THE RETURN OF DELI GURL PART ONE

'Kay you all, I have so much to share and as usual no time to do it! Do you realize that it takes me about an hour to type, check and publish each and every post? LOL- I never claimed to be a whiz on the compy after all!!!

So, deli dude ended up taking an undisclosed amout of time off from the Deli. Boss man brought in a few other people to cover the loss of one employee, I work with one of the newbies directly, the others work the evening shift mainly in the store so I don't know them that well. If ya haven't guessed yet, I have been sooooo busy, I haven't even posted or visited anyone. Gawd. I so miss all of you, it's just at the best of times I have a tough time typing, and with all of my extra hours and responsibilities, my hands have been pretty swollen and useless by the time I actually make it home at night!

The good news/bad news is that I may be back to haunt you all sooner than I had originally thought! I don't yet know for sure, but I may be unemployed again! Check in for " Part Two ", as I have more info to fill in... for now I will leave with a gratitude list followed by a couple of pics of my not-so-pretty hands wearing a couple of rings that have a story to go with them...

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I have my relapse prevention group tonight
  
• I actually had a BIG craving to drink today, but chose NOT TO


• My daughter and I are having issues, but not killing each other today!


• to be healthy, happy and sober


• to have people in my life who love me unconditionally


• to be able to check in today and let all y'all know I am still alive and kickin'


• to be alive and kickin'
  Um, I know the pic is hard to see, but the ring on the left is one with my late fathers' birthstone in it- a topaz. A friend of AAngels found it and when I heard what it looked like I bought it from him for $20. On Thanksgiving (2nd Monday in October for us Canucks) I showed my mom, and told her that it made me feel like dad was still with me to have the ring on, so she gave me one with her birthstone (an emerald). Both of the rings have diamonds around the centre stone and are really pretty- it is like my own tribute to my mom and dad....

...HERE I AM !!!

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• to know that God loves me unconditionally
• for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
• to feel healthy today
• AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
• I have everything I need, and then some
• to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
• Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
• for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
• all of YOU !!!!

HEAVEN'S LIGHT SHINING DOWN

This is from 24 Hours A Day...

The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things, but they add up to a satisfactory and happy life. You take out of life what you put into it. So I'd say to people coming into AA: "Don't worry about what life will be like without liquor. Just hang in there and a lot of good things will happen to you. And you'll have that feeling of quiet satisfaction and peace and serenity and gratitude for the grace of God". Is my life becoming really worth living?

I don't know about you, but I find this to be true in my life today. When I am in a bad mood, the people I come in contact with are idiots! If I am feeling grateful for all of the beauty around me, the world is beautiful to me. If I snap at the waitress for taking too long with my breakfast, it will probably be cold or come with burnt toast. If I say to you that I appreciate your friendship, then maybe you will call on a friend who has been feeling down lately. I do believe that what goes around, comes around. I used to live in constant fear of the retribution for the pain I caused in my drinking days. I couldn't trust you, because I couldn't trust me. You weren't always truthful with me because I lied to you all the time. How my life has changed today. I am learning to trust and love and be the kind of friend that I want to have. I am learning to reach out to you and in kind you are reaching out to me. It's ALL good today!

Here are just a few of the things that have made me smile today...

• I finally found the Collective soul video to post on my blog
• the sky is the most perfect shade of blue
• I watered my garden last night for the first time this year
• a friend is lending me a bicycle pump so I can start to ride my "blue mustang with the top down" again LOL
• my little Jenny bird chirps to the birds outside everyday
• my next door neighbor was smoking a joint this morning and it bothered me so I told her and went inside (I didn't WANT it either)
• my home group meeting is tonight
• the weather is getting so warm that I think I can put away my winter coat for real
• even though My Blue Jays lost, I have faith that they'll play well in Baltimore tonight
• I have everything I need today and then some...
• I have discovered "smiley's" and I know how to add them to my posts!
• even though I'm a freak you seem to love me anyway
• all of you who trudge this happy road with me, you guys ROCK

LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES

In today's Daily Refflection's it talks about two things that cannot live together in the same heart...

All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 49

"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there". I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is " the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear". Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realilze that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.

My emotions have been all over the place in the last week or so. I think for me it started with the news of more Canadians killed in Afghanistan, then the controversy surrounding Don Imus and his racial slurs against the young womens' basketball team, and more recently the tragic shooting that took place in the Virginia college. All of these things have been fighting to shake my belief in a loving God, as I understand Him. For most of my life I had the belief that God "would get me" if I was 'bad', and it seemed that I was bad more than I was good. My cousins, who were Catholic used to tell me that not only would I go to Hell because I hadn't been baptized, but I was ripe for the picking of the devil because of this. So I lived in constant, excruciating fear. At night I would pray to God to save me, I didn't want to go to Hell, I knew I was already there. When I was molested I was told, in not so many words that "I was Bad", it was my fault, so I figured that I would surely burn in everlasting damnation if I were to take my own life, which is what I really wanted to do.

I think, as a little gurl, the fact that my mom had taken me to Sunday school saved my butt on many an occasion. The stories I heard there were stories of hope and miracles. It was a loving God who gave His son to pay for the sins of man. At night, I would pray to this God to make my life more bearable, I didn't know if He heard me, but it made me feel better just having the hope that Someone was there to hear my pleas. Somehow, deep down inside I believed that my life would get better. I never knew how or when, just that the hope of better things ahead, carried me through the toughest times in life. A therapist once told me that "there is not room, in the same heart, for hope and fear". Today I am reminded of this in my daily readings and also when I hear of all the tragedies in the world around us.

I know in my heart that I cannot do anything to change you, your beliefs, or your actions. Yes I am powerless over any and all things that are not me. I do believe, however that if I can 'keep my side of the street clean', that maybe my neighbor will be motivated to do the same. If I always treat you with love and respect, then perhaps you will pass this along to the people you come in contact with in your day. If I never give up on doing the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do, I have to believe that my life will not be lived in vain. So today I pray for all people who live in fear, that they may find the peace that hope that a loving God can bring. I pray that those who are hurting will know that they will experience freedom fom pain one day. I pray that I can remain clean and sober so that I can share my hope and joy with others' who may have lost theirs today.... I wish you all peace and joy and love today.

FAMILY- BY BLOOD OR CHOICE

As usual, it seems that when I have a good day or two, I start to feel not so good! I'm not really depressed or anything, just a little out of sorts. The good news is, that I haven't needed to drink or use or other wise be bad to me! And of course I know that 'this too shall pass'... I had a good Easter despite how my weekend started (fighting with Angel).

I went to my mom's on Sunday so I got to see my sister and my two nieces also. I spent the whole day there which was great as I don't see my sister that often. It was good and tiring at the same time. My sister does not "get" alcoholism, and she's extremely smart, but I think that she is one of those who see my disease as more of a character defect. At one point I asked to borrow their computer so I could check up on my blogging buddies, my sister kind of rolled her eyes and said "You have a blog" *slight snorting sound added for emphasis.* I chose to ignore the sarcasm, and just explained how I have met these wonderful people from all over the world, and how we 'talk' and how it's kind of like me having a meeting everyday, in my home! I know she didn't understand. But all of you guys probably know me so much better than my sister ever could. You are like the family I choose to have today.

When I first started on my journey to recovery, I had a lot of hurt feelings left over from my family of origin. I never felt like I belonged or was good enough, smart enough , successful enough. I so desperately wanted their approval, but no matter how hard I tried, I always felt judged and not as good as. I think maybe I am feeling a little like that today, after spending time with my mom and sister and her husband and family. At least today I won't beat myself up so much for being different, I'm not better or worse than- just different, and today I think I am OK with that. I just feel kinda "little" today, if that makes any sense at all!

I think the bestest way I know to feel better about me, is to list the many things in my life that I am grateful for so here we go...Today I am grateful for the following:

• I am clean and sober
• I went to a meeting tonight even though I didn't feel like it
• a good friend took me out for breakie this morning (I had oatmeal with raisins!)
• I ran into an old friend who offered to smoke a doob with me and I said NO
• my cats love me even when I forget to feed them!
• all of my sober blogging friends who (seem) to love me ...whatever!!!
• I have a safe place to call home today
• my bed is comfy and warm, and all to self!
• I got e-mails from a couple of friends tonight- it made my day
• my "boys" kicked butt against the Royals tonight
• I ate popcorn for supper and I don't feel guilty about it
• tomorrow is another day...

Once again this is a short post, hope I didn't disappoint anyone, but if I did, too bad!!! LOL. I will be back again and I hope you all have a great night! Love you all...

LOVE AND TOLERANCE

This is what I read today in Daily Reflections...

Love and tolerance of others is our code.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

I have found that I have to forgive others in all situations to maintain any real spiritual progress. The vital importance of forgiving may not be obvious to me at first sight, but my studies tell me that every good spiritual teacher has insisted strongly upon it.
I must forgive injuries, not just in words, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons' sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other troubles that have nothing to do with my original problem.

How true is this reading for me? I can remember back when Angel was first born, her father and I struggled so much and eventually broke up. I had so liitle respect for him and the choices he would make, I used to get SO angry with him (for being late to pick up his daughter for a visit, for drinking, for dating yet another woman) and my sponsor would simply say "Pray for him!"... What d'ya mean PRAY FOR HIM? I want to rip his head off and feed it to him with an apple in the mouth!!! I just did not GET IT. How times have changed for me, and truth be told, I never would have believed that I would ever get to the point of being grateful to have met this man. Indeed, if we had not been together, I never would have had my Angel in my life!

I had a friend not so long ago who was so full of anger and resentment that it actually scared me at times. WHY? I think because I recognized in her, how toxic that anger was, it actually helped me to want to let go of my anger. I would listen to the rants "so and so did this and whathisname did that and girl is a tramp" and on and on... AND yes, on more than one occasion I would find myself as a target of all this hate. When we had a falling out and she no longer wanted to be my friend (about the time I rediscovered the program), it broke my heart. She was not always a supportive and loving friend, but still, who would be my friend if she wasn't?

I feel so much better today about my life, and about me. I still don't have a lot of friends, but the people who are in my life today are true friends. They love and support me unconditionally, they are healthy people leading healthy lives. I am making better choices for me and it seems to be attracting better people to me - how does that work? I never would have believed that I could be so accepting of others, even the ones who still rant and rave and spew hatred, I realize that God puts people in our path for a reason. Sometimes that reason might be to hold a mirror up to me to show me what I need to look at in myself. Today I can truly pray for those who have hurt me and I can pray for the willingness to forgive. I am so glad that when I do feel anger or resentment today I can look at myself to find out why I have such a strong reaction to people.

When I began my day today I felt good, followed my daily routine of coffee, blog-stalking, more coffee, more blog stalking! I wasn't seeing too many new posts and was starting to feel just a touch of resentment- don't these people realize that in my very unbusy life, I NEED my fix of new blogs to read? Then I started to read such beautiful and uplifting posts and *POOF*, resentment was gone, then I realized I had not yet eaten or read my Daily Reflections book. So I grabbed something to feed me with and opened up the book and the rest, as they say, is history!

Today I am going to do my best to live without the chains of anger and resentment. I think I'll have a great day, and how about YOU...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

So here I am, on Valentine's day, all by self (big surprise there!) The very strange thing is that I am not feeling sad or sorry for myself. I am not going to spend the day avoiding people, places, or things that remind me, endlessy, how it should really suck to be single today! I don't quite know how I got here, I mean the new and improved version of self! Could it be that I am actually starting to change? Could it be that I have managed to stay clean and sober through many trials in my life? Could it be that maybe I am starting to feel ok about me? Could it be because I am going to meetings, not just in body, but in spirit too? HMMMM...Nah It's just a MIRACLE, yeah, that's it!!!

I have been stalking many blogs today, as I usually do in the mornings, and have felt 'a part of''. I have read Valentines' wishes that I have said were posted JUST for me!!! I have shared my few words of wisdom here and there, and have sent hugs and love to my blogger friends! It feels good! Here we go again...

I was talking to my counsellor yesterday, and sharing that although I have been feeling very tired lately, I haven't really been depressed for quite a while. To those who suffer from depression, I know you can relate to the ever-waiting-for-the-black-cloud mentality. It's like we can have a few good days, enjoying life but sooner or later, the comfort of sorrow, the familiarity of pain, the desperate lonliness always return. I'm not saying I like that better, it's just what I am used to. Feeling good, being happy, are new and foreign, and therefore scary to me! A part of me will wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan once again. It is a struggle to just BE happy. Gratitude goes a long way on days like today!!!

I had to check on my comments to the post of the other day (I'm nosy like that), and noticed a comment from MC, a friend in recovery, who suggested I stop calling the child Devilteen!!! HMMPH... what can I respond to that? In our real life I do call her ANGEL, honestly!! But for the purposes of Blogging about my (our) life I have laughingly dubbed her Devilteen, as the teen age years seem to be fraught with ever-changing moods, problems, crisis and you know, stress for the mommy!!! The thing is, if I call her Angel on my blog, you all out there will not believe me when I share how rotten she is sometimes!!! It's like our friend, the Maven, who had met the child on several occasions and flat out refused to believe that this wonderful young woman ever drove me crazy!! I swear, my love for her knows no bounds, it is unconditional, and ever-lasting. That being said, somedays I do fantasize of killing her and burying her in my garden...Please don't take my ramblings too seriously though, it is just me venting to try and maintain some semblance of sanity. But I will consider renaming the child, to avoid offending more sensitive souls whose opinions and life I value! I sure hope MC visits this post, I'm so striving for progress today...

Today is going to be a really good day, I am going to my regular Wednesday night meeting where Joe will celebrate 34 years of sobriety! He has been announcing his own upcoming celebration for over a month now! How cute is that!!! I love Joe. He is 70 years young and obviously has done many things right to be able to get to 34 years. He goes to one or two meetings a day, now that he is retired. He volunteers for Meals-on-Wheels, which is a wonderful program that brings hot meals to those who can't get out. By himself, he kept the AA Christmas alcothon supplied with coffee (no small feat). He shares openly at every discussion group he attends and the most humble part? He attributes his recovery to God granting him just one day of sobriety. I have been told that for this very special day, the chairperson has arranged to get a video of Bill W. speaking at a meeting! I can not wait! this will indeed be a Valentine's day to remember, and I think the best gift of love I can give myself, wish you all could be there with me! I will come back later to share what I heard though. Until then ...

HUGE HUGS to All and may your day be filled with love and miracles and happiness XXOXXOOXXOO