Saturday, December 30, 2006


Yup, I've decided that laughing is better than crying, that is unless you have tears running down your face from laughing too hard! I've been reading Blogs of friends of friends and it does seem to me that laughing is the new crying! So analytical as I am, I must first decide if there are any benefits to this new phenomena...

THEY say that laughing is good for the health, there are actually studies out there that confirm this theory. No I don't have a link to them ( I'm not that far along the Blogger food chain yet!), but I have heard that laughing does indeed help to lower the blood pressure, I think it releases endorphins or something that do in fact promote good health thus helping us to live longer!

Another group of THEM suggests that the very act of smiling uses more muscles than frowning so if we walk around constantly smiling ( and we're not caught and thrown into the looney bin), then we will at the very least all have fit and firm faces... now if only I could get my ass to smile!

MY theory has always been that chocolate is better than sex, so I'm thinking if I could combine chocolate with alot of smiling and some sex thrown in for good measure, then it is quite possible that I could live forever ( I've been alive forever, I wrote the very first song, I put the words and the melo...sorry, I had a bit of a digression there!)

All of the studies out there suggest that WE do not smile enough. Imagine if everyone took time out each day to smile to someone. THEY say that smiling is contagious, so in theory if I smiled to you and you smiled to your neighbor and they smiled to their boss and their boss smiled to their kid and their kid smiled to their teacher and... Are ya gettin what I'm tryin to say here? Earth as we know it could potentially be changed forever! It's hard to be angry when you're smiling (unless of course it's the kind of smiling through gritted teeth, and I don't reccomend that kind of smiling). We could in theory, have a world free from anger and so it would also be free from hatred and in following this line of thought, free from wars. I think I may have just solved the problem of achieving world peace!!!

Imagine if you would a world where everyone loved everyone else? I admit in this day it is a little beyond the realm of possibility, however if each and everyone of us decided to smile our way through life, the ripple effect could be overwhelming. I have actually practiced this theory in my own life...When Debaby was born, I was constantly tired, feeling overwhelmed and of course alone. But whenever she would cry I would do my best to greet her with a smile. I wanted her to feel loved and happy no matter how I was feeling. I think it worked. Whenever I would go to get her first thing in the morning or after a nap, I would greet her with a big smile and an enthusiastic "Good morning!" That little face would light up in response, and more times than not, we would both proceed to have a great day!

So in closing, I challenge all of you out there to test this theory in your daily lives. Let's all make a committment to changing our own little corner of the planet by spreading joy, happiness and smiles wherever we go. ( I'll check back with you in about a week to see how the experiment went). My personal resolution IS to smile more, and this being the last day of 2006 I figured it is a good time to start something new! I may post more later, but for now I hope all of you ring in the new year with TONS of Happiness and free smiles for all! See all y'all in the new year!

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Another year of Christmas with all the trimmings has come and gone. Hard to believe, but now I feel kind of sad that it has passed so quickly! All in all it really was a great holiday, I made it through with the minimal requirement of stress. Just enough it seems to get me motivated and get the stuff done that I wanted to get done.

On the Saturday before Christmas Devilteen and I had a 'gurly night' with a very dear friend that with both love a lot. We stayed up late listening to music and wrapping presesnts, we had Timmy's coffee and lots of treats and a good time was had by all! Even the spawnling enjoyed the festivities, laughing(almost) and smiling ever so sweetly at Devilteen and his momma, falling asleep when I paid attention to him! Gotta love the little guy, he's already got quite a big personality, I just wish he would not listen so much to older brother Gutsy (a private joke which I will write about in the future!)

Yup I've enjoyed the very best of the season so far. I realize just how blessed my life is. As I mentioned on Friday I received my first prize, Saturday I was not disappointed either as I received three awesome DVD's to go along with Fridays' gift. On Sunday Devilteen and I wrapped up some more gift bags for other loved ones. We did some more baking and it was a very relaxing day. On Sunday night we ventured out into the world and hit the Alcothon, not arriving until almost 11:00 p.m.. You know, there were still lots of people and it was great. I got lots of hugs and did some socializing had lots of coffee and Devilteen didn't even complain about having to be there! Actually, I have to take time to send her a HUGE thank you, because as circumstances would have it I may not have gone without her prompting.

In true Lushgurl form I tend to put things off, often to the point where I haven't left myself time to do things or to where fear (sabotage) has talked me out of doing something all together. My child knows the momma all too well though and said at about 9:30 "come on Mom, you said you wanted to go so I'll help you get ready and we'll go!"she helped me decide what to wear ( that in itself could have caused a panic attack) , then she helped me fix my hair (I know I wasn't going to the prom but I May have bailed because my hair wasn't co-operating). Then Devilteen went on the computer to get the bus scheduale and out the door we went!

Gosh I think back to all the times I missed out on stuff that I thought I wanted to do because of the overwhelming panic that would consume me. Many occasions that I didn't take Debaby to the park or what not because the thought of facing 'The WORLD OUT THERE' was just too much for me to cope with. Yes here comes the dreaded G-word again... I felt many years of guilt for not doing all the things I should have when Debaby was little, to me the most amazing thing is, is that Devilteen does not seem to hold it against me ( at least not yet, maybe when she's "growed" with kids of her own and in therapy, it'll all come back to haunt me!) But for now Devilteen will lovingly laugh at all my fears and foibles and encourage me to get out of myself anyway. Come to think of it I have a friend like that too. Every time I come up with what I figure is a legitimate reason to not do something I should do (usually for my own good) she basically agrees with my insanity and then talks me into doing it anyway! Funny how He puts people in our lives like that, left to my own devices I might just stay in the house hibernating and proceed to wither and die for lack of human contact.

The Alcothon, for those of you who don't know, is a 24 hour thing every Christmas and New Year for those of us who need to get out and be with people. We are encouraged to donate food and different groups from around the area donate their time to put on meetings. It is a safe, loving place to go for anyone (alot of us haven't yet fixed our family situations) to go so that they won't be alone on the holidays. I have gone in the past, but this year was all about wanting to be there not needing to be there. We attended a meeting at midnight which was perfect. It was a closed discussion in which part of a story was read from "The Big Book". It was a story about this guy who was a compulsive J-walker. It told how he would feel the need to race out in front of streetcars and other motor vehicles. He got a rush out of it, the excitement of never knowing if he could do it succesfully or not. Well eventually this guy would take too many risks and inevitably would get hit. From the hospital he would realize just how crazy his obsession was and would vow to stop. Of course no sooner would he be released from the hospital, he would once again run out into the traffic, breaking an arm or a leg. It seemed he could not help himself. He knew ahead of time what the consequences of his actions would be, but time and again he would find himself out in the traffic, then in the hospital with broken bones. He would promise to never do it again, and would mean it every time, but sooner or later, he would do the same thing all over again.

Any of us who are in recovery will certainly be able to relate this story to many phases of our drinking days. You 'earthlings' out there may not relate so much. I know that in reading the story for the first time many years ago I could certainly identify that clearly this guy was insane. I mean why would ANYONE in their RIGHT minds continue to do the same thing over and over, with such disasterous results EVERY time? Today I TOTALLY GET IT!! I have had many periods of sobriety in my life, but sooner or later I would end up drinking again. The progression of my disease would ensure that things would never get any better, the consequences of my behavior would get more severe, but still I was helpless to stop the insanity. So I guess in a way when I have the opportunity to give a little back, I must, for my own recovery and also for the potential recovery of still suffering drunks. I am So grateful that I don't have to drink my way through the Christmas season, dreading the get togethers and avoiding my loved ones. Thank you for my sobriety today!

As I've mentioned before, I invited my mom to spend a day with Devilteen and me this year. I had planned to make our big dinner on Boxing day so that my mom would not have to chose between me and my sister on Christmas day. Well on the 25 th, my mom called to say there was a storm warning for the next day and that if there was too much snow, she would not be able to make it into Ottawa the next day. I was crushed. I had shared with people how excited I was that 'my mommy' was coming to MY house for Christmas. Devilteen was happy that for the first time ever Nana would share this special day with us at our place. I thought she was just looking for a way out. I was hurt and angry. But ya know what? I did something DIFFERENT this time, I opted to go ahead and have our turkey dinner on Christmas Day so that Devilteen and I would have it no matter what. I didn't set myself up for more hurt and rejection by waiting to see if my mom could make it. I took care of myself and my child first and it felt GOOD!

So I just have to make it through New Year's Eve now. I haven't yet decided what I am going to do but I know that it will be the right decision for ME! I also know that it will be o.k. no matter what because I am not drinking today. I of course. will dutifully post to tell you about it later . So just in case I don't post before next year I want to wish everyone all the best and I hope all your dreams come true. Until we meet again HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Saturday, December 23, 2006



I cannot believe how fast the year is coming to a close! I had a wonderful day yesterday, I did exactly what I wanted to do, which was to expose myself to the craziness of a maul right before Christmas! It wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated, heck, the bus ride getting there was almost more exciting. I am not an early-out-the-door kinda gurl, so by the time I left the house it was about 2:30. That gave me plenty of time to hit the maul, do some shopping and make it home before Devilteen arrived. Of course right to the minute planner that I am, I didn't take into account the fact that about a million high schools would be releasing their captives just as I was entering the bus! Oh and let's not forget that being the Friday before Christmas we also have an assorted variety of those working type folks (many of whom have been celebrating at the office), who got to leave early for the day. Also parents with babies in strollers, old people with walkers, and of course EVERY ONE OF THEM have to be on the same bus as I am!!!

I must say, my timing IS indeed impeccable, just as I got to the bus stop it started to rain. Thank goodness I made it, I may have melted being as sweet as I am, and that would have been a tragedy in the largest proportions, leaving all of my fans without my presence, all would have suffered! When the bus arrived it was already packed you know , filled to the gills. Standing room only was the motto of the trip! I was next to a teenager holding a rather large wood-working project (one of those stepping up things), directly behind me were three of the female variety, one of whom had two very large knapsacks and of course one of them was deeply imbedded in my lower back! Ever ask a female teenager to do something to help alleviate pain? just a little thing really, like please move your bag because it's right in my back? You can guess what the response was, an eye ball roll followed by a deep sigh and at long last freedom from excruciating pain!

We arrived at the maul in just under an hour, not bad for rush hour traffic and stopping to pick up more tired, sweaty and excited teenagers et al. It was just starting to freeze rain at this point, whew I avoided another near death experience! The maul was delightfully filled with many slow moving vehicles in the form of old people, frantic parents, teenagers and other last minute shoppers. Oh joy , oh bliss this was exactly what I needed to get me into the true spirit of the season! Just as promised though I did not become impatient or unfriendly, we all were there for the same reason, and we all know that what goes around comes around and who the heck wants to invite bad karma so close to the big fat guy coming to visit with lots of prizes for all the good boys and girls!

I lovingly stared at all the sale signs in all of the stores, even entered a few of them to look at all the stuff I could not buy for me. My destination was clear, a quick trip to the dollar store to attempt to fill a three foot stocking for Devilteen. Find something not too expensive for my two nieces and maybe pick up some food to feed myself and the child for the next week. Simple, brilliant plan carefully thought out to avoid complications , piece of cake , right? So what happens when an alcoholic tries to make plans? Ding, ding, ding you guessed it, Nothing goes the way it's supposed to! I had decided this year that I was not going to do the stocking thing, I am not working and money is a little tight, so I thought no biggie Devilteen is old enough to understand that occasiopnally we all must make small sacrifices for the good of the whole (right?) Well those big blue eyes looked at me sadly and said "No stocking? I guess that would be o.k.." Right on cue Mommy guilt kicks in, ensuring that the child would indeed have a stocking to open on Christmas eve, and who the heck did I think I was, trying to fuck with a fifteen year tradition in such a cold, calculating way?

I had also opted to go for the 'family gift' for my sister, her husband, and their two little girls. I thought some home sewn Christmas placemats and an assortment of homemade treats would be acceptable gifts. Of course the dreaded mommy guilt thing got me again, how could I expect a three and eight year olds to be happy with placemats and cookies? No, every kid deserves to have a present just for them to open and Auntie Lushgurl will not break the hearts of children. YAY I have found yet more ways to spend money that I don't have!!! The dollar store stocking stuffer idea was great in theory, but with the picked over items and too crowded store I found it just a tad overwhelming. It was really difficult to buy for my fifteen year old, I couldn't just get a lot of fake junk jewelry, a bunch of stickers, some coloring books and a candy cane or two. I wanted to give Devilteen small but useful items but let's face it, it's not that easy to fill a three foot stocking for a teenager with very little time and less money. I was slightly succesful in that mission though, results are yet to be determined. I managed to find a couple of Dora items for little niece and a couple of Barbie things for bigger niece, with a few non-nutritious goodies I hope they will not be disappointed!

I ran into a fellow drunk as I was paying for my last few items in Pharmaplus, and he offered me a ride home. So sweet, it had really begun to get bad outside, very slippery with even more traffic and it probably would have taken even longer for me to get home on the bus and I would have been cold, wet and stressed with no downtime before the arrival of Devilteen, not a good way to start the holidays. Thankfully my Higher Power saw fit to put this lush in my path and the trip home was relatively quick and pleasant. This guy has become a friend, we've shared a lot at meetings and he asked me to speak at his Home Group not too long ago. A really nice guy, good looking and kind, not gay, but of course married. True to form for my luck! When I got home, I got a phone call from another lush, another cool-good-looking-not-gay-nice-guy (a Priest in case you were wondering) who had concerns about me going to my meeting because it was so slippery out and he had fallen several times on his way home. I could have gone with that and stayed home but I knew I had been out in worse weather to get my bottles, so I decided to take my chances and hit a meeting anyway.

I'm glad I went , the speaker was interesting , the group was small and intimate, and I felt better after as I usually do. Oh and Tallgoodlookingguy was there so I asked for another drive home, he said yes he wouldn't have let Devilteen and I walk home anyway. He's going away for two weeks with Her (his wife!) so it was nice to wish him a Merry Christmas and stuff. Before we got out of the car though he said " there's a present back there with your name on it!" I couldn't believe it ! How sweet was that, although it did feel just a little weird, him being married and all, but who am I to turn down a Christmas Prize?!!! Little did I know, it was a DVD player! Holy cow, do I keep it, why did he do something so nice and where the heck did I put his phone number so I can call him up and give him shit (read thank him!) If this is any indication of how my Christmas is going this year I'LL TAKE IT ALL and enjoy it and tell (brag) to you about it later!

Well I must go now, I have some sewing and baking and wrapping and housework to do today. A good friend is coming over later with more wrapping to do, and another Christmas prize for me!!So have a great day y'all, I'll talk to ya later!

Thursday, December 21, 2006


Well it seems I am almost ready for Christmas...I've been baking my buns off for about a week and a half now. So far everything is turning out really well. Thanks to my mommy who is like the best baker ever! I remember helping her do stuff when I was little, and now I get to bake all the incredible yummy stuff using her recipes and some of my own, and I don't suck at it! Wow life is good today!

Speaking of today, my mom called this morning and we had a great conversation. I thanked her for teaching me how to bake and told her about all the stuff I've made, Devilteen even helped me with some of it, which is really cool (I think) because I can see her passing this on to her own daughter(s) someday far far away! I'm not quite sure what happened to the bah-humbug gurl who was here last week but I'm glad for the break, she's very tiring to be around you know, what with all the whining and complaining not to mention the too frequent pity-parties that I was required to attend,,, let's just say good riddance! I hope she goes to visit her other friends for the Holidays cause I'm doing quite well without her, thank you very much!

So is it just me or does anyone else suffer from Mommy-guilt at this time of year? It's not like my child has NOTHING to open on Christmas morning, I just was not able to 'spoil' her in the outrageous fashion this year that I have done in the past. In talking to a frined I realized that I did o.k in the gift department, Devilteen will not suffer because I did not wrap up the moon and stars for her, and she never was a selfish child, it's MY problem that I feel this guilt, not because I haven't given enough. I even bought a gift for my mom who will be spending her first Christmas ever at my house! I am so excited that I get to cook for her and she hasn't changed her mind and, yeah, life is good today!

Tomorrow I may adventure out into a maul to pick up a few little stocking stuffers you know the last minute stuff. I feel like I've been missing out because I have not yet subjected myself to the craziness of too many people trying to get too much stuff with too little time, money and patience. It just seems like a good old Christmas tradition that one must not go without, like having a turkey without the stuffing or half-caf-soy-not-sweet latte without the whip! It's just wrong I tell ya, everyone must suffer the horrors of shopping in a crowded maul at leasr once during the Christmas season. At the very least I will be VERY grateful that I am not one of those people who has left her shopping til the last minute and it will further prove to me that I am less insane than the masses! Okay, maybe not the masses but some!!! I'll be sure to post on my adventure to let y'all know how it went. If ya don't see me, it's because I didn't actually survive said excursion!

I don't really have too much to say right now so this will be a short but sweet posting today (something like the author), I shall bid one and all good night for now, don't forget to tune in next time when "Lushgurl tries the same old thing expecting different results"! Peace out Y'all!

Thursday, December 14, 2006


HAPPY CHRISMAKKAH to one and all... I can't believe that there are only 11 more sleeps until Christmas. I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm watching the O.C. while I am writing and they are in a "parallel universe". I think I am also having one of those days! Lately I've been going back and forth between today and yesterday(s). Like one minute I am feet firmly planted in today and the next I find myself reminiscing on days gone by, has that ever happened to you? I think I know what's going on though, so please indulge me while I launch into yet another edition of "Self-Diagnosis for Dummies!"

So at long last I have achieved what millions before me have done...I finally got my six months sobriety chip...YAY ME, I ROCK!!! But alas self-sabotage guru as I am, I have been feeling pretty crappy recently. Last year this would have been a perfect time for a drink. I haven't yet found a job (could it be that I've only put out TWO applications in the past month?), last year that would have been a good reason for a drink. Bailey's has come out with two new flavors, last year I would have drank to that.Um, oh yeah, Devilteen and I have been having (little) arguments the last few weekends, this too would have been a good excuse to drink last year...But it's NOT LAST YEAR it's TODAY and today I am clean and sober and today my life has good days and bad days and today I think I'm grieving the loss of a best friend.

I was at a meeting last night and lots of people were sharing about drinking, it must be the time of year. One woman had just recently got her six months but she drank on Saturday. One guy who has over twenty years in was on a date with a woman who 'only ever had two glasses of wine' she told him after three glasses and then asked him to open another bottle for her. Then someone who has become a good friend shared that last year at this time he had just got his six months, and was feeling really sad, he realized that he was grieving. All of a sudden I saw a light and heard Angels singing and GOT IT!!! Booze was my best (dare I say only) friend this time last year. No wonder I've been feeling so crappy lately.

All you earthlings out there will probably not get this at all, but I must pay homage to one who was there for me through thick and thin (weight-wise!), someone who saw me with no make-up on, with fresh make-up on, with smeared make-up on, and never judged me. Here's to a friend who was there through all the tears when I was told I was not going to be allowed to see Devilteen at Christmastime because she was caught with a bag of weed that she stole from ME. Yup my old friend and I had some very interesting times together... like the time I fell up or down the stairs and awoke with a black eye, a totally scratched up arm, a huge bruise on my thigh and a twisted ankle, I don't remember what happened I was in yet another blackout, but my good friend alcohol was there and is not saying a word. Alcohol has helped me cope with the pain of a broken heart, the rejection of my mother, the over-whelming depression that has plagued me through most of my life, and has never told my secrets. Alcohol has been there to help celebrate the good times and help erase the memory of the bad times. Today I cope with all these things without my friend and I know this is the best chouice for me, but still, I must grieve the loss and let go so that I can get on with my new, healthier life. So my friend alcohol, I bid you farewell, thanks for being there when noone else was, I may always miss you, but rest in peace, for my life is far better without you.

Okay, I feel better now. Today I don't have to cope alone. Just yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone who had a sick baby in her arms, I could hear the wailing of a tantrum-ing four year old in the background, and she lovingly told me to leave my pity-party and get me ass to a meeting! I did as I was told, and (will wonders never cease) I actually do feel better! I have now survived a weekend that Devilteen cut short because sometimes hangin' wit da gurls is more exciting than going to visit mom. I have baked up a storm of treats to give as gifts for Christmas. I have caught up on my laundry and dishes. And I REMEMBER the whole weekend...I am not hungover and full of self-loathing and remorse, I am not afraid to face the world lest they see my dirty little secrets, I AM FREE! Thanks for listening!