AND THERE SHE WAS GONE...

Hmmmmph!!! I have been sick the last couple of weeks, feelin' better now, but let me tell you, in Lushgurls' world when it rains, it POURS ! So let me catch you all up, and at the risk of bein' a lyin' little lyin' liar, I dare say, I will then be by to begin stalking to y'all....

.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!

It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!

So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!

Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...

This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.

And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME

THE RETURN OF DELI GURL PART ONE

'Kay you all, I have so much to share and as usual no time to do it! Do you realize that it takes me about an hour to type, check and publish each and every post? LOL- I never claimed to be a whiz on the compy after all!!!

So, deli dude ended up taking an undisclosed amout of time off from the Deli. Boss man brought in a few other people to cover the loss of one employee, I work with one of the newbies directly, the others work the evening shift mainly in the store so I don't know them that well. If ya haven't guessed yet, I have been sooooo busy, I haven't even posted or visited anyone. Gawd. I so miss all of you, it's just at the best of times I have a tough time typing, and with all of my extra hours and responsibilities, my hands have been pretty swollen and useless by the time I actually make it home at night!

The good news/bad news is that I may be back to haunt you all sooner than I had originally thought! I don't yet know for sure, but I may be unemployed again! Check in for " Part Two ", as I have more info to fill in... for now I will leave with a gratitude list followed by a couple of pics of my not-so-pretty hands wearing a couple of rings that have a story to go with them...

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I have my relapse prevention group tonight
  
• I actually had a BIG craving to drink today, but chose NOT TO


• My daughter and I are having issues, but not killing each other today!


• to be healthy, happy and sober


• to have people in my life who love me unconditionally


• to be able to check in today and let all y'all know I am still alive and kickin'


• to be alive and kickin'
  Um, I know the pic is hard to see, but the ring on the left is one with my late fathers' birthstone in it- a topaz. A friend of AAngels found it and when I heard what it looked like I bought it from him for $20. On Thanksgiving (2nd Monday in October for us Canucks) I showed my mom, and told her that it made me feel like dad was still with me to have the ring on, so she gave me one with her birthstone (an emerald). Both of the rings have diamonds around the centre stone and are really pretty- it is like my own tribute to my mom and dad....

I AM NOW A WORKIN' GURL!

Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

***************************

Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

I'VE BEEN THINKING

So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.

FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...

Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

CAME, CAME TO, CAME TO BELIEVE...

Just in case you were wondering, this week I am working on Step Two. My sponsor has asked me to read it everyday this week, making note of anything that comes up for me while doing so. As I was reading, I kept thinking of my post title, and how a friend in the program described Step Two. He said. first he just came to meetings, his mind still a little foggy from all the years of drinking and using, not much could get in, and what did manage to penetrate his brain cells was just as quickly forgotten. After several months of regular attendance, the fog started to lift, he called this "coming to", as one who has been in a coma of sorts. He started to realize all of the things in life he had been missing while inibriated, and not just the outside stuff, but the feelings that had gone unfelt for so long. Coming to indeed! A while later, he started to hear people share how they had not done this alone, it was by turning to a Power greater than themselves that alcoholics found the strength and courage to stay sober One Day at a Time. This has always stayed with me, through the years when I was out doing more research into the evils of my disease. And for me just knowing that He was out there waiting for me to come back home, made it somewhat easier this third, and last time around in recovery.

Last night I attended a medallion night at Rideauwood, the facility where I attended treatment and where I go for relapse prevention and counselling. You could feel the serenity in the room, the joy was palpable, and the gratitude expressed by all who shared and received medallions for completing one year in the program. The folks at Rideauwood truly saved my life, I have no doubt that , had they not taken me back, I would surely not be here posting today. Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, for those who want to read it...

The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and grace to deal constructively with whatever fear remains.
As Bill Sees It pg. 61

Most of my decisions were based on fear. Alcohol made life easier to face, but the time came when alcohol was no longer an alternative to fear. One of the greatest gifts in AA for me has been the courage to take action, which I can do with God's help. After five years of sobriety I had to deal with a heavy dose of fear. God put the people in my life to help me do that and, through my working the Twelve Steps, I am becoming the whole person I wish to be and for that, I am deeply grateful.

On that note I will say bye for now, I have not been stalking y'all like I used to, and a really good friend mentioned it to me last night. I don't know who had the presence of mind to teach me how to link to you guys, but now I have no excuses, like I lost your number! I have a lot of reading to catch up on! Love you ALL!

THE EASIER SOFTER WAY

That is the title of today's Daily Reflections' reading, let's see if any of it relates to me or you...

If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 72

I certainly didn't leap at the opportunity to face who I was, especially when the pains of my drinking days hung over me like a dark cloud. But I soon heard at the meetings about the fellow members who just didn't want to take Step Five and kept coming back to meetings, trembling from the horrors of reliving his past. The easier, softer way is to take these Steps to freedom from our fatal disease, and to put our faith in the fellowship and our Higher Power.

Yup, this works for me! I have often shared in the rooms, how I have found AA to be the easier, softer way. When I think back to all the creative ways I found to avoid myself, my feelings, my actions, and how much more pain I would cause for myself and all the people around me, I know that MY way wasn't working very well at all. Today I feel so much freer, I have faith that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time to face myself and my defects of character, it will never be as bad as it could be to avoid them. All of the covering up, the back peddling in a vain attempt to save face. All of the remorseful thoughts, the "really wish I hadn't done , said or thought that". WOW, way too much work for me! Today I am lucky to have all of the experiences of my past failures, the lessons I can learn from them, and the other members of the program to help and guide me. Of course I also have a loving and patient God who gently reminds me that I don't have to hurt me to learn from my mistakes.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I have found an easier , softer way of life
• there are many people I can call to share my doubts and fears with
• my HP never gave up on trying to lead me to where I am today
• I got to spend Mother's Day with my Angel, and share my love with her
• today is another wonderful sunny day
• I have even more stuff blooming in my garden
• Today I can choose to NOT have a "whinefest"
• if I am tired, I can rest
• if I am sad I can cry
• if I am happy I can share my happiness with others
• all of my clean and sober friends who walk the path with me...that means YOU
• my sponsor , who shares all of her E, S and H with me
• A soft place to fall, and a gentle nudge to help me up again

Happy Monday to all today!

ENTERING A NEW DIMENSION

I have been blessed in my life that a couple of struggling alcoholics have reached out to me lately. Make no mistake, I do not take this lightly, nor do I let this be a measure of my own importance. I have had some really rough times in recovery, as we all have had. I have felt the need to go back out there on a number of occasions too, as a few of us have. I am no different, no better, no worse than any of my fellow AA's. If in any way I can impact the life of just one person suffering from this disease, then my work has only just begun. If , in my life, I can carry the message that for me, AA IS the easier, softer way, then perhaps I am doing a little giving back. We can only keep what we have so graciously been given if we give it away. For me that means embracing this program of recovery and all of the promises that have come true for me today. It means I will ask only to know what His will is for me and to have the courage to carry this out. It means I will love and accept myself today, in all my freakishness and all of my imperfections, because as a good friend often reminds me, I AM God's baby gurl!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension- freedom under God as we understand Him.
As Bill Sees It pg.283

I am fortunate to be among the ones who have had this awesome transformation in my life. When I entered the doors of AA, alone and desperate, I had been beaten into willingness to believe anything I heard. One of the things I heard was "This could be your last hangover, or you can keep going round and round." The man who said this obviously was a whole lot better off than I. I liked the idea of admitting defeat and I have been free ever since! My heart heard what my mind never could: "Being powerless over alcohol is no big deal." I'm free and I'm grateful!

I remember so many years ago, at the very first meeting that I had found the courage to take that mile long walk and receive my first white chip. The man who was doing the chips that night said "This is a full refund guarantee, if the results of this program are not satisfactory to you, you can return to your misery." Everybody laughed at his humour, but at the time I thought, how ridiculous, who in their right minds would choose to go back to all of the misery that drinking caused us. The answer is simple for me today: No one!!! If and when we make a decision to pick up that first drink or drug, we are not in our right minds. For me my right mind includes allowing my HP to lead me, having gratitude for the absence of the obsession to use and carrying the message in all of my affairs!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following:

• that there are people today that want what I have
• that there are many people out there whose program I desire- serenity, self acceptance, many 24 hours of recovery
• that dAAve pointed out that my video distracted him from reading my post- Hey dAAve...I disabled it just for you!
• I live in a safe and loving home today
• I have been eating actual food for breakfast
• I am free from the obsession to drink/use today
• all of my wonderful AA friends who share their E, S and H with me, and their difficulties too!
• I am learning to not judge me for the mistakes I make, but to find out what I can learn from them
• ALL OF YOU!!!

LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

In today's Daily Refflection's it talks about two things that cannot live together in the same heart...

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there". I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is " the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear". Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realilze that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so. I think for me it started with the news of more Canadians killed in Afghanistan, then the controversy surrounding Don Imus and his racial slurs against the young womens' basketball team, and more recently the tragic shooting that took place in the Virginia college. All of these things have been fighting to shake my belief in a loving God, as I understand Him. For most of my life I had the belief that God "would get me" if I was 'bad', and it seemed that I was bad more than I was good. My cousins, who were Catholic used to tell me that not only would I go to Hell because I hadn't been baptized, but I was ripe for the picking of the devil because of this. So I lived in constant, excruciating fear. At night I would pray to God to save me, I didn't want to go to Hell, I knew I was already there. When I was molested I was told, in not so many words that "I was Bad", it was my fault, so I figured that I would surely burn in everlasting damnation if I were to take my own life, which is what I really wanted to do.

I think, as a little gurl, the fact that my mom had taken me to Sunday school saved my butt on many an occasion. The stories I heard there were stories of hope and miracles. It was a loving God who gave His son to pay for the sins of man. At night, I would pray to this God to make my life more bearable, I didn't know if He heard me, but it made me feel better just having the hope that Someone was there to hear my pleas. Somehow, deep down inside I believed that my life would get better. I never knew how or when, just that the hope of better things ahead, carried me through the toughest times in life. A therapist once told me that "there is not room, in the same heart, for hope and fear". Today I am reminded of this in my daily readings and also when I hear of all the tragedies in the world around us.

I know in my heart that I cannot do anything to change you, your beliefs, or your actions. Yes I am powerless over any and all things that are not me. I do believe, however that if I can 'keep my side of the street clean', that maybe my neighbor will be motivated to do the same. If I always treat you with love and respect, then perhaps you will pass this along to the people you come in contact with in your day. If I never give up on doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do, I have to believe that my life will not be lived in vain. So today I pray for all people who live in fear, that they may find the peace that hope that a loving God can bring. I pray that those who are hurting will know that they will experience freedom fom pain one day. I pray that I can remain clean and sober so that I can share my hope and joy with others' who may have lost theirs today.... I wish you all peace and joy and love today.

WOO HOO, THE BOYS ARE BACK!!!

let's go bluejays, let's go!

In honour of "MY Blue jays" I will do my summer blog writings in blue! I just love baseball season! As if the green stuff starting to grow was not enough to get me in a great mood, the beginning of baseball season is like the whipped cream and cherry on top of the sundae! My poor daughter was neglected not only by my drug and alcohol use, now she'll hafta learn to talk to me in a whole new way. No my Angel, as I see it, that is three strikes for you...YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!... FOUL (ball)...I really believe in dreams coming true, and my dream is to see my boys win a World Series at the (formally known as) Sky Dome.

In '92 I was still living in Barrie where Angel was born. I was in the program, it was a wonderful year, my baby and I went to meetings almost everyday. And when my boys won the World Series I was clean and sober, and cried like a baby myself! '93 was also a good year for me, we had just moved back to my home in Ottawa, I was still in the program, still clean and sober. I was once again close to my mom and sister and my cousins, who I missed so much when living in T.O. and Barrie. And of course, my Boys won the Series again!

Not too long after moving back to Ottawa, I started to smoke dope again, although I didn't drink. I had started seeing a guy who (I believe) was an alcoholic, and he smoked a lot, so I did with him! We were together for about a year and a half. It was the beginning of another slide into Hell for me. It seemed that whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I would lose myself. I became whoever it was that they wanted me to be. I would compromise my own morals and beliefs for the sake of the other person- to make them happy. I would get to the point where I no longer knew what I wanted, what was important to me. Today I don't regret the relationships that I had been in that were so unhealthy for me. I can look back and see how I learned from the experience. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get this far!

I am at the point in my life I think, where although I do miss having that special someone in my life, I am truly starting to enjoy my own company! I can do what I want, when I want to. I can come and go as I please. I can go out with gurl friends and flirt with guy friends, I can stay in my pj's all day if I want to! I never really thought I was even capable of being happy All By Self! I didn't know that it was something that was even allowed. At almost forty six years young, I am no longer looking outside of me for someone or something to make my life complete...I am complete! I no longer look without, for something or someone to make me happy...I am happy! I no longer wish that I had learned these lessons earlier in life, I am able to be grateful today, that I know all this stuff. And grateful to be able to continue learning as I go. And grateful for the Boys of summer in their HOTT baseball uniforms...and another win too!

I guess that's it for now, a relatively short and sweet post, just like the author!! See you all later!

I LOVE MY BLOG WORLD!

Here we are March 1st already. I was prepared to be all depressed and stuff today, remembering that Angel was removed from my care exactly two years ago today. Funny how despite the plans that I try to make my Higher Power always seems to know better! Who'd a thunk that I , Lushgurl, would wake up today full of gratitude, feeling somewhat contented and looking forward to my day? It really is a miracle of 'not me' porportions (how the heck is that spelled?). I have a confession to make though, because I am trying to live an honest life today, and I'm feeling a little guilty that I have received so many great wishes and love from my blogging buddies... OK, here goes, for better or for worse..I don't ACTUALLY celebrate 9 months of sobriety until tomorrow! There, I've told my dirty little secret! I sure hope you all don't come back and delete all the wonderful little thingys you had to say to me... Please!!!! I will most likely make it to tomorrow at this point, and I have yet another example of HIM working to help get me there. Are Ya Ready?

OK, so I have shared before about the job I had last year and how I didn't want to quit working there to go into treatment because surely without ME, the business would close. Do any of you remember? Any way, I know that really I was just looking for an excuse to not go to treatment, and I know that YOU already knew that too right? I guess in that I am not actually all that different! HHMMMPPHHH! The point is though that I somehow got to the point where even though I loved my job, some stuff took place that allowed me to see things from a different perspective...

A) after running the Deli by myself for over a month, we finally hired a new employee (at my request)
B) I trained said employee and gave kudos about her to my boss, thought I had made the right decision
C) I still loved my job, did it very well and heard complaints about 'other gurl' which I handled to the best of my ability
D) I gave MYSELF the title of Ass't Manager, without a pay raise 'cause I was more important than other gurl!
E) Other gurl became annoyed and joined bosses' gurlfriend for Bitch Olympics
F) I called staff meeting to address issues
G) Boss DEMOTED me and took away one of my shifts
H) I pulled a hissy fit and quit with only three days notice... surely Boss would see errors of his ways and beg me to not quit and offer me a pay raise to stay!
I) didn't get offered pay raise, didn't get begged to stay, found myself without a job!
J) drank myself into oblivion for the next two months... boo hoo poor me!!!
K) decided to call Rideauwood treatment program to get sober, at long last
L) found out that Deli did indeed close in May HAH I knew they needed me!
M) attended treatment in June....woohooo
N) have been trudging the road of recovery ever since

OK, so I think you get the picture huh? The thing is I will probably never know exactly why the Deli closed but my over-inflated ego is convinced that it is because I left. There were many times that I felt very guilty about how I quit and the fact that the Deli was no longer around. I even considered calling the boss and begging him to give me another chance to make it work. Thankfully I had many people around to point out how insane this idea actually would be! My boss was my pot dealer, I usually got paid in product if ya know what I mean, and with all the pay advances to buy my alcohol, I would end up owing him at the end of every month...not just a little f-ed up I'd say!

Fast forward to February 28 2007.... I am out paying bills and picking up stuff I need for the month. This USED to include a trip to the liquor store to celebrate, you know, nothing in particular, but since I had extra money at the end of the month, what better to spend it on than extra booze? So in my travels yesterday, I am in the vicinity of the liquor store and up until a couple of months ago, I still got the thought in my head of an old tradition, never acted on it, but still, it would be there in my head! To my amazement though THE LIQUOR STORE IS CLOSED!!! I actually laughed out loud when I discovered this! I don't regularily question that my HP is working in my life, but come on!!!! I wasn't even a little sad about my dicovery, instead I felt kind of relieved. I used to walk to the liquor store to save on bus fare, sometimes I would order it to be delivered if I was feeling rich. It was so close by, easy access, I could partake in my purchases on the way home, a good deal all around. When I finally did quit drinking I told myself " If you can walk to the liquor store in a snow storm, then you have no excuse to not get to a meeting" and this works for me, and in fact, most of the meetings I go to are closer than the liquor store was!

So it seems that as usual my Higher Power has seen fit to remind me that for me, AA IS THE EASIER SOFTER WAY! I might even venture out with a couple of resume's today 'cause the novelty of being broke all the time is not what it once was (read it sucks to wake up so poor everyday!)

Daily reflections for today...
It works, it really does
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.88

When I got sober I initially had faith only in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Desperation and fear kept me sober (and maybe a caring and/or tough sponsor helped!) Faith in a Higher Power came much later. This faith came slowly at first, after I began listening to others share at meetings about their experiences- experiences that I had never faced sober, but they were facing with strength from a Higher Power. Out of their sharing came hope that I too would- and could- "get" a Higher Power. In time, I learned that a Higher Power, a faith that works under all conditions- is possible. Today this faith, plus an honesty, open mindedness and a willingness to work the steps of the Program, gives me the serenity that I seek. It works- it really does!

In my part of the world March is 'in like a lamb' so I think I'll go and enjoy another gorgeous day out doors.... Have a great one too Y'all!

I just had to come back to add, that I am crying tears of gratitude and joy right now, after doing some more blog-stalking. I realize how incredibly blessed I am today, with all my new friends who love and care for each other so very much. THIS is what makes it all worthwhile!!!
cyber *GROUP HUGS* TO all