DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

LOOKING BACK AND MOVING FORWARD...

If I were
to close my eyes
would you shed a tear for me?
I'm tired of living
so many lies
I want for sleep to set me free
I always dreamt
of so much more
but happiness I never found
I'm tired of trying
to break these chains
that ever seem to hold me down
where is the hope
that I once knew
the dark of night brings peace you see
when I lay down
to close my eyes
do not shed a tear for me...

written by me on October 4, 2003

I hardly even remember the gurl who wrote this poem and was in so much pain. I know from the date that I had just begun to smoke pot again that spring. I also know that by the summer I was drinking again, and in the fall (no pun intended) I was seduced once again by my nemesis, cocaine. Things were pretty tough back then. Angel and I were fighting (for control?) all of the time. I had started to hang with people who didn't care about me, only what I could give them. I started to sink deeper into despair and self loathing, I couldn't even see the way out. But one thing I did know was that I was not being true to myself, and with every passing day that I used, I fell deeper into the hole that I had dug for myself. I was out of control, my child was out of control, my LIFE was out of control. I wanted out...of all the pain.

I am happy to report that as of today, I have been free of the chains of cocaine addiction for 17 months. Holy cow! Look how far I have come! It was not always an easy road back to recovery, there were many days that I felt I just couldn't go on, the pain was ever present. I just didn't know how I could possibly survive another day (like that). Slowly, and by just putting one foot in front of the other, I started to get well again. I came back to AA, and soon realized that this road was, for me, the easier softer way! Not all of my days have been great and I'm sure that I will have many more difficult days ahead. The difference is that today I have hope and faith and I know with absolutely no reservations, that if I continue to stay clean and sober my worst day today will never be as bad as my best day back then. With the help of my Higher Power and the fellowship of AA, being able to post on my blog and dump the crap and with all of your feedback, My life is so beautiful and I am very grateful for that today.

...and now for our reading from Daily Reflections...

Fear... of economic insecurity will leave us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

Having fear reduced or eliminated and having economic cicumstances improve, are two different things. When I was new in AA, I had those two ideas confused. I thought fear would leave me only when I started making money. However another line from the Big Book jumped off the page one day when I was chewing on my financial difficulties : " For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, never preceeded." ( pg 127). I suddenly understood that this promise was a guarantee. I saw that it put priorities in the correct order, that spiritual progress would diminish that terrible fear of being destitute, just as it diminished many other fears.

Today I try to use the gifts God gave me to benefit others. I've found that it is what others valued all along. I try to remember that I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I never "owned" it. My life's purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess.

So with that my friends, I wish you all a peaceful, loving and sober day.... Enjoy!

WHINE AND SONG...WHY NOW?

I was so looking forward to my Angel coming today for the rest of March break and she is here now, but things aren't going so well. I guess she is feeling a lot of stress right now, but I am only guessing, as she has not chosen to share anything with me (yet). We had our plan of care last week, and were in court this week, so just that is a lot of stuff. In the house where Angel lives right now, there are different levels. They are based on the behavior of each girl. Angel had been on the highest level for quite a while and believe me when I say, that was no small feat! My child is used to getting her own way, you see, I have not always been very good at setting boundaries and following through with consequences. We are both paying for this today.

A lack of more stable parenting on my part has created a child who, when she doesn't get her way will become very angry, sometimes even abusive to others. Where she lives now, they have aggression work if the child has been verbally abusive... Angel has done a lot of 'aggression work' ! When she is with me (for the most part anyway) we have been getting along quite well. When the horns start sprouting, I mostly have been able to bite my tongue and let it go. Like I said though, I think stuff has been going on lately, stuff that is causing Angel to be more angry, and I, as the mom, am now feeling the wrath.

Last week I found out that Angel had bought pot for one of the girls in the house, and she smoked some too. For this she got 'drug cons' which basically means she lost all her levels and had to start over. It also meant that she had no free time to leave the house on her own. By Tuesday Angel had regained a level- way to go, keep up the good work! On Wednesday there was a (party) sleepover at a 'friends' house... this was a friend that the staff in the house don't really know, but they allowed Angel to go and guess what happened? She drank! She had to tell me when she got to my house today. Of course this also means that she has once again lost her level and privileges. I tried to be supportive, but who am I kidding? I am her mother after all, and I truly want to throttle her for using last week and drinking this week, but I can't.

I went to my meeting tonight and it was good, it's an open discussion meeting that I have attended ever since I came back to the program. Angel had stayed home to work on homework, which was fine with me. At what point did things go horribly wrong? Probably about 11:00 when I told Angel it was time for bed (we had spoken earlier and agreed that eleven was late enough), but she puttered and stalled and at almost twelve came downstairs and announced she was hungry. I swear, I fed her supper, brought her some beef jerky and we had some almonds, so I didn't think she was starving and said " It's too bad you've waited until midnight, but it is bed time now"... and she was off... The attitude came out big time. She stomped up to her room and called me a bitch to which I replied "I love you!" I tried to go and talk to her, but she didn't want to speak to me. I said it was unfair of her to get angry just because she's not getting her way and I will not tolerate being called a bitch, because I don't deserve that. I seriously almost lost it. I also said that if she was not prepared to follow the rules then maybe she could go (home) tomorrow... WRONG THING TO SAY! Angel then told me she wanted to leave TONIGHT. She went out for a walk, yes, after midnight, then came back, took the phone and went straight to her room.

I'm hoping the worst is over for now, but I gotta tell you, for a moment there I almost panicked, I mean honestly this is not the same child who left me two years ago, she's almost sixteen now, and still knows how to bully me and push my buttons. I'm kind of scared, I guess, I want her to come home to me so badly that it hurts my heart, but I don't want to mess her up even more than I may have all ready. Why does parenting have to be so hard?

OK, rant is over (for now)...Get some perspective Lushgurl...Tonight I am grateful for...

-being clean and sober today

-my AA meetings that remind me how to stay clean and sober

-my blog, a place where I can vent if I need to

-all of the people in my life who believe in me and support me in my recovery

-the food I have eaten, a safe place to live, and a warm bed to sleep in

-that I have a Higher Power to hold me when I need a hug