DOING THE RIGHT THING

Happy Sunday to one and all. What better way to start our day than to read today's Daily Reflection...

Referring to our list {inventory} again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action for the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

Today I realize how I have come to not only know the right thing to do in most situations, but it actually feels better to actually do it! Flash back to about this time last year... my next door neighbor, to whom I had become quite close, was moving. It was bittersweet for me in that for about three years we were pretty good friends. I had also used her as an excuse to relapse, in that she was a social drinker, you know, one of those people who could go out for an evening and at the end of the night still have half a drink left over! The worst part for me was knowing of the eleventh commandment, which I was sure said "Thou shalt not waste alcohol!" But I digress.

The thing is, over the years we had shared lots of stuff , including my garden, do any of you know how psycho I am for my garden? LOL The thing is, I had once again become clean and sober, and my friend who near the end had become quite judgemental about this 'cokehead' as she would refer to me. Our frienship had ended about the time I came back to recovery. So in my righteous indignation about her shunning of me, after all the things I had done for her, including sharing my precious garden, I decided to 'take back my life', in the form of some of the many plants I had given her! Can you see where this is going? No? Well let me tell you!

This woman absolutely ignored me, and it hurt, but it was easier for me to get angry than to cry over losing a friend. So one day, I had decided to take back my garden, one plant at a time. I waited for a day when I was sure that neighbor gurl was not home, I was out watering my garden and I was getting angrier and angrier that she had some Asians that I had shared with her, mine never bloomed, but hers did in all their Asian glory! So I went to her yard and plucked one up, root and all, quite pleased that I would get my little flower back, and just when I was re-entering my yard, she saw me! CRAP- busted!!! And to make matters worse, because I didn't think she was home, when she screamed "Just what the HELL do you think YOU are doing?", I nearly jumped out of my skin!!!

Long story shorter...I knew at the time, that what I was doing was wrong. I had shared my garden out of love, it really did make me happy to give her some of what I had. But my hurt feelings and resentment at her grew when I found she was moving, without crying to say goodbye to me, and my anger caused me to retaliate. I think of this gurl often, wonder how she is doing, and try to remember the fun we once had. I know that I definately owe her an apology, for my behaviour. I am reminded of a saying that one of AAngels' grade school teachers had : "It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong!" Hope you all have a wonderful day!

TO FEEL OR NOT TO FEEL....

The following is from pages 90 &91 in the 12 X 12...

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle.

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism, furious power-driven argument, sulking, and silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

And when I read this earlier today, I knew I was going to have to start thinking and dealing about anger. Not only my own anger, and I'm not saying it is never a problem, but I'm talking about AAngels' anger. No one, it seems is better at pushing my buttons than she is, however with much patience and practice, I am learning to not react with my mouth before I have given my brains a chance to weigh in on the situation. One of the tools I had learned in a parenting course, was to literally bite my tongue and count to ten before talking. Another tool was to just walk away and not to respond to outbursts from my child, so as not to escalate the situation. For the most part these things work well, and in most cases, when I do not engage or react, AAngel will calm down, and we can continue to have a good day.

Most of our visit went well this time, but it did not end on a good note. Often when AAngel does not get her own way, she will throw a fit, and that was the case just before she left this time. I stood my ground and didn't give in to her angry behaviour, and as per usual, she became even more angry, and went for the jugular. Knowing me the way she does, AAngel knows that resorting to insults and name calling really hurt me, so that is exactly what she did. Her parting words were angry and hurtful, and we haven't spoken since because she has gone camping with the group home. I have always told her I loved her before either one of us has gone anywhere, I've always said that just in case we never saw each other again, that the last memories would be of love and not bad feelings. this time, it was all I could do to restrain myself from throwing her and her stuff out the door, when the staff came to pick her up.

The anger that AAngel has needs to be resolved, but I am at a loss how to help her. She absolutely refuses to go to counselling, and although I am registered for another parenting course (specifically parenting teens) it does not start until September. I am afraid of these outbursts, and the thought of them occurring more frequently when she moves back home. My usual way in dealing with someone elses anger is to withdraw or to hurt myself, and neither one of these behaviours are going to be helpful when AAngel is here full time again. So for today I am sleeping and eating chocolate, oh, and talking about my feelings so that they will not take over everything. Wish me luck, and a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either! So see ya for now, and before I forget...

HAPPY 4th of JULY to all of my American friends!

LOVE AND TOLERANCE

This is what I read today in Daily Reflections...

Love and tolerance of others is our code.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

I have found that I have to forgive others in all situations to maintain any real spiritual progress. The vital importance of forgiving may not be obvious to me at first sight, but my studies tell me that every good spiritual teacher has insisted strongly upon it.
I must forgive injuries, not just in words, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons' sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other troubles that have nothing to do with my original problem.

How true is this reading for me? I can remember back when Angel was first born, her father and I struggled so much and eventually broke up. I had so liitle respect for him and the choices he would make, I used to get SO angry with him (for being late to pick up his daughter for a visit, for drinking, for dating yet another woman) and my sponsor would simply say "Pray for him!"... What d'ya mean PRAY FOR HIM? I want to rip his head off and feed it to him with an apple in the mouth!!! I just did not GET IT. How times have changed for me, and truth be told, I never would have believed that I would ever get to the point of being grateful to have met this man. Indeed, if we had not been together, I never would have had my Angel in my life!

I had a friend not so long ago who was so full of anger and resentment that it actually scared me at times. WHY? I think because I recognized in her, how toxic that anger was, it actually helped me to want to let go of my anger. I would listen to the rants "so and so did this and whathisname did that and girl is a tramp" and on and on... AND yes, on more than one occasion I would find myself as a target of all this hate. When we had a falling out and she no longer wanted to be my friend (about the time I rediscovered the program), it broke my heart. She was not always a supportive and loving friend, but still, who would be my friend if she wasn't?

I feel so much better today about my life, and about me. I still don't have a lot of friends, but the people who are in my life today are true friends. They love and support me unconditionally, they are healthy people leading healthy lives. I am making better choices for me and it seems to be attracting better people to me - how does that work? I never would have believed that I could be so accepting of others, even the ones who still rant and rave and spew hatred, I realize that God puts people in our path for a reason. Sometimes that reason might be to hold a mirror up to me to show me what I need to look at in myself. Today I can truly pray for those who have hurt me and I can pray for the willingness to forgive. I am so glad that when I do feel anger or resentment today I can look at myself to find out why I have such a strong reaction to people.

When I began my day today I felt good, followed my daily routine of coffee, blog-stalking, more coffee, more blog stalking! I wasn't seeing too many new posts and was starting to feel just a touch of resentment- don't these people realize that in my very unbusy life, I NEED my fix of new blogs to read? Then I started to read such beautiful and uplifting posts and *POOF*, resentment was gone, then I realized I had not yet eaten or read my Daily Reflections book. So I grabbed something to feed me with and opened up the book and the rest, as they say, is history!

Today I am going to do my best to live without the chains of anger and resentment. I think I'll have a great day, and how about YOU...

WHINE AND SONG...WHY NOW?

I was so looking forward to my Angel coming today for the rest of March break and she is here now, but things aren't going so well. I guess she is feeling a lot of stress right now, but I am only guessing, as she has not chosen to share anything with me (yet). We had our plan of care last week, and were in court this week, so just that is a lot of stuff. In the house where Angel lives right now, there are different levels. They are based on the behavior of each girl. Angel had been on the highest level for quite a while and believe me when I say, that was no small feat! My child is used to getting her own way, you see, I have not always been very good at setting boundaries and following through with consequences. We are both paying for this today.

A lack of more stable parenting on my part has created a child who, when she doesn't get her way will become very angry, sometimes even abusive to others. Where she lives now, they have aggression work if the child has been verbally abusive... Angel has done a lot of 'aggression work' ! When she is with me (for the most part anyway) we have been getting along quite well. When the horns start sprouting, I mostly have been able to bite my tongue and let it go. Like I said though, I think stuff has been going on lately, stuff that is causing Angel to be more angry, and I, as the mom, am now feeling the wrath.

Last week I found out that Angel had bought pot for one of the girls in the house, and she smoked some too. For this she got 'drug cons' which basically means she lost all her levels and had to start over. It also meant that she had no free time to leave the house on her own. By Tuesday Angel had regained a level- way to go, keep up the good work! On Wednesday there was a (party) sleepover at a 'friends' house... this was a friend that the staff in the house don't really know, but they allowed Angel to go and guess what happened? She drank! She had to tell me when she got to my house today. Of course this also means that she has once again lost her level and privileges. I tried to be supportive, but who am I kidding? I am her mother after all, and I truly want to throttle her for using last week and drinking this week, but I can't.

I went to my meeting tonight and it was good, it's an open discussion meeting that I have attended ever since I came back to the program. Angel had stayed home to work on homework, which was fine with me. At what point did things go horribly wrong? Probably about 11:00 when I told Angel it was time for bed (we had spoken earlier and agreed that eleven was late enough), but she puttered and stalled and at almost twelve came downstairs and announced she was hungry. I swear, I fed her supper, brought her some beef jerky and we had some almonds, so I didn't think she was starving and said " It's too bad you've waited until midnight, but it is bed time now"... and she was off... The attitude came out big time. She stomped up to her room and called me a bitch to which I replied "I love you!" I tried to go and talk to her, but she didn't want to speak to me. I said it was unfair of her to get angry just because she's not getting her way and I will not tolerate being called a bitch, because I don't deserve that. I seriously almost lost it. I also said that if she was not prepared to follow the rules then maybe she could go (home) tomorrow... WRONG THING TO SAY! Angel then told me she wanted to leave TONIGHT. She went out for a walk, yes, after midnight, then came back, took the phone and went straight to her room.

I'm hoping the worst is over for now, but I gotta tell you, for a moment there I almost panicked, I mean honestly this is not the same child who left me two years ago, she's almost sixteen now, and still knows how to bully me and push my buttons. I'm kind of scared, I guess, I want her to come home to me so badly that it hurts my heart, but I don't want to mess her up even more than I may have all ready. Why does parenting have to be so hard?

OK, rant is over (for now)...Get some perspective Lushgurl...Tonight I am grateful for...

-being clean and sober today

-my AA meetings that remind me how to stay clean and sober

-my blog, a place where I can vent if I need to

-all of the people in my life who believe in me and support me in my recovery

-the food I have eaten, a safe place to live, and a warm bed to sleep in

-that I have a Higher Power to hold me when I need a hug