Friday, July 10, 2009

I THINK I'M BACK


I have not posted nor visited anyone for so long that I am not even sure where to start.... It may or may not be evident to some that I have relapsed. Tomorrow will be one whole week since I used anything, I am not yet sure how I feel about being newly sober again. I officially relapsed one year ago on Christmas day with my daughter and her then boyfriend. Yup, you heard right the insanity of using was already in full force before I smoked that first joint. The rest as they say is history... I smoked then I drank and then went back to sniffing the powder....It got worse and worse and quickly, and I am here to tell you there just ain't no gettin better... while using.

I was reading some of my older posts and I began to realize how little has actually changed in my life since then. For example I am still filled with the feeling that maybe there just is something in me that is so flawed, so horribly bad, so unfixable that I may never fully recover. I also realized that my child, who is now almost eightteen-how the heck did THAT happen-is still just as angry and just as disrespectful to me as she ever was. And also how powerless I am to do anything to change/fix/take care of her at this point in my life, but I can once again attempt to change/fix/take care of self and hopefully be able to share again , at least here for now....

Earlier this week my child and I had another famous fight, although I believe I have handled her outbursts better than in the past, she has apparently upped the ante in this war of ours. If I do not run/jump/hide/give in, she gets violent and fast. When she hit me last week, the neighbors called the cops and of course I became the bad guy...if only I had "got out of" her face, she said she wouldn't have hit me, if I had shut the f up, she wouldn't have hit me, if I had continued to allow her and her new 23 yr old boyfriend to live for free in my basement, smoking dope and drinking alcohol, and coming and going as they please, she wouldn't have hit me...but I didn't and so I got hit, hard, twice in the head and shoved down to the stairs and left my arm bruised and my self esteem completely deflated.

With help I managed to get her out of my house, I spoke to the police and -of course- refused to press charges, again, because in some way I still believe that yes, it IS all my fault and yes I do deserve to get hit and be so disrespected. To further prove my point to myself I then proceeded to cut up my arm in a half-assed attempt at suicide and take a handful of pills to help me sleep/die- which of course didn't work on any level, unless I was trying to make myself feel even worse, and on that I did great.

I know from many years of going to AA that if I am to recover I need to be totally honest, and that has been difficult for me to do, my opinion of honesty depends on how I feel that day or who I am speaking to, I have learned that honesty is a double edged sword. People say they want honesty, until they get it. Like the horrible way I feel the need to physically hurt myself in a vain attempt to transfer the pain on my insides to the outside where... I dunno, you can see how scarred I am? so you can see how ugly I really am? so my inside pain is visible?

I have wanted to just not be here anymore I have wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up again. I feel like I am not needed here anymore. My daughter is grown (almost) I have no job, no friends and no family contact. I do not remember a time when I have felt more alone, more hurt, or more confused of what it is I am meant to do with my life.... I am very unhappy today, I may feel better tomorrow, I may not. But I am by His grace, sober today and that is a start.





7 comments:

Meg Moran said...

your last two sentences said it ALL. soooo glad you're back. Hope cuts thru the darkness.

Zanejabbers said...

Such a ray of sunshine when I saw your comment on my blog. So glad you are back. I hope you are doing meetings - if not DO. Please know there is no judgement from this corner. You're back and you never have to live like that again.
Love you.

Zanejabbers said...

A welcome ray of sunshine when I saw your comment at my blog. Honey hold on, get the BA to a meeting and put one foot in front of the other. No judgement from this corner - just glad you are back. Remember, you never have to go through that stuff again.

The Maven said...

I sent an email your way about an hour ago. Welcome back! *hugs*

Shadow said...

damn girl, the important thing is you're back! i can feel your pain and hurt in the words you wrote here. don't give up. never give up hope, even if it's just to see the sunrise in the morning. luv ya and lotsa hugs...

Tori said...

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