hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy...

Seeing as it is hAAlf nAAked thursdAAy today, I am just gonna post pictures here for now!
Starting at the top are my hydrangea, then white and yellow asians, then yellow asians with brownish red centers and last but not least, the first of my phlox in bloom!

For more wild and crazy fun, and some skin too, click here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...

A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

A LETTER TO THE MAN...

I have had a busy day today, I had to go to Legal Aid this morning, what a treat. After two and a half hours of waithing , I finally got in to see someone! It was really freakin' cold this morning,
(-41 degrees celcius) but the sun was shining and it felt great to be outdoors!

I finally figured out how to add people to my links list- ALL BY SELF!!!So if anyone sees their name linked to mine, and don't want to admit that you know me in some way, let me know and I'll remove you! (from my links, but not my life!!!) I am so proud of self, I was not only able to add people, but I saved the changes AND my links are actually WORKING...Woo Hoo for Lushgurl!

For today I would like to share with you all a letter I have written to the Judge who will decide wheather or not my Angel will be able to come back home...

Your Honor:
I am writing this letter in support of my application to the court of a further 3 to six months Society Wardship for my daughter Angel It has been just over two years since my daughter was removed from my full-time care. In these past years I have undergone a series of changes in my life and I would ask that Your Honor take the time to read about these changes, so that you may better understand me.
My name is Lushgurl, and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. Two years ago I was so caught up in my addiction(s) that I could not see that my life was so unmanageable. Even when my daughter was removed from my care. I already knew that I was an alcoholic/addict, but did not have the desire to stop using at the time, and a part of me thought that I wouldn’t be able to stop even if I did have the desire to do so. It took me quite some time to re-enter the journey to recovery. On October 21, 2006, I had my first clean day from cocaine. I had tried to quit before but was unsuccessful. At the time I had no intention or desire to stop drinking or using marijuana and not having my daughter with me , I found some small comfort in my using.
In April of 2006, I made a phone call to Rideauwood , they had helped me in the past, and I believed that just maybe they could help me again. In June I attended an intensive ten day treatment program, I have now been clean and sober since June 2, 2006, and on Friday March 6, I picked up my nine month chip at my ‘home group’ in AA. In the past nine months I have been given a gift of sobriety and for that I am very grateful. I had what they call in AA, a spiritual awakening, like I had never experienced before. I all of a sudden ‘got’ that I had to start to love and care for myself, or I could never truly love and care for my daughter. Today I do love and care for myself, and I would very much like the chance to be a mother to my daughter on a full time basis again.
I attend three to six meetings a week, I have a sponsor, I go to Rideauwood for counseling twice a month and I also attend a relapse prevention group there once a week. I am very much aware of my lack of credibility and cannot go back to undo any of the damage I have done. But with all the support I have in my life today, I intend to remain clean and sober for the rest of my life (one day at a time). I am currently looking for a part time job in order to become a more productive member of society. I am doing the best I can for today and want only what is best for my daughter.
At the end of June she will complete her year of High school. On June 2, I will have a full year of clean and sober living. I ask that you please consider giving my daughter and I a chance to be a full family again. I plan to continue with all of the things I am doing to improve my life. I plan to continue having my daughter attend counseling at Rideauwood too. We attend my Friday night meeting together every week and I hope that this too will continue, for me it will. I don’t know what else I can add, I hope that maybe I have given you a better insight into who I am as a human, not just as a woman who has made so many mistakes in her life and the life of my daughter. I love her with my whole self today, more than I ever have before. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Respectfully Yours,

Hey everyone, I just found out that tomorrow is our sweet Meg's 14th AA birthday. Make sure you all stop by to wish her a Happy one, THANKS ALL!