I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

RUNNIN' ON EMPTY...

This week has been a hurry up and wait week! I am so tired, I feel out of sorts. Thank God I have my meetings and all of my blogger buds to help keep me focused on today! Tonight I will actually celebrate my B-day at my home group, there will be a medallion, and a cake, and I have chosen a speaker, but I don't know what to wear!!! And today I hear Pam say "It doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you show up!" She has posted a week of letters to her still sick self just before finding recovery. It is painful to read, and I feel the lonliness and desperation in every word, but I have seen that miracles happen, because of who Pam is today. Please visit her here... http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/

Here is todays Daily Reflection...

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help.... we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life- the one that did not work- for a new life that can and does work under any condition whatever.

As Bill Sees It pg.10,8

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefullness in AA and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58) To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God's help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

I had goosebumpies typing out these last few words as I realize that the title of my post is "Running on empty"...coincidence? WE THINK NOT!!!

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I started today out empty, and now He has filled me up!
• to be clean and sober today
• tonight He may use me to show a new(er)comer how it really works
• my Angel has agreed to read the promises for us tonight
• I get to have celebratory cake! -want some?
• waking up at 7:30 is beginning to suck less!
• just for today I am where I am supposed to be
• even though I missed HNT, the party went on without me!
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• for each and everyone of YOU - you make my mornings worthwhile!
• to be able to love self and others today...

Hope each and everyone finds themselves full of the good stuff today!!!

I SUCK AT PICTURE TAKING!

Although my pictures leave much to be desired, I still want to share my garden with you all! Thank goodness I have a green thumb, because I'd never make it as a photographer! On that note, here is today's reading from 24 Hours a Day...

We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking, we wre absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God's help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways, to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don't start any wishful thinking, If we daydream too much, we'll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God's guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish too much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or the wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people's problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.

For me this is so true. Left to my own devices, I can leave a wake of destruction in my path. When I first moved to Toronto, newly out of treatment, some of my friends (who, by the way, were all guys), used to call me a little tornado. It seemed that I had a way of stopping by long enough to have someone (fall in) love me, and then I'd move on. I see now how very selfish I was then. I did not mean for people to get hurt, but I hurt them anyways. I know now how very insecure I really was. I had just broken up with my husband of seven months- so much for "better or worse". At that point in my life, I was feeling so unlovable, so I looked for the love 'out of me'. By the time I got back to recovery THIS time, I had been engaged five times and married once! Wow, talk about needing validation from other people! Today I love me, although there are still days when I love me less, I only need to listen to my HP, to know that I am loved, and not search for that love through others. I think this reading is appropriate in that, I do need guidance in learning to live with, and deal with people in my life.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• although I suck at taking pictures, I can still share my garden!
• I am clean and sober today
• I am willing to learn and grow- even if sometimes it is painful to me
• I do not wish bad things for anyone today
• living in the solution feels much better than living in the problem
• if I am open and honest, He can use me to carry the message
• I am able to love people for who they are, not what they can give me
• I am able to love myself for who I am
• it is Wed. , that means I have my relapse prevention group and the Rainbow AA group
• all of my blogging buddies...that means YOU
• everywhere I look, there is beauty to be seen

I wish everyone a great day today, and one for me too!

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS

Well I guess it's official, the first flowers to bloom in my garden are these yellow hyacinths! All of the rain that we'd been having that had wreaked havoc on my hair, has brought forth beauty in my garden again! One of the reasons that I love the spring so much. Last fall I planted more bulbs, I watered them and fed them, and like a miracle every spring all these gorgeous flowers appear where there were none before! I am grateful today for the seasons that we get to experience every year. The different weather, the different sights and smells. It's like every four months, the whole world changes, a new adventure. But also something to count on, like the winter that follows the fall, so shall the spring follow the winter.

I was lucky enough to be asked to tell my story on Sunday night. I wasn't nervous until I got to the meeting and noticed just how many people were there! But I said a few simple words of prayer before hand, and searched out the faces of the people I knew. A few people from my home group had come to support me, and that was comforting. I just told my truth, trying not to tell a drunk-a-logue. Instead I said that the drinking escapades would be similar for most of us, I asked that people tried to relate with the feelings that brought me to the place of my own self destruction. There was, of course, a lot of fear. There was the feeling that I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. There were feelings of hopelessness that I would never be happy, or find what it was that I was supposed to to in my life. I did talk about the sexual abuse and the physical abuse that I had witnessed as a little gurl, as these things had played a large part in eroding my self esteem, and teaching me that my feelings didn't matter. The biggest message that I got was reality, as I knew it, was not the reality that other people saw. And after years of being told that my memories were wrong, I learned that not only were other people untrustworthy, but I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions either.

I shared about my first exposure to the program, just over 20 years ago, and how I went mostly to support a friend. I said that I switched addictions, in a sense, to eating disorders, which almost took my life, but had enabled me to stay sober long enough to get a one year medallion. I know now, that I had not "completely given myself to this simple program", and for me, that meant going back out to do more research, maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic! The path that I took was like making great strides and then plummetting back down into pain and oblivion, then back again to sobriety. Not all of us "get" this program the first time around, some do, but for me I just didn't want to give up my sense of control, and that was the thing that sent me back out again and again.

I shared how even having my daughter taken from my care was not enough of an incentive to get sober, I talked about wanting to die because I didn't think I could survive the pain. And then I shared how, in treatment I had, what I call an epiphany. My focus, at the beginning, was to get my child back, I completely reserved the right to smoke pot, when my child got home. I thought I would probably drink again, when my child was returned to me. All I could think of was how all I ever wanted was to be a mommy, and to be declared unfit, to know I had put my child in danger, were very good reasons for me to continue drinking and using. I felt I was nothing without my child in my life. Then a counselor told me that I had to love me enough to get well, that no matter where my daughter lived, she still needed a healthy mom, that I needed to want to be better for me. And all of a sudden I "got" it. I had to make ME the reason for recovery. I had to value MY life, in order to give anything to others. That was the turning point in my recovery.

This was the third time within this past eleven months that I had been asked to share my story. I find it amazing that not only would any one want to hear my story, but people thanked me for sharing after! I was able to go through the promises one by one and show how they have all come true for me today. But for me, it is the miracle of the program working, that give me the courage to share. I have done a lot of work, but have not done any of it alone. All of you were there with me, your encouragement and understanding. The welcome back to the program has kept me coming back. I was welcomed with love, not judgement. I have seen this pogram work in so many lives, all over the world, it can and will work for any one who is willing.

LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

In today's Daily Refflection's it talks about two things that cannot live together in the same heart...

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there". I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is " the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear". Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realilze that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so. I think for me it started with the news of more Canadians killed in Afghanistan, then the controversy surrounding Don Imus and his racial slurs against the young womens' basketball team, and more recently the tragic shooting that took place in the Virginia college. All of these things have been fighting to shake my belief in a loving God, as I understand Him. For most of my life I had the belief that God "would get me" if I was 'bad', and it seemed that I was bad more than I was good. My cousins, who were Catholic used to tell me that not only would I go to Hell because I hadn't been baptized, but I was ripe for the picking of the devil because of this. So I lived in constant, excruciating fear. At night I would pray to God to save me, I didn't want to go to Hell, I knew I was already there. When I was molested I was told, in not so many words that "I was Bad", it was my fault, so I figured that I would surely burn in everlasting damnation if I were to take my own life, which is what I really wanted to do.

I think, as a little gurl, the fact that my mom had taken me to Sunday school saved my butt on many an occasion. The stories I heard there were stories of hope and miracles. It was a loving God who gave His son to pay for the sins of man. At night, I would pray to this God to make my life more bearable, I didn't know if He heard me, but it made me feel better just having the hope that Someone was there to hear my pleas. Somehow, deep down inside I believed that my life would get better. I never knew how or when, just that the hope of better things ahead, carried me through the toughest times in life. A therapist once told me that "there is not room, in the same heart, for hope and fear". Today I am reminded of this in my daily readings and also when I hear of all the tragedies in the world around us.

I know in my heart that I cannot do anything to change you, your beliefs, or your actions. Yes I am powerless over any and all things that are not me. I do believe, however that if I can 'keep my side of the street clean', that maybe my neighbor will be motivated to do the same. If I always treat you with love and respect, then perhaps you will pass this along to the people you come in contact with in your day. If I never give up on doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do, I have to believe that my life will not be lived in vain. So today I pray for all people who live in fear, that they may find the peace that hope that a loving God can bring. I pray that those who are hurting will know that they will experience freedom fom pain one day. I pray that I can remain clean and sober so that I can share my hope and joy with others' who may have lost theirs today.... I wish you all peace and joy and love today.

THE RETURN OF DEVILTEEN AND THE SH*TTY COMMITTEE

This being Easter weekend, seems like a good time to be looking at all the sins of my life, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. After all, didn't Jesus die for our sins? My Angel had made a decision to go to her dad's for all of this weekend, but being a teenager, she changed her mind and called me on Wednesday to TELL me, she had decided to come here for a couple of days first! No she didn't ASK if it was OK, because , after all, I don't have a life! Of course I said I would love to see her, and asked that she ASK me in the future, because it would be respectful of me. So she was supposed to come on Thursday after school. The house had called the school to pick Angel up early in the afternoon, but alas, the child had not attended her afternoon classes! When I was told of her skipping, I said that I guess Angel could come on Friday, since no one could find her at school on Thursday. I then got my butt to the woman's meeting so I wouldn't be home to receive an angry phone call..taking care of self and all of that!

Friday morning I got 'the call'- "Why did you say you didn't want to see me mom?" I explained that because she had chosen to skip school, we , the grown-ups, decided that not coming here would be an appropriate consequence. Angel did not agree with my decision. She said that it wasn't fair , because the house had consequenced her, and she didn't LIVE WITH ME, so I didn't have a right to 'double consequence her'! Tough lesson, I know, but I felt it was necessary, to send the message that skipping school would not be rewarded.

Our visit started out well enough. We watched a DVD- "Derailed" with Jennifer Anniston and Clive Owens, we had popcorn too. The movie was really good! After the movie Angel wanted to go on 'Facebook' for a while, this was fine with me, but I asked her to help me tidy up a bit first, and she was OFF... apparently helping me to tidy up our mess was the same as expecting Angel to be my maid! We had words, and then she stomped off to her room and refused to help. So I tidied up and let it go at that, The thing is, Angel does get angry with me when I try to set limits and boundaries. She doesn't like NOT getting her own way, or when I stand firm and say no! You see I was never really good at setting limits and boundaries before ( read when I was still OUT), and consequences were not followed up on because my parenting was always motivated by copious amounts of guilt.

After a while Angel came down to finish the arguement that we had started and all of the hurt and anger and unexpressed pain came out! I mean ALL of it! The two years that she had been living away from me because of my return to drug and alcohol use. The times that she had used and drank because "like mother , like daughter". All of the times that I seemed to not give a shit about her because I was too busy getting high. It all came out like a damn that had finally broken. Oh GOD! I thought, here we go, and I knew her anger was justified, and I knew that I had hurt her badly, so I had no defense. There was no way I could explain to her in a way that she could understand , how I would knowingly return to using after being clean for so long. She was crying, sobbing, so hurt and so angry, and I couldn't comfort her. She yelled at me and called me names and basically told me in many words how much I had hurt her and let her down. And then she said she didn't want to come back home because I probably would F- up again, I always did. And she could get STUFF at the house that I couldn't give her, and she didn't care anyway...

I accepted all of the angry words and accusations with a little bit of gratitude, as this was really the first time since my relapse that Angel was able to be totally honest with me about her feelings. I didn't like all of what she said, 'cause after all, the truth can really hurt sometimes. I have managed to stay clean and sober, and am doing my best to make better choices for both of us today. But this in no way alleviates the pain I have caused. And she was pissed at me- it is of course all MY fault that Angel does drugs and drinks and skips school... I told her that I could accept responsibility for my part , but I was not going to accept the blame for the choices that SHE had made, including using drugs and alcohol just because I had. The thing is, I messed up and I knew that, I let her down, and I knew that too. But at almost 16, Angel had to start making better choices for her life, which included not using drugs or drinking and not skipping school or lashing out in anger. I was not capable of MAKING her do these things, and my new life of sobriety is a choice I make today for both of us.

We ended up spending the rest of the evening apart, she in her room and me downstairs alone. While I was alone the thought came into my head that I could drink after she left, what was the use of staying sober especially if I was going to be living alone. I could hardly believe how quickly these thoughts had filled my head, how much I really felt like using at the time. It scared the crap out of me. So I prayed. I prayed to have the obsession removed, I prayed to continue to want sobriety, I prayed to have Angels' pain lessoned by hope and trust and love....

This morning I feel strong again and committed to my new life. I woke Angel up early, with a cup of coffee and we had some time to talk before she left for her dad's. She felt bad for some of the mean things she had said to me and apologized for it. I told her that I did deserve a lot of the anger and I was sorry for hurting her so badly. I also reminded her that we both have choices today, and my choices include AA and not using or drinking, but I wasn't going to promise her that I would never pick up again because I didn't know that for sure. I had the desire to stay clean and sober today, and that is all I have. She also told me that she did want to come home she is just afraid, and so am I , but I also have hope today, because Angel did lash out at me and I didn't use over it. We had a tough night last night, and we still love each other this morning. We can have times where we don't always get along or even like each other, but in the end, we can work through these things , together. That is one of the greatest gifts I could ever have in my recovery!

Check this out boys and gurls...Today's Daily Reflection's reading....He is working in my life AGAIN!!!..

A Wide Arc of Gratitude
And speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see AA's beginning.
.....The AA way of Life pg.67

Am I capable of such generous tribute and gratitude to my wife, parents and friends, without whose support I might never have survived to reach AA's doors? I will work on this and try to see the plan my Higher Power is showing me which links our lives together.

HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS....I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

I RAN BUT COULDN'T HIDE...I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections ...

A Day's Plan
On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 86

Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will. Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose, a hundred times if necessary.

Tomorrow I will need to remember this, as I am going back to court once again. This may be the last time we are to appear before the Judge. I called my lawyer today and left her a message about the letter I wrote to the Judge. I plan to give it to him/her, I don't know whether my lawyer will be on board with this decision or not, but she has to do what I want, right? As I mentioned, this just might be the final hearing, a number of things could take place...
A) The Judge could make Angel a Crown Ward, meaning she will not be coming home at all
B) He could award a further 3 - 6 months society ward ship as requested
C) A judgement could be made to send Angel back home today

I will pray tonight for the acceptance to deal with whatever the outcome may be. Tomorrow all of you will be there with me in my heart, as you all have shown such love and support to me. I am so grateful for this. It's funny that my reading today tells me to look at my motives and if I need to, I can start my 24 hour day over at any time! It is a good life I live today, a life that I am no longer ashamed of, a life in which I do my best to live honestly. I also have a life that is filled with supportive people, even though we are cyber-friends (mostly) I feel we are all on the same path (to recovery), and ya never know, one day I might wake up rich instead of just beautiful, then I can travel the world to meet you all...

It seems I have been tagged again! It's not so much that I mind being tagged, it's just that I was tagged by not one, but two people! Are you done laughing yet? Perhaps I could take this as a compliment... you know, acceptance into the blogging community and stuff. I guess that if people are requesting me to list weird things about me, that my freakishness is not as apparent to the outside world as I thought! OK so it's all good I will accept the tags, as soon as I figure out if I have to now write 12 things (due to the double tagging) or only six things 'cause I'm not sure if it's in the rules that one person can be tagged twice for the same thing! Or maybe I'll request my (many) loyal readers and fans to write ONE thing each about me that you all find to be weird, I wonder if that would count towards my tag? Oh never mind, I can just hear you all saying "careful what you wish for Lushgurl". Hmmm, I'll hafta think about this one for a bit....Angel is coming back to visit on Wednesday and I'm sure that SHE can come up with a thing or two that might be considered a little weird! Can I take the 'fifth' on this, I know I'm not an American, but surely I could borrow an amendment ?

People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly! In the end, you need to choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and to tell them to read your blog.

OK. so for the record I will be tagging MC...Lounge Daddy and ummm...Meg. Have fun everyone! I will probably post again tomorrow to let you all know how things went in court, say a prayer for me please. Yeah, and I will also do my tag thingy, tomorrow...stay tuned!