HNT, or HO HUM, IT FEELS LIKE HURRICANE WEATHER...

Well a Happy hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy to all of you, and a very special Happy Belly Button Day to our friend Scout.... Happy Birthday gurl friend I love ya lots!!! Today's HNT pics are to help me decide where to get my tattoo of Eeyore. As some of you may know, I am his biggest fan, I can relate to his waiting for the next bad thing to happen, his wonderful melacholy and the way he constantly loses his tail! If you want to witness some more outrageous hAAlf nAAked fun click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I have had a busy couple of days, AAngel and I went to court this morning for what we thought would be a final court appearance. Since all parties were consenting to the terms, AAngel could have come home to stay today. My lawyer was not there, neither was AAngels' lawyer, but the Judge was prepared to rule anyways. As much as she wants to come home, and I want for AAngel to come home, neither one of us was prepared for this to happen today! She has over two years worth of stuff at the group home. Also, in these last two years AAngel has come to know and love many of the homes' staff. Obviously it will be a bitter-sweet move for her to come back home. so many emotions to deal with, goodbyes to be said, thanks to be given... We asked the Judge to not rule on her homecoming until August 1st, so officially, that will be the day that my baby comes home for good. I am very happy to know that soon we will be a family in the same home again. Today I am choosing to let go of the fears I have about being a family in the same home again. I have to have faith that God will take care of us and guide us to be loving and respectful and kind and supportive of each other.

Here is a meditation and prayer for today from 24 Hours a Day...

To God, a miracle of change in a person's life is only a natural happening. But it is a natural happening operated by spiritual forces. There is no miracle in personalities too marvelous to be an everyday happening. But miracles happen only to those who are fully guidedand strengthened by God. Marvelous changes in people's natures happen so simply, and yet they are free from all other agencies than the grace of God. But these miracles have been prepared for by days and months of longingfor something better. They are always accompanied by a real desire to conquer self and to surrender one's life to God.

I pray that I may expect miracles in the lives of people. I pray that I may be used to help people change.

Before I go off to visit you all at HNT, please take time to sign my guestbook, look it over, steal it for yourself...after all I stole the idea from Granny!!! Oh and thanx to all who have signed up already, much appreciated!

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

BACK TO COURT I GO!

This morning I was up and out the door bright and early (for me) to be at court for 9:30. I am feeling so much better lately and of course it doesn't bother me at all that the sun is out shining. The birds are chirping in the trees, the snow is finally beginning to melt...spring is in the air. Of course, this being Ottawa, I have not yet succombed to the urge to pack away my winter clothes. We here are smart, after all, when it comes to the weather, we know that every year Mother Nature will try to fool us into believing that the very long winter is actually over, only to have another foot of snow dumped on us in April!! HAH, take THAT Mother Nature, I am just going to enjoy the beautiful weather that is here while still dressed in my winter attire!

I just love the longer days. I love listening to the birds chirping outside, and my little Jenny bird calling out to them "hello!" Yup, it seems that somehow, I have managed to survive the long, cold, dark days of winter without a deep depression that has taken me down in the past. I am trying my best to just BE, you know, like not asking too many questions ie: Why is my life so good lately? or OK what will go wrong now? This I admit, is all very new behaviour for me, as I am sure some of you know! I have never felt contented to just have a regular kind of life. In the past I have even been known to create chaos or crisis where none existed before just so I could feel 'normal'. It sounds pretty f-d up, I know, but somehow I just never felt OK with being OK! Well, there goes AA working in my life again!!!

Yeah, so at court the lawyers (mine and Angels) both asked for another continuance, of two weeks. Funny how last year I felt such outrage every time there was a change in THE PLANS. After all I was barely able to hang on to my sanity and I kept thinking 'surely THEY will realize what a mistake THEY made by taking my kid away, any day now THEY will say she can come home'. But, of course that was not to be. As I have said many times, I did stop using coke but had no intention of giving up my other vices, it took me quite a while to admit that my life was unmanageable and then more time to have the desire to do something about it.ON this Friday (by the Grace of God) I will have 9 months of continuous clean and sober living...WOW!!! I am looking forward to getting up and taking my yellow chip to show the new(er)comers that there is hope. And to show the oldtimers how far they have come. Good stuff all around, I'd say! The point is that I am working toward having my child move back home, that is what I want, but I am willing to negotiate today in HER best interest.

Not that long ago Angel told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to 'come home'. I was hurt and angry and whined at length about it on my blog. Since then, we have had several conversations to that effect. Today I GET that she is afraid of so many things, I have on more than one occasion, told her I wouldn't use or drink again, and I have on more than one occasion, gone back to doing just what I promised I wouldn't do. Who can blame her for not exactly trusting me this time? The difference for me is that I have made NO promises today. I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, I am going to meetings, reaching out to others, telling all my secrets and most importantly, not using. That is all I can do for today. I do hope and pray that Angel will come home, but I am not in control of the outcome. I am grateful for that today, it was a lot of pressure thinking I had so much control!

As per usual I want to share from my "Daily Reflections"...

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone's shared experiences became the subject for treasured friendships. I know that the fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset with many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in the fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

What a great way to continue on with my day... until later, my friends...HUGS to ALL!