...Life as Lushgurl...: personal inventory

Showing posts with label personal inventory. Show all posts

Sunday, September 23, 2007

ME, SELF-WILLED?

Well, I have had a week ! It is always a good thing to actually be here to have a week, that being said though, I often wonder if I am in some way creating chaos in my own life. It seems that I go from famine to feast, from utter despair to infinite joy, from poverty to wealth (LOL). That is why I renamed my blog to ...Life as Lushgurl...

I am still enjoying my job. It is a very fast paced Deli, we must get over a hundred customers between 11:00 and 2:00. and there are two of us working in the Deli part, and over the last three weeks, we have found a way to be an incredible team. My co-worker, I'll call him Deli-dude, has been there for over four years now, for most of the four years he has done the job alone. He is quite young, at only 24 , but he has a strong dedication to the satisfaction of his customers. Deli-dude has a work ethic much like my own, he always puts the customers needs first, he is all about making the best sandwich in the least amount of time. He is not so big on the appearance of the Deli though, as we are often so busy that things get dropped on the floor, or we need to have something filled, and that is where I have found my niche. And then there is the boss/owner of the place...

The Deli is actually a part of a somewhat large corner store. The owner has been there for probably 20 years or so, and has become known in these here parts as THEE place to go for delicious food, served quickly. I think this man is some form of genious. Many corner stores offer a variety of over-priced items that one might run out of and not want to travel to a larger grocery store to get. But owner-guy tapped into the need for more in his quest for a successful life in Canada. At first glance, it may seem to be a Deli like any other, but you soon come to realize that this is no ordinary eatery. We must have about 20 different types of Deli meats, all sliced to order as a sanwich or a take home item. We also serve a variety of fresh, home made salads, muffins and desserts. What he is known for, is his chicken, bacon and avocado sandwich, topped with his own mixture of mustard/mayo and black pepper sauce. Every morning Deli-dude and I make up about 50 different sanwiches ahead of time for super quick grab-and-go access. These pre-mades always sell out within an hour, plus we have many regular patrons coming in for their own selections, and lots of new faces every day!

On Friday, Deli-dude did not come in to work. He starts an hour before I do, so by the time I arrive, all of the days' meats have been cut, the veggies for the sanwiches have been prepared, and he has begun to assemble the pre-mades. When I get there, I take care of making sure that the preparation area is clean and fully stocked. I make up a huge batch of sauce, sweep the floor, put random stuff away and make up a fresh batch of tuna salad. We work side by side preparing the pre-made sanwiches, the boss cuts our bread ( he primarily uses egg bread that we get fresh from the bakery in un-sliced loaves) and he serves the customers at the cash. The three of us run a pretty good thing all working together but separately, so when Deli-dude took an un-schedualed day off, the whole system was thrown out of whack. When I arrived at 10:00, none of the prep-work was done. We didn't have enough sauce made up to get the pre-mades ready, there had been no meats or bread cut for the daily customer orders and the Deli was a MESSS! Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about taking orders from the boss, however, Deli-dude and I have established a system that is quick, efficient and geared to the pleasure of our patrons...

I suppose Boss man has made his millions (?) by being money conscious, along with his special sandwich which is not sold anywhere else in the city of Ottawa... but I am a Deli-gurl at heart, and I know from experience that a little extra goes a long way in keeping the regulars happy as well as bringing in new customers and having them come back with their friends and families... Deli-dude, as I mentioned, has much the same work ethic as I, and Boss man worries about the bottom line, keepin costs down and profits up, and Deli-dude was not there on Friday! So I am doing my best to do all of the things that should have been done by the time I arrive, plus my own tasks, plus serving assorted customers as they arrive, plus make the pre-mades, and boss man is doing his best to serve people at the cash, cut the bread and critisize me for putting too much meat on the sandwiches, removing avocado and telling me in which order the sandwiches should be assembled! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH...

I am so thankful that I got to meet with my sponsor first thing on Saturday morning. She reminded me that I am not the boss of anything!!! Oh, and did I happen to mention that my 16 year old came home very drunk on Friday night??? This weekend I have been praying to let go of my need for control, the will to do His work better, and patience with those I must concede to! I wonder what today's Daily Reflection has to say ...

He {Bill W} said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 413- Third Edition

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counter-balance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA, I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.

So there you have it! I am planning to do the best I can today. I also want to say that I have visited only about a dozen of you from my friends links so far today, and I have more than forty!!! Who the heck PUT that many people there... Anyway, if I have not dropped by lately, I will do my best to get there within the next few days.... Love you all, and plan a great day!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'M NOT GETTING OLDER or I WON'T GROW UP!

My belly button birthday is coming up. Yesterday AAngel and I went to my mom's/ sister's place to celebrate my nieces' birthday, and mine too. I told my mom I really didn't want any fuss made over me, so we had a great BBQ dinner, and a cake made for little niece, and me. The visit was really cool. My mom lives with my sister and her family in a huge house in the country (sort of). Every time we go to visit there have been more improvements made, this time being the addition of a pool, it is an above ground pool to which they are adding a deck. The pool is lovely, big and oval shaped, and it is only five feet deep, so it is perfect for swimming in. The three gurls (AAngel, little niece and big niece, swam for about an hour, it was lots of fun watching them play together. After dinner and cake, gifts were brought out for little niece who just turned 4 and for AAngel (belated 16th from my sis), but nothing for me! Big baby that I am, I was hurt that I didn't receive any gifties or even a card from my mom!... maybe she'll mail me a birthday card...

So to help me to focus on what is important today, here is today's Daily Reflection...

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependance upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 116

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real "people addict" ; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work AA's Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

Yeah, OK, I get it sheeesh!!! It never ceases to amaze me how these readings, more times than not, address issues that I just happen to be dealing with at the time! Coincidence?- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT! Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

to be able to experience the joy (?) of another birthday
to have spent time with my loved ones
that I am happy for the life my mom and sister share
I can choose to stay stuck in the 'poor-mes', or not
tonight I get to go to my after care group, and an AA meeting
AAngel and I are truly blessed with love for each other
we have everything we need today, and then some
after numerous attempts this AM, I was finally able to access my bloggy!
all of you who share my experiences, fears and other craziness, and keep coming back
my fears are not nearly as bad as they used to be
turning 46 is not so bad after all!

I'll be stalking to y'all soon...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

JUST LOOKIN'

TodAAy I am just lookin' to see everything I can, if you want to see more, go here ...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/ , care to join me "seeing" what our HP wants for us todAAy? Here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Some of us, though tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

Twelve Steps and Twelve and Twelve Traditions pg.79

This step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper and the friends that I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable when I feel clean and light.

I can't even count the number of times I said that the only person I was hurting was me. In typical self centered form, I truly believed my own lies, it was easier at the time to hang onto resentments that allowed me to basically say "F*** them all anyways, my anger being the excuse to drink, and my justification for thinking that I wasn't hurting anyone! In the reading it mentions hurting our parents, and today I know I did that. I remember one time in particular after I had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way street. Thankfully, I had drank only one drink that night. Thankfully I sustained only an open head concussion that needed only eleven stitches. Unfortunately, my practically brand new Mustang was written off, with a year and a half of payments left on it. Upon leaving the hospital I had to stay with my parents because of the concussion. My mom cried when I got there saying "You could have been killed". My dad said I shouldn't have been driving that night due to the freezing rain. And all I could think of was poor me, I had lost my car! Insanity- yup! Did I drink and drive after that? You bet I did!

Today I am thankful/grateful for the following...

to wake up clean and sober and have the choice to remain so
I don't intentially hurt anyone
if I do hurt some one, I can immediately make amends
the love of my family and friends is something I cherish today
to have everything I need today, and enough to share too
the antics of my baby kitten as he explores and learns and grows
every single day AAngel and I hug multiple times, and say we love each other
I am not afraid to face my CAS worker when he shows up at our home for a visit (soon)
I am a part of a very supportive and loving community of AA here, and in my 'real' life
for you and you and your moms and dads who made you!

See ya soon...

Thursday, June 28, 2007

hAApy hAAlf nAAked thursdAAY to all!

I grew this raspberry all by self...to see more hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Here is a reading from As Bill Sees it, chose by randomly opening the book, to see if He has a message for me...

We do not relate intimate experiences of another member unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may critisize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but critisism or ridicule aimed at someone else often produces the contrary effect.

A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means are necessities for us. We alcoholics have learned this the hard way. More experienced people, of course, in all times and places have practiced unsparing self-survey and critisism. pg 151

After I moved away from my parents home when I was 17, I would still go home for Sunday dinner. I enjoyed the chance to spend time with my family, and my moms' great cooking. One thing I did not enjoy though, was that more often than not, my dad, my brother-in-law and my sister would pick on me. I think, at the time, it was not meant to hurt, but invariably, I did feel hurt. The joking around would often take on a slightly cruel theme. They were merciless, and although it may have been tongue-in-cheek humour, it taught me a lesson about 'taking someone elses inventory'. Today, when I hear someone share at meetings, I get annoyed when I hear them talk in "you's". In treatment, I was taught to speak in "I" statements, and I find this is a much better practice for discussing my story, my feelings or my actions.

Today I am grateful for the following...