Saturday, December 30, 2006
THEY say that laughing is good for the health, there are actually studies out there that confirm this theory. No I don't have a link to them ( I'm not that far along the Blogger food chain yet!), but I have heard that laughing does indeed help to lower the blood pressure, I think it releases endorphins or something that do in fact promote good health thus helping us to live longer!
Another group of THEM suggests that the very act of smiling uses more muscles than frowning so if we walk around constantly smiling ( and we're not caught and thrown into the looney bin), then we will at the very least all have fit and firm faces... now if only I could get my ass to smile!
MY theory has always been that chocolate is better than sex, so I'm thinking if I could combine chocolate with alot of smiling and some sex thrown in for good measure, then it is quite possible that I could live forever ( I've been alive forever, I wrote the very first song, I put the words and the melo...sorry, I had a bit of a digression there!)
All of the studies out there suggest that WE do not smile enough. Imagine if everyone took time out each day to smile to someone. THEY say that smiling is contagious, so in theory if I smiled to you and you smiled to your neighbor and they smiled to their boss and their boss smiled to their kid and their kid smiled to their teacher and... Are ya gettin what I'm tryin to say here? Earth as we know it could potentially be changed forever! It's hard to be angry when you're smiling (unless of course it's the kind of smiling through gritted teeth, and I don't reccomend that kind of smiling). We could in theory, have a world free from anger and so it would also be free from hatred and in following this line of thought, free from wars. I think I may have just solved the problem of achieving world peace!!!
Imagine if you would a world where everyone loved everyone else? I admit in this day it is a little beyond the realm of possibility, however if each and everyone of us decided to smile our way through life, the ripple effect could be overwhelming. I have actually practiced this theory in my own life...When Debaby was born, I was constantly tired, feeling overwhelmed and of course alone. But whenever she would cry I would do my best to greet her with a smile. I wanted her to feel loved and happy no matter how I was feeling. I think it worked. Whenever I would go to get her first thing in the morning or after a nap, I would greet her with a big smile and an enthusiastic "Good morning!" That little face would light up in response, and more times than not, we would both proceed to have a great day!
So in closing, I challenge all of you out there to test this theory in your daily lives. Let's all make a committment to changing our own little corner of the planet by spreading joy, happiness and smiles wherever we go. ( I'll check back with you in about a week to see how the experiment went). My personal resolution IS to smile more, and this being the last day of 2006 I figured it is a good time to start something new! I may post more later, but for now I hope all of you ring in the new year with TONS of Happiness and free smiles for all! See all y'all in the new year!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
On the Saturday before Christmas Devilteen and I had a 'gurly night' with a very dear friend that with both love a lot. We stayed up late listening to music and wrapping presesnts, we had Timmy's coffee and lots of treats and a good time was had by all! Even the spawnling enjoyed the festivities, laughing(almost) and smiling ever so sweetly at Devilteen and his momma, falling asleep when I paid attention to him! Gotta love the little guy, he's already got quite a big personality, I just wish he would not listen so much to older brother Gutsy (a private joke which I will write about in the future!)
Yup I've enjoyed the very best of the season so far. I realize just how blessed my life is. As I mentioned on Friday I received my first prize, Saturday I was not disappointed either as I received three awesome DVD's to go along with Fridays' gift. On Sunday Devilteen and I wrapped up some more gift bags for other loved ones. We did some more baking and it was a very relaxing day. On Sunday night we ventured out into the world and hit the Alcothon, not arriving until almost 11:00 p.m.. You know, there were still lots of people and it was great. I got lots of hugs and did some socializing had lots of coffee and Devilteen didn't even complain about having to be there! Actually, I have to take time to send her a HUGE thank you, because as circumstances would have it I may not have gone without her prompting.
In true Lushgurl form I tend to put things off, often to the point where I haven't left myself time to do things or to where fear (sabotage) has talked me out of doing something all together. My child knows the momma all too well though and said at about 9:30 "come on Mom, you said you wanted to go so I'll help you get ready and we'll go!"she helped me decide what to wear ( that in itself could have caused a panic attack) , then she helped me fix my hair (I know I wasn't going to the prom but I May have bailed because my hair wasn't co-operating). Then Devilteen went on the computer to get the bus scheduale and out the door we went!
Gosh I think back to all the times I missed out on stuff that I thought I wanted to do because of the overwhelming panic that would consume me. Many occasions that I didn't take Debaby to the park or what not because the thought of facing 'The WORLD OUT THERE' was just too much for me to cope with. Yes here comes the dreaded G-word again... I felt many years of guilt for not doing all the things I should have when Debaby was little, to me the most amazing thing is, is that Devilteen does not seem to hold it against me ( at least not yet, maybe when she's "growed" with kids of her own and in therapy, it'll all come back to haunt me!) But for now Devilteen will lovingly laugh at all my fears and foibles and encourage me to get out of myself anyway. Come to think of it I have a friend like that too. Every time I come up with what I figure is a legitimate reason to not do something I should do (usually for my own good) she basically agrees with my insanity and then talks me into doing it anyway! Funny how He puts people in our lives like that, left to my own devices I might just stay in the house hibernating and proceed to wither and die for lack of human contact.
The Alcothon, for those of you who don't know, is a 24 hour thing every Christmas and New Year for those of us who need to get out and be with people. We are encouraged to donate food and different groups from around the area donate their time to put on meetings. It is a safe, loving place to go for anyone (alot of us haven't yet fixed our family situations) to go so that they won't be alone on the holidays. I have gone in the past, but this year was all about wanting to be there not needing to be there. We attended a meeting at midnight which was perfect. It was a closed discussion in which part of a story was read from "The Big Book". It was a story about this guy who was a compulsive J-walker. It told how he would feel the need to race out in front of streetcars and other motor vehicles. He got a rush out of it, the excitement of never knowing if he could do it succesfully or not. Well eventually this guy would take too many risks and inevitably would get hit. From the hospital he would realize just how crazy his obsession was and would vow to stop. Of course no sooner would he be released from the hospital, he would once again run out into the traffic, breaking an arm or a leg. It seemed he could not help himself. He knew ahead of time what the consequences of his actions would be, but time and again he would find himself out in the traffic, then in the hospital with broken bones. He would promise to never do it again, and would mean it every time, but sooner or later, he would do the same thing all over again.
Any of us who are in recovery will certainly be able to relate this story to many phases of our drinking days. You 'earthlings' out there may not relate so much. I know that in reading the story for the first time many years ago I could certainly identify that clearly this guy was insane. I mean why would ANYONE in their RIGHT minds continue to do the same thing over and over, with such disasterous results EVERY time? Today I TOTALLY GET IT!! I have had many periods of sobriety in my life, but sooner or later I would end up drinking again. The progression of my disease would ensure that things would never get any better, the consequences of my behavior would get more severe, but still I was helpless to stop the insanity. So I guess in a way when I have the opportunity to give a little back, I must, for my own recovery and also for the potential recovery of still suffering drunks. I am So grateful that I don't have to drink my way through the Christmas season, dreading the get togethers and avoiding my loved ones. Thank you for my sobriety today!
As I've mentioned before, I invited my mom to spend a day with Devilteen and me this year. I had planned to make our big dinner on Boxing day so that my mom would not have to chose between me and my sister on Christmas day. Well on the 25 th, my mom called to say there was a storm warning for the next day and that if there was too much snow, she would not be able to make it into Ottawa the next day. I was crushed. I had shared with people how excited I was that 'my mommy' was coming to MY house for Christmas. Devilteen was happy that for the first time ever Nana would share this special day with us at our place. I thought she was just looking for a way out. I was hurt and angry. But ya know what? I did something DIFFERENT this time, I opted to go ahead and have our turkey dinner on Christmas Day so that Devilteen and I would have it no matter what. I didn't set myself up for more hurt and rejection by waiting to see if my mom could make it. I took care of myself and my child first and it felt GOOD!
So I just have to make it through New Year's Eve now. I haven't yet decided what I am going to do but I know that it will be the right decision for ME! I also know that it will be o.k. no matter what because I am not drinking today. I of course. will dutifully post to tell you about it later . So just in case I don't post before next year I want to wish everyone all the best and I hope all your dreams come true. Until we meet again HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I cannot believe how fast the year is coming to a close! I had a wonderful day yesterday, I did exactly what I wanted to do, which was to expose myself to the craziness of a maul right before Christmas! It wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated, heck, the bus ride getting there was almost more exciting. I am not an early-out-the-door kinda gurl, so by the time I left the house it was about 2:30. That gave me plenty of time to hit the maul, do some shopping and make it home before Devilteen arrived. Of course right to the minute planner that I am, I didn't take into account the fact that about a million high schools would be releasing their captives just as I was entering the bus! Oh and let's not forget that being the Friday before Christmas we also have an assorted variety of those working type folks (many of whom have been celebrating at the office), who got to leave early for the day. Also parents with babies in strollers, old people with walkers, and of course EVERY ONE OF THEM have to be on the same bus as I am!!!
I must say, my timing IS indeed impeccable, just as I got to the bus stop it started to rain. Thank goodness I made it, I may have melted being as sweet as I am, and that would have been a tragedy in the largest proportions, leaving all of my fans without my presence, all would have suffered! When the bus arrived it was already packed you know , filled to the gills. Standing room only was the motto of the trip! I was next to a teenager holding a rather large wood-working project (one of those stepping up things), directly behind me were three of the female variety, one of whom had two very large knapsacks and of course one of them was deeply imbedded in my lower back! Ever ask a female teenager to do something to help alleviate pain? just a little thing really, like please move your bag because it's right in my back? You can guess what the response was, an eye ball roll followed by a deep sigh and at long last freedom from excruciating pain!
We arrived at the maul in just under an hour, not bad for rush hour traffic and stopping to pick up more tired, sweaty and excited teenagers et al. It was just starting to freeze rain at this point, whew I avoided another near death experience! The maul was delightfully filled with many slow moving vehicles in the form of old people, frantic parents, teenagers and other last minute shoppers. Oh joy , oh bliss this was exactly what I needed to get me into the true spirit of the season! Just as promised though I did not become impatient or unfriendly, we all were there for the same reason, and we all know that what goes around comes around and who the heck wants to invite bad karma so close to the big fat guy coming to visit with lots of prizes for all the good boys and girls!
I lovingly stared at all the sale signs in all of the stores, even entered a few of them to look at all the stuff I could not buy for me. My destination was clear, a quick trip to the dollar store to attempt to fill a three foot stocking for Devilteen. Find something not too expensive for my two nieces and maybe pick up some food to feed myself and the child for the next week. Simple, brilliant plan carefully thought out to avoid complications , piece of cake , right? So what happens when an alcoholic tries to make plans? Ding, ding, ding you guessed it, Nothing goes the way it's supposed to! I had decided this year that I was not going to do the stocking thing, I am not working and money is a little tight, so I thought no biggie Devilteen is old enough to understand that occasiopnally we all must make small sacrifices for the good of the whole (right?) Well those big blue eyes looked at me sadly and said "No stocking? I guess that would be o.k.." Right on cue Mommy guilt kicks in, ensuring that the child would indeed have a stocking to open on Christmas eve, and who the heck did I think I was, trying to fuck with a fifteen year tradition in such a cold, calculating way?
I had also opted to go for the 'family gift' for my sister, her husband, and their two little girls. I thought some home sewn Christmas placemats and an assortment of homemade treats would be acceptable gifts. Of course the dreaded mommy guilt thing got me again, how could I expect a three and eight year olds to be happy with placemats and cookies? No, every kid deserves to have a present just for them to open and Auntie Lushgurl will not break the hearts of children. YAY I have found yet more ways to spend money that I don't have!!! The dollar store stocking stuffer idea was great in theory, but with the picked over items and too crowded store I found it just a tad overwhelming. It was really difficult to buy for my fifteen year old, I couldn't just get a lot of fake junk jewelry, a bunch of stickers, some coloring books and a candy cane or two. I wanted to give Devilteen small but useful items but let's face it, it's not that easy to fill a three foot stocking for a teenager with very little time and less money. I was slightly succesful in that mission though, results are yet to be determined. I managed to find a couple of Dora items for little niece and a couple of Barbie things for bigger niece, with a few non-nutritious goodies I hope they will not be disappointed!
I ran into a fellow drunk as I was paying for my last few items in Pharmaplus, and he offered me a ride home. So sweet, it had really begun to get bad outside, very slippery with even more traffic and it probably would have taken even longer for me to get home on the bus and I would have been cold, wet and stressed with no downtime before the arrival of Devilteen, not a good way to start the holidays. Thankfully my Higher Power saw fit to put this lush in my path and the trip home was relatively quick and pleasant. This guy has become a friend, we've shared a lot at meetings and he asked me to speak at his Home Group not too long ago. A really nice guy, good looking and kind, not gay, but of course married. True to form for my luck! When I got home, I got a phone call from another lush, another cool-good-looking-not-gay-nice-guy (a Priest in case you were wondering) who had concerns about me going to my meeting because it was so slippery out and he had fallen several times on his way home. I could have gone with that and stayed home but I knew I had been out in worse weather to get my bottles, so I decided to take my chances and hit a meeting anyway.
I'm glad I went , the speaker was interesting , the group was small and intimate, and I felt better after as I usually do. Oh and Tallgoodlookingguy was there so I asked for another drive home, he said yes he wouldn't have let Devilteen and I walk home anyway. He's going away for two weeks with Her (his wife!) so it was nice to wish him a Merry Christmas and stuff. Before we got out of the car though he said " there's a present back there with your name on it!" I couldn't believe it ! How sweet was that, although it did feel just a little weird, him being married and all, but who am I to turn down a Christmas Prize?!!! Little did I know, it was a DVD player! Holy cow, do I keep it, why did he do something so nice and where the heck did I put his phone number so I can call him up and give him shit (read thank him!) If this is any indication of how my Christmas is going this year I'LL TAKE IT ALL and enjoy it and tell (brag) to you about it later!
Well I must go now, I have some sewing and baking and wrapping and housework to do today. A good friend is coming over later with more wrapping to do, and another Christmas prize for me!!So have a great day y'all, I'll talk to ya later!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Speaking of today, my mom called this morning and we had a great conversation. I thanked her for teaching me how to bake and told her about all the stuff I've made, Devilteen even helped me with some of it, which is really cool (I think) because I can see her passing this on to her own daughter(s) someday far far away! I'm not quite sure what happened to the bah-humbug gurl who was here last week but I'm glad for the break, she's very tiring to be around you know, what with all the whining and complaining not to mention the too frequent pity-parties that I was required to attend,,, let's just say good riddance! I hope she goes to visit her other friends for the Holidays cause I'm doing quite well without her, thank you very much!
So is it just me or does anyone else suffer from Mommy-guilt at this time of year? It's not like my child has NOTHING to open on Christmas morning, I just was not able to 'spoil' her in the outrageous fashion this year that I have done in the past. In talking to a frined I realized that I did o.k in the gift department, Devilteen will not suffer because I did not wrap up the moon and stars for her, and she never was a selfish child, it's MY problem that I feel this guilt, not because I haven't given enough. I even bought a gift for my mom who will be spending her first Christmas ever at my house! I am so excited that I get to cook for her and she hasn't changed her mind and, yeah, life is good today!
Tomorrow I may adventure out into a maul to pick up a few little stocking stuffers you know the last minute stuff. I feel like I've been missing out because I have not yet subjected myself to the craziness of too many people trying to get too much stuff with too little time, money and patience. It just seems like a good old Christmas tradition that one must not go without, like having a turkey without the stuffing or half-caf-soy-not-sweet latte without the whip! It's just wrong I tell ya, everyone must suffer the horrors of shopping in a crowded maul at leasr once during the Christmas season. At the very least I will be VERY grateful that I am not one of those people who has left her shopping til the last minute and it will further prove to me that I am less insane than the masses! Okay, maybe not the masses but some!!! I'll be sure to post on my adventure to let y'all know how it went. If ya don't see me, it's because I didn't actually survive said excursion!
I don't really have too much to say right now so this will be a short but sweet posting today (something like the author), I shall bid one and all good night for now, don't forget to tune in next time when "Lushgurl tries the same old thing expecting different results"! Peace out Y'all!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
HAPPY CHRISMAKKAH to one and all... I can't believe that there are only 11 more sleeps until Christmas. I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm watching the O.C. while I am writing and they are in a "parallel universe". I think I am also having one of those days! Lately I've been going back and forth between today and yesterday(s). Like one minute I am feet firmly planted in today and the next I find myself reminiscing on days gone by, has that ever happened to you? I think I know what's going on though, so please indulge me while I launch into yet another edition of "Self-Diagnosis for Dummies!"
So at long last I have achieved what millions before me have done...I finally got my six months sobriety chip...YAY ME, I ROCK!!! But alas self-sabotage guru as I am, I have been feeling pretty crappy recently. Last year this would have been a perfect time for a drink. I haven't yet found a job (could it be that I've only put out TWO applications in the past month?), last year that would have been a good reason for a drink. Bailey's has come out with two new flavors, last year I would have drank to that.Um, oh yeah, Devilteen and I have been having (little) arguments the last few weekends, this too would have been a good excuse to drink last year...But it's NOT LAST YEAR it's TODAY and today I am clean and sober and today my life has good days and bad days and today I think I'm grieving the loss of a best friend.
I was at a meeting last night and lots of people were sharing about drinking, it must be the time of year. One woman had just recently got her six months but she drank on Saturday. One guy who has over twenty years in was on a date with a woman who 'only ever had two glasses of wine' she told him after three glasses and then asked him to open another bottle for her. Then someone who has become a good friend shared that last year at this time he had just got his six months, and was feeling really sad, he realized that he was grieving. All of a sudden I saw a light and heard Angels singing and GOT IT!!! Booze was my best (dare I say only) friend this time last year. No wonder I've been feeling so crappy lately.
All you earthlings out there will probably not get this at all, but I must pay homage to one who was there for me through thick and thin (weight-wise!), someone who saw me with no make-up on, with fresh make-up on, with smeared make-up on, and never judged me. Here's to a friend who was there through all the tears when I was told I was not going to be allowed to see Devilteen at Christmastime because she was caught with a bag of weed that she stole from ME. Yup my old friend and I had some very interesting times together... like the time I fell up or down the stairs and awoke with a black eye, a totally scratched up arm, a huge bruise on my thigh and a twisted ankle, I don't remember what happened I was in yet another blackout, but my good friend alcohol was there and is not saying a word. Alcohol has helped me cope with the pain of a broken heart, the rejection of my mother, the over-whelming depression that has plagued me through most of my life, and has never told my secrets. Alcohol has been there to help celebrate the good times and help erase the memory of the bad times. Today I cope with all these things without my friend and I know this is the best chouice for me, but still, I must grieve the loss and let go so that I can get on with my new, healthier life. So my friend alcohol, I bid you farewell, thanks for being there when noone else was, I may always miss you, but rest in peace, for my life is far better without you.
Okay, I feel better now. Today I don't have to cope alone. Just yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone who had a sick baby in her arms, I could hear the wailing of a tantrum-ing four year old in the background, and she lovingly told me to leave my pity-party and get me ass to a meeting! I did as I was told, and (will wonders never cease) I actually do feel better! I have now survived a weekend that Devilteen cut short because sometimes hangin' wit da gurls is more exciting than going to visit mom. I have baked up a storm of treats to give as gifts for Christmas. I have caught up on my laundry and dishes. And I REMEMBER the whole weekend...I am not hungover and full of self-loathing and remorse, I am not afraid to face the world lest they see my dirty little secrets, I AM FREE! Thanks for listening!
Monday, November 27, 2006
That is what my life is often like! I'm just a little slower than average, as I've shared with you before. I've been struggling with some kind of bug that has invaded my body and refuses to leave, that being said, most 'earthlings' would take better care of themselves. You know like warm bubble baths or calling friends to remind them that they'll soon be well, generally just doing things that will make them feel better. For me, feeling better starts with going to my meetings. Feeling sick is not reason enough to miss one. A snow storm does not justify staying home. Not even the death of a loved one would be an acceptable reason to not hit a meeting, you probably think I'm nuts right? Well let me tell you why I'm not!
I have been reminiscing lately I guess. You see even though alot of bad shit happened as a result of my addictions, there is still a part of me that struggles to deal with life without using. Part of the reason I'm sure, is the fact that I will soon celebrate six months clean and sober. A miracle really, considering how far down into Hell I was this time last year. But I am not alone in that whenever something good happens in my life, I wait for the other shoe to drop, so-to-speak. If nothing terrible happens as a result of my success I will often do something to sabotage it myself. WHY? Because I am an alcoholic. And we all know what a horrible person I really am, and Lord knows that I don't deserve the good things in life that most 'earthlings' come to expect for themselves. And if you should happen to think maybe I am O.K. I would be terrified that you might find out that I really sport horns and a tail!
I know this all sounds totally messed up doesn't it ? But let me explain. A typical alcoholic uses to avoid feeling. If we're feeling bad we use to dull the pain, if we're feeling good we use to enhance the joy, basically, there is not a feeling that (in our minds) cannot be made 'better' with the application of massive quantities of alcohol. Alot of us live in constant fear, which of course is another great reason to drink, Fear of people, fear of places, fear of new things. Yes we are often chronically afflicted with fear. Just because we have given up our drug(s) of choice does not mean that our lives will instantly be transformed into " It's A Wonderful Life" mode. Nope, it seems the absense of alcohol means the beginning of feelings, just the stuff we worked so hard to avoid all of our lives.
At first sobriety brings a lot of gratitude into a life. The gratitude part is essential for recovery, it reminds us to not take for granted the many blessings in our life every single day. It will be heard again and again at meetings all over the world. We have to remember to be grateful for the chance at a new life that we have been given. And I truly am, it's just that I've been sick and feeling a little run down, and not going to as many meetings as I need to. As a result of this and my impending achievement, many of my character defects have been making an appearance in my daily life. It's like the pebble turned to mountain thing, in behavioral form, the worst of the lushgurl in living colour, and a pretty picture it was not!!!
So on Friday my plans with a friend were cancelled as I was 'ditched' for something better. So I felt hurt and rejected but instead of going out to a meeting, so that maybe I wouldn't stay in the hurt, I chose to stay home and feel miserable. On Saturday Devilteen and I had an arguement. Fairly normal when you are the parent of a teenager, but I ran with the anger and almost sent her back to 'the place where she lives today'. We made up and played some scrabble, and she kicked my ass, which reminded me what a loser I was, so I threw a hissy fit. Way to be mature MOM! For whatever reason at that moment I chose to check the time (thinking secretly in my mind that this weekend could not end soon enough for me). Well the strangest thing happened as I noticed it was just barely 7:00, it occured to me that I had not been to a meeting all week. Could it just be a coincidence that I am filled with envy and self pity and crabby to boot? WE THINK NOT!!!
Well the bottom line is that I got my ass to a meeting, with Devilteen in tow, and yet another surprise, the discussion that night was Step Four! So there you have it. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY NAME IS LUSHGURL! I believe that nothing in God's world happens by mistake, yes we are given free will to choose our path, but wherever we go, for better or worse, there are lessons to be learned. Today I am SO grateful to be an alcoholic because that means that I have a program to teach me how to live. Not just existing, I mean having a good life with people that truly care about me and a place to go (other than the liquor store) when I'm feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin. I have what many before me never had the chance to experience... A clean and sober life, a chance at a better future and a Higher Power who loves me enough to show me the way to feel better. One Day At A Time. Thanks for listening!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Never-the-less I will continue doing what I'm doing until the Blog Police discover that I am hopelessy out of place here and send me off to the land of the Un-geek to do penance. I wonder just what that would include? Probably a manual of ' Computers Made Easy For Dummies'. And NO I have not read it. It's just that as I have shared before, I am a little slow figuring out what's hot and what's not, a little behind the times one might say. Okay, maybe not One, Millions! but who's counting? It's just kinda neat to write about what I know best and see it be published 'OUT THERE' for others to see.
I'm hoping that in my Blog travels, I might come across another newbie and we can exchange info on how to catch up with all you Jones's out there who actually know what you're doing!!
One day, you never know when, you may visit my Blog only to find it unrecognizable... I can see it now in the recesses of my imagination (you thought I was going to say brain didn't you!), Yeah I can see it now I'll have pictures of me and Devilteen the two cats and the budgie. I'll be able to link you to sites thatI have discovered, I'll be able to successfully send an e-mail the first time I type it! Hell I may even be nominated for a Nobel Prize! Stick around, it could get interesting!
You see I was probably raised in a different time than alot of you young'ens... When I was growing up my mom taught me a lot of really cool things that were essential to her when she was growing up, and I am very grateful to have many of those same qualities today. I can take a swatch of fabric and create something beautiful with it. Like all the Hallowe'en costumes I made for Devilteen when she was little. I can create amazing Barbie Doll Houses from cardboard boxes, left over fabric and construction paper. I can bake the most delicious treats from scratch(none of those boxed mixes for this gurly!). I like that I am creative in ways that many other women are not, I had a friend once who couldn't even sew on a button!.
My biggest problem is that I am so behind in today's world. When I do up my resume I almost feel like a fraud, selling ice to the Inuit! I'm sure I have many marketable skills, it's just tough trying to apply what I know and excel at in the world of technology. My last long term job I had(which I loved and was very good at), was as a Deli. Sure I made a mean Smoked Meat on Rye, and yeah customer's even came to see ME after I quit, but the dirty little secret I've been hiding is that I never learned how to use the cash register! I used to add up the items by hand, pressing only one key to access the taxes, and I used to count out change in my head, you know adding and subtracting like we learn in school! Cash registers now days are really just computer's tailored to the business they are used in. They have different keys for different items, the taxes and change are calculated automatically etc. . It's just a little intimidating for me is all I'm saying!
All this rambling is not for no reason, you may be wondering just what my point is, O.K. I'll tell you (it is so unbecoming for you to grovel like that!) The point I'm trying to make is that I am kinda scared about this whole job-hunting thing I have committed my self to. Ironically, with my fears, come yet another illness, coincidence-We think not! The truth is, I think, I am very good at many differnt things, but the idea of presenting myself to a potential employer and convincing him to hire me because I WILL be an asset to the company,is just a little overwhelming to me. Thank God I have my recovery group to go to tonight. And thank God I have friends to help me convince myself that I AM SOMEBODY SPECIAL...Oh sorry, wrong place for affirmations!
On that positive note, I will bid you au revoir maintenant(see I'm Bilingual too). I'll post more about this job-thingy (sorry JL had to borrow it!) as the information becomes available...Wish me LUCK!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I just wanted to do things differently than my parents did, not that they did bad, but I just knew in advance what to not even ask for...like having a boy come over to visit, let alone having a boy come to visit me in my room!! At least this boy, I'll call him Stringbean (he's very tall), is not afraid to come to Devilteen's house with the momma home and stuff. He even asked where to hang up his jacket when he got here! It's nice to know that all teenaged boys are not punks, some of them are polite and have manners and respect adults.
Unlike most of the kids who live in my neighborhood, this kid actually GOES to school. He has two parents living in the same house. He doesn't smoke dope! The kids around here can be found, most nights(and days for that matter) hanging around the covered parking lot with a case of beer passing around their doobies like it's a perfectly natural thing to do. I sure am glad that Devilteen is not that kind of kid! Once upon a time Devilteen might have been that kind of kid, but since she's been living 'away' she really has seemed to have matured.
I am SO proud of the young lady that she is becoming, right before my eyes, and seemingly overnight, she seems to have been transformed from an angry ,self-centered teenager into a wonderful person. Don't get me wrong, she was never a 'bad' kid but I was pretty messed up myself for a while and so, of course, she acted out. You know strange as it may seem, Devilteen decided to make the changes in her by herself. I didn't have to nag or beg or threaten or anything equally uncomfortable as that. She just decided one day to do something more with her life! Go figure, I must have done something right after all!
It reallly can be a tough world out there, at the very least I always tried to give Debaby choices. As she got a little older sometimes she would not make great choices, but if it was not life threatening or anything I would let her go ahead, and sometimes, when there were consequences, Devilteen would even learn from her mistakes! If you don't do homework, and you skip school and smoke dope, you will probably not pass your grade. If you show up at school do a moderate amount of homework, and don't get into serious trouble then you may actually graduate and have a chance at a life.
I've learned in my advancing years, that you just can't MAKE a kid do something, sometimes as a parent all we can do is instill good values and teach them self-respect and let them venture forth into the world knowing that they are truly loved and that we will always be there for them, no matter what! I think I have done that. Of course niether one of us is done 'growin up' yet we are both still works-in-progress, but so far I think we're turning out not too badly!
I made a desision the other day to be more patient and tolerant, just generally to be the kind of person that even I would want to be around. I tell ya though, it ain't easy sometimes! I had to remind myself several times today to calm down. For example when Devilteen and I were out shopping, we were waiting in a line at the check outs and there were lots of people and only two cashiers... OH MY GOD... breathe lushgurl, set a good example for the child. Don't throw a hissy fit just because the dumb store staff don't consider twenty people in a line up to be cause to open a third cash! You see it's all in how we react to a situation. Had I let my impatience get the better of me I'm sure I may have caused a scene hence embarrassing my self and my child and making it very difficult to return to that store again. I didn't lose it totaaly though, Iheard myself complaining and made a decision to stop. Who knew it could be so simple?
Ultimately though I know I did the right thing. I don't have to hide my face in shame. I'm not afraid to show my face in the store again and I left feeling o.k. and nat stark raving mad and in the throes of a full panic attack. Whew, I passed shopping test number one, I may just give it another try someday soon! All in all Devilteen and I are having a great weekend together , she even told me that she had fun with me today, music to a mothers ears. I think I'll keep her!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
I really hope I will be able to just have fun this year and not allow myself to get all stressed out like I have in the past. I think that will be my end of year resolution... to remain calm in the face of the Holidays. Anyone else up for the challenge? It would be wonderful to have people wandering around humming Christmas Carols instead of running each other down trying to get the last whatever-it-was-the-child-asked-Santa-for-Christmas. What a different season we'd all have if we took the time to wish those we met tidings of good cheer instead of flipping them the finger when they cut us off in traffic. Let's give gigantic kudos to all the shop employees who put up with the ranting, impatient parents who leave their buying til the last minute.
My goal is to stay cheerful and polite throughout the season and pray for the people who just don't 'get it'. Seeing as we have but one chance to make a first impression let's all do our best to leave those we deal with feeling good about meeting us instead of cursing under their breath and hoping we don't come back! If only I were the ruler of the world, I would mandate such behaviors penalizing those who Grinch their way through life making sure all in their path are left feeling miserable. I would force these killjoys to spend a day alone in a room with only the piped in sounds of THE CHIPMUNKS CHRISTMAS CAROLS to keep them company!
Yup, I'm psyched for the Holidays alright ! The very best part for me is the fact that I will spend the holidays with Devilteen, I didn't get to see her until January last year, because I was messed up with my addictions. This year not only am I clean and sober but my child actually wants to be with me. That is definately the best gift for any parent to receive ( I'm not saying I won't accept presents though!) We'll get to decorate the tree and go shopping and do some baking and hopefully not want to kill each other aftr all is said and done.
I've even made comittments to other people already- I have volunteered to help out at the A.A. alcothon. Who is this person and where did the grumpy lushgurl go? Honestly though, For once I just want to be happy and be able to create memories that I can, but also want to remember. Things sure have changed from this time last year that's for sure. I will now take a quick tour down the hallowed halls of yesterday to remind me of how far I've come... I was working six days a week and drinking seven. The only contact I had with others was at my job, which I loved, but it enabled me to operate in a fuzz. My nights were spent drinking until I ran out or passed out, whichever came first. I hated me/ I worked to pass the days and drank to pass the nights, just me, no friends, no family around. I am very grateful to have the chance at a new life today.
Well I hope I haven't depressed anyone today, it's just really important to always remember where I came from so that I won't feel the need to go back there again. Anyway the whole point of my ramblings this eve was to share in the spirit of the holidays so won't you all join me in this rendition of an old favorite...
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A LOT OF GOOD CHEER!!!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thank God that's over!!! Is it just me or does the impending season of merriment bring out the worst in others too? It's not that I'm a grinch or anything, it just stresses me out so much that I kinda want to hibernate until all the good cheer and other happy crap has passed. I haven't been working for about nine months now so I don't have an abundance of cash to "keep up with the Jones' ". I know everyone always says it's not about the gifts, but let's face it, who doesn't like to receive a few Christmas prizes?
At least Devilteen is a little older now, I don't have to keep up the illusion of Santa anymore, talk about a relief! She was never one of those kids who asked for everything and then some, that was never the problem. My mother's guilt was usually what did me in! You know, I couldn't always afford much but still felt the pressure to GIVE. And of course throw in a few disfunctional family members and you have a whole new ball of uncomfortable situations to deal with. There's the obligatory 'family dinner' we all love so much. I love the turkey and stuffing part , but there are times I would love to stuff it all you-know-where! And I have two wonderful nieces that I only get to see at the Holidays, so I feel the need to buy their love in case thay have heard horror stories (about me) during the rest of the year.
Now that I am feeling better, I am actively looking for a job. I think that will help me immensely, all the malls are so decked out and cheery, it's bound to rub off on me. Of course if I do get to work in a mall, I'll also receive the fringe benefit of watching all the harried moms and dads rushing around frantically trying to fulfil their obligations before the dreaded day arrives! I'll have extra cash too which I will enjoy spending as soon as it lands in my hot little hand so I won't feel the wrath of guilt when the throngs of friends and admirers I have shower me with gifties, I'll actually be able to shower me too!!!
Come to think of it I guess I am kinda looking forward to the holidays, I've already changed my outgoing message on my phone and soon I will drag out all my decorations to put up. Heck I may even splurge on a Christmas C.D. . It may be an o.k. season after all!
So as a courtesy to all of my loyal readers I have decided to post my 'Christmas Wish List' early. No, no you don't have to thank me, that is just the kind of gurl I am, always thinking of others, my sole objective being to make YOUR life easier! Get ready, here it is...
I would like any of the followig to put under my tree this year(anything you don't get me this year, you can always give me next year)
1. A Mustang rag top (not necessarily brand new, last years' model is also acceptable)
2. A gift certificate for a week at a spa-You can choose the location, of course Arizona or California would be awesome!
3. A full C.D. library including some of my all time favorites like Elton John, The Beatles, Razorback, The Tragically Hip, Shania, Madonna, Cold Play, Bon Jovi( I'll post more choices as I think of them)
4. A diamond solitaire ring (VSI is o.k. with me, no bigger than 1/2 carat though, cause I have small hands
5. I've always wanted to go to N.Y.C. for a wardrobe shopping spree!
6. A man would also be a pleasant surprise (a mute man would be even better, oh and I like 'em young and trainable)
6. Chocolate is never turned down in my house
7. Real perfume, you know, the kind you have to ask them to get for you
8. A beautiful wall calendar to fit in my frame
9. Maybe a day of pampering at one of our finer salon's
10. I'll leave this one blank, you can chose a gift for me yourself!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Of course this computer does not help the time pass more slowly either. I just sit down ( I think) and all of a sudden hours have past! I did get some productive things accomplished today though. I've done some laundry, I took the garbage out and I vaccuumed my place, oh and I cleaned out the bird cage too. Does it sound to you like I'm trying to justify something? Does it sound like maybe I feel guilty or what? Very perceptive!!! In reality, I don't know how I managed to get anything done, I've been so busy playing free-on-line computer games!
Yes I confess. I am not only a Blogaholic, but I have found myself spending hours playing computer games. I've heard of people who have serious addictions to the internet, I wonder if the free-on-line games count? It's not like I'm visiting porn sites or anything, and I don't feel that I'm neglecting housework or other things. But still, it feels like a guilty pleasure somehow. I need to get a life! Maybe a job or something.
I shared this dilemma with a friend of mine not that long ago. It was shortly after I had received my new computer with it's big beautiful screen and all kinds of neat features that I didn't have before. I found myself actually avoiding things and people so that I could "play". The hope was that the novelty would wear off at some point, but this week has been a blur! Thank God I have my meeting tomorrow night, it's a commitment I have made to myself and others and it will give me a chance to venture out into the world of humans once again.
Another reason I am looking forward to tomorrow, well there are actually several reasons- I get to spend yet another weekend with Devilteen. Sounds a little crazy huh? but I actually miss her when she's not here, we have been doing things together lately, like playing scrabble and going out for walks together, all the things that kind of got neglected when I was still using. Tomorrow I get to meet a new friend in person too. Funny that I find that exciting, I used to panic at the thought of 'having' to meet someone new, maybe I am actually being transformed into a reasonable facsimile of a normal person. Oh and of course we mustn't forget getting to see The Baby! and his momma, of course. I will be able to hold him and cuddle him and then send him home until the next time I get baby fever! It's ALL good.
As much as I enjoy my alone time, it can be very dangerous for me too. It's like slipping back into old patterns for me, you know, I leave the house long enough to get junk food. I play my games, not answering the phone and not making plans...kind of reminds me of the 'old' days of drinking and using. The good news though is that I crave the company of others today. I don't like having too much alone time and I try to get out for a walk and some fresh air several times a week even if I have nowhere to go (the liquor store was always a destination before). I think I am kinda looking forward to working again too, it'll break the monotony of so many hours with nothing to do. On that note, I will say good night for now, and go do some homework for my therapist, I'm going surfing for some career ideas wish me luck!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
So I tuned into my new addiction today- reading - commenting-posting on Blogs, and I realized that I didn't post yesterday. Horror of horrors the Blogging world did not come to a screeching halt without my assorted ramblings of wisdom? I actually have a really good reason for not posting yesterday, Yosickmomma is sick!!! No I don't mean that in the cool, Hott, good way, I mean literally sick! Why is it that when anyone else in the family is sick that the world as we know it begins to spin around them, But when the momma is sick life pretty much continues as normal( I use that term loosely).
It really sucks to be sick in yomommas world. Take yesterday for example- I'm lying on the couch with my box of Kleenex waiting for the Y&R to start when the cable goes out! I turn to whine to someone but no one is there! I've cancelled my appointments for the day, have not taken any phonecalls and NOW the cable goes out??? Whassup wit dat?---notice the attempt at cool! I then proceeded to the computer to check in on my Blogerellas only to find that one has not yet posted and I cannot comment on the other one's Blog...What else can go wrong today? Suffice it to say that it reaally just sucks to be sick in my world! I know that if Devilteen had been here there is a possibilty that she would have noticed the red runny nose, the watery eyes, the pathetic glazed way they tried to focus an her face- NO I AM NOT DRINKING AGAIN! Maybe if I had answered the phone I would have found a sympathetic friend on the line but NOOO ,not me I have to suffer in silence all by self! My two cats and my budgie don't care about my impending death either as long as they have been fed!
So today I get up hoping to have a better day when I am mortified to find tha Fourbucks re-introduced their Holiday flavour! This information was gleaned from another Blog of a soon-to-be-new-friend. This news disturbed me for a number of reasons 1) That on the day that I was sick, they've brought out this celebratory yumminess, 2) That I was not notified previous to said coming out, and 3) That I have never even tasted the concoction! Yup you guessed it,I totally missed the boat on another of today's up and coming cool-maker's! Not only have I never tried this recipe, but 'going' out for a coffee is actually a treat for me! One time the Maven actually took me into one of these pay-too-much-to-take-it-home-with-you places and I practically had an anxiety attack! Maven confidenly ordered her usual half-caf-soy-double-cream-latte-hold-the-whip, thenturned to me and said "what would you like". I know it was a set-up, her and Devilteen have secret alliance to finally show me that I am not now, nor will I ever reach their level of coolness!
As further proof of this (alleged) alliance I offer into evidence exhibit #2... Later that night Maven and Devilteen were surfing different sites, they were giggling away together, trading secret infomation about various videos and songs that they knew I had never heard of using words and phrases they knew I didn't understand. Every once in a while they would remember that I was there and start speaking un-greek! And when did it become o.k. to get along with your mother's friends??? Help I have fallen into the land of may-never-be-cool and my child and best friend are laughing hysterically at my misery!
Well now my fine feathered friends, and others, I must off for the day, I think I will go check the messages on my phone. There may actually be a message from someone who loves me in a language that even I can understand! So until we post again...See ya...Lushgurl out! See, I can be cool!
Monday, November 06, 2006
I'm not embarrassed to share my age at all, that being said, I will now set the Women's Liberation movement back about forty years... When I was in high school I remember these computer rooms and everyone talking about the new and exciting world that was just around the corner! Well, I had absolutely no interest in these huge noisy machines with their little cards with the funny little holes punched in them! I totally did not get what all the hype was about for a number of reasons...1) How could these big ol' things possibly change life as we knew it? 2) I failed grade nine typing! and 3) When I grew up I was going to marry the man of my dreams and be a stay-at-home-mom and bake cookies like my mom did!!!
Suffice it to say that it is possible, just slightly possible that I may have (allegedely) been a little uh, misguided! OKAY! I'll admit it just this once- I was wrong! Shudder. That didn't feel great at all! I dunno if I'm just an old-fashioned gurl or what but all these technology things seem to be the very bain of my existance. I know all this stuff was solely designed to make our lives easier, it just seems to me that we all were doing fine before ( read I'm so lost today).
Does anybody out there remember when you actually had to be at home to receive a phone call? Do you remember when one actually had to peel one's generous rump off of the sofa in order to change the t.v. channel? And how's about the good old days when we actually used an oven to prepare the family dinner? Is it just me or has the whole world gone (technology) crazy ? Don't answer that if the answer is that I'm the one who has gone crazy!! The world just moves so fast today is all I'm saying.
I'm a little behind the times? I know that is what you all are thinking. I know that is definately what Deviltten tells me on a daily basis " mom" she says ever so innocently, " Tell me what it was like in the OLD days!" Refer back to my original posting to see how very un-cool I really am! "Okay my Devilchild, In the old days we used to go out to see a movie in the theatre"! "What? no D.V.D.?" she enquires incredulous. " No my love, and we had record players and record albums and no MP3 players!!" Imagine what today's children would do back in 'the old days'. How would they survive without cell phones and I-Pod nanos and of course the X box (do they even still have the Xbox?
So yeah I guess I am just a little outdated, I don' t have a flip phone or caller I.D. on my 'land-line'. I never did buy my child a nintendo and until recently we didn't own a microwave!! But this computer Blogging thing seems to have caught my attention. You just never know , huh? Oh and by the way, I'm not the only one who seems to have been swept up in this phenomina, on tonight's "Corner Gas", Hank had a Blog, so maybe I am cool after all!
With all the amazing new gadgets they have today, tell me, if you will, why hasn't anyone come up with something really useful? For example, I would love to have one of those air brushing thi ngy's they use in the magazines to erase wrinkles and grey hairs and take about twenty pounds off with the push of a button! I'd like the use at home version though, so that before I left the house I could do a little touch-up on myself! And hey wouldn't it be great to have a do-it-yourself version of lipo? That way I could continue to eat chocolate and not worry about where the "end" results would land!
You know I may just be onto something here. So if you don't see my postings anymore it could be that I've been discovered as the next great inventor of the twenty first century, or that they've carted me off to the new and improved Royal Ottawa Hospital for Mental Health!!! Ciau for now my friends!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Well it seems that I have successfully published my very first Blog. I dunno about you, but it seemed like an awful lot of work just to get a few comments! Don't get me wrong, I love the adulation, quite frankly it may be worth it on the days when life seems gloomy and dull. I'm just not sure if I have created a monster with this thing...
Let's take a look at the situation here, a single mom staying up til all hours of the night typing away trying to put her life in perspective. A) She doesn't actually have a life to perspect. B) She must be very lonely. C) Does anybody really care? We think not!!!
But never-the-less I shall faithfully post once again because, dammit, it just feels good! As I may have mentioned, I am one of those people who usually goes for the quick fix. Maybe, just maybe this will be a test of my patience. Maybe I will learn that good things come to those who wait. Or maybe I'll just go totally insane checking my Blog every half hour, the anticipation creating the slightest amount of perspiration on my brow. But what if nobody has read me that day, then what will I do?
I don't actually think I would experience the D.T.'s or anything , but I have been known to throw the odd tantrum now and again. In the deepest part of my psyche, I suppose that I may think I am special, that would explain my need for recognition (in anyone else's world) of every little victory. Case in point: I just recently achieved five months clean and sober. At the meetings I attend we are given tokens for our sobriety, we have the desire to stop drinking, then one month, two month, three month and WHAT? six month. Hey, wait a minute, what happened to four and five?Yeah, yeah, I know there is a six month but I want the applause NOW!!! So I got a three and a one and taped them together for my four months, then a two and a three for my five months, but somehow it just didn't feel the same. After all I was the only one there and honestly it did feel a little silly getting up and presenting it to myself and when I applauded, well let's not even go there!
As I search back to find out where it was that I got this way it would appear as if I am actually at fault...For example, when Devilteen was born (no she didn't come out as Devilteen ) we'll call her Debaby for the purpose of this analogy. Anyway after thirty hours of labour followed by a c-sec, clearly she was THE most beautiful baby ever born. I know what you are thinking here, that everyone believes that about their own child. But wait, there's more! ALL of the nurses would comment on her unique beauty too. And just when you thought it was too good to be true, there's still more!! Even new father's of other babies would say how beautiful Debaby was! Note to new father's, NEVER comment on the beauty of another womans' baby if you value your, um, bits!!!
When I would take Debaby out for a walk in her stroller people would constantly come up to me to Adore Her. At Debaby's baptism, when the Priest intoduced Her to Her congregation,Debaby raised her tiny little hand and graced them with a Royal wave and a simple"HI!" I kid you not!!! As Debaby got a little older (I am a firm believer that children respond better to praise than critisim) I as the attentive mom (read accomodating), would comment allthe time on her wondrous accomplishments. When we were potty training (Debaby, not me) and she would tinkle in her little throne, I would gleefully cry "YAY!" and clap my hands. If we happened to have a guest and Debaby would perform a #2. all of us would be required to attend the performance and deliver a hearty round of applause!
I guess the point I am trying to make is, that I know longer feel the joy vicariously through my child, I am at a point in my life where I want a liitle recognition for MY own accomplishments. Don't get me wrong I still absolutely believe that I did the best I could to prepare Devilteen for the cruel, cruel world she is soon to be thrust out in, I just want some of it for me now! Is that so wrong? We think not!
So in closing I would like to give a quick shout out to those of you out there who will read and comment (read praise) on my humble postings...HOLLA! I appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to (love) me!!! No doubt I will return with another edition of "This Too Could Be Your Life" Later dudettes!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
If ever one needs a reality check, have a child. Preferably a teenaged girl! As I type away at what I consider to be a reasonable (albeit slow) pace, Devilteen can be found rotflhao!!! I hope I got that right because I don't want to give her any more ammunition to explain how uncool I am.
I'm not quite sure when I left the land of cool, I just know that I have found myself here, I've fallen(in) and I can't get up(out).In my day(Oh Gawd I sound like my mother!),I fancied myself to be quite the "MissThang" and with one fell swoop, all the coolness about me was disintegrated just like the Zuma balls!In case you are not aware, Zuma is a free on-line game that I am not addicted to!
I came across said game quite by accident one night when I was attempting to post a comment on my g-friends' blog. As I painfully tapped out the witty retort to her daily entry I had no idea how difficult the posting part would turn out to be.I could not recall my user name(Devilteen had set everything up for me)then I could not remember what my e-mail address was. Well as a recovering addict, I did what came naturally, I turned to something to take me out of myself and give me that quick fix we all know and love so much!
I think all this occurred about a week ago or so, I'm not exactly sure because I may have lost a few days along the way!! So into the land of more gray hairs I plummeted. The rest is all kind of blurry, but I tell you, it has been a very short week! I've been walking around in a slightly hungoverish kind of state, you know, not getting enough sleep, binging on chocolate while I attempt to beat the apparently unbeatable Zuma game...%