MISS YOU ALL...

I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...

• workin' hard
• still clean and sober
• happy
• grateful for the day
• miss you guys, will come by soon
• wish you all a great day
• gotta go, running late!
  
  

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

IT'S HER PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO...

Well my AAngel is now sixteen. We actually had a very good day on her birthday, our dinner with my mon and my aunt was lovely. AAngel had received quite a bit of money for her birthday and we even had time for a little shopping too! It was fun and once again I was reminded of how different she and I really are. I like most of the clothes she wears and buys, she likes very few of the clothes that I suggest to her and I no longer attempt to buy clothes for her. She has self confidence in her appearance, no body image problems and doesn't care so much what other people think about her, I have major issues with body image, am very self-conscience, and even if I won a beauty contest *LOL* I would believe the people who voted against me!

We had decided to invite a few of her friends over on Saturday afternoon. I told AAngel that it wouldn't really be a party, but she could have some friends over for fajitas and birthday cake. I had bought enough food to feed about 8 to 10 people. I had baked a three layer Devil's food cake. We bought two big bottles of pop and I had asked some neighbors to blow up 16 balloons to decorate the yard with....and nobody showed up! Not one person. So I had to comfort AAngel. as she was obviously hurt and disappointed. But then I had to deal with my own feelings around seeing my daughter hurting and doing all of the work and planning and having no one show up or even call to say they wouldn't be coming. Sometimes life just sucks!

Today I am choosing to have a better day. I sat out in the sun in my garden for an hour. I read my meditation books, and I spoke to my sponsor on the phone. I chose to post about my feelings instead of keeping them all to self where they could fester and grow into anger and resentments. I will meet with my sponsor later today and allow her to give me some unconditional loving. I think that at almost 14 months of sobriety I need to be ever vigilant of my disease and how it still wants for me to stay sick instead of continuing to grow and change and stay well. Here is a reading from 24 Hours a Day...

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone beyond recall. Do I still worry about yesterday?

Prayer for the day

I pray that I may face every situation without fear. I pray that nothing will prove too hard for me to bear.

...and I also pray for the same for all of you today.

IT'S ALL GOOD TODAY

In case anyone was wonderin'... I'm a Blue Jays fan! See more HNT madness here ...
http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yup, I'm back! The me with the eternal optimism, the me who loves life, the me who is grateful to wake up, it's all in there today. I had made a mistake yesterday thinking I had my therapy appointment, but it was actually the day before- ooops! And last night I went to my relapse prevention group to find that I was the only client to show up! It worked out OK though, because I got to talk to the counsellor and the co-facilitator all by self! That's what I'm all about, me, me, me!!! Needless to say, group ended early due to the fact it was a group of one, so I got to come home and watch some of my Jays game before my date with my mom. On my way home, I ran into an old drinking/drugging buddie. He was going through a really bad time and was waiting to get into a 28 day treatment program. He knew I was in the program and asked for my number, he said he wants to get sober but can't do it alone, and was afraid of going to meetings alone... I guess God put me in his path yesterday!

My date with mom was fun. She had given me some money to play bingo with, and some extra to tide me over for the month. Anyway, I would have argued with her, and not taken the extra in the old days, or I would have taken it and spent it on booze or drugs. But yesterday I just said thank you. I know that my mom can afford it and it makes her feel good to help me out this way, so it worked out for both of us. Long story short, I ended up winning at bingo, so I gave my mom half and still had lots left over for me and Angel this weekend. I think since I no longer worry about having money because I always have everything I need, that my HP was sending me a gift of extra! All in all, a really good day.

Here is the reading from 24 Hours A Day...

A lot of well meaning people treat alcoholics like the priest and the Levite. They pass by on the other side by scorning them and telling them what low people they are, with no willpower. Whereas, they really have fallen for alcohol, in the same way as the man in the story fell among the robbers. And the member of AA who is working with others is like the Good Samaritan. Am I moved with compassion? Do I take care of another alcoholic whenever I can?

I must constantly live in preparation for something better to come. All of life is preparation for something better. I must anticipate the morning to come. I must feel, in the night of sorrow that understanding joy tells of confident expectation of better things to come. "Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning". Know that God has something better in store for you, as long as you are making yourself ready for it. All your existence in this world is a training for a better life to come.

I pray that when life is over, I will return to an eternal, spaceless life with God. I pray that I may make this life a preparedness for a better life to come.

As today's post was rather long I will skip writing out my gratitude list, just know that today I am filled with gratitude and love for all of the blessings I have in my life...and for all of YOU too! Happy HNT!

I SUCK AT PICTURE TAKING!

Although my pictures leave much to be desired, I still want to share my garden with you all! Thank goodness I have a green thumb, because I'd never make it as a photographer! On that note, here is today's reading from 24 Hours a Day...

We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking, we wre absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God's help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways, to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don't start any wishful thinking, If we daydream too much, we'll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God's guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish too much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or the wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people's problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.

For me this is so true. Left to my own devices, I can leave a wake of destruction in my path. When I first moved to Toronto, newly out of treatment, some of my friends (who, by the way, were all guys), used to call me a little tornado. It seemed that I had a way of stopping by long enough to have someone (fall in) love me, and then I'd move on. I see now how very selfish I was then. I did not mean for people to get hurt, but I hurt them anyways. I know now how very insecure I really was. I had just broken up with my husband of seven months- so much for "better or worse". At that point in my life, I was feeling so unlovable, so I looked for the love 'out of me'. By the time I got back to recovery THIS time, I had been engaged five times and married once! Wow, talk about needing validation from other people! Today I love me, although there are still days when I love me less, I only need to listen to my HP, to know that I am loved, and not search for that love through others. I think this reading is appropriate in that, I do need guidance in learning to live with, and deal with people in my life.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• although I suck at taking pictures, I can still share my garden!
• I am clean and sober today
• I am willing to learn and grow- even if sometimes it is painful to me
• I do not wish bad things for anyone today
• living in the solution feels much better than living in the problem
• if I am open and honest, He can use me to carry the message
• I am able to love people for who they are, not what they can give me
• I am able to love myself for who I am
• it is Wed. , that means I have my relapse prevention group and the Rainbow AA group
• all of my blogging buddies...that means YOU
• everywhere I look, there is beauty to be seen

I wish everyone a great day today, and one for me too!

ELEVEN MONTHS OF MIRACLES

The following quotes were sent to me via e-mail this morning from Cali, who reminded me that today is my eleven months clean and sober... YAY ME!!! Of course it wouldn't be right to hog all the glory, 'cause as you all know, I DID NOT do this alone! And on that note...

-Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
-Acceptance is mandatory; understanding is optional.
-"Let go or be dragged." (told to me by Jeff W.)
-"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
-"I have to remember that the people on top of the mountain didn't fall there." ~Sara T.
-If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
-I must keep my recovery first to make it last.
-"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
-"It's always the rug you've been sweeping things under that gets pulled out from under you." ~Unknown

And for more words of wisdom, today's Daily Reflection's reading is...

Lighting the dark past
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possesion you have- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert misery and death for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark-as some days must be- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• for eleven months of clean and sober life
• that I am no longer 'locked' in my past
• that I can see how my experiences can benefit others
• for all of the AA friends, in my life- that means all of YOU
• the Maven and her hubby celebrated fourteen years together- WOW!
• I have made a new friend in the program, a woman, who 'gets' me!
• tonight I will start a new relapse prevention group- I like this better than the alternative
• my new 'old' sponsor is always there when I need her
• the phone doesn't always weigh a hundred pounds!
• I spent some time in my garden today, the hyacinths smell sooo pretty
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• it is a sunny day that reflects my mood
• I have come to believe in a Power Greater than myself, and He is restoring me to sanity

I RAN BUT COULDN'T HIDE...I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections ...

A Day's Plan
On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 86

Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will. Throughout the day, as I allow outside circumstances to dampen my spirits, I ask God to sear my consciousness with the awareness that I can start my day over any time I choose, a hundred times if necessary.

Tomorrow I will need to remember this, as I am going back to court once again. This may be the last time we are to appear before the Judge. I called my lawyer today and left her a message about the letter I wrote to the Judge. I plan to give it to him/her, I don't know whether my lawyer will be on board with this decision or not, but she has to do what I want, right? As I mentioned, this just might be the final hearing, a number of things could take place...
A) The Judge could make Angel a Crown Ward, meaning she will not be coming home at all
B) He could award a further 3 - 6 months society ward ship as requested
C) A judgement could be made to send Angel back home today

I will pray tonight for the acceptance to deal with whatever the outcome may be. Tomorrow all of you will be there with me in my heart, as you all have shown such love and support to me. I am so grateful for this. It's funny that my reading today tells me to look at my motives and if I need to, I can start my 24 hour day over at any time! It is a good life I live today, a life that I am no longer ashamed of, a life in which I do my best to live honestly. I also have a life that is filled with supportive people, even though we are cyber-friends (mostly) I feel we are all on the same path (to recovery), and ya never know, one day I might wake up rich instead of just beautiful, then I can travel the world to meet you all...

It seems I have been tagged again! It's not so much that I mind being tagged, it's just that I was tagged by not one, but two people! Are you done laughing yet? Perhaps I could take this as a compliment... you know, acceptance into the blogging community and stuff. I guess that if people are requesting me to list weird things about me, that my freakishness is not as apparent to the outside world as I thought! OK so it's all good I will accept the tags, as soon as I figure out if I have to now write 12 things (due to the double tagging) or only six things 'cause I'm not sure if it's in the rules that one person can be tagged twice for the same thing! Or maybe I'll request my (many) loyal readers and fans to write ONE thing each about me that you all find to be weird, I wonder if that would count towards my tag? Oh never mind, I can just hear you all saying "careful what you wish for Lushgurl". Hmmm, I'll hafta think about this one for a bit....Angel is coming back to visit on Wednesday and I'm sure that SHE can come up with a thing or two that might be considered a little weird! Can I take the 'fifth' on this, I know I'm not an American, but surely I could borrow an amendment ?

People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly! In the end, you need to choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and to tell them to read your blog.

OK. so for the record I will be tagging MC...Lounge Daddy and ummm...Meg. Have fun everyone! I will probably post again tomorrow to let you all know how things went in court, say a prayer for me please. Yeah, and I will also do my tag thingy, tomorrow...stay tuned!