MISS YOU ALL...

I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...

• workin' hard
• still clean and sober
• happy
• grateful for the day
• miss you guys, will come by soon
• wish you all a great day
• gotta go, running late!
  
  

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS

Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.

I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.

I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.

I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.

This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST, OH MY!!!

I have a tough time feeding myself properly. I've always had problems with food, everything from anorexia to bulimia and everything in between. Lately though, I've been living on junk. Barbeque ruffles are a typical dinner for me and breakfast has generally been anything I can cram in my mouth while I'm making a coffee! Funny how I've taught my child all about nutrition to the point where she loves vegetables ( brussel sprouts, asparagus and broccoli are some of her favorites!), and I being the older, wiser mommy am eating cookies for breakfast. Being Lushgurl, I feel the need to deflect the blame from the person who is actually at fault and place it squarely on anothers' shoulders. So let's see... the winner of today's game of "Take the Blame" is... the media!

Yeah, that's the ticket! Everywhere we are surrounded by 'utimate' beauty, of course most of these people have been air brushed and tweaked to the point where I'm sure the end result bears little resemblance to the original person. But still look around...billboards, magazines, television commercials, and let's not forget the endless string of beautiful people we see at all the award shows (which by the way ALL seem to air right after Christmas when I've put on weight from eating treats!!) I know that celebreties have an abundance of resources to help them achieve their perfect bodies what with personal trainers, botox and other cosmetic surgeries. They have the money to buy the best clothes and make-up not to mention their 'people' who dress them and do their hair and...I know that often the images that are portrayed have taken hours to acheive, but just for ONE DAY I'd like to feel like they look!

It seems so unfair that I, being one of the truly "beautiful" people cannot leave the house without 'my face' on. I DO believe that beauty comes from the inside out but reality , in it's irony, makes those who meet us see the outsides first. I seem to do much better in the summer time, the cloths are a little more revealing so I try harder to stay fit. The warm weather ensures that I will be outside more often and of course I am more active, gardening, bike riding and going for long walks everyday. I guess I am looking for yet another quick fix... I used to be able to drop 10 pounds in three or four days, I used to be able to scarf down a whole pizza and not gain any weight. Ah but age and years of abusing my body through starvation and laxatives, have ensured that I will always struggle with my body image.

I start every new day with the best of intentions. I make a decision to eat better foods and MOVE my body around, but lately it's been really hard. I think I'm eating my feelings ( since I don't have booze or drugs anymore), I just haven't yet figured out what feelings I am trying to hide from. My goal for today is to be conscious of what I am putting in my mouth, not just the mindless eating that I usually do while watching t.v. . I will of course eat better foods as Devilteen will be here for the weekend so I have to be a good example and besides I enjoy cooking for (and with) her. We always sit down at the dining room table and talk and eat and you know, catch up on stuff. I get up early on the weekends too so that I can prepare a good breakfast for us, she even loves oatmeal (grits for you Americans) I'm talking the kind of oatmeal that you cook, not the packaged kind with all the extra sugar in it. I just don't understand why I cannot be more motivated to treat myself to good, nutritious food when I am not being a mommy!

Today started out somewhat better than most. A good friend dropped by with breakfast to feed me and a baby to cheer me up, I guess the rest of the day is up to me. MAN , sometimes I really dislike being responsible !!! But I AM WORTH IT!!! Once again it seems I have used you , my faithful readers, as my free therapy session. Strangely though I actually do feel better now. I can still here the chocolate chip cookies calling out to me, but I have the strength to ignore them until After my dinner! I haven't yet decided what that will be, but it will be colourful, nutritious and delicious and shared with my favorite Devilteen. Peace out for now!