really is a miracle of 'not me' porportions (how the heck is that spelled?). I have a confession to make though, because I am trying to live an honest life today, and I'm feeling a little guilty that I have received so many great wishes and love from my blogging buddies... OK, here goes, for better or for worse..I don't ACTUALLY celebrate 9 months of sobriety until tomorrow! There, I've told my dirty little secret! I sure hope you all don't come back and delete all the wonderful little thingys you had to say to me... Please!!!! I will most likely make it to tomorrow at this point, and I have yet another example of HIM working to help get me there. Are Ya Ready?
OK, so I have shared before about the job I had last year and how I didn't want to quit working there to go into treatment because surely without ME, the business would close. Do any of you remember? Any way, I know that really I was just looking for an excuse to not go to treatment, and I know that YOU already knew that too right? I guess in that I am not actually all that different! HHMMMPPHHH! The point is though that I somehow got to the point where even though I loved my job, some stuff took place that allowed me to see things from a different perspective...
A) after running the Deli by myself for over a month, we finally hired a new employee (at my request)
B) I trained said employee and gave kudos about her to my boss, thought I had made the right decision
C) I still loved my job, did it very well and heard complaints about 'other gurl' which I handled to the best of my ability
D) I gave MYSELF the title of Ass't Manager, without a pay raise 'cause I was more important than other gurl!
E) Other gurl became annoyed and joined bosses' gurlfriend for Bitch Olympics
F) I called staff meeting to address issues
G) Boss DEMOTED me and took away one of my shifts
H) I pulled a hissy fit and quit with only three days notice... surely Boss would see errors of his ways and beg me to not quit and offer me a pay raise to stay!
I) didn't get offered pay raise, didn't get begged to stay, found myself without a job!
J) drank myself into oblivion for the next two months... boo hoo poor me!!!
K) decided to call Rideauwood treatment program to get sober, at long last
L) found out that Deli did indeed close in May HAH I knew they needed me!
M) attended treatment in June....woohooo
N) have been trudging the road of recovery ever since
OK, so I think you get the picture huh? The thing is I will probably never know exactly why the Deli closed but my over-inflated ego is convinced that it is because I left. There were many times that I felt very guilty about how I quit and the fact that the Deli was no longer around. I even considered calling the boss and begging him to give me another chance to make it work. Thankfully I had many people around to point out how insane this idea actually would be! My boss was my pot dealer, I usually got paid in product if ya know what I mean, and with all the pay advances to buy my alcohol, I would end up owing him at the end of every month...not just a little f-ed up I'd say!
Fast forward to February 28 2007.... I am out paying bills and picking up stuff I need for the month. This USED to include a trip to the liquor store to celebrate, you know, nothing in particular, but since I had extra money at the end of the month, what better to spend it on than extra booze? So in my travels yesterday, I am in the vicinity of the liquor store and up until a couple of months ago, I still got the thought in my head of an old tradition, never acted on it, but still, it would be there in my head! To my amazement though THE LIQUOR STORE IS CLOSED!!! I actually laughed out loud when I discovered this! I don't regularily question that my HP is working in my life, but come on!!!! I wasn't even a little sad about my dicovery, instead I felt kind of relieved. I used to walk to the liquor store to save on bus fare, sometimes I would order it to be delivered if I was feeling rich. It was so close by, easy access, I could partake in my purchases on the way home, a good deal all around. When I finally did quit drinking I told myself " If you can walk to the liquor store in a snow storm, then you have no excuse to not get to a meeting" and this works for me, and in fact, most of the meetings I go to are closer than the liquor store was!
So it seems that as usual my Higher Power has seen fit to remind me that for me, AA IS THE EASIER SOFTER WAY! I might even venture out with a couple of resume's today 'cause the novelty of being broke all the time is not what it once was (read it sucks to wake up so poor everyday!)
Daily reflections for today...
It works, it really does
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.88
When I got sober I initially had faith only in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Desperation and fear kept me sober (and maybe a caring and/or tough sponsor helped!) Faith in a Higher Power came much later. This faith came slowly at first, after I began listening to others share at meetings about their experiences- experiences that I had never faced sober, but they were facing with strength from a Higher Power. Out of their sharing came hope that I too would- and could- "get" a Higher Power. In time, I learned that a Higher Power, a faith that works under all conditions- is possible. Today this faith, plus an honesty, open mindedness and a willingness to work the steps of the Program, gives me the serenity that I seek. It works- it really does!
In my part of the world March is 'in like a lamb' so I think I'll go and enjoy another gorgeous day out doors.... Have a great one too Y'all!
I just had to come back to add, that I am crying tears of gratitude and joy right now, after doing some more blog-stalking. I realize how incredibly blessed I am today, with all my new friends who love and care for each other so very much. THIS is what makes it all worthwhile!!!
cyber *GROUP HUGS* TO all
OK, so I have shared before about the job I had last year and how I didn't want to quit working there to go into treatment because surely without ME, the business would close. Do any of you remember? Any way, I know that really I was just looking for an excuse to not go to treatment, and I know that YOU already knew that too right? I guess in that I am not actually all that different! HHMMMPPHHH! The point is though that I somehow got to the point where even though I loved my job, some stuff took place that allowed me to see things from a different perspective...
A) after running the Deli by myself for over a month, we finally hired a new employee (at my request)
B) I trained said employee and gave kudos about her to my boss, thought I had made the right decision
C) I still loved my job, did it very well and heard complaints about 'other gurl' which I handled to the best of my ability
D) I gave MYSELF the title of Ass't Manager, without a pay raise 'cause I was more important than other gurl!
E) Other gurl became annoyed and joined bosses' gurlfriend for Bitch Olympics
F) I called staff meeting to address issues
G) Boss DEMOTED me and took away one of my shifts
H) I pulled a hissy fit and quit with only three days notice... surely Boss would see errors of his ways and beg me to not quit and offer me a pay raise to stay!
I) didn't get offered pay raise, didn't get begged to stay, found myself without a job!
J) drank myself into oblivion for the next two months... boo hoo poor me!!!
K) decided to call Rideauwood treatment program to get sober, at long last
L) found out that Deli did indeed close in May HAH I knew they needed me!
M) attended treatment in June....woohooo
N) have been trudging the road of recovery ever since
OK, so I think you get the picture huh? The thing is I will probably never know exactly why the Deli closed but my over-inflated ego is convinced that it is because I left. There were many times that I felt very guilty about how I quit and the fact that the Deli was no longer around. I even considered calling the boss and begging him to give me another chance to make it work. Thankfully I had many people around to point out how insane this idea actually would be! My boss was my pot dealer, I usually got paid in product if ya know what I mean, and with all the pay advances to buy my alcohol, I would end up owing him at the end of every month...not just a little f-ed up I'd say!
Fast forward to February 28 2007.... I am out paying bills and picking up stuff I need for the month. This USED to include a trip to the liquor store to celebrate, you know, nothing in particular, but since I had extra money at the end of the month, what better to spend it on than extra booze? So in my travels yesterday, I am in the vicinity of the liquor store and up until a couple of months ago, I still got the thought in my head of an old tradition, never acted on it, but still, it would be there in my head! To my amazement though THE LIQUOR STORE IS CLOSED!!! I actually laughed out loud when I discovered this! I don't regularily question that my HP is working in my life, but come on!!!! I wasn't even a little sad about my dicovery, instead I felt kind of relieved. I used to walk to the liquor store to save on bus fare, sometimes I would order it to be delivered if I was feeling rich. It was so close by, easy access, I could partake in my purchases on the way home, a good deal all around. When I finally did quit drinking I told myself " If you can walk to the liquor store in a snow storm, then you have no excuse to not get to a meeting" and this works for me, and in fact, most of the meetings I go to are closer than the liquor store was!
So it seems that as usual my Higher Power has seen fit to remind me that for me, AA IS THE EASIER SOFTER WAY! I might even venture out with a couple of resume's today 'cause the novelty of being broke all the time is not what it once was (read it sucks to wake up so poor everyday!)
Daily reflections for today...
It works, it really does
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.88
When I got sober I initially had faith only in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Desperation and fear kept me sober (and maybe a caring and/or tough sponsor helped!) Faith in a Higher Power came much later. This faith came slowly at first, after I began listening to others share at meetings about their experiences- experiences that I had never faced sober, but they were facing with strength from a Higher Power. Out of their sharing came hope that I too would- and could- "get" a Higher Power. In time, I learned that a Higher Power, a faith that works under all conditions- is possible. Today this faith, plus an honesty, open mindedness and a willingness to work the steps of the Program, gives me the serenity that I seek. It works- it really does!
In my part of the world March is 'in like a lamb' so I think I'll go and enjoy another gorgeous day out doors.... Have a great one too Y'all!
I just had to come back to add, that I am crying tears of gratitude and joy right now, after doing some more blog-stalking. I realize how incredibly blessed I am today, with all my new friends who love and care for each other so very much. THIS is what makes it all worthwhile!!!
cyber *GROUP HUGS* TO all
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