FRIENDS, LOVERS, FELLOW AA'ERS...

Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

FAMILY- BY BLOOD OR CHOICE

As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:

• I am clean and sober
• I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
• a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
• I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
• my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
• all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
• I have a safe place to call home today
• my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
• I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
• my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
• I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
• tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

ATTENTION SEEKING AT IT'S FINEST!

This is from today's Daily Reflection's...

Demands made on other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion....
Twelve steps and Twelve Traditions pg.44

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this "need" can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, But I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.
Similarily, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the AA program, my aim is to improve my character.

I had started a post yesterday, and had got as far as typing out the reading, then I realized I really did not have that much to say! I know that is a little hard to belive about me, but truth be told, not that long ago I would have posted anyway, making it up as I went along. I think that for me, this stems from my need for approval. Which just happens to tie in with the reading for today. I know that I lived my life wanting someone, anyone to tell me I was OK- or not! The thing I have realized is that there was never going to be enough approval to make me feel ok with myself. A hundred people could have told me how great I was,what a good job I had done, how sweet, pretty, thin, loving, etc etc etc...but it was ALWAYS the one negative thing I heard that would consume my thoughts! It used to drive me crazy! Even as I am typing this, I am coming to see that I am changing- slowly, but changing I am.

When I was little, I had my mother's undivided attention for about three years, my father was away a lot ( he was a sailor) and my sister had not yet been born. My mother really doted on me! To her I was like a little doll that she could dress up and play with (she never had a doll when she was little). My mother loved me so much, and with a husband that was often away, or drunk when he was home, I became a great source for my mom's self esteem. She would sew me clothes and knit clothes for my dolls. She would dress me up and take me out, and with my red hair, I guess I receved quite a bit of attention. About the same time as my sister was born, my father had stopped most of his travels at sea. I quickly learned that I would never again get that constant attention and approval from any one. But that didn't stop me from trying!

I think for me, I learned that I had to do whatever it took to get people to pay attention to me. When someone did notice me, it was not usually for a good reason, as in all the sexual abuse I suffered. When I got a little older I started to act out, so again, I was paid attention to, but not in a good way. The thing is, kids will do anything to get someone to "look at me, pay attention to ME". I learned that I got far more attention for being 'bad' than for being good. It became what I was used to, not neccesarily what I wanted or even liked...

There are still many days when I find myself looking outside for that attention/approval that I so needed as a child, the difference is that today I can more easily recognize this and do something to change my thoughts or actions and just give myself the attention and love that I want. Talk about changing!

As I have mentioned, I have once again started looking for a job. I started thinking about it way back in November, when I asked for assistance with my resume. By January I had bought a printer so I could easily access and print up a resume from home. In March I edited my resume and worked on adding various cover letters, some customized ( for Starbucks, Home Depot and Pharma Plus) and I also wrote up some generic cover letters. Yesterday, I dropped off my very first one..... I will wait for the applause to die down before I continue.....

Yes that's right folks, Lushgurl has now entered the journey into the job search world. The only thing I had not yet done was to contact my former boss. Fear had kept me from making this phone call- fear of rejection, fear of being told to F- off, fear of finding that I could not use him as a reference... So today. after I had read my readings, had a bowl of cereal, and a few simple words of prayer, I picked up that hundred pound phone (a phrase borrowed from Sober Steve), and called my old boss. He actually sounded surprised and, dare I say Happy? to hear from me! What's up with that? I explained that I was looking for work again and asked if I could expect a good reference from him or if I should ask people to not call him, he said "I will be happy to give you a very good reference!". We spoke briefly for a few minutes, he told me that he was glad that things were going well for me and wished me the best of luck...

Today I am going to see my counsellor and I will be armed with more resumes to drop off. Ya never know, I may actually be one step closer to earning my keep! I have hope today. I know that not everyone will like me or approve of me, but today I love and approve of myself. I think that maybe I am starting to grow up a bit...is that OK? LOL

Hey, I just noticed that this is my forty sixth post and I am turning forty six this year, I wonder if that MEANS anything- other than I am a freak....and Hey... I just got a note from John W congratulating me on my ten months clean and sober ...DUUUUHHH, I didn't even remember LOL