I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

ME, SELF-WILLED?

Well, I have had a week ! It is always a good thing to actually be here to have a week, that being said though, I often wonder if I am in some way creating chaos in my own life. It seems that I go from famine to feast, from utter despair to infinite joy, from poverty to wealth (LOL). That is why I renamed my blog to ...Life as Lushgurl...

I am still enjoying my job. It is a very fast paced Deli, we must get over a hundred customers between 11:00 and 2:00. and there are two of us working in the Deli part, and over the last three weeks, we have found a way to be an incredible team. My co-worker, I'll call him Deli-dude, has been there for over four years now, for most of the four years he has done the job alone. He is quite young, at only 24 , but he has a strong dedication to the satisfaction of his customers. Deli-dude has a work ethic much like my own, he always puts the customers needs first, he is all about making the best sandwich in the least amount of time. He is not so big on the appearance of the Deli though, as we are often so busy that things get dropped on the floor, or we need to have something filled, and that is where I have found my niche. And then there is the boss/owner of the place...

The Deli is actually a part of a somewhat large corner store. The owner has been there for probably 20 years or so, and has become known in these here parts as THEE place to go for delicious food, served quickly. I think this man is some form of genious. Many corner stores offer a variety of over-priced items that one might run out of and not want to travel to a larger grocery store to get. But owner-guy tapped into the need for more in his quest for a successful life in Canada. At first glance, it may seem to be a Deli like any other, but you soon come to realize that this is no ordinary eatery. We must have about 20 different types of Deli meats, all sliced to order as a sanwich or a take home item. We also serve a variety of fresh, home made salads, muffins and desserts. What he is known for, is his chicken, bacon and avocado sandwich, topped with his own mixture of mustard/mayo and black pepper sauce. Every morning Deli-dude and I make up about 50 different sanwiches ahead of time for super quick grab-and-go access. These pre-mades always sell out within an hour, plus we have many regular patrons coming in for their own selections, and lots of new faces every day!

On Friday, Deli-dude did not come in to work. He starts an hour before I do, so by the time I arrive, all of the days' meats have been cut, the veggies for the sanwiches have been prepared, and he has begun to assemble the pre-mades. When I get there, I take care of making sure that the preparation area is clean and fully stocked. I make up a huge batch of sauce, sweep the floor, put random stuff away and make up a fresh batch of tuna salad. We work side by side preparing the pre-made sanwiches, the boss cuts our bread ( he primarily uses egg bread that we get fresh from the bakery in un-sliced loaves) and he serves the customers at the cash. The three of us run a pretty good thing all working together but separately, so when Deli-dude took an un-schedualed day off, the whole system was thrown out of whack. When I arrived at 10:00, none of the prep-work was done. We didn't have enough sauce made up to get the pre-mades ready, there had been no meats or bread cut for the daily customer orders and the Deli was a MESSS! Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about taking orders from the boss, however, Deli-dude and I have established a system that is quick, efficient and geared to the pleasure of our patrons...

I suppose Boss man has made his millions (?) by being money conscious, along with his special sandwich which is not sold anywhere else in the city of Ottawa... but I am a Deli-gurl at heart, and I know from experience that a little extra goes a long way in keeping the regulars happy as well as bringing in new customers and having them come back with their friends and families... Deli-dude, as I mentioned, has much the same work ethic as I, and Boss man worries about the bottom line, keepin costs down and profits up, and Deli-dude was not there on Friday! So I am doing my best to do all of the things that should have been done by the time I arrive, plus my own tasks, plus serving assorted customers as they arrive, plus make the pre-mades, and boss man is doing his best to serve people at the cash, cut the bread and critisize me for putting too much meat on the sandwiches, removing avocado and telling me in which order the sandwiches should be assembled! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH...

I am so thankful that I got to meet with my sponsor first thing on Saturday morning. She reminded me that I am not the boss of anything!!! Oh, and did I happen to mention that my 16 year old came home very drunk on Friday night??? This weekend I have been praying to let go of my need for control, the will to do His work better, and patience with those I must concede to! I wonder what today's Daily Reflection has to say ...

He {Bill W} said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 413- Third Edition

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counter-balance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA, I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.

So there you have it! I am planning to do the best I can today. I also want to say that I have visited only about a dozen of you from my friends links so far today, and I have more than forty!!! Who the heck PUT that many people there... Anyway, if I have not dropped by lately, I will do my best to get there within the next few days.... Love you all, and plan a great day!

HAPPINESS IS A WARM KITTEN

Todays raeding from 24 Hours a Day is a continuance from Sunday, yes I missed Monday, but I am striving for progress, not perfection!!!

That leaves only one day- today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives us mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow might bring. Let us therefore do our best to live but one day at a time.

Am I living one day at a time?

I met with my sponsor on Sunday afternoon, and she thinks that I need to be working on a 4th step. I agree with her 100%, in theory. I think doing a 4th step is an excellent way to put things in proper perspective- for you. I have done several 4th and 5th steps before, and I know the results of sharing in the 5th is a new freedom and a relief to find that I am not all bad after all. And yet.... I love my new sponsor, about a week ago she suggested that I call her everyday, and I made the committment to me to do just that. What happened was, I didn't even call her once. So on Sunday she called me and asked me how she could sponsor me if I didn't call. For a moment I was filled with panic that she was going to fire me. But she didn't. I thought that maybe she was angry and might even yell at me, but she didn't do that either. I told her very sincerely that I thought I was afraid of her (all 4ft 10) because she seemed to accept me and like me and she didn't show anger and yell and, and , and... Then, the nerve of her, she said that if I want to stay sober, I need to change- my behaviours, my thoughts, my actions! Aw crap, she called me on my sh*t, no more really good excuses are gonna work with this woman, I'm gonna hafta change!

Last night I went to a meeting that I attended on a regular basis last summer, at my sponsors' suggestion. Am I ever glad I went. There was a twenty three, a fifteen, and a one year anniversary. The speaker was a relative new comer like me, but his message was powerful and honest, and he spoke alot about change. For me it was an eye opener in that this used to be a regular stop in my week, and I remembered attending the anniversary of two of the people this time last year. The third person I remember just coming to the program, he was so shaky and unsure and now? He is grateful and sober still, and even happy, I can see how much he has changed, what a miracle this program is!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to be able to see the changes in other people
• that I was lucky enough to witness the miracle of so many sober years
• that my sponsor will not let me stay the same
• none of my bones are broken
• I have my sight
• I am able to hear (when I choose to listen)
• both AAngel and I survived to see her turn 16
• yesterday AAngel and I became new mommies- to a kitten, his name is Cinnamon
• I woke up clean and sober today
• today is the last day that I will have to wake up alone because AAngel comes back home tomorrow
• for all of YOU- your support, your love, your comments
• today I believe there is a power greater than me!

Have the best day possible today!

ALL WE DO IS TRY!

I have had a busy week so far! On Monday I had to go to another plan of care for Angel as we begin to re-integrate her home. When I first arrived, the Children's Aid worker said "I heard you had a rough weekend". I told him that yes, it had started that way, but the rest of my weekend was great! I wish I could have captured his disbelief on film, I almost laughed ! I then attempted to explain to him how I was learning to care for self and that when Angel had her melt-down with all the accompanying abuse and other behaviours, I chose to care for me and send her home! It dawned on me, when talking to a friend yesterday, that he just doesn't "get" the program. With all of the apprehensions he does, taking children out of homes of alcoholic or drug addicted parents, he has no idea about the recovery process! My friend pointed out that he probably viewed my taking care of me as at the expense of Angels' well being. I'm sure that it did come across that way, but that is so not how I meant it...

If only he knew what it has taken for me to get to where I am. If only he knew how I struggle still with all of the guilt that comes from being sober and remembering all the times when I was truly selfish and unavailable to my precious child. If only he knew that by setting a boundary, and imposing a consequence, I am trying to teach Angel that I do love her, and I love me, so I owe it to both of us to treat her mom with love and respect and self care first... But he doesn't know any of this I guess. He asked me what I will do if Angel engages in these behaviours when she is with me more often, and I no longer have the option of 'sending her back'. I told him that I had faith that we are learning to stay out of each others' way, and by taking 'time out' away from each other, we would calm down enough to talk through the problem. I had lots of people to call who love and support me in my life, people who "get" the program and can help me to stay focused. People who can remind me to not try to change Angel, but show her that I will not tolerate some behaviours by staying strong.He said that that might help me not to drink, but what about the parenting issues? He doesn't understand how much this program teaches us about life, parenting, job hunting, indeed all of the things that we need, to live better lives. Today, I am OK with his ignorance.

After the POC, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I left my name on a list of people interested in employment. Yesterday I got a call to go in for an information session. There were four of us, we were given applications and reference pages, and had an initial interview, I feel it went quite well. I didn't know that I would be interviewed then, but I think I showed my enthusiasm to work at Walmart, more shall be revealed! If they are interested, I will hear from them by the end of the week for a final interview... Hello, my name is Lushgurl, how may I help you today? Tonight is relapse prevention group and then a big celebration at one of my favourite AA groups. One of the men who is celebrating 13 years, is the one who will present me with my medallion at my celebration on Friday. I can hardly wait!

And speaking of making changes in self, and self-care, here is todays Daily Reflection...

Can He now take them all- every one ?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.76

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for "spiritual progress". Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most of them have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

You guys rock too! Have a wonderful Wednesday every one of you!

MORE ON PHOBIAS

After completing my list, I came across a few more phobias to add to my list, just happened upon them in my blog-stalking... dentists, heights, and bridges, growing old alone !! My good friend Granny-Ann, then directed me to the following...

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding" Amen
Page 76 AA Big Book

I knew as soon as I had read it, that this was the Seventh Step prayer. A sponsor I had in Barrie told me to read it everyday. She said that it was not enough to just be willing to have God remove all of my defects of character, now I had to get busy and ask Him to do just that! It's like she would quote the Big Book to me, with all of its' suggestions, in such a way that I "got it". And after all of these years of going back out, and returning to the program, the lessons of that sponsor come back to me at times like this. Kind of like riding a bike without falling off and breaking ones' nose!

As I mentioned a few days ago, I have been on an emotional seesaw lately, of course I had a few up days, and now the seesaw is going back down. I have increasingly begun to have a feeling that Angel doesn't really want to come home, call it mothers' intuition, I dunno. I have initiated the conversation with her on several occasions being careful about how I approach it. I don't want to add to the pressure she must already be feeling by trying to sway her decision. The thing is, I keep getting the same answer "I don't know mom, it's like 50/50 for me. I want to come home, but I also want to stay where I am..." Despite her words though, I have been feeling more that she wants to become a crown ward. On that side... She will soon be given the chance to live on her own in assisted living. They set her up in a room in a house with other gurls. There is minimal supervision. She is given money for food and clothing etc. They will also pay for college after she finishes high school. Hmmm, tough choice huh? 16, on your own, rent paid, money to spend, no adults (to speak of)... Gee, what would I do in that situation? On the mommy side... a mom who loves me forever, a mom who has rules and boundaries, a mom who is clean and sober today but has messed up many times in the past... Yup, it's a tough call.

Well yesterday, I needed to have more information. So I called my CAS worker to ask what would happen if Angel made the decision to stay in care and become a crown ward. He said that the judge would honour her wishes. Apparently, all along, Angel has expressed to him that she did indeed want to stay in care. So if he is being truthful with me, my intuition has been right on. And Angel being Angel is more concerned about my feelings than she should be, so she is afraid to tell me how she really feels. OUCH. Of course I want her to come home truth be told I also have a lot of fears about this. I am not used to being a full time mom now. We get along great for the weekends. I can be strong, take care of me, and be a good mom for two or three days at a time. We are getting much better at addressing problems as they come up, so conflict is minimal. But the thought of being a full time mom to a very hormonal teenager with an attitude and, I'm sure, a lot of unexpressed anger at the mommy...hmmm, tough choice again!

Yesterday I did get the opportunity to spend time with a good friend, so it was good to air some of my thoughts, and get feedback. I then called my sponsor to firm up plans for my birthday. She told me that she has been extremely busy lately and that is why she hadn't returned my last few calls. Then she told me how she was going away every weekend with a new boyfriend, I asked if she would be there to give me my medallion, and she said no! I went numb, I could not believe what my ears had told my brain. I asked her if she could make an exception on my 1st birthday, and go to her cottage on Saturday instead, and then she said she didn't feel that she was sponsor material anymore, that I needed to find someone who could be more available to me. OK, I can accept the rejection, but I need someone to sponsor me today! I have a lot of stuff going on, and it is only two weeks until my celebration. I honestly cannot believe she would pick now to tell me this.

So now I hafta go back to the beginning of my post, where I was talking about my fears. Anyone care to recite the following with me? I could use a little extra help right now!

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." Page 76 AA Big Book

On that note here is what I am grateful for today...

• to be clean and sober
• to have faced heartbreak and rejection before, and get through it
• to have people in my life who love me and want the best for me
• my garden and all its' new blooms
• for AA and the fellowship
• for a really good sleep in a safe home
• the courage to accept the things I cannot change
• for today- a new start
• that I am able to find beauty in a sometimes yucky world
• all of my cyber friends and admirers LOL
• all of you who reach out to me and share your E S and H- thank you!
  

Anyone care to play today? Have a great day in the playground of life!

MORE SPRING BLOOMS ON A BRAND NEW DAY

Ironically. todays' Daily Reflections reading is entitled "A resting place"...

All of AA's Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires...they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Step Five. But scarecly any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read-and been told- I could not stay sober unless I did. Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being." Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.

I am not afraid to admit my defects of character today. What a relief to be able to let go of those things that hold me back from being a better person. Early in the program I was willing to do a Step Four and Five, but not able to be entirely honest, I wonder if this in any way contributed to the relapses that were to follow on my travels through the program, LOL. Today I am able to look deep within myself to examine what my own motives are in given situations. I never used to think that I had an agenda for anything, I was living in a victim role, life just 'happened to me'. I found that for me, taking responsibility for my own actions, and the consequences or benifits that followed was freeing. Knowing that I am not alone in the world or in my recovery have increased my faith, and therefore my strength in making changes and better decisions.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• my dope smoking neighbors have not been invading my space
• every new day is making more flowers bloom in my garden
• I spoke to an old (young) friend on the phone today, and we are hoping to work together at the outdoor market again
• that I know God loves me even when I have doubts about my self-love
• If I continue to do the next right thing, my life will continue to get better
• I am able to not obsess so much about whether or not Angel will come home to live
• I feel good today, my prayers are being answered
• I have everything I need and then some
• All of my sober friends who share their E. S and H with me, that means YOU!
• I haven't told any lies so I don't need a good memory!
• today I am not afraid to look you in the eye...Hey there, how YOU doin' ?

Later my friends!

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...

SELF PITY, HUMILITY AND LOVE

I have been feeling out of sorts lately, as I have shared and in today's blog-stalking, I have read some beautiful posts that have got me to thinking... visit here : http://www.stayingstraightedge.co.uk/
to see how I started my day! I think now is a good time for me to do my Daily Reflection's reading...

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects I know. It is a bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of it's inordinate demands for attention and sympathy. It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford.
As Bill Sees It pg.238

This false comfort of self-pity screens me from reality only momentarily and then demands, like any drug, that I take an ever bigger dose. If I succumb to this it would lead to a relapse into drinking. What can I do? One certain antedote is to turn my attention, however slightly at first,toward others who are genuinely less fortunate than I, preferably other alcoholics. In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them, I will lesson my own exaggerated suffering.

I feel almost like I have been grieving, but not sure what it is that I am missing. I know if I can remain calm and focus on all of the beauty in my life, then this icky feeling will pass... So again I am going to be grateful for the following:

• that I am clean and sober today
• even though it is Friday the 13th, I am not afraid
• I am able to cry for the pain of others'
• I am able to cry tears of joy
• that I feel love in my life today
• I ate something for breakfast
• although MY boys lost last night, it is only the beginning of the season
• my garden is still growing strong, despite the snowfall we have had
• my Angel is coming for the weekend
• I will get to speak to a new blogging friend on the phone this weekend
• my home group meets tonight and I have volunteered to be a greeter
• all of my beautiful blogger buddies who come to visit me at my place!

Well that's all I have for now, enjoy your today...I'll stalk to ya later!

ATTENTION SEEKING AT IT'S FINEST!

This is from today's Daily Reflection's...

Demands made on other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion....
Twelve steps and Twelve Traditions pg.44

When I uncovered my need for approval in the Fourth Step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as an asset (that is, the desire to please people). It was quickly pointed out to me that this "need" can be very crippling. Today I still enjoy getting the approval of others, But I am not willing to pay the price I used to pay to get it. I will not bend myself into a pretzel to get others to like me. If I get your approval fine; but if I don't, I will survive without it. I am responsible for speaking what I perceive to be the truth, not what I think others may want to hear.
Similarily, my false pride always kept me overly concerned about my reputation. Since being enlightened in the AA program, my aim is to improve my character.

I had started a post yesterday, and had got as far as typing out the reading, then I realized I really did not have that much to say! I know that is a little hard to belive about me, but truth be told, not that long ago I would have posted anyway, making it up as I went along. I think that for me, this stems from my need for approval. Which just happens to tie in with the reading for today. I know that I lived my life wanting someone, anyone to tell me I was OK- or not! The thing I have realized is that there was never going to be enough approval to make me feel ok with myself. A hundred people could have told me how great I was,what a good job I had done, how sweet, pretty, thin, loving, etc etc etc...but it was ALWAYS the one negative thing I heard that would consume my thoughts! It used to drive me crazy! Even as I am typing this, I am coming to see that I am changing- slowly, but changing I am.

When I was little, I had my mother's undivided attention for about three years, my father was away a lot ( he was a sailor) and my sister had not yet been born. My mother really doted on me! To her I was like a little doll that she could dress up and play with (she never had a doll when she was little). My mother loved me so much, and with a husband that was often away, or drunk when he was home, I became a great source for my mom's self esteem. She would sew me clothes and knit clothes for my dolls. She would dress me up and take me out, and with my red hair, I guess I receved quite a bit of attention. About the same time as my sister was born, my father had stopped most of his travels at sea. I quickly learned that I would never again get that constant attention and approval from any one. But that didn't stop me from trying!

I think for me, I learned that I had to do whatever it took to get people to pay attention to me. When someone did notice me, it was not usually for a good reason, as in all the sexual abuse I suffered. When I got a little older I started to act out, so again, I was paid attention to, but not in a good way. The thing is, kids will do anything to get someone to "look at me, pay attention to ME". I learned that I got far more attention for being 'bad' than for being good. It became what I was used to, not neccesarily what I wanted or even liked...

There are still many days when I find myself looking outside for that attention/approval that I so needed as a child, the difference is that today I can more easily recognize this and do something to change my thoughts or actions and just give myself the attention and love that I want. Talk about changing!

As I have mentioned, I have once again started looking for a job. I started thinking about it way back in November, when I asked for assistance with my resume. By January I had bought a printer so I could easily access and print up a resume from home. In March I edited my resume and worked on adding various cover letters, some customized ( for Starbucks, Home Depot and Pharma Plus) and I also wrote up some generic cover letters. Yesterday, I dropped off my very first one..... I will wait for the applause to die down before I continue.....

Yes that's right folks, Lushgurl has now entered the journey into the job search world. The only thing I had not yet done was to contact my former boss. Fear had kept me from making this phone call- fear of rejection, fear of being told to F- off, fear of finding that I could not use him as a reference... So today. after I had read my readings, had a bowl of cereal, and a few simple words of prayer, I picked up that hundred pound phone (a phrase borrowed from Sober Steve), and called my old boss. He actually sounded surprised and, dare I say Happy? to hear from me! What's up with that? I explained that I was looking for work again and asked if I could expect a good reference from him or if I should ask people to not call him, he said "I will be happy to give you a very good reference!". We spoke briefly for a few minutes, he told me that he was glad that things were going well for me and wished me the best of luck...

Today I am going to see my counsellor and I will be armed with more resumes to drop off. Ya never know, I may actually be one step closer to earning my keep! I have hope today. I know that not everyone will like me or approve of me, but today I love and approve of myself. I think that maybe I am starting to grow up a bit...is that OK? LOL

Hey, I just noticed that this is my forty sixth post and I am turning forty six this year, I wonder if that MEANS anything- other than I am a freak....and Hey... I just got a note from John W congratulating me on my ten months clean and sober ...DUUUUHHH, I didn't even remember LOL

EQUALITY

Today I am going to start with my "Daily Reflections" reading, for your pleasure and mine!...

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from Alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliations. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 563

Prior to AA, I often felt that I didn't "fit in" with the people around me. Usually "they" had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn't jibe with "theirs". The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society had only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining AA. I found the way of life I had been searching for. In AA, no member is better than any other member; we're just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

On reflection of this reading I realize just how different I really felt in the outside world. I had always known that somehow I WAS different, but in my mind I translated this to mean that there was something inherently wrong with me, as in broken, unfixable. I know for me a lot of those feelings come from the messages I received as a child, the discounting of my feelings, perceptions, the very negation of the reality in which I lived. I was told that I made up stories, that I plain out lied or didn't know what I was talking about. If I was sad or crying I was told that I had no reason to cry , or I should be grateful for what I had (you know, the millions of starving kids story). So growing up, I learned to not trust myself, my own feelings, to check with someone else to tell me if I was good or bad, right or wrong, smart or dumb. valuable or worthless...

Today this has all come to a head for me once again. I guess it started on the weekend when Angel had a fight with me! I say it this way because I didn't really 'fight' back, I just let her vent , and then called for back-up. I have been told that I dealt with all this appropriately, I did a good job, I took care of me etc. But still, in my mind I had bailed on my child by 'sending her away' when things got too intense for me to deal with it. Of course running out of my meds on Sunday and having it rain all day Monday, was just enough of an opening to allow my sh*tty committee into my head again! I am after all my own worst enemy, when it comes to perception of self...So I went to the place where any (good?) self-loathing alcoholic goes. I told myself I was a BAD mommy. I told myself I had FAILED my child yet again. I told myself that maybe Angel was better off where she was because, CLEARLY I was not prepared or able to deal with her!

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. I talked a lot 'around' the issues I have been facing. I got the praise I so crave "You took care of you, you did the right thing..." and then the tears came

*hangs head in shame* She had asked me if I was sharing this with anyone, or writing about it on my blog, "well, no" I replied, "then everyone "out there" would know that I am a bad person, but not just a regular bad person, a FAT bad person"...I had not actually been feeling the stuff that was going on in my life. Why , you ask? because I had been eating my feelings! In true addictive form I had found yet another 'old friend' to comfort me and to make sure all those icky feelings didn't come out so they could be dealt with and sent back to their rightful place as thoughts, not feelings! My counsellor gave me some activities to do to examine these feeling, put them in proper perspective and change my attitude toward myself. On the way home I picked up my meds, and a HUGE chocolate bar then proceeded to sleep for the rest of the afternoon and EAT my way through the evening...

This morning I woke up feeling a little better. At least now I have an awareness of what I have been doing, and that is a step toward change, right? In my daily blog-stalking, I usually come across many words of wisdom, sometimes I even come up with ones' of my own to leave as comments! So today was to be no different! I came across this http://todaysdailyblog.blogspot.com/">Link . It would seem that I actually am NOT all that different after all!!! I may have to change my name to "Super freak" though... and todays' reading about equality, has brought me back to the place where I know that I belong and (kinda) fit in! The rooms of AA have helped me to get clean and sober, and I know that when I'm ready they will also help me to deal with the feelings that are causing me to fall back on food. That to me, is what recovery is all about, learning to live better for me, not better than you. Learning how to take better care of me so I can be of more service to you and others. And today I am truly grateful to have this all-purpose program of recovering my life.

HAVING A DAY...PARTE DEUX!

I don't quite know what happened...I was SO rocking the blog world! I have been adding new stuff, rearranging old stuff, editing here, javascripting there...I guess Someone is thinking maybe my head is getting too big!!! Yesterday, it took me hours to come up with only seven songs that I really like, and true to my "please the audience" form, I wanted to show a video to go along with my picks... alas though I am not to have a video today! Wait, don't leave, you can still oooh and ahhh over my ever brilliant words of wisdom, no wait, don't leave!!

I think I am having another DAY !!! It's not MY fault! I seem to have been born this way!
OK, I know, I am a little more than my usual amount of 'freakishness' today HUH? I ran out of my anti-depressants on Saturday, but Angel and I were having A DAY, so I never got out to pick up the refill. Yesterday it was pouring rain, so I slept most of the afternoon and, no, didn't get the meds either. Today I am not doing so well, it probably isn't 'cause I'm out of meds, but I hafta find a reason for my other than normal mood, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Alright. so here is my list of seven songs that I USED to dig, before I tried, to no avail, to post one of the videos on my blog...

1) Don't Stop Believing......... by Journey
2) Keep the Faith ..................by Bon Jovi
3) Life is a Highway...............by Tom Cochrane
4) Still the One ......................by Shania Twain
5) Amazing .............................by Aerosmith
6) Sweet Escape.....................by Gwen Stephani
7) Lay Your Hands on ME....by Bon Jovi

Of course after finding seven songs I liked I was tagged again (this time by Scott W) and I am SO not in the mood to search through the cobwebs of my mind to come up with seven more, so I will leave that for another day!!! And as for MY tags...I realize that some of these may also be 'double tagged', so I'm throwing in a few extra's... Tabster, Kenny, Shannon, Chocolateer, Cori. Scott W, Lex Sunshine, Sharon and Grace!! Have fun!!!!

...I think I need to do my reading now, and you? This one is from "As Bill Sees it", I just randomly open the book to see what message He has for me, and THIS is what showed up, try not to laugh too hard, you might miss the message LOL

"Perfect Humility"

For myself, I try to seek out the truest definition of humility that I can. This will not be the perfect definition, because I shall always be imperfect.

At this writing, I would choose one like this : Absolute Humility would consist of a state of complete freedom from myself, freedom from all the claims that my defects of character now lay so heavily upon me. Perfect humility would be a full willingness, in all times and places,to find and to do the will of God.

When I meditate upon such a vision, I need not be dismayed because I shall never attain it, nor need I swell with presumption that one of these days its virtues shall be mine.

I only need to dwell on the vision itself, letting it grow and ever more fill my heart. This done, I can compare it with my last taken personal inventory. Then I get a sane and healthy idea of where I stand on the highway to humility. I see that my journey toward God has scarce begun.

As I thus get down to my right size and station, my self concern and importance become amusing.

Grapevine, June 1961

Once again the humour of my Higher Power is not lost on me... two short months after Bill wrote this, I was born into this world.... OK, you may laugh now!!! But don't forget to "Have a Day". Oh and before you get all huffy about the fact that I apparently lied about the video thing...I tried once again after returning to my rightful place here on earth...

ALONE AGAIN...

The Devilteen and I had a really good weekend, she has gone to that place where she lives today, yes I still refuse to call it her home! I figure her home is with me even if she is only here on the weekends! I used to get so terribly depressed when she would leave. I hated that I would have to let her go. At the beginning of our new living arrangement, when Devilteen was still in foster care, she would cry and beg me to let her stay here. It broke my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain. I wanted so badly to keep her here with me, but at the time, if she didn't go back to the foster home, the police would have been called and we both would have gotten in a lot of trouble.

March 1 '07 will be two years to the day that Children's Aid came to remove my baby from my home. I will never forget that day as long as I live. The worker showed up at my door, unannounced, at 9:00 AM. I had just gotten up for the day. Devilteen had been at a friends house for a couple of nights previously to that. It was a Tuesday morning. On the Sunday I had told Devilteen that I had relapsed on cocaine. Oh my God, the look on her face is imprinted into my mind, the hurt, the disbelief, the anger, all of it in flashes as she tried to understand what it was that I was saying. I had chosen to tell her because I finally was able to stay clean for five days at the time. Looking back, it seems ridiculous, she was thirteen at the time! But somehow I had convinced myself that I owed it to my daughter to be honest with her. Yes I was still drinking, and smoking pot, but the blow (my first love drug) was much more of a threat, or so I thought.

I thought in my heart that Devilteen had known I had been using blow again. I don't know why I thought this, I was very careful (as a using addict could be). I never did it in front of her, but I rarely slept or ate, I just thought she knew. But my Angel had no idea what mommy had really been up to, she believed the lies that I just wasn't hungry or that I could nap when she was at school. She trusted me and I lied to her, and let her down. So on the day that I confessed my sins to her, it broke her heart. The thing is, I had relapsed several years before and managed to get clean and of course made the obligatory promises that I would never use again, and I truly meant it at the time. But to Devilteen, who loved and trusted me, I couldn't have hurt her more if I had slapped her instead. "You promised me mom" she said, "you promised you wouldn't ever do it again, how could you?" And then came the tears.

My tears born from months of guilt and lies and probably some withdrawal thrown in too. Her tears were from the betrayal of the person who said they loved her more than anything. She naturally was angry, so angry that she ran up to her room and didn't want to talk to me. She was of course hurt, how could anyone who knew they were an addict USE again? I felt so helpless and overwhelmed I wanted to fix things but had no idea where to start. When she finally came out of her room, I apologized and told her that I understood that I was the last person she wanted to talk to. I wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms and swear that everything would be ok, but Devilteen didn't want to be near me. She called a friend and asked to go there, but before she left I said " Please don't keep this all inside baby, please just talk to SOMEONE, anyone that you CAN trust"... She called from her friends house later that evening and asked to stay overnight, the following day was school, but I said yes because I thought being with her friend was the comfort she needed at the time. Little did I know that my child would actually take my advice and talk to someone!

Apparently Devilteen had gone to school and went to talk to her guidance counsellor. If I was a fly on the wall I might have known exactly what was said, but I wasn't there. All I knew was that a call had been made to CAS and on Tuesday I was deemed an unfit parent, and my child was placed into a foster home. Even today, with all the changes I have made, with over 15 months clean from coke and more than eight months clean and sober, it still hurts. We have had some rough times, my daughter and I, I think I am remembering all of this today because I must go to court on Tuesday (again). True, I am working with children's aid today, I am clean and sober today, but I still have a lot of ground to make up in the credibility department. When a Judge sees 'drug addiction' in the documents, I'm sure they have a certain amount of reservations, and so they should. When we are using we can't be trusted , we lie, we cheat, we do what we must to just get high. It takes a long time to get back the trust, especially when a child is involved.

So back to court I go. I will have my head up high, I will not let the shame of my mistakes hold me back. I cannot undo what I have done, I can only live better today. CAS is asking for another six months society wardship to enable Devilteen to complete her school year. After that I am praying that she will come home. We are both going to counselling today, and I have told her that she doesn't have to keep secrets to protect me, I don't know if she will be able to trust her counsellor, but I know they get along and that is a start.

Tonight when I go to bed I will thank God for helping me stay clean and sober today. I will thank Him for this wonderful weekend that I shared with my daughter and I will pray to receive the message of His will for me and the power to carry that out. The rest is not in my hands... So before I go I want to share with you the reading from my Daily Reflections book...

The limits of self reliance... We asked ourselves why we had them (fears). Wasn't it because self reliance failed us? AA Big Book pg.68

All of my character defects separate me from God's will. When I ignore my association with Him I face the world and my alcoholism alone and must depend on self-reliance. I have never found security and happiness through self-will and the only result is a life of fear and discontent. God provides the path back to Him and to His gift of serenity and comfort. First however, I must be willing to acknowledge my fears, and understand their source and power over me. I frequently ask God to help me understand how I separate myself from Him.

Have a peaceful and contented evening folks...