...HERE I AM !!!

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• to know that God loves me unconditionally
• for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
• to feel healthy today
• AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
• I have everything I need, and then some
• to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
• Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
• for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
• all of YOU !!!!

FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...

Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

IT'S A JUNGLE IN HERE!

I had a using dream last night. I haven't had one for many years, since the last time I attempted this recovery thing. I think it is because tomorrow is officially my one year clean and sober. So in this dream, I actually have no memory of the using part- big surprise there! But I was with my new sponsor, in a school or something, and I felt VERY stoned. The thing is, because I had no memory of using, I denied that I was stoned. I definately did not like how it felt, it was like I was bordering on a major anxiety attack, so out of control... I didn't like the fact that I had to lie to cover it up either. When I woke up, I still felt at odds with me, guilty almost. So I went to take some more pictures of my garden. The first one I named "It's a jungle out here" and the second "My garden Angel". The first represents how I felt when I first woke up, and the second is a reminder to me, of how this program can be full of miracles, when we choose to see them.

Here is today's Daily Reflection, and maybe it is another message from my Higher Power on this eve of my one year...

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and people is changing. For me, the first "A" in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second "A" in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular AA action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober!

Today I am extremely grateful for the following...

• my attitude and outlook has begun to change


• to be chairing my home group for the month of June- my way of carrying the message


• to choose the speakers for June- I have decided to hear some women speak- Five of 'em!


• the jungle in my back yard does not represent my crowded mind!


• I can fill my days with activity instead of fear


• if I have everything I need, and then some, I can share with others


• today I have everything I need and then some!


• me, clean and sober for one year = a miracle in my world


• now that Angel has decided to come home, I have the opportunity to be the mom that she needs and deserves


• all of the comments (support) to my bloggy and my recovery- I never could have done this without you


• today I cry tears of gratitude, not remorse


• each and every one of YOU- I so love you guys!!!

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

• I was able to post to HNT for the second time!


• the cleansing tears that I have shed


• for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life


• I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober


• the road I walk upon is always changing for the better


• we are not alone in our trAAvels


• someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person


• today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be


• I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it


• I want to take care of me today- what a change !


• for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here: http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

IT'S ALL GOOD TODAY

In case anyone was wonderin'... I'm a Blue Jays fan! See more HNT madness here ...
http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yup, I'm back! The me with the eternal optimism, the me who loves life, the me who is grateful to wake up, it's all in there today. I had made a mistake yesterday thinking I had my therapy appointment, but it was actually the day before- ooops! And last night I went to my relapse prevention group to find that I was the only client to show up! It worked out OK though, because I got to talk to the counsellor and the co-facilitator all by self! That's what I'm all about, me, me, me!!! Needless to say, group ended early due to the fact it was a group of one, so I got to come home and watch some of my Jays game before my date with my mom. On my way home, I ran into an old drinking/drugging buddie. He was going through a really bad time and was waiting to get into a 28 day treatment program. He knew I was in the program and asked for my number, he said he wants to get sober but can't do it alone, and was afraid of going to meetings alone... I guess God put me in his path yesterday!

My date with mom was fun. She had given me some money to play bingo with, and some extra to tide me over for the month. Anyway, I would have argued with her, and not taken the extra in the old days, or I would have taken it and spent it on booze or drugs. But yesterday I just said thank you. I know that my mom can afford it and it makes her feel good to help me out this way, so it worked out for both of us. Long story short, I ended up winning at bingo, so I gave my mom half and still had lots left over for me and Angel this weekend. I think since I no longer worry about having money because I always have everything I need, that my HP was sending me a gift of extra! All in all, a really good day.

Here is the reading from 24 Hours A Day...

A lot of well meaning people treat alcoholics like the priest and the Levite. They pass by on the other side by scorning them and telling them what low people they are, with no willpower. Whereas, they really have fallen for alcohol, in the same way as the man in the story fell among the robbers. And the member of AA who is working with others is like the Good Samaritan. Am I moved with compassion? Do I take care of another alcoholic whenever I can?

I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is preparation for something better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow that understanding joy tells of confident expectation of better things to come. "Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come.

I pray that when life is over, I will return to an eternal, spaceless life with God. I pray that I may make this life a preparedness for a better life to come.

As today's post was rather long I will skip writing out my gratitude list, just know that today I am filled with gratitude and love for all of the blessings I have in my life...and for all of YOU too! Happy HNT!

I'M STALKIN', YES INDEED....I'M STALKIN'....

Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• That I don't regret my past anymore
• my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
• we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
• my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
• I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
• MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
• my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
• all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
• for each and every one of YOU
• that I am clean and sober for another day

See ya all later, peace out...

BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN RECOVERY

Today I am happy to announce the return of our favourite cupcake, to visit her click here.
http://postcardsfromthecupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/

Today's Daily Reflection reminds me again of how much we all really have in common, not only on the journey to recovery, but also in everyday life:

We recovered alcoholics are not so much brothers/sisters in virtue as we are brothers/sisters in our defects, and in our common strivings to overcome these.
As Bill Sees It pg.167

The identification that one alcoholic has with another is mysterious, spiritual- almost incomprehensible. But it is there , I "feel"it. Today I feel that I can help people and that they can help me. It is a new and exciting feeling for me to care for someone; to care what they are feeling, hoping for, praying for; to know their sadness, joy, horror, sorrow, grief; to want to share those feelings so that someone can have relief. I never knew how to do this- or how to try. I never even cared. The fellowship of AA, and God, are teaching me how to care about others.

I can so relate to this! When I do my daily blog-stalking, I look forward to hearing about all of you. How is your day going? Have you solved the problem that was causing you pain? I actually care. I don't worry incessantly about you , because I know you are safely in the hands of God. I don't want for you to be OK because I want something from you, no, I actually want for you to be peaceful and happy, the same thing I want for me! It is a freedom for me to share the things that are causing me unhappiness today, and to lessen your burdens by being there to hear your stuff. With all of my defects of character, I am still welcomed into AA and this loving blogger community, just as I welcome you. With that I will share my gratitude list for today...

• I am very grateful to wake up at 7:30!!! without a hangover
• for all of my sober blogging buddies who share their E, S and H with me today
• that my womens' meeting goes tonight
• that MY Boys are playing at 12:30 today, so I won't miss the game
• that the Sens are once again doing well in the play-offs (even though they'll probably CHOKE in the end!)
• that I have an answereing machine so I can play phone tag with the Maven
• the weather is quite spring like today
• my garden is growing strong and healthy, and I know how to post pictures of it on my blog
• I have a safe home to call my own today
• my Angel will spend one day of her weekend with me this week
• that people love and care enough to comment on my little bloggy...

So I wish all of you a happy, joyous and free from drugs and alcohol day. I plan to have one myself!

FAMILY- BY BLOOD OR CHOICE

As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:

• I am clean and sober
• I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
• a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
• I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
• my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
• all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
• I have a safe place to call home today
• my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
• I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
• my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
• I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
• tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

BACK TO COURT I GO!

This morning I was up and out the door bright and early (for me) to be at court for 9:30. I am feeling so much better lately and of course it doesn't bother me at all that the sun is out shining. The birds are chirping in the trees, the snow is finally beginning to melt...spring is in the air. Of course, this being Ottawa, I have not yet succombed to the urge to pack away my winter clothes. We here are smart, after all, when it comes to the weather, we know that every year Mother Nature will try to fool us into believing that the very long winter is actually over, only to have another foot of snow dumped on us in April!! HAH, take THAT Mother Nature, I am just going to enjoy the beautiful weather that is here while still dressed in my winter attire!

I just love the longer days. I love listening to the birds chirping outside, and my little Jenny bird calling out to them "hello!" Yup, it seems that somehow, I have managed to survive the long, cold, dark days of winter without a deep depression that has taken me down in the past. I am trying my best to just BE, you know, like not asking too many questions ie: Why is my life so good lately? or OK what will go wrong now? This I admit, is all very new behaviour for me, as I am sure some of you know! I have never felt contented to just have a regular kind of life. In the past I have even been known to create chaos or crisis where none existed before just so I could feel 'normal'. It sounds pretty f-d up, I know, but somehow I just never felt OK with being OK! Well, there goes AA working in my life again!!!

Yeah, so at court the lawyers (mine and Angels) both asked for another continuance, of two weeks. Funny how last year I felt such outrage every time there was a change in THE PLANS. After all I was barely able to hang on to my sanity and I kept thinking 'surely THEY will realize what a mistake THEY made by taking my kid away, any day now THEY will say she can come home'. But, of course that was not to be. As I have said many times, I did stop using coke but had no intention of giving up my other vices, it took me quite a while to admit that my life was unmanageable and then more time to have the desire to do something about it.ON this Friday (by the Grace of God) I will have 9 months of continuous clean and sober living...WOW!!! I am looking forward to getting up and taking my yellow chip to show the new(er)comers that there is hope. And to show the oldtimers how far they have come. Good stuff all around, I'd say! The point is that I am working toward having my child move back home, that is what I want, but I am willing to negotiate today in HER best interest.

Not that long ago Angel told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to 'come home'. I was hurt and angry and whined at length about it on my blog. Since then, we have had several conversations to that effect. Today I GET that she is afraid of so many things, I have on more than one occasion, told her I wouldn't use or drink again, and I have on more than one occasion, gone back to doing just what I promised I wouldn't do. Who can blame her for not exactly trusting me this time? The difference for me is that I have made NO promises today. I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, I am going to meetings, reaching out to others, telling all my secrets and most importantly, not using. That is all I can do for today. I do hope and pray that Angel will come home, but I am not in control of the outcome. I am grateful for that today, it was a lot of pressure thinking I had so much control!

As per usual I want to share from my "Daily Reflections"...

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone's shared experiences became the subject for treasured friendships. I know that the fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset with many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in the fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

What a great way to continue on with my day... until later, my friends...HUGS to ALL!