Sunday, July 12, 2009
From time to time when I was still 'out there' I would breeze by and catch up on y'all, there was a part of me who desperately wanted to reach out and comment, but knowing that I was in relapse, I convinced myself that I would have nothing of any value to say. Funny that I often feel that way even when I'm sober. One thing that I took note of was that for the most part people had changed. They had changed addresses, or hair styles, some had become married or divorced, there were babies born, and loved ones lost, they had new cars, new jobs, new wrinkles... but change they did. I think in the preamble, or somewhere in AA it says 'change we must'. There are all kinds of clues and catch phrases to this extent....'if nothing changes, nothing changes', or the definition of insanity 'doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. I could go on but I think you get the point.
My point is that for all of my years of sobriety, therapy, groups, rehab and AA, how much did I actually change? On many levels I felt that I had changed and mostly for the better, but there are still many other things about me that need to be changed. My dilemma had always been that I was always afraid of change, anybody remember the many things on my phobia list?
Well, ever since I was little I had been afraid of new things, schools, people, sports, tasks, basically anything that I had never done before. I remember when I was in high school and computers were just being invented, many people embraced this new technology and jumped on the bandwagon. Me? I wanted nothing to do with this new fangled invention, I thought it was stupid and who the heck would want one of those things anyway, it took up a whole room!!! Boy was I wrong lol!
For me to make lasting changes in my life, I guess, I always wanted some kind of guarantee that things wouldn't be WORSE that they were before. If I lived with an abusive boyfriend, for example it would take me years to get out because the fear of starting over would be too great,or the fear of meeting someone more abusive would keep me where I was. I did however receive one guarantee when I first came to the program- someone said ..."if you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it.... and if you are not happy we will refund your misery". Now there was an offer I could not refuse, ya mean I can get sober and work on the program, the steps, and learn a new way of life and if I don't like it I can go back to the way things were? Boy oh boy, now there's an understatement.
Sure we can give up all that we accomplished and go back to using, but we get so much more than just misery in return. I often felt the need to tell people that I was an alcoholic- talk about a buzz kill! And alot of meetings were on the path between my home and the bar- stupid AA, though I tried to avoid eye contact, many of y'all recognized me and wanted to exchange pleasantries, stupid recovering alcoholics! Last summer I would have been sober two years had I not started smoking dope again, even though I hadn't yet 'drank' I knew I relapsed, so I stopped going to meetings. I worked at an outdoor fruit and vegetable market and many people from the program were customers. It is hard to be polite and do ones job when we think that all these people were coming just to re-recruit me into AA, even if they purchased pounds of fruit and vegetables. To further add to my guilt and rain on my party-timin, they would say things like how are you doing? or I've missed you where have you been?
I guess one thing I have come to realize is that the majority of AAers are people who really and truly mean what they say, and when they say "Welcome" to the newcomers it is because we newbies have a way of reminding the oldtimers of how sick they can become if they pick up that first drink. I know personally if I would see someone relapse I would be grateful for the research they had done and I could take their word for it that it doesn't get better out there. All in all I guess I must have changed somewhat, it only took me about a year to get back into recovery this time. I have not avoided all human contact this time. Most importantly, I get to use my compy to forward information to the masses- and who said they'd never last? Have a great and ever changing day all, I think I will too!
Friday, July 10, 2009
I was reading some of my older posts and I began to realize how little has actually changed in my life since then. For example I am still filled with the feeling that maybe there just is something in me that is so flawed, so horribly bad, so unfixable that I may never fully recover. I also realized that my child, who is now almost eightteen-how the heck did THAT happen-is still just as angry and just as disrespectful to me as she ever was. And also how powerless I am to do anything to change/fix/take care of her at this point in my life, but I can once again attempt to change/fix/take care of self and hopefully be able to share again , at least here for now....
Earlier this week my child and I had another famous fight, although I believe I have handled her outbursts better than in the past, she has apparently upped the ante in this war of ours. If I do not run/jump/hide/give in, she gets violent and fast. When she hit me last week, the neighbors called the cops and of course I became the bad guy...if only I had "got out of" her face, she said she wouldn't have hit me, if I had shut the f up, she wouldn't have hit me, if I had continued to allow her and her new 23 yr old boyfriend to live for free in my basement, smoking dope and drinking alcohol, and coming and going as they please, she wouldn't have hit me...but I didn't and so I got hit, hard, twice in the head and shoved down to the stairs and left my arm bruised and my self esteem completely deflated.
With help I managed to get her out of my house, I spoke to the police and -of course- refused to press charges, again, because in some way I still believe that yes, it IS all my fault and yes I do deserve to get hit and be so disrespected. To further prove my point to myself I then proceeded to cut up my arm in a half-assed attempt at suicide and take a handful of pills to help me sleep/die- which of course didn't work on any level, unless I was trying to make myself feel even worse, and on that I did great.
I know from many years of going to AA that if I am to recover I need to be totally honest, and that has been difficult for me to do, my opinion of honesty depends on how I feel that day or who I am speaking to, I have learned that honesty is a double edged sword. People say they want honesty, until they get it. Like the horrible way I feel the need to physically hurt myself in a vain attempt to transfer the pain on my insides to the outside where... I dunno, you can see how scarred I am? so you can see how ugly I really am? so my inside pain is visible?
I have wanted to just not be here anymore I have wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up again. I feel like I am not needed here anymore. My daughter is grown (almost) I have no job, no friends and no family contact. I do not remember a time when I have felt more alone, more hurt, or more confused of what it is I am meant to do with my life.... I am very unhappy today, I may feel better tomorrow, I may not. But I am by His grace, sober today and that is a start.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Inmatezwife got me----Here are the rules, word for word from her blog...
- Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
- Post these rules on your blog.
- List seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery.
- Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog
Lets play now, whadda you say.................... Oh all right, maybe if I focus on something else besides "poor me", I'll actually feel better!
1. I have learned that I am not different, unique or the 'only one who thought this way! I am, however, still special!
2. The more I think I know, the more I realize how much I actually still have to learn .
3. As crazy as I thought I was when I was still using, I have come to believe that I could only get crazier if I chose to use again.
4. In my old and very materialistic world I thought the one who died with the most stuff won...now I know that the one who dies with the most stuff is just dead when they die.
5. My search to be happy by looking outside myself has brought me to looking within where my spirituality is- and THAT makes me happy.
6. I always thought I was born bad, I am bad now and I'll always be bad. I know now that I was born pure and good, I did some bad things and I'm not so bad after all.
7. I may grumble and groan and throw pity parties for me, myself and I, but it is so much better to laugh and play with friends.
So here are the friends I am inviting to come and play with me , and no, I am not putting the links here, because they are all in my side bar, and besides, I don't know how to put the link thingies in my post the way some of y'all do!..
1. Sharon- from Fellow Traveler 2. Judith- from Vicarious Rising 3. Lounge Daddy- from Lounge Daddy Chronicles 4. Shannon - from Todaay 5. Pam -from Sobriety is Exhausting 6. dAAve -from Higher Powered and last, but not least, 7. Scott W. -from Attitude of Gratitude.
So that is it for today folks! I haven't been feeling that great lately, ya know, stuck in myself, but I am glad that I checked in, amazing how that works sometimes!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.
This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?
Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!
On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.
In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105
Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.
All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!
So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...
- to have some choices to make
- to be clean and sober despite my own will
- that I really do know the next right thing to do
- that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
- that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
- that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
- to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
- I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
- some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
- I have everything I need today, and then some
Happy Sunday folks!
Monday, November 05, 2007
.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!
It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!
So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!
Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...
This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32
God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.
And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
So, deli dude ended up taking an undisclosed amout of time off from the Deli. Boss man brought in a few other people to cover the loss of one employee, I work with one of the newbies directly, the others work the evening shift mainly in the store so I don't know them that well. If ya haven't guessed yet, I have been sooooo busy, I haven't even posted or visited anyone. Gawd. I so miss all of you, it's just at the best of times I have a tough time typing, and with all of my extra hours and responsibilities, my hands have been pretty swollen and useless by the time I actually make it home at night!
The good news/bad news is that I may be back to haunt you all sooner than I had originally thought! I don't yet know for sure, but I may be unemployed again! Check in for " Part Two ", as I have more info to fill in... for now I will leave with a gratitude list followed by a couple of pics of my not-so-pretty hands wearing a couple of rings that have a story to go with them...
Today I am grateful for the following...
- I have my relapse prevention group tonight
- I actually had a BIG craving to drink today, but chose NOT TO
- My daughter and I are having issues, but not killing each other today!
- to be healthy, happy and sober
- to have people in my life who love me unconditionally
- to be able to check in today and let all y'all know I am still alive and kickin'
- to be alive and kickin'
Um, I know the pic is hard to see, but the ring on the left is one with my late fathers' birthstone in it- a topaz. A friend of AAngels found it and when I heard what it looked like I bought it from him for $20. On Thanksgiving (2nd Monday in October for us Canucks) I showed my mom, and told her that it made me feel like dad was still with me to have the ring on, so she gave me one with her birthstone (an emerald). Both of the rings have diamonds around the centre stone and are really pretty- it is like my own tribute to my mom and dad....