Tuesday, February 27, 2007


This morning I was up and out the door bright and early (for me) to be at court for 9:30. I am feeling so much better lately and of course it doesn't bother me at all that the sun is out shining. The birds are chirping in the trees, the snow is finally beginning to melt...spring is in the air. Of course, this being Ottawa, I have not yet succombed to the urge to pack away my winter clothes. We here are smart, after all, when it comes to the weather, we know that every year Mother Nature will try to fool us into believing that the very long winter is actually over, only to have another foot of snow dumped on us in April!! HAH, take THAT Mother Nature, I am just going to enjoy the beautiful weather that is here while still dressed in my winter attire!

I just love the longer days. I love listening to the birds chirping outside, and my little Jenny bird calling out to them "hello!" Yup, it seems that somehow, I have managed to survive the long, cold, dark days of winter without a deep depression that has taken me down in the past. I am trying my best to just BE, you know, like not asking too many questions ie: Why is my life so good lately? or OK what will go wrong now? This I admit, is all very new behaviour for me, as I am sure some of you know! I have never felt contented to just have a regular kind of life. In the past I have even been known to create chaos or crisis where none existed before just so I could feel 'normal'. It sounds pretty f-d up, I know, but somehow I just never felt OK with being OK! Well, there goes AA working in my life again!!!

Yeah, so at court the lawyers (mine and Angels) both asked for another continuance, of two weeks. Funny how last year I felt such outrage every time there was a change in THE PLANS. After all I was barely able to hang on to my sanity and I kept thinking 'surely THEY will realize what a mistake THEY made by taking my kid away, any day now THEY will say she can come home'. But, of course that was not to be. As I have said many times, I did stop using coke but had no intention of giving up my other vices, it took me quite a while to admit that my life was unmanageable and then more time to have the desire to do something about it.ON this Friday (by the Grace of God) I will have 9 months of continuous clean and sober living...WOW!!! I am looking forward to getting up and taking my yellow chip to show the new(er)comers that there is hope. And to show the oldtimers how far they have come. Good stuff all around, I'd say! The point is that I am working toward having my child move back home, that is what I want, but I am willing to negotiate today in HER best interest.

Not that long ago Angel told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to 'come home'. I was hurt and angry and whined at length about it on my blog. Since then, we have had several conversations to that effect. Today I GET that she is afraid of so many things, I have on more than one occasion, told her I wouldn't use or drink again, and I have on more than one occasion, gone back to doing just what I promised I wouldn't do. Who can blame her for not exactly trusting me this time? The difference for me is that I have made NO promises today. I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, I am going to meetings, reaching out to others, telling all my secrets and most importantly, not using. That is all I can do for today. I do hope and pray that Angel will come home, but I am not in control of the outcome. I am grateful for that today, it was a lot of pressure thinking I had so much control!

As per usual I want to share from my "Daily Reflections"...

Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. As my recovery progressed, I realized that the new mantle was tailor-made for me. The elders of the group gently offered suggestions when change seemed impossible. Everyone's shared experiences became the subject for treasured friendships. I know that the fellowship is ready and equipped to aid each suffering alcoholic at all crossroads in life. In a world beset with many problems, I find this assurance a unique stability. I cherish the gift of sobriety. I offer God my gratitude for the strength I receive in the fellowship that truly exists for the good of all members.

What a great way to continue on with my day... until later, my friends...HUGS to ALL!

Saturday, February 24, 2007


I can hardly believe that it has been over a week since I last posted! While my ego was bruised that the world at large did not come to a screeching halt without my presense, my heart was glad to see my sober buddies still right where I left them after my last stalk-a-thon!

I have been quite sick, no, not just in the head! I have actually been ill! Last weekend was the worst I have felt since getting sober, and I remember every excruciating detail of my misery...So I am grateful for that! The child insisted on coming to visit last weekend, although I did try to talk her out of it. I had called her to say I was sick, you know, give her an out, but she said that she wanted to come anyway, and that she could help take care of me! How times have changed! When I was still drinking, she would spike my coffee for me in the morning, probably so I wouldn't take it out on her (how badly I was feeling), today, she Wanted to help me feel better!

I'm not sure exactly what was ailing me, maybe a flu bug, I just know that by Saturday night my temperature had soared to 104 degrees! The thing is, my Angel was here to wake me up and monitor my temp every so often. She brought me lots of liquids to drink, filled a cool bath for me to sit in and was just Here for me when I was feeling so badly. God I love her! What a beautiful young lady she is turning into! Despite my best efforts to bring her down with me on my personal road to hell, she stills loves me and is willing to spend the weekend with a sick mommy who sleeps alot and complains that the bath water is too cold!!! Thankfully I am feeling much better today. I am still coughing up a lung every so often, but have not had a fever since Monday. No I haven't been to a doctor yet, but will go on Monday if I am still symptomatic.

On Saturday my Angel had asked me if she could meet up with a friend that she hadn't seen in about a year. I said yes, mostly because I was too sick to entertain her, but also because she has shown herself to be trustworthy. I don't have to worry about her going out and getting into trouble ( you know, devilteen stuff like scoring drugs or shop lifting, things she USED to do). Any way the friend was a guy that she used to go to school with, and I had absolute trust in her. I gave her my cell phone 'just in case' and a couple of bus tickets for getting home. We discussed where she would be and what time she would be home and I didn't feel the need to check up on her in the hour and a half that she was out of my sight! What a great new life!

Angel had left here at about three thirty and said she'd be home in a couple of hours... at quarter to five she was back safe and sound and sharing how the visit went! That's different! Well apparently the boy was quite happy to see my daughter, and had asked if he could hold her hand. She said yes that would be ok. A little while later he asked if he could have a kiss ( in my mind as she is telling me this I'm thinking "no, stop I don't wanna hear about it!"), but she continues oblivious to my screaming fears in my mind... She tells me " you know mom, when he asked if he could kiss me I got kind of an icky feeling in my tummy. I said no because I didn't know him that well and then I told him I had to be home by four thirty". Yes , this is MY daughter I am talking about here! She said NO! She meant NO and the best part, she listened to her inner voice telling her it was time to leave! WOW, AMAZING, WAY TO GO ANGEL!!!

For all of her life I have tried to teach my Angel how to best protect herself to stay safe, I guess in part because of all the abuse I had suffered growing up but more because I wanted her to know that she could say NO, she could set boundaries and her feelings were right and valid. I remember once when she was about four, still in kindergarten, when I went to pick my Angel up the teacher took me aside and said "I have something to tell you". Of course my first thought was Oh God what did she do, what will it cost me? But to my surprise, the teacher wanted to praise me for the way I was bringing up my child... You see there was a little boy who had a crush on my Angel and for the most part she was happy to be the object of his affections, but it seemed that during the story circle, this little boy sat just a little too close,and instead of belting him or yelling at him, Angel simply said " Can you move over, you are invading my boundaries!" FOUR years old at the time!

The teacher thought this was so incredibly cute, but also got how important this lesson was to give a little girl such a strong sense of self. YOU GO GIRL!!! I have seen Angel do stuff like this many different times throughout her life and am always quite amazed and proud of her. It hasn't always been easy either. One time an ' Auntie' was leaving after spending the weekend with us, the auntie said come and give me a hug and kiss goodbye, but Angel said "NO". Auntie was quite offended and tried to insist on the hug/kiss thing at which point I spoke up and repeated that Angel said no and you have to respect that. Funny how people just assume that if you are a grown up a child must do what they are told. I have shared many a time that Angel has said no to me which has led me to pull out my hair, but I truly believe that it is all good, especially when I see her standing up for herself and not doing something just to not offend another person. As much as I wish I had been told it was ok to say no when I was little, I am so grateful to be able to teach this to my child today.

In keeping with my happy frame of mind today, here is my 'Daily Reflections' reading for today...

I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.
As Bill sees it pg. 37

My sponsor told me that I should be a grateful alcoholic and have "an attitude of gratitude"--- that gratitude was the basic ingredient of humility and that "anonymity was the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities". As a result of this guidance, I can start every morning on my knees thanking God for three things: I am alive, I am sober and I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I try to live an "attitude of gratitude" and thoroughly enjoy another twenty four hours of the AA way of life. AA is not just something I joined, it is something I live.

Here's wishing you all another gift of a happy and grateful attitude throughout your day!

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Today I am going to start with my daily meditation from "Daily Reflections"...

Feb 15

Taking Action
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.84

One of the most important things AA has given me, in addition to freedom from booze, is the ability to take "right action". It says the promises will ALWAYS materialize if I WORK for them. Fantasizing about them, debating them, preaching about them, and faking them just won't work. I'll remain a miserable, rationalizing dry drunk. By taking action and working the Twelve Steps in all my affairs, I'll have a life beyond my wildest dreams!

I just love the promises, I have quoted parts of them throughout my blogs. The thing is, this time last year, I could not have felt worse about myself and my life. I was just about to quit my (unhealthy) job, I spent Valentine's Day alone, and of course I was still drinking. Today I realize how far I have come! What a wonderful gift I have been given! I can hardly believe all of the good things that have begun to happen to me and in my life. Many of the promises have already come true for me, and not only did I doubt that would ever happen, but I didn't even believe that I was worthy of all this good stuff.

So to share my miracles with you, I am going to tell you about the good things I have in my life today...
-Today I am free from alcohol and drugs, not only am I happy about this, I am grateful too
-I am learning to let go of my past in that I can't change it, I can only do things differently today
-Serenity and peace are with me on most days today, and if it doesn't start out that way, I have the tools to change it
-I am actually starting to believe that I too, have a story to be told, and am no longer afraid to share my secrets of how bad I WAS, if it helps keep someone else sober that day
-For the most part I have accepted that even I do have a purpose in this life, sometimes I don't clearly see what that is, but I am willing to ASK HIM
-More and more I am reaching out to call people, I truly care how folks are doing, I'm not just saying "How are you?" I WANT to know!
-Today I face life with gratitude for every little thing, and I always have more than enough! I look forward to getting up in the morning (although I'd appreciate not waking up at seven when I have nothing to do that day LOL)
-Everyday that I have a roof over my head, good food to eat, and friends to share with is a great day
-Today I am able to stop myself from blurting out the first thing that pops into my head, I'm sure someday my Angel will appreciate how difficult this can be!
-Every single day that I have today is a blessing and a gift, and I never could have accomplished this miracle on my own....Thank you to MY GOD, and to all of you!

Holy Moly! Until I looked at each promise on it's own I had not realized just how true they are for me. What a great PROGRAM of recovery that has given me sobriety and much, much more than I ever dared to dream of. I hope the promises come true for you today. Peace all!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


So here I am, on Valentine's day, all by self (big surprise there!) The very strange thing is that I am not feeling sad or sorry for myself. I am not going to spend the day avoiding people, places, or things that remind me, endlessy, how it should really suck to be single today! I don't quite know how I got here, I mean the new and improved version of self! Could it be that I am actually starting to change? Could it be that I have managed to stay clean and sober through many trials in my life? Could it be that maybe I am starting to feel ok about me? Could it be because I am going to meetings, not just in body, but in spirit too? HMMMM...Nah It's just a MIRACLE, yeah, that's it!!!

I have been stalking many blogs today, as I usually do in the mornings, and have felt 'a part of''. I have read Valentines' wishes that I have said were posted JUST for me!!! I have shared my few words of wisdom here and there, and have sent hugs and love to my blogger friends! It feels good! Here we go again...

I was talking to my counsellor yesterday, and sharing that although I have been feeling very tired lately, I haven't really been depressed for quite a while. To those who suffer from depression, I know you can relate to the ever-waiting-for-the-black-cloud mentality. It's like we can have a few good days, enjoying life but sooner or later, the comfort of sorrow, the familiarity of pain, the desperate lonliness always return. I'm not saying I like that better, it's just what I am used to. Feeling good, being happy, are new and foreign, and therefore scary to me! A part of me will wait for the proverbial shit to hit the fan once again. It is a struggle to just BE happy. Gratitude goes a long way on days like today!!!

I had to check on my comments to the post of the other day (I'm nosy like that), and noticed a comment from MC, a friend in recovery, who suggested I stop calling the child Devilteen!!! HMMPH... what can I respond to that? In our real life I do call her ANGEL, honestly!! But for the purposes of Blogging about my (our) life I have laughingly dubbed her Devilteen, as the teen age years seem to be fraught with ever-changing moods, problems, crisis and you know, stress for the mommy!!! The thing is, if I call her Angel on my blog, you all out there will not believe me when I share how rotten she is sometimes!!! It's like our friend, the Maven, who had met the child on several occasions and flat out refused to believe that this wonderful young woman ever drove me crazy!! I swear, my love for her knows no bounds, it is unconditional, and ever-lasting. That being said, somedays I do fantasize of killing her and burying her in my garden...Please don't take my ramblings too seriously though, it is just me venting to try and maintain some semblance of sanity. But I will consider renaming the child, to avoid offending more sensitive souls whose opinions and life I value! I sure hope MC visits this post, I'm so striving for progress today...

Today is going to be a really good day, I am going to my regular Wednesday night meeting where Joe will celebrate 34 years of sobriety! He has been announcing his own upcoming celebration for over a month now! How cute is that!!! I love Joe. He is 70 years young and obviously has done many things right to be able to get to 34 years. He goes to one or two meetings a day, now that he is retired. He volunteers for Meals-on-Wheels, which is a wonderful program that brings hot meals to those who can't get out. By himself, he kept the AA Christmas alcothon supplied with coffee (no small feat). He shares openly at every discussion group he attends and the most humble part? He attributes his recovery to God granting him just one day of sobriety. I have been told that for this very special day, the chairperson has arranged to get a video of Bill W. speaking at a meeting! I can not wait! this will indeed be a Valentine's day to remember, and I think the best gift of love I can give myself, wish you all could be there with me! I will come back later to share what I heard though. Until then ...

HUGE HUGS to All and may your day be filled with love and miracles and happiness XXOXXOOXXOO

Sunday, February 11, 2007


The Devilteen and I had a really good weekend, she has gone to that place where she lives today, yes I still refuse to call it her home! I figure her home is with me even if she is only here on the weekends! I used to get so terribly depressed when she would leave. I hated that I would have to let her go. At the beginning of our new living arrangement, when Devilteen was still in foster care, she would cry and beg me to let her stay here. It broke my heart in ways I can't even begin to explain. I wanted so badly to keep her here with me, but at the time, if she didn't go back to the foster home, the police would have been called and we both would have gotten in a lot of trouble.

March 1 '07 will be two years to the day that Children's Aid came to remove my baby from my home. I will never forget that day as long as I live. The worker showed up at my door, unannounced, at 9:00 AM. I had just gotten up for the day. Devilteen had been at a friends house for a couple of nights previously to that. It was a Tuesday morning. On the Sunday I had told Devilteen that I had relapsed on cocaine. Oh my God, the look on her face is imprinted into my mind, the hurt, the disbelief, the anger, all of it in flashes as she tried to understand what it was that I was saying. I had chosen to tell her because I finally was able to stay clean for five days at the time. Looking back, it seems ridiculous, she was thirteen at the time! But somehow I had convinced myself that I owed it to my daughter to be honest with her. Yes I was still drinking, and smoking pot, but the blow (my first love drug) was much more of a threat, or so I thought.

I thought in my heart that Devilteen had known I had been using blow again. I don't know why I thought this, I was very careful (as a using addict could be). I never did it in front of her, but I rarely slept or ate, I just thought she knew. But my Angel had no idea what mommy had really been up to, she believed the lies that I just wasn't hungry or that I could nap when she was at school. She trusted me and I lied to her, and let her down. So on the day that I confessed my sins to her, it broke her heart. The thing is, I had relapsed several years before and managed to get clean and of course made the obligatory promises that I would never use again, and I truly meant it at the time. But to Devilteen, who loved and trusted me, I couldn't have hurt her more if I had slapped her instead. "You promised me mom" she said, "you promised you wouldn't ever do it again, how could you?" And then came the tears.

My tears born from months of guilt and lies and probably some withdrawal thrown in too. Her tears were from the betrayal of the person who said they loved her more than anything. She naturally was angry, so angry that she ran up to her room and didn't want to talk to me. She was of course hurt, how could anyone who knew they were an addict USE again? I felt so helpless and overwhelmed I wanted to fix things but had no idea where to start. When she finally came out of her room, I apologized and told her that I understood that I was the last person she wanted to talk to. I wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms and swear that everything would be ok, but Devilteen didn't want to be near me. She called a friend and asked to go there, but before she left I said " Please don't keep this all inside baby, please just talk to SOMEONE, anyone that you CAN trust"... She called from her friends house later that evening and asked to stay overnight, the following day was school, but I said yes because I thought being with her friend was the comfort she needed at the time. Little did I know that my child would actually take my advice and talk to someone!

Apparently Devilteen had gone to school and went to talk to her guidance counsellor. If I was a fly on the wall I might have known exactly what was said, but I wasn't there. All I knew was that a call had been made to CAS and on Tuesday I was deemed an unfit parent, and my child was placed into a foster home. Even today, with all the changes I have made, with over 15 months clean from coke and more than eight months clean and sober, it still hurts. We have had some rough times, my daughter and I, I think I am remembering all of this today because I must go to court on Tuesday (again). True, I am working with children's aid today, I am clean and sober today, but I still have a lot of ground to make up in the credibility department. When a Judge sees 'drug addiction' in the documents, I'm sure they have a certain amount of reservations, and so they should. When we are using we can't be trusted , we lie, we cheat, we do what we must to just get high. It takes a long time to get back the trust, especially when a child is involved.

So back to court I go. I will have my head up high, I will not let the shame of my mistakes hold me back. I cannot undo what I have done, I can only live better today. CAS is asking for another six months society wardship to enable Devilteen to complete her school year. After that I am praying that she will come home. We are both going to counselling today, and I have told her that she doesn't have to keep secrets to protect me, I don't know if she will be able to trust her counsellor, but I know they get along and that is a start.

Tonight when I go to bed I will thank God for helping me stay clean and sober today. I will thank Him for this wonderful weekend that I shared with my daughter and I will pray to receive the message of His will for me and the power to carry that out. The rest is not in my hands... So before I go I want to share with you the reading from my Daily Reflections book...

The limits of self reliance... We asked ourselves why we had them (fears). Wasn't it because self reliance failed us? AA Big Book pg.68

All of my character defects separate me from God's will. When I ignore my association with Him I face the world and my alcoholism alone and must depend on self-reliance. I have never found security and happiness through self-will and the only result is a life of fear and discontent. God provides the path back to Him and to His gift of serenity and comfort. First however, I must be willing to acknowledge my fears, and understand their source and power over me. I frequently ask God to help me understand how I separate myself from Him.

Have a peaceful and contented evening folks...

Saturday, February 10, 2007


It seems I have successfully completed another week... There was a time not that long ago, when I would wake up dreading each and every day. I'm not quite at the point where "everyday a new adventure", however I have , apparently, passed the point of " aww, f-k, another day to deal with! In just a little over eight months, my life has seemingly been transformed from dull, bleak, get-through-it-however-I-can to wow another brand new day! I must give credit where credit is due though, for I, on my own, could never have achieved such a miracle in this 'lil Lushgurls life!

As I have mentioned a time or two before... Kudos to AA for f-king up my drinking career! It seems that ones' first exposure to the program, changes ones' perspective about ones' drinking to the point where , it is never quite the same! Granted, by the time I attended my first AA meeting, my drinking was no longer social, not by any stretch of even the most vivid imagination. The thing, for me, was that I had heard a few things in ' that stupid meeting' that hit a little too close to home. You see, like any good little alcoholic, the progression of my illness took me to places that a few years before I never would have gone (read the places where I could still sit in judgement of others as ' I was not THAT bad'... ) As long as I could see someone who was in worse (alcoholic ) shape than I, it was easy to justify that I was not an alcoholic!!! Anyone relate to that?

Fast forward however many years necessary to the point where drinking ( and/or using ) consumed my every waking thought and action. I had been in and out of the program a few times by this point. I had achieved certain milestones in my recovery in the way of a couple of one year medallions. I had managed to do a certain amount of personal inventory taking and making some amends. But I never truly 'got honest' with YOU, me and my Higher Power. Result...back out once again to see how much further down the scale I could slither! Yup. THEY said that maybe if I was "painstaking about this phase of my recovery, I would be amazed before I was half-way through", and once again, I rewrote this to mean that maybe I was recovered enough to drink normally...

And back out I went again, all for the greater good though... it was research I was doing, yeah that's it, I was ever-so- selflessly proving to you, me and cousin Billy, that 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic'. Of course I threw myself whole heartedly into my research project. I traveled in new, lower circles, I did things I would never have imagined myself doing. I achieved a new low (high?) in self-loathing, yup even I could not have envisioned how much worse I was actually capable of feeling about me and life in general. It was like someone had sucked all the fun out of the pursuit of drunken-ness for me, but dammit, I'm NO quitter!!! I figured if I changed the kind of alcoholic beverage I over indulged in, that maybe I could drink like an earthling. Maybe if I only drank alone, well ok, I knew at this point that I could not drink like an earthling, but NO ONE was around to see it!

It seemed my impending demise was not to be quick and painless and in the privacy of my own home. No , not me. My demise was slow and painful and always (in one way or another) blatantly obvious to all but me. Yes, I have another example for you (you're welcome)... It was a Friday night, I remember it not at all, I had finished work and gone to my local liquor store to stock up on my beverages for the upcoming week (famous last words). Saturday morning I awoke, not in my bed, but on the couch, in my 'living' room. I knew before I even opened my eyes that something was not right. OWWW, my face hurt. OWWWWW, my knee was killing me and OWWWWWWW, how the hell did I manage to scrape the entire bottom of my left arm, and why am I not wearing my jeans..... up the stairs I stumbled to get ready for work, which was in less than an hour . I passed the mirror in the bathroom on my way to the shower, and caught a glimpse of someone who was Definately NOT me!!!

It appeared that Lushgurl had been transformed from a fairly normal looking-to-the-outside-world gurl, into a very scary picture indeed. I did not one but two double takes! I couldn't believe what I was seeing looking back at me, I looked like I had gone a few rounds with a much bigger, more sober person, who had walked away with the WWF belt. I had a very swollen and blackened eye, my face was scraped form forehead to chin, and I had absolutely NO IDEA what had happened to me. The worst part (' cause things were never as bad as they seemed) was that I did have to be at work in less than an hour, and where did I work you wonder? In a Deli that was in a bar!!! Irony was never wasted on me... I pondered the idea of calling in sick, but alas, I was one of only two employees and as the 'manager' and Saturday being our busiest day and employee #2 having less than two weeks experience, my ponderance was short-lived.

The funny thing was, in that funny, glad-it's-you-not-me kind of way.... that I got very few reactions to my new and improved appearance. Yes there were a few sympathetic looks, and a couple of clients did ask me if I was OK, but for the most part, people would just try to avoid looking directly at me! Did wonders for my self-esteem , really. Of course there was one guy, a kind of adopted father if you will, who every time I limped by to serve a customer, looked angrier and angrier. At a slow moment on a very busy Saturday, he finally came into my kitchen. I could see that he was quite angry (at me?), he stormed up to me and demanded to know "who did this to you, I'll go out and shoot him myself?"... Gawd, if only I could will the ground beneath me to gape open and swallow me up, I would have. The 'best' part? He did NOT believe that I had done that to my self!!! He asked me several times through the course of that very long Saturday to 'just tell me who did this, I'll fix him up good!'.

I could go on with many more like stories to impress upon you the fact that I am and always will be, an alcoholic. But you've probably been there a time or two yourself, and if you haven't, trust me, you are definately not missing much!!! The point is, that today I woke up in my own bed, alone ( yeah some days that sucks) and I remember going to bed, and I don't have many beautiful unexplainable colours all over my body, and I don't wake up full of fear and dread each and every day. Today I can have whatever kind of a day I choose. It can be fun and spent with loved ones, it can be quiet, enjoyed in solitude, but it can be GOOD. For that I am grateful to every alcoholic I have ever met, the drinking and sober ones, and most of all, to all of you in recovery who share their experience , strength and hope with me. Have a GREAT Saturday every one!!!

Thursday, February 08, 2007


This is one of the many reminders that I have posted on the walls in my house. I, like so many others in recovery, have a short term memory problem. I was at my meeting last night ( the Rainbow group) and several people had brought up that they had problems staying sober for any length of time. The recurring theme that I heard was that they hadn't been to a meeting ( in days or weeks...). OK , so I get that it is tough to change from a drinking alcoholic to a sober alcoholic. I shared last night that twenty years ago I had received my first ( of two) one year medallions, the thing is, for me, after a period of time, say two or more years, I would go back out. The reason? For me, it was that eventually I would feel recovered, you know...complacent, high on life, proud of my accomplishments. But then the sleeping addict within me would convince me that maybe it was ok to miss just one meeting. Then maybe I would have a busy week and not get to a meeting at all. A month would pass then two, and sooner or later , I would go drink again!

If I have learned anything in these last twenty years, I hope that I will always remember to put my recovery first. We have all kinds of slogans to remind us, in the rooms, of course you have to be IN the rooms to see them! I love 'First things first'... because without recovery, my life would mean nothing. Each and every day I read my meditation books, I pray to my GOD for help, I reach out to friends, and I thank HIM for my sobriety.

Another slogan I love is "But for the grace of GOD' I always finish this one with...there go I... to me this means that if I do not have a daily conscious connection with my HP, then I will lose myself. It may be slowly at first, but surely in the end I will drink again and ' there go I' out to hurt me more, out to hurt others' more and out of the rooms so I can't share the message of recovery.

One Day at a Time is another slogan I absolutely cannot live without. A guy last night, who will celebrate 34 of sobriety, said he did it one day at a time. This is touching to me, that he thinks in Today, as I do, even with just a little over eight months for me, we both are just as far away from our first drink.

One of the best slogans for me has to be KISS- keep it simple stupid!!! As an alcoholic I find that I want to complicate things. I read the directions then try to find an easier, softer way to do things... for me this has led to disaster time and again. I think that Bill W. and Dr. Bob knew what they were doing all those years ago when the two of them would meet and talk recovery. Then they would carry the message to those who still suffered, Then they would meet together to share their experience, strength and hope. The next day they would start the process all over again... and look at AA today...All over the world, in countless different language, encompassing all religions, all colours of people, all sexes and sexual orientations. We are all alike in that we can never safely drink alcohol. And how do we achieve this daily reprieve from our alcoholism... DON'T DRINK AND GO TO MEETINGS!!!

Today I am ever so grateful for the sober Blogging community that I have found,on the days when I don't get out, I can spend hours 'stalking' sober blogs, reading the stories out there that are a lot like mine. I can give feedback ( read leave my two cents worth), I can post about my day and have people tell me how they can relate to my feelings. I love that there are others out there who I have connected with, as long lost brothers and sisters. We may never meet, but sometimes we do, but no matter where we are geographically, or in our recovery, we ALL only have today, and for that I AM VERY GRATEFUL...

Today I am choosing to make a list of things that make my world a better place, things I wish never to take for granted. Today I am grateful for...

-My sobriety
- My Devilteen, who calls her mommy when she is sick
-All of the people I have met in my recovery
-A safe place to go to share my fears, my hopes and about me
-The sun that is shining today
-The winter that will (soon???) end, giving way to the spring
-That today I have everything I need and then some
-I have good, nutrtious food to eat today
-I live in a safe and loving home
-That my pets are with me and love me no matter what
-All of the people who take time out of their day to say hi!

So today I will end My post with the sharing of one of my readings...Daily Reflections for February 8 th...


Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy will still allude us. That's the place that so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it's a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious-from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream- be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden "Mr. Hyde" becomes our main task.
The Best of Bill pg. 42-43

Regular attendance at meetings, serving and helping others, is the recipe that many have tried and found to be successful. Whenever I stray from these basic principles, my old habits resurface and my old self also comes back with all it's fears and defects. The ultimate goal of every AA is permanent sobriety, achieved One Day at a Time...

And If anyone had any doubt about a Higher Power...What was I talking about in my post???
Keep coming back...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


CORI tagged me, and I am afraid to oblige, but I'll do it anyway... It's a tag based on the alphabet, so let's all have fun now!!!

A=Available? YES, YES, YES!!!

B=Best Friend? I'd have to say the Maven, but don't tell her, she doesn't know it!!!

C= Cake or pie -Cherry cheesecake, or carrot cake BTW- I'll be havin' a big 'ol hunk a carrot cake at a 34 year anniversary in AA this month (YAY JOE!)

D= Drink of choice I love ice cold water, always have some in the freezer,but I drink WAY too much coffee!

E= Essential item you use everyday - My computer, too! I don't know how I ever lived without it!

F= Favorite color: I love pinks and purples and turquoise, almost any colour, but I'm not a big fan of yellows...

G= gummie bears or worms-I like gummi's if they are red, orange and sometimes yellow (have to be in a sour mood for that!)

H= Hometown -Born in Halifax, but Ottawa is my HOMEtown now

Indulgences - scratch tickets!

J= January or February - February, since it is that much closer to the end of freakin winter

K=Kids and Names - Desiree, yup, only one although sometimes I wonder!!!

L= Life is incomplete without... dreams, My God, my daughter, AA , my pets

M= Marriage date - April 15 1989 divorced by December of 1989

N=Number of siblings- 1 sister

O= Oranges or apples - oranges

P= Phobias or Fears -didn't ya read my last post??? I am afraid of lots... thunder and lightening, the dark, BUGS, public speaking, is that enough already? I am also afraid of rejection...


R= Reason to smile -the sunshine, my garden, the fact that I am clean and sober today, my love for Devilteen, all the things I have to be grateful for...

S= Season -the summertime, it's when I was born and I love all the colours, everything is SO alive!

T= Tag 3 or 4 people - hmmm, the Maven, Jobthingy, Chocolateer, Pam

U= Unknown fact about me: I too pierced something, it was only my ear, but I did it myself when I was 13...

V= Vegetable you don’t like -I like most vegetables, not too crazy about some spices though...curry, ginger, lemon grass

W= Worst habit -probably smoking- not ready to give it up yet, oh and like Cori, I also PICK stuff...

X= X-rays - plagued with sinus problems and allergies, I have had many catscans, do they count as Xrays?

Y= Your favorite food -Ummm...I love almost anything stir fried, chicken, steak, lots of (coloured) peppers, broccoli, carrots, shrimp Hmm getting hungry now!!! Oh yeah , and let's not forget the fifth food group...CHOCOLATE!!!

Z= Zodiac Sign - Virgo. Yes, I am a Virgin. Hey Cori, me too, Devilteen was an immaculate conception LOL

Okay, I've done my part. But what if no one reads this post, well not no one, but the people I tagged... OK I have an idea, if the one's I tagged don't read this, then YOU, yeah you, the one reading this, are tagged LOL....Have fun!!!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Okay folks, you asked for it so here it is. I received many suggestions about the kind of list that people wanted to see. After careful consideration, and much thought, I have decided to combine a number of elements . Hopefully this will satisfy the needs of all who depend on me for there daily dose of insanity...

My list is going to be quirky things about me that make me who I am...

1) I am a natural redhead with freckles.

2) I have shrunk about an inch in the last ten years.

3) I can sew just about anything without a pattern.

4) My weird sense of humour has helped me get through tough times.

5) I love the Maven 'cause she makes me laugh.

6) I love gardening even though I am very allergic to pollen.

7) I have known I was alcoholic since I was 17, but chose to drink anyway, 'cause I thought it would change.

8) I am afraid of the dark.

9) I am afraid of thunder storms, but have taught Devilteen to not be.

10) I don't like the 'gooey thing' that is in an egg.

11) I won't wear my glasses in public.

12) I am very shy, but hide behind my big mouth.

13) I imagine in my mind (even in the winter when the sun is shining) that I am on a beach in the Carribean .

14) I love to write poetry, but don't like to read it (other poetry I mean).

15) I have been engaged five times, but only married once.

16) I love the Maven 'cause she "gets" me.

17) I have two cats and a budgie.

18) I sleep on my tummy, wrapped up like a coccoon, even in the summer.

19) My kid (that would be Devilteen) is just as crazy as I am.

20) I have stickers with affirmations on them, all over my house.

Well, that is all I can think up for now, did I answer any burning questions y'all may have had about me? Now for YOUR assignment... indulge me if you will, and tell me something about you! Have fun, I'll be checking on you later...

Sunday, February 04, 2007


It seems that almost everywhere I have visited today, people have been making lists. Not one to be left out of the latest craze ( not by my choice anyway), I figure I will jump on the latest bandwagon and post a list of my own!! The only problem is I don't know what to make my list about. I have seen lists of gratitude, which I think is not only cool, but very important to all of us in recovery. I have seen lists of stuff about a person. One guy, I think dAAve, made a list containing various facts about himself, I think he based the number on how old he was. On another site I saw a kind of music 'list', (well it might not really have been a list, but kind of was, so I will include it in my examples, just deal OK). Anyway, she had asked questions about what kinds of music people associated with different activities, Mackey's post I think. On jobthingy's Blog the other day, she had posted a list of ten questions too. Stuff like "What is under your bed?", hmmm, interesting! On another site the Blogger had asked his reader to ask him questions, I guess he was having a slow Blog day!

Well as usual, my intentions were good. I like the idea of making lists, I do it in my everyday life. If I am going to the store, I will write a list of things I need to buy. On paydays, I will make a list of bills that need to be paid. At Christmas or birthdays, I often jot down ideas of gifts to get for people. So yeah, I am all about the list thing, but having sat down at my computer, I have drawn a blank. I just dunno what to list for you. I remember once when I was in treatment (for anorexia/bulimia), my shrink told me to make a list of ten things I liked about me!!! Well that was a lesson in futility, I was not having a great week at the time, and if he would have asked me to walk to China instead I gladly would have complied. A list of stuff about me???Not just any stuff, stuff I liked... cruel and unusual punishment I thought!

So yeah, I like the idea, but have no idea what to list, any suggestions? Keep it clean though, occasionally Devilteen honours me by actually reading my Blog! Yes I have proof, she has even commented a time or two! Well on that happy note, I think I'll sign off for the night. Don't grovel for me to stay, it is really not your finest moment! But hey, if I see any cool suggestions in my 'comments', I will surely be back...Good night all!

Saturday, February 03, 2007


HA HA HA ...Fooled ya! It's pretty much the same old stuff that I usually rant on about, but today I don't feel the dreaded sense of panic that has been all around me lately. All right , so maybe that is a little new. I actually have had a few pretty good days this week. I've been kind of busy, I've had some fun, I have been taking care of self (and it's felt good), hey that stuff is kind of different too...wait a minute... the title of my post was supposed to be a joke, you know, ha ha , funny, but it seems that my life has indeed been 'different' of late.

I am not one to just um, ACCEPT things no questions asked, so at the risk of messing up the whole karma thing... well it just wouldn't be right if I did not now wonder what the heck is going on here! I was fighting a cold earlier in the week and kind of felt icky, so I rested a lot and didn't beat myself up over it. I had a couple of appointments that I kind of wanted to blow off, but I attended them and was even on time! I have been reading my daily meditations everyday. I have become more consciously aware of what I am feeding myself and am trying to make healthier choices. I've made phone calls to friends. I payed bills and bought actual groceries before I did any fun stuff. HMMM...it seems as if when I take better care of myself, good things tend to happen... like I feel more relaxed and a little less critical of myself, and almost happy even. CRAP...I dunno if I can allow all this good stuff into my life, surely it won't last...

Devilteen has been with me since Wednesday as the high schools are writing exams this week. Tomorrow she is off to spend a day or two with her dad, so I will have the rest of the weekend to myself. The cool part is that I am not afraid of this nor am I dreading being alone on another weekend. I plan to go to a couple of AA meetings that I don't get to when DT is here all weekend. I'm really looking forward to that. On Thursday a friend took me out so that I could finally buy a printer for my computer, that means I no longer have an excuse to not do up my resume and get my butt out job hunting! It feels a little wierd though, I may actually be working again soon. Chances are that if I put out a few resumes, someone. somewhere might kind of be interested in hiring me. Yeah and if I get a job I will be out in the world and maybe meeting new people and maybe 'Having a Life'... WOW, me, lushgurl, with a life, now that IS something completely different!!!

Devilteen took some pictures of me today, normally I hate getting my picture taken 'cause I never like how I look in them. What do guys think? I've put a picture of me on my Blog. I think it turned out kind of neat, I like that it is kind of bluish , suits my normal frame of mind. I don't think that I look so horrible in it either, which is a nice surprise for me. I never thought I would put my face out there for all to see, but I think I'll keep it, it doesn't suck too badly!!! HMM... that is kind of different too come to think of it. I knew this would happen, a run of good days and then what, more good days, and let me guess for next week the forecast will be more good days? Oh well I guess I have to just suck it up and go with the flow. On that note though I think I'll go for now just in case the karma Gods realize I've had too many good days and decide to make up for lost time... Later friends!