AND THERE SHE WAS GONE...

Hmmmmph!!! I have been sick the last couple of weeks, feelin' better now, but let me tell you, in Lushgurls' world when it rains, it POURS ! So let me catch you all up, and at the risk of bein' a lyin' little lyin' liar, I dare say, I will then be by to begin stalking to y'all....

.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!

It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!

So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!

Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...

This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.

And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME

WALKING DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET

Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

• to be clean and sober
• to not have as much insanity in my life
• the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
• laughter
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
• I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
• my garden is still blooming
• having my AAngel/devilteen home
• my HP loves me no matter what
• my HP forgives my mistakes
• for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here http://krista-wine-o.blogspot.com/

...HERE I AM !!!

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• to know that God loves me unconditionally
• for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
• to feel healthy today
• AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
• I have everything I need, and then some
• to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
• Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
• for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
• all of YOU !!!!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I am inspired to post today by my friend Clarity Case. If you have a moment drop by and give her a hello, she is struggling today http://claritycase.blogspot.com/

I hate meetings, I hate a higher power, I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the disease alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I'm pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover. I have given comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die didn't you call me? I love to make you hurt. I make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry. You can't feel anything at all. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always, when things things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you don't deserve these good things in life. People don't take me seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be possible. I'm such a hated disease , and yet I don't come uninvited. so many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program, your meetings, your Higher Power-all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here......And until we meet again, if we ever meet again, I wish you death and suffering. You got me before, but not anymore, so I'll make this rhyme, one day at a time.

I had received this letter in an e-mail and saved it because it really spoke to me. I felt as if I was really hearing alcohol and drugs voicing the words I had only thought of before. When I'm having crappy days, full of self-loathing and feeling discontented, my counsellor tells me it is my inner addict trying to get back into my life. My inner addict does not want me to succeed in life, 'cause then it has no control over me. When I stay clean and sober my disease loses its' foothold. When I go to meetings and share my experience, strength and hope with others, my disease, and your disease grow weaker. So I hope you all remain clean and sober today, all of us together have a stronger army than our disease ever could dream of having.

Today I am very grateful for the following...

• another day of clean and sober living
• to be getting along well with AAngel
• we are going to visit a friend tomorrow, and I will get to play in her garden
• to have everything I need, and some to share too
• that I am beginning to know how to handle situations which used to baffle me
• for all of the love I feel when I visit your bloggy's
• for being able to accept me today- just the way I am
• my two kitties and my budgie bird, who keep me company when AAngel is not here
• that I am able to grow a garden, and share it with others
• YOU and you and YoU too!!!

NOT MUCH NEW

Here are a couple more garden pics, the first is a new delphiniu ms and the second, my garden angel surrounded by ground cover, wait until you see it bloom, the ground cover I mean...

...And if you can believe this, I have not much to say today! So I will share todays Daily Reflection reading with you...

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colourful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.151

The longer I chased these elusive feelings with alcohol, the more out of reach they were. However, by applying this passage to my sobriety, I found that it described the magnificent new life made available to me by the AA program. "It" truly does "get better" one day at a time. The warmth, the love and the joy so simply expressed in those words grow in breath and depth each time I read it. Sobriety is a gift that grows with time.

So, reading the first part of the above, it didn't take me long to see that I was never normal in my drinking days! Today, I call those who can drink 'normally' earthlings (see Lushisms!). Sometimes I was 'convivial' when drinking, but mostly I drank alone for a number of reasons-

1) I never knew when I would blackout, making a fool of myself

2) I didn't want to have to share my booze with anyone

3) I often drank just to pass out, not a very social thing to do

4) I obsessed too much about the sad state of running out of booze, making me very cranky!

5) my life sucked, so why would I even consider being around others

Yup, it's true, I was not usually a very sociable person in my drinking days, and yes I lived under the illusion that maybe, if I drank enough, my pathetic life would take on new meaning. It just never seemed to happen though, and when I realized that all of my days were eerily resembling the one before, and the one before that etc., I decided to try AA once again. This, at last, has brought me to a place of peace. Not all of my days feel great, but even my worst day today is better than my best day drinking, cliche, I know, but true none the less! Here are just some of the things I am grateful for today...

• to be clean and sober once again


• to have days where I actually want to be around people


• I had enough laundry soap left to finish my washing


• to have everything I need, and then some


• to have summer clothes that fit me- it's going to be about 100 farenheit today!


• I actually invested in a fan this year!


• for the two appoinments I have today, which will get me out of the house


• for the friends I can visit today without leaving my house- that means YOU!

I'll be busy today, but I promise I'll be by to stalk to y'all soon....

LET THE PAST REST IN PEACE

Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
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This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• that I am clean and sober
• Angel and I had a good weekend together
• it is another beautiful sunny day
• I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
• more flowers are blooming in my garden
• there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
• my safe and loving home
• my cats and my budgie
• my health
• my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
• even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
• all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.

WELCOME TO MY BITCH FEST!

I apologize in advance for the beginning of this post, but I just gotta get a few things off my chest! Yesterday ended up sucking!!! First off, as I shared in yesterdays early post, my day started out by having to breathe in the smoke of a neighbors' joint. OK so I got past it, I went in the house and blog-stalked some, then I posted, so I felt ok. Angel was supposed to come yesterday for only one day, she had "ditched" me, her loving momma, on Friday to chill wit da gurls. Fine, I can allow that... but then she called yesterday to ask if it was ok to not come again, *sniff, sniff*, pass the tissue please! I said it was OK , I missed her, but her and da gurls were sun-tanning, it was such a beautiful day and all... Well I resisted the urge to lay a big ol' sloppy guilt trip on her, I didn't want her to come and do nothing here with me, but then I got off the phone and bawled like a big baby!

I grabbed my meditation books and read them, then I called my former sponsor, who I had unceremoniously replaced in the winter time! She was busy moving, but took the time to talk to me. I told her that I really missed her, and wanted her back and we are going to be working on our fourth step together. Then I made another call to someone I was in treatment with, he should be getting his 1 year soon, no one was home, so I bawled again!!!

A gurl friend (Maven) dropped by with a bicycle pump for me, so to get out of my own misery, I went to pump up my tires. When I was in the basement I decided to bring out my chairs and the rest of my garden buddies (fairies, turtles, bunnies, frog and some lanterns). Puttering in my garden always seems to improve my mood. And it worked for a while, I was outside for over an hour weeding, placing all of my garden prizes. I had a big bottle of water, and just sat out looking at all of my stuff that is starting to grow. It was really peaceful. Then I watered and just before I was done "druggy neighbor" came out with another joint. I said, you know when you smoke in your backyard, I can smell it inside my house. She looked at me as if I had sprouted two heads,
then she turned away...HOW RUDE...

This was very unnerving to me. I was polite, I didn't yell or pass judgement, I just pointed out that HER stuff was affecting ME, and she didn't care! So I got on my bike and went for a ride. On my travels, I came across two cops, normally I would avoid these guys, but I was feeling kinda helpless, frustrated, and I thought maybe they could help. I told them that I was in recovery and coming up to my first year. I explained how I had several neighbors who smoked dope outside like it was the most natural thing in the world, and how the smell really triggered me, and how it wafted into my house, and how I had to stay indoors and shut the windows because of this. Their advice? MOVE!!! WTF??? As if I would have to move...I have been here for five years, longer than all of my neighbors...why do I have to move? I continued on my ride and looked forward to getting home to watch my Blue Jays play. They lost...DOH *slaps forehead*...

I had picked up some popcorn at the store and didn't even feel like eating it, so I had a rolo ice cream, nothing like eating my feelings after a tough day LOL ! There is just something about that rolo ice cream, it is sweet and not too chocolatey, it has yummy caramel inside, and it is dipped in chocolate too! Heaven on earth, dare I say better than sex ? Yes... 'cause it's been so long I don't even think I remember !!! I did some more blog-stalking and went to bed about 1:00.

Today has been a somewhat better day. I just really felt the need to vent! I coulda gone to a meeting last night but was too busy "having a day". I know, this is not good for me, and trust me, now that I have my 'blue mustang with the top down' pumped up and ready to go, I'll be travelling to a LOT more meetings. That is what got me through last summer and I am confident that it will work again. I don't have to want to go every time, but I do have to go more. I am really hoping to celebrate my one year in June, so I gotta take care of me, right? OK enough bitching for today, actually that little bitch fest should tide me over for quite a while! Thanks for listening!

Here is the reading from today's Daily Reflections...

NEW SOIL...NEW ROOTS

Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have excellent reason to know. Roots of reality, supplanting the neurotic underbrush, will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves.

As Bill Sees It pg.173

So there you have it, planting, light bulb moments and my need to self destruct, all in one nice neat little package!!! Have a great day folks...

LIFE IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION...

Well, Scott W. tagged me a few days ago, so I guess I'll fulfill my obligations now! I am supposed to write about jobs I've had, hope you have a coffee, my list is not very long and not nearly as exciting as Scott's or MC's....

The very first job I had was a hand-me-down from a gurl friend. She was a home cleaner and one of her clients was an older couple. The wife was very not well and unable to care for herself, let alone take care of a home, the husband was quite aged also, and that was where I came in. I was about 16, I think, and I got paid $20.00 every Sunday to clean their home from top to bottom. Mostly the job was not bad, but one of the things that took forever was the dusting. They had lots of old wood pieces, and all were very ornate, all of the nooks and cranny's used to drive me crazy! Oh and let's not forget all the knick knacks!!! The worst part of the job was definitely cleaning the bathroom *shivers* I almost get sick just thinking about it, it was DISGUSTING! and I had to clean all the mold and mildew in the bath area. It was a tiny little bathroom with no windows... the smell... ewwwww!

I only worked at that job for a few months, then I moved from home. I had to go on welfare from February to June of '78 so that I could finish high school. My next job was at a seedy motel in the outskirts of Ottawa, where I lived. I was a chambermaid and worked both weekend days, it was a pay raise for me - I now made 44 dollars a weekend! Again the work was not really difficult, but it was not a high end establishment, each girl had from five to eight rooms to clean each day. The part of the motel where I worked was reserved more for people who didn't stay too long like sports teams, the bands that played in the disco lounge and other minor celebrities who were in town. A lot of these patrons had parties, and it was pretty brutal to clean- old booze bottles, left over food stuffs, and other stinky stuff! One band that stayed there was "The Ink Spots", when I went to do their rooms, one of the guys made a pass at me, it was not nice!
Another time, I was cleaning a room where the guests had left already, they had LEFT behind a 26 oz. bottle of rye, which I drank!!! I think I was fired after that!

When high school ended I shared an apartment with two other girls, by then I was working in a clothing store. It was supposed to be full time but was only given weekends with an occasional shift during the week. We were only paid $2.22 an hour, and it was not enough to live on! I spent a lot of time driving around with the pizza guys who worked next door- they had dope! I also got fired from that job!

Job number four was for an up and coming tech firm, something I was totally not into, but it was full time so that was good! We had to put these little bitty parts together, you know, the insides of computer boards! It required much attention to detail and if each component was not perfect, the whole thing would not work! I was definitely NOT the top producer on my team LOL. After being there for about a week, my boss took me aside and suggested I try out at a printing company that he knew was hiring, he felt it would be a better fit for me! So I applied at the new place, was hired, and gave my two weeks notice at the tech firm. I had only worked there a total of three weeks!!

My biggest and longest lasting job was working at a security printing company, I was hired in September of '78 and worked there until July of '90. The starting pay was $5.55 an hour, and it was unionized, so if we made it through the probationary period, we were pretty much set. After two years of working there our salary had more than doubled! I started working the evening shift after about six or nine months, hated getting up in the mornings and with all this money I had really started to 'party hardy'! A bonus was that shift work paid an extra fifteen percent, and I got to work lots of overtime! Remember back in the eighties? Money practically grew on trees! I was young, had no dependants, and kind of thought I'd never make it to twenty five, so I spent everything I earned! I did manage to buy a brand new car though, an '84 Mustang, I loved her sooo much. In January of '86, I was in one of my first attempt at sobriety, I had not drank for three whole weeks- it was a miracle! Living on the border between Ontario and Quebec came in handy back then because after the bars closed at one AM here , we would drive five minutes and party til three there! On one of these sober nights I had decided I deserved to celebrate, heading over to Quebec, I was involved in a head on collision. I was hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way parkway! He thought he was going to Quebec- he was wrong!! RIP to my sweet Mustang, I however never made it out to party that night!

I sort of digressed there, sorry! I did manage to work at the Security Printing company for eleven years, I ended up quitting after my disease of addictions ( including alcohol, drugs and anorexia almost killed me). Within months of leaving a treatment centre I was pregnant with Angel, I worked a couple of part time jobs , one in clothing sales, the other at a frozen yogurt place where I gained ten pounds in two weeks from Taste Testing the product!!! The next eight years I stayed at home and (attempted) to raise my daughter.

When Angel was seven. I went to college full time for a child and youth worker course. I barely made it through the first term, and ended up with three incompletes, two B's and an A!!! I tried the work thing again, another part time job in clothing retail. I loved this job and found myself to be quite good at it, my sales exceeded those of employees who had been there for a lot longer than I had! I was fired after only a month because I was frequently late. I had started doing sewing repairs and alterations from my home in '93 I think , so that money tied me over while I stayed home with Angel. After I left college, my family doctor advised me to go on disability. I was having a really tough time with depression, and trying to stay clean and sober. So that started in '96 or '97, and I didn't work again until the summer of 2003.

I worked at an outdoor fruit and vegetable market. We started at six AM and went to six PM, and we got paid in cash, so I didn't declare my earnings. I got paid $88.00 a day and would cross the street after work and spend my earnings in the bar! That was the summer I really started to get out of control with my drinking, after about seven years of sobriety! The money was great to keep me in drugs and booze and I managed to hang on to the job until they closed for the year at the end of September.

In October of 2003 I started working at a small Deli, I have shared a bit about this job before. My boss was also my pot dealer! I worked there part time for about a year, when the other employee (the bosses son) was injured, then I went to full time as well as running the whole place by myself! I was actually very good at the job and I really loved it too, I could go out back (the deli was in a bar) and I could smoke my doobs with a ciggie chaser! I was allowed to smoke dope at this job- just NO DRINKING! Good thing too as I had to cut all of the meats, smoked meat , roast beef brisket and salami! In March of 2005, Angel was taken from me by children's aid, they wanted me to quit my job so I could go to treatment, but I refused because I was the only employee at the time and I thought the deli would close without me. Besides with Angel gone I had begun to drink daily and I needed the money to pay for my habit! I managed to hang on there until March of 2006 at which point I knew I could not continue to live the way I was living. So I quit the Deli with only three days notice. The Deli did end up closing after another month! I have not worked since then, putting all of my energy into my recovery!

So there you have it, once again I am kind of surprised at how much my addictions had a place in my work history! I think I am ready to start a new job but I don't know if my former boss will give a good recommendation or not and I think I am kind of afraid of going back out into the world!!! On a positive note though, I have managed to put together a resume and am at least looking for work again!

..AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS

We have seen the truth again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic"... If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol... To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor to take quantities some of us have.This is particularily true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 33
These words are underlined in my book. They are true for men and women alcoholics. On many occasions, I've turned to this page and reflected on this passage. I need never fool myself by recalling my sometimes differing drinking patterns, or by believing I am "cured". I like to think that, if sobriety is God's gift to me, then my sober life is my gift to God. I hope God is as happy with His gift as I am with mine.

To borrow a quote from my friend Pam "Sobriety is Exhausting!"... This week has been a little messed up, to say the least! Monday I had many naps, after spending five days with Angel. I was totally wiped out! We really didn't DO a whole lot, but just being around another human 24/7 is a little overwhelming for me! I am anxiously awaiting her return home, but with just a touch of fear. It's going to be different for me to once again share my life and home after being on my own for over two years....what if I can't do it? What if I mess her up AGAIN...What if, what if, what if....

Yes Pam- I hear you! KEEP IT IN TODAY!!!

On Tuesday I had cancelled an appointment that I was to find out wasn't until NEXT Tuesday!! I have just been SOOO tired! On Wednesday I actually did something productive- went to my 'Rainbow Group". It was very full and once again, I felt a little overwhelmed at being around people for that long. By yesterday, I was feeling exhausted! Maybe it's still the remnants of being sick a few weeks ago, maybe it's my allergies kicking in already, not quite sure, but I know that I am wiped out this week. Alas, though God had other plans for me yesterday, we had another court date. I didn't even post about it, I guess 'cause in my mind, I was thinking "no biggie, been there done that, this will not be any different". I had even called my lawyer early in the morning to try and not go! I thought that since our appearance was at 11:00, that it would not be before a judge. Good thing I got my sh*t together and showed up though... it was an appearance before Her Honour!

True to the 'old' me, I was running a little late- procrastination, the nectar of the evil ones'...I hadn't eaten or read my daily meditations. At least before I ran out the door, I grabbed a big bottle of water, my "Daily Reflections" book AND my "Twenty four Hours a Day" book, and went to catch the bus. Just as I was walking down the final, short road to the bus stop I saw the bus go whizzing by! I wasn't even within running distance (but I did briefly consider running MC, you too are in my 'daily' mind !) So bus being missed and lushgurl running late used to equal a really good excuse for the AW F**K IT'S to kick in, happily though He put someone in my path that kept me at the bus stop! I was trying to be patient when an 'old' acquaintance rode by on his bike. I had hoped he wouldn't stop to talk, but again, HE had other plans.

The guy was someone I had known from my using days. I never really liked him, found him a little creepy, and he was a coke-head. I think he was interested in me, but as he had nothing to offer me (broke, unemployed, always looking for drugs...) I never hooked up with him- thank God! Any way he did stop to talk and when he asked how I was I immediately launched into "I am clean and sober today, I am going to AA today, blah blah, blah" I was hoping he would get bored and leave, but you know, he had been wondering why I hadn't been around and decided to keep me company while I waited for the next bus! Finally it arrived, and I was feeling kinda icky, so I pulled out my books and read, and prayed, right on the bus. I didn't care if people were looking at me, and I started to feel calmer.

When I got to court there was my Angel and our CAS worker, and we hadn't been called to go in yet, did I EVER wonder if HE is working in my life? At last,we were called in, and the judge was there and was I ever glad that I hadn't blown it off. How bad would it have looked if the 'mother' didn't appear? I think that the judge was reading our applications which included my letter. And the end result was that Angel will be in care until July 19 th, which is EXACTLY one week before she turns 16! At that point we will attend our FINAL court appearance to decide where she will live. I am so relieved that I don't have to worry and fret about any of this again for a while.

So back to the title of this post... AND NO MORE RESERVATIONS...No, I have none. I am today, and always will be, an alcoholic. I do not have any left over thoughts that maybe I can drink or use again. My God is in my life and HE knows what I need even when I don't. If I keep doing the next right thing, then all will be well in my world. And I don't have to fret or worry about tomorrow, for it will be OK too! Now I am going to do my readings and feed my body, my Angel is coming back today! I have some laundry and housework to do and Then I will do my daily blog-stalking! So, yes, I will see you all later! and no, that is NOT a threat, it is a promise!!! Until later... chill baby and peace out y'all- see Angel Yomomma Can Be SICK sometimes!!!

LOOKING BACK AND MOVING FORWARD...

If I were
to close my eyes
would you shed a tear for me?
I'm tired of living
so many lies
I want for sleep to set me free
I always dreamt
of so much more
but happiness I never found
I'm tired of trying
to break these chains
that ever seem to hold me down
where is the hope
that I once knew
the dark of night brings peace you see
when I lay down
to close my eyes
do not shed a tear for me...

written by me on October 4, 2003

I hardly even remember the gurl who wrote this poem and was in so much pain. I know from the date that I had just begun to smoke pot again that spring. I also know that by the summer I was drinking again, and in the fall (no pun intended) I was seduced once again by my nemesis, cocaine. Things were pretty tough back then. Angel and I were fighting (for control?) all of the time. I had started to hang with people who didn't care about me, only what I could give them. I started to sink deeper into despair and self loathing, I couldn't even see the way out. But one thing I did know was that I was not being true to myself, and with every passing day that I used, I fell deeper into the hole that I had dug for myself. I was out of control, my child was out of control, my LIFE was out of control. I wanted out...of all the pain.

I am happy to report that as of today, I have been free of the chains of cocaine addiction for 17 months. Holy cow! Look how far I have come! It was not always an easy road back to recovery, there were many days that I felt I just couldn't go on, the pain was ever present. I just didn't know how I could possibly survive another day (like that). Slowly, and by just putting one foot in front of the other, I started to get well again. I came back to AA, and soon realized that this road was, for me, the easier softer way! Not all of my days have been great and I'm sure that I will have many more difficult days ahead. The difference is that today I have hope and faith and I know with absolutely no reservations, that if I continue to stay clean and sober my worst day today will never be as bad as my best day back then. With the help of my Higher Power and the fellowship of AA, being able to post on my blog and dump the crap and with all of your feedback, My life is so beautiful and I am very grateful for that today.

...and now for our reading from Daily Reflections...

Fear... of economic insecurity will leave us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic cicumstances improve, are two different things. When I was new in AA, I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties : " For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, never preceeded." ( pg 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the gifts God gave me to benefit others. I've found that it is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never "owned" it. My life's purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

So with that my friends, I wish you all a peaceful, loving and sober day.... Enjoy!

MORE GOOD NEWS... I AM BACK!

I can hardly believe that it has been over a week since I last posted! While my ego was bruised that the world at large did not come to a screeching halt without my presense, my heart was glad to see my sober buddies still right where I left them after my last stalk-a-thon!

I have been quite sick, no, not just in the head! I have actually been ill! Last weekend was the worst I have felt since getting sober, and I remember every excruciating detail of my misery...So I am grateful for that! The child insisted on coming to visit last weekend, although I did try to talk her out of it. I had called her to say I was sick, you know, give her an out, but she said that she wanted to come anyway, and that she could help take care of me! How times have changed! When I was still drinking, she would spike my coffee for me in the morning, probably so I wouldn't take it out on her (how badly I was feeling), today, she Wanted to help me feel better!

I'm not sure exactly what was ailing me, maybe a flu bug, I just know that by Saturday night my temperature had soared to 104 degrees! The thing is, my Angel was here to wake me up and monitor my temp every so often. She brought me lots of liquids to drink, filled a cool bath for me to sit in and was just Here for me when I was feeling so badly. God I love her! What a beautiful young lady she is turning into! Despite my best efforts to bring her down with me on my personal road to hell, she stills loves me and is willing to spend the weekend with a sick mommy who sleeps alot and complains that the bath water is too cold!!! Thankfully I am feeling much better today. I am still coughing up a lung every so often, but have not had a fever since Monday. No I haven't been to a doctor yet, but will go on Monday if I am still symptomatic.

On Saturday my Angel had asked me if she could meet up with a friend that she hadn't seen in about a year. I said yes, mostly because I was too sick to entertain her, but also because she has shown herself to be trustworthy. I don't have to worry about her going out and getting into trouble ( you know, devilteen stuff like scoring drugs or shop lifting, things she USED to do). Any way the friend was a guy that she used to go to school with, and I had absolute trust in her. I gave her my cell phone 'just in case' and a couple of bus tickets for getting home. We discussed where she would be and what time she would be home and I didn't feel the need to check up on her in the hour and a half that she was out of my sight! What a great new life!

Angel had left here at about three thirty and said she'd be home in a couple of hours... at quarter to five she was back safe and sound and sharing how the visit went! That's different! Well apparently the boy was quite happy to see my daughter, and had asked if he could hold her hand. She said yes that would be ok. A little while later he asked if he could have a kiss ( in my mind as she is telling me this I'm thinking "no, stop I don't wanna hear about it!"), but she continues oblivious to my screaming fears in my mind... She tells me " you know mom, when he asked if he could kiss me I got kind of an icky feeling in my tummy. I said no because I didn't know him that well and then I told him I had to be home by four thirty". Yes , this is MY daughter I am talking about here! She said NO! She meant NO and the best part, she listened to her inner voice telling her it was time to leave! WOW, AMAZING, WAY TO GO ANGEL!!!

For all of her life I have tried to teach my Angel how to best protect herself to stay safe, I guess in part because of all the abuse I had suffered growing up but more because I wanted her to know that she could say NO, she could set boundaries and her feelings were right and valid. I remember once when she was about four, still in kindergarten, when I went to pick my Angel up the teacher took me aside and said "I have something to tell you". Of course my first thought was Oh God what did she do, what will it cost me? But to my surprise, the teacher wanted to praise me for the way I was bringing up my child... You see there was a little boy who had a crush on my Angel and for the most part she was happy to be the object of his affections, but it seemed that during the story circle, this little boy sat just a little too close,and instead of belting him or yelling at him, Angel simply said " Can you move over, you are invading my boundaries!" FOUR years old at the time!

The teacher thought this was so incredibly cute, but also got how important this lesson was to give a little girl such a strong sense of self. YOU GO GIRL!!! I have seen Angel do stuff like this many different times throughout her life and am always quite amazed and proud of her. It hasn't always been easy either. One time an ' Auntie' was leaving after spending the weekend with us, the auntie said come and give me a hug and kiss goodbye, but Angel said "NO". Auntie was quite offended and tried to insist on the hug/kiss thing at which point I spoke up and repeated that Angel said no and you have to respect that. Funny how people just assume that if you are a grown up a child must do what they are told. I have shared many a time that Angel has said no to me which has led me to pull out my hair, but I truly believe that it is all good, especially when I see her standing up for herself and not doing something just to not offend another person. As much as I wish I had been told it was ok to say no when I was little, I am so grateful to be able to teach this to my child today.

In keeping with my happy frame of mind today, here is my 'Daily Reflections' reading for today...

A THANKFUL HEART
I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.
As Bill sees it pg. 37

My sponsor told me that I should be a grateful alcoholic and have "an attitude of gratitude"--- that gratitude was the basic ingredient of humility and that "anonymity was the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities". As a result of this guidance, I can start every morning on my knees thanking God for three things: I am alive, I am sober and I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I try to live an "attitude of gratitude" and thoroughly enjoy another twenty four hours of the AA way of life. AA is not just something I joined, it is something I live.

Here's wishing you all another gift of a happy and grateful attitude throughout your day!