HO HUM ... IT'S FRIDAY...

Well, it's Friday now and I'm feeling a little down today, not sure why... Angel called to ask if it was OK for her to come tomorrow instead of today, of course I said it was all right, after all, she IS a teenager, and she DOES have a life without mom! This weekend is a long weekend anyway, so we'll still have extra time together. I had made German potato salad and we'll have knackwurst with it, and we we're going to eat outside, since it is so gorgeous out. I guess we can still do that tomorrow, right? All I can say, is I'm getting kind of tired of these up and down moods I've been having. They have been mostly up, but then I'm blindsided by the down, and I'm not liking that very much at all. I know...this too shall pass, I say it all the time ! It just doesn't seem appropriate to say it to me, even though I know it's true!

Get a grip Lushgurl, you know what is going on here.... my inner demons are trying to sabotage me, yeah, that's it! I called my former boss from the fruit and vegetable market today, he had told me that he might want me to work this weekend. But when I spoke to him, he said he wouldn't need me, as it was not busy, and too cold. What the F***? It is beautiful out today, and a long weekend, which is typically very busy for outdoor shopping here. So now I'm thinking he doesn't want me to work at all, but am too afraid to just ask him, so my sh*tty committee is working over time in my head! The thing is, I was really looking forward to working this weekend, I'm getting restless, and there's nothing like a twelve hour shift outside to help kill the restless bugs! Oh well, maybe next weekend...

As I shared yesterday, I had won some money the other day. It was not like hundreds or anything, but I am so used to having no money at this time of month, that I felt rich for a minute! So I went shopping, it's one of the things that I'm really good at. I bought some groceries, of course, and three new lanterns for my garden and a 'flutterby' wind chime, which sounds really pretty. Then I decided to get the mommy some new sandals, seeing as it is summer and all. It took me a long time to pick out a couple of pairs, and the total was still only about twenty bucks, but, wait for it, now I am feeling guilty. That just ruins the fun of shopping ya know- that guilt thing, so even though I could use the shoes, I almost feel like returning them. Why? 'Cause deep down I don't really feel like I deserve any new and pretty things. I am so used to spending money on Angel or buying stuff we need, that it doesn't feel OK just buying something for me. AAARRRGGGHHH !!!

In light of my unusually cheery mood (LMAO!!!), I think now would be a good time for our Daily Reflection's reading...

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.83

My first true freedom is the freedom to not have to take a drink today. If I truly want it, I will work the Twelve Steps and the happiness of this freedom will come to me through the Steps- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Other freedoms will follow, and inventorying them is a new happiness. I had a new freedom today, the freedom to be me. I have the freedom to be the best me I have ever been.

OK, my HP, I get the message, I have a choice today! So today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I have the freedom to be me today, not entirely sure if I like this, LOL
• to be clean and sober
• more new blooms in my garden- light pink tulips and purple irises, yellow are coming soon)
• I get to secratary my home group tonight- so I can feel useful to my fellows
• I have food in my fridge and money in my pocket
• Angel will come tomorrow, for the rest of the weekend
• wherever I go, there I am !
• my 'Boys" are playing tonight, hopefully their winning streak will continue
• whenever I feel yucky, I hear or read something that changes my mood
• this is a kind of long post, but I'm not sorry, 'cause I had to get some stuff out
• I lied, I kinda do feel bad about the long post!
• ALL of my blogging friends, yes, that means YOU

Have a FREE weekend on me folks!

I'M STALKIN', YES INDEED....I'M STALKIN'....

Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• That I don't regret my past anymore
• my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
• we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
• my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
• I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
• MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
• my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
• all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
• for each and every one of YOU
• that I am clean and sober for another day

See ya all later, peace out...

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS

Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.

I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.

I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.

I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.

This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.

ANOTHER GOOD DAY IN THE LIFE!

Today I am going to start with my daily meditation from "Daily Reflections"...

Feb 15

Taking Action
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

One of the most important things AA has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take "right action". It says the promises will ALWAYS materialize if I WORK for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them, and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams!

I just love the promises, I have quoted parts of them throughout my blogs. The thing is, this time last year, I could not have felt worse about myself and my life. I was just about to quit my (unhealthy) job, I spent Valentine's Day alone, and of course I was still drinking. Today I realize how far I have come! What a wonderful gift I have been given! I can hardly believe all of the good things that have begun to happen to me and in my life. Many of the promises have already come true for me, and not only did I doubt that would ever happen, but I didn't even believe that I was worthy of all this good stuff.

So to share my miracles with you, I am going to tell you about the good things I have in my life today...
-Today I am free from alcohol and drugs, not only am I happy about this, I am grateful too
-I am learning to let go of my past in that I can't change it, I can only do things differently today
-Serenity and peace are with me on most days today, and if it doesn't start out that way, I have the tools to change it
-I am actually starting to believe that I too, have a story to be told, and am no longer afraid to share my secrets of how bad I WAS, if it helps keep someone else sober that day
-For the most part I have accepted that even I do have a purpose in this life, sometimes I don't clearly see what that is, but I am willing to ASK HIM
-More and more I am reaching out to call people, I truly care how folks are doing, I'm not just saying "How are you?" I WANT to know!
-Today I face life with gratitude for every little thing, and I always have more than enough! I look forward to getting up in the morning (although I'd appreciate not waking up at seven when I have nothing to do that day LOL)
-Everyday that I have a roof over my head, good food to eat, and friends to share with is a great day
-Today I am able to stop myself from blurting out the first thing that pops into my head, I'm sure someday my Angel will appreciate how difficult this can be!
-Every single day that I have today is a blessing and a gift, and I never could have accomplished this miracle on my own....Thank you to MY GOD, and to all of you!

Holy Moly! Until I looked at each promise on it's own I had not realized just how true they are for me. What a great PROGRAM of recovery that has given me sobriety and much, much more than I ever dared to dream of. I hope the promises come true for you today. Peace all!