Friday, December 07, 2007


Inmatezwife got me----Here are the rules, word for word from her blog...

  • Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
  • Post these rules on your blog.
  • List seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery.
  • Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs
  • Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog

Lets play now, whadda you say.................... Oh all right, maybe if I focus on something else besides "poor me", I'll actually feel better!

1. I have learned that I am not different, unique or the 'only one who thought this way! I am, however, still special!

2. The more I think I know, the more I realize how much I actually still have to learn .

3. As crazy as I thought I was when I was still using, I have come to believe that I could only get crazier if I chose to use again.

4. In my old and very materialistic world I thought the one who died with the most stuff I know that the one who dies with the most stuff is just dead when they die.

5. My search to be happy by looking outside myself has brought me to looking within where my spirituality is- and THAT makes me happy.

6. I always thought I was born bad, I am bad now and I'll always be bad. I know now that I was born pure and good, I did some bad things and I'm not so bad after all.

7. I may grumble and groan and throw pity parties for me, myself and I, but it is so much better to laugh and play with friends.

So here are the friends I am inviting to come and play with me , and no, I am not putting the links here, because they are all in my side bar, and besides, I don't know how to put the link thingies in my post the way some of y'all do!..

1. Sharon- from Fellow Traveler 2. Judith- from Vicarious Rising 3. Lounge Daddy- from Lounge Daddy Chronicles 4. Shannon - from Todaay 5. Pam -from Sobriety is Exhausting 6. dAAve -from Higher Powered and last, but not least, 7. Scott W. -from Attitude of Gratitude.

So that is it for today folks! I haven't been feeling that great lately, ya know, stuck in myself, but I am glad that I checked in, amazing how that works sometimes!

Saturday, November 24, 2007


Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

Sunday, November 18, 2007


Fly Swat

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • to have some choices to make
  • to be clean and sober despite my own will
  • that I really do know the next right thing to do
  • that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
  • that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
  • that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
  • to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
  • I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
  • some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
  • I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

It's All Good

Monday, November 05, 2007


Hmmmmph!!! I have been sick the last couple of weeks, feelin' better now, but let me tell you, in Lushgurls' world when it rains, it POURS ! So let me catch you all up, and at the risk of bein' a lyin' little lyin' liar, I dare say, I will then be by to begin stalking to y'all....

.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!

It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!

So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!

Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...

This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.

And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME

Leaf Pile

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


'Kay you all, I have so much to share and as usual no time to do it! Do you realize that it takes me about an hour to type, check and publish each and every post? LOL- I never claimed to be a whiz on the compy after all!!!

So, deli dude ended up taking an undisclosed amout of time off from the Deli. Boss man brought in a few other people to cover the loss of one employee, I work with one of the newbies directly, the others work the evening shift mainly in the store so I don't know them that well. If ya haven't guessed yet, I have been sooooo busy, I haven't even posted or visited anyone. Gawd. I so miss all of you, it's just at the best of times I have a tough time typing, and with all of my extra hours and responsibilities, my hands have been pretty swollen and useless by the time I actually make it home at night!

The good news/bad news is that I may be back to haunt you all sooner than I had originally thought! I don't yet know for sure, but I may be unemployed again! Check in for " Part Two ", as I have more info to fill in... for now I will leave with a gratitude list followed by a couple of pics of my not-so-pretty hands wearing a couple of rings that have a story to go with them...

Today I am grateful for the following...

  • I have my relapse prevention group tonight
  • I actually had a BIG craving to drink today, but chose NOT TO

  • My daughter and I are having issues, but not killing each other today!

  • to be healthy, happy and sober

  • to have people in my life who love me unconditionally

  • to be able to check in today and let all y'all know I am still alive and kickin'

  • to be alive and kickin'
    Um, I know the pic is hard to see, but the ring on the left is one with my late fathers' birthstone in it- a topaz. A friend of AAngels found it and when I heard what it looked like I bought it from him for $20. On Thanksgiving (2nd Monday in October for us Canucks) I showed my mom, and told her that it made me feel like dad was still with me to have the ring on, so she gave me one with her birthstone (an emerald). Both of the rings have diamonds around the centre stone and are really pretty- it is like my own tribute to my mom and dad....

Sunday, September 23, 2007


Well, I have had a week ! It is always a good thing to actually be here to have a week, that being said though, I often wonder if I am in some way creating chaos in my own life. It seems that I go from famine to feast, from utter despair to infinite joy, from poverty to wealth (LOL). That is why I renamed my blog to ...Life as Lushgurl...

I am still enjoying my job. It is a very fast paced Deli, we must get over a hundred customers between 11:00 and 2:00. and there are two of us working in the Deli part, and over the last three weeks, we have found a way to be an incredible team. My co-worker, I'll call him Deli-dude, has been there for over four years now, for most of the four years he has done the job alone. He is quite young, at only 24 , but he has a strong dedication to the satisfaction of his customers. Deli-dude has a work ethic much like my own, he always puts the customers needs first, he is all about making the best sandwich in the least amount of time. He is not so big on the appearance of the Deli though, as we are often so busy that things get dropped on the floor, or we need to have something filled, and that is where I have found my niche. And then there is the boss/owner of the place...

The Deli is actually a part of a somewhat large corner store. The owner has been there for probably 20 years or so, and has become known in these here parts as THEE place to go for delicious food, served quickly. I think this man is some form of genious. Many corner stores offer a variety of over-priced items that one might run out of and not want to travel to a larger grocery store to get. But owner-guy tapped into the need for more in his quest for a successful life in Canada. At first glance, it may seem to be a Deli like any other, but you soon come to realize that this is no ordinary eatery. We must have about 20 different types of Deli meats, all sliced to order as a sanwich or a take home item. We also serve a variety of fresh, home made salads, muffins and desserts. What he is known for, is his chicken, bacon and avocado sandwich, topped with his own mixture of mustard/mayo and black pepper sauce. Every morning Deli-dude and I make up about 50 different sanwiches ahead of time for super quick grab-and-go access. These pre-mades always sell out within an hour, plus we have many regular patrons coming in for their own selections, and lots of new faces every day!

On Friday, Deli-dude did not come in to work. He starts an hour before I do, so by the time I arrive, all of the days' meats have been cut, the veggies for the sanwiches have been prepared, and he has begun to assemble the pre-mades. When I get there, I take care of making sure that the preparation area is clean and fully stocked. I make up a huge batch of sauce, sweep the floor, put random stuff away and make up a fresh batch of tuna salad. We work side by side preparing the pre-made sanwiches, the boss cuts our bread ( he primarily uses egg bread that we get fresh from the bakery in un-sliced loaves) and he serves the customers at the cash. The three of us run a pretty good thing all working together but separately, so when Deli-dude took an un-schedualed day off, the whole system was thrown out of whack. When I arrived at 10:00, none of the prep-work was done. We didn't have enough sauce made up to get the pre-mades ready, there had been no meats or bread cut for the daily customer orders and the Deli was a MESSS! Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about taking orders from the boss, however, Deli-dude and I have established a system that is quick, efficient and geared to the pleasure of our patrons...

I suppose Boss man has made his millions (?) by being money conscious, along with his special sandwich which is not sold anywhere else in the city of Ottawa... but I am a Deli-gurl at heart, and I know from experience that a little extra goes a long way in keeping the regulars happy as well as bringing in new customers and having them come back with their friends and families... Deli-dude, as I mentioned, has much the same work ethic as I, and Boss man worries about the bottom line, keepin costs down and profits up, and Deli-dude was not there on Friday! So I am doing my best to do all of the things that should have been done by the time I arrive, plus my own tasks, plus serving assorted customers as they arrive, plus make the pre-mades, and boss man is doing his best to serve people at the cash, cut the bread and critisize me for putting too much meat on the sandwiches, removing avocado and telling me in which order the sandwiches should be assembled! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH...

I am so thankful that I got to meet with my sponsor first thing on Saturday morning. She reminded me that I am not the boss of anything!!! Oh, and did I happen to mention that my 16 year old came home very drunk on Friday night??? This weekend I have been praying to let go of my need for control, the will to do His work better, and patience with those I must concede to! I wonder what today's Daily Reflection has to say ...

He {Bill W} said to me, gently and simply, "Do you think that you are one of us?"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 413- Third Edition

During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused. I never realized that the dark counter-balance of my attitude was the constant feeling that I did not "belong". At first, in AA, I identified with others only as an alcoholic. What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody's.

So there you have it! I am planning to do the best I can today. I also want to say that I have visited only about a dozen of you from my friends links so far today, and I have more than forty!!! Who the heck PUT that many people there... Anyway, if I have not dropped by lately, I will do my best to get there within the next few days.... Love you all, and plan a great day!


If you haven't yet. please take a moment to sign my guestbook, just click on sign my guestbook, view all guests or slide to sign....thank you!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

  • for this gift of sobriety
  • to have found a job I love
  • that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
  • for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
  • to have everything I need and enough to share too
  • I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
  • to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


Blow Kiss Perfecto
I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...
  • workin' hard
  • still clean and sober
  • happy
  • grateful for the day
  • miss you guys, will come by soon
  • wish you all a great day
  • gotta go, running late!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Yup, have a seat if yer not sittin' already! Me, Lushgurl, actually found a job. Well, I can't take all of the credit really, I was speaking to my sponsor the other day and kind of stressing over the financial situation that I am in. OK, I was not so much speaking as I was ranting! But the point is, that my sponsor, in all of her sponsorly wisdom told me to keep it in today. Sound familiar to anyone? Our dear friend Pam always says it too! So she told me to pray for some money, that miracles do happen, and maybe I'd find a cheque in the mail or something LOL. And I took her advice, but I asked God to just let me know that I'd be ok. I don't believe I should be askin' for money because I don't know if that is God's Will for me, but I know that He does provide or He'll send me a sign of what to do...

On Saturday AAngel and I had gone out, stopping for bus tickets at a corner store near our house, I noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window. I spoke to the gurl who was working and she suggested I bring in my resume and give it to the owner, which I did on Sunday. I was telling him a little about my work experience at the Deli, how I ran it by all by self for about six weeks, and he said he would call me in a couple of days, and that maybe I could start training on Thursday. As we were leaving AAngel gives me a big hug and says "Mommy I am so happy for you, you got the job!" Now me, being who I am, did not see it that way, I thought he said he'd call me to let me know, and then I would start on Thursday. He didn't even look at my resume that I had been working on since last March- the NERVE of him!

Monday night I got a phone call asking if I could come in Tuesday from 10:00 until 2:00!!! I worked yesterday and when I was leaving, my new boss gave me my hours for the week. It is called "Sherwood Deli and Meat Market". I loved my first day, I feel in my element there. The guy who was training me was quite impressed that I caught on so fast, he said he liked that I didn't stand around waiting to be told what to do. I think we make a good team. Ever cool huh? In the good vibes of the day, I continue with this reading from As Bill Sees It- opened randomly:

AA is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die.


Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of AA continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill the immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands.

Have the best day EVER, and I'll stalk to ya soon!

Sunday, September 02, 2007


So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


This is a picture of me trying to help MY JAYS get to the pennant race! No, I never give up on My Boys! To see more crazy goings on go here :

I have been tagged by Inmatez Wife. I am supposed to list eight random things about me, reading some other lists was lots of fun, some people are real freaks ya know! Whew, I thought I was the only one!!!

8 random things about me:
1. I was 19 before I had my first real boyfriend (don't ask!)
2. I have been on tv three different times for two different reasons
3. Ever since I was little I have made up languages, Aangel and I do it today!
4. I am a natural redhead but dyed my hair blonde until I had a beautiful baby gurl with red hair
5. I have three piercings in each ear, and a nose ring
6. I believe that maybe I was a cat in another life because my fingernails are curved like claws
7. Beards on men really gross me out- ICKY POO- unless they're very short and neat
8. I have to flip my pillow over so my face is on a cool spot or I can't sleep

So there ya have it folks, hope you enjoyed today's edition of "What makes Lushgurl a Freak?" I am supposed to tag three people to do this one so I choose Syd, Scott (Sober Nuggets) and Sober Chick! Yup they all start with the letter 'S' , I guess that is another weird thing about me- I like to keep things simple- get it?!!! This post is short and sweet (like me) today as I have recently discovered a new computer game that I definitely am not addicted to... I'll be by tomorrow to stalk to you all.
Had to come back because one of my 'tag-ees' turned me down -WAAAH- anyway, in keeping with the 'S' theme, I am tagging Shadow and Sober Steve!

Sunday, August 26, 2007


This is my first post as a forty-six year young, I might be whinin' now, but I'm bound to get past it sooner or later! I was so busy complaining that I didn't get a b day card from my mom that I totally forgot about my little squirrel (see above). Yup, my mommy knows how much I love garden prizes, and she got me this little squirrel for my garden. When I start cleaning up my garden for the winter I will post all of the little buddies I have keeping my flowers company! If ya didn't think I was 'nuts' before, just wait until you see my garden babies!! So to alleviate just a little of the insanity that I call my life, here is today's Daily Reflection...

Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves to others. Alcoholcs Anonymous pg 159

These words for me, refer to a tranference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what was so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve.

I'm not sure if I want to share this now, but just last week I was faced with the dilemma of giving it away freely for myself and the new(er)comers versus resentments over the not-so-newcomers not being there for me. I know that I have absolutely no control over what other people do in their lives and it brought up some feelings when I attended my home group where only three members (myself included) showed up to run the meeting. There were two new comers there, and I know that it only takes two of us to run a meeting. My only problem was that the person who was schedualed to chair the meeting- and find the speaker- did not show up! It turned out ok though, as the Maven and I ran the meeting and made it an open discussion, which is all good. I was left with wondering though, what would happen if nobody showed up? Where would the still suffering alcoholics go to get what we got, so freely given? I know for me, when I recite the responsibility pledge, I take it seriously :

When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I am responsible.

So now I'll go to what I am grateful for today...

  • that the hand of AA was there for me when I reached out for help
  • that I am 46 and clean and sober
  • it only takes two alcoholics to share their experience strength and hope, for it to be a meeting
  • me and AAngel were invited out to dinner last night, with friends. Food always tastes better when eaten with love and laughter
  • my new squirrel to put in my garden
  • for all of you who share your experience, strength and hope with me and others...


Wednesday, August 22, 2007


My belly button birthday is coming up. Yesterday AAngel and I went to my mom's/ sister's place to celebrate my nieces' birthday, and mine too. I told my mom I really didn't want any fuss made over me, so we had a great BBQ dinner, and a cake made for little niece, and me. The visit was really cool. My mom lives with my sister and her family in a huge house in the country (sort of). Every time we go to visit there have been more improvements made, this time being the addition of a pool, it is an above ground pool to which they are adding a deck. The pool is lovely, big and oval shaped, and it is only five feet deep, so it is perfect for swimming in. The three gurls (AAngel, little niece and big niece, swam for about an hour, it was lots of fun watching them play together. After dinner and cake, gifts were brought out for little niece who just turned 4 and for AAngel (belated 16th from my sis), but nothing for me! Big baby that I am, I was hurt that I didn't receive any gifties or even a card from my mom!... maybe she'll mail me a birthday card...

So to help me to focus on what is important today, here is today's Daily Reflection...

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependance upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 116

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real "people addict" ; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work AA's Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

Yeah, OK, I get it sheeesh!!! It never ceases to amaze me how these readings, more times than not, address issues that I just happen to be dealing with at the time! Coincidence?- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT! Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • to be able to experience the joy (?) of another birthday
  • to have spent time with my loved ones
  • that I am happy for the life my mom and sister share
  • I can choose to stay stuck in the 'poor-mes', or not
  • tonight I get to go to my after care group, and an AA meeting
  • AAngel and I are truly blessed with love for each other
  • we have everything we need today, and then some
  • after numerous attempts this AM, I was finally able to access my bloggy!
  • all of you who share my experiences, fears and other craziness, and keep coming back
  • my fears are not nearly as bad as they used to be
  • turning 46 is not so bad after all!

I'll be stalking to y'all soon...

Sunday, August 19, 2007


Happy Sunday to one and all. What better way to start our day than to read today's Daily Reflection...

Referring to our list {inventory} again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action for the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

Today I realize how I have come to not only know the right thing to do in most situations, but it actually feels better to actually do it! Flash back to about this time last year... my next door neighbor, to whom I had become quite close, was moving. It was bittersweet for me in that for about three years we were pretty good friends. I had also used her as an excuse to relapse, in that she was a social drinker, you know, one of those people who could go out for an evening and at the end of the night still have half a drink left over! The worst part for me was knowing of the eleventh commandment, which I was sure said "Thou shalt not waste alcohol!" But I digress.

The thing is, over the years we had shared lots of stuff , including my garden, do any of you know how psycho I am for my garden? LOL The thing is, I had once again become clean and sober, and my friend who near the end had become quite judgemental about this 'cokehead' as she would refer to me. Our frienship had ended about the time I came back to recovery. So in my righteous indignation about her shunning of me, after all the things I had done for her, including sharing my precious garden, I decided to 'take back my life', in the form of some of the many plants I had given her! Can you see where this is going? No? Well let me tell you!

This woman absolutely ignored me, and it hurt, but it was easier for me to get angry than to cry over losing a friend. So one day, I had decided to take back my garden, one plant at a time. I waited for a day when I was sure that neighbor gurl was not home, I was out watering my garden and I was getting angrier and angrier that she had some Asians that I had shared with her, mine never bloomed, but hers did in all their Asian glory! So I went to her yard and plucked one up, root and all, quite pleased that I would get my little flower back, and just when I was re-entering my yard, she saw me! CRAP- busted!!! And to make matters worse, because I didn't think she was home, when she screamed "Just what the HELL do you think YOU are doing?", I nearly jumped out of my skin!!!

Long story shorter...I knew at the time, that what I was doing was wrong. I had shared my garden out of love, it really did make me happy to give her some of what I had. But my hurt feelings and resentment at her grew when I found she was moving, without crying to say goodbye to me, and my anger caused me to retaliate. I think of this gurl often, wonder how she is doing, and try to remember the fun we once had. I know that I definately owe her an apology, for my behaviour. I am reminded of a saying that one of AAngels' grade school teachers had : "It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong!" Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Thursday, August 16, 2007


TodAAy I am just lookin' to see everything I can, if you want to see more, go here ... , care to join me "seeing" what our HP wants for us todAAy? Here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Some of us, though tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

Twelve Steps and Twelve and Twelve Traditions pg.79

This step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper and the friends that I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable when I feel clean and light.

I can't even count the number of times I said that the only person I was hurting was me. In typical self centered form, I truly believed my own lies, it was easier at the time to hang onto resentments that allowed me to basically say "F*** them all anyways, my anger being the excuse to drink, and my justification for thinking that I wasn't hurting anyone! In the reading it mentions hurting our parents, and today I know I did that. I remember one time in particular after I had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way street. Thankfully, I had drank only one drink that night. Thankfully I sustained only an open head concussion that needed only eleven stitches. Unfortunately, my practically brand new Mustang was written off, with a year and a half of payments left on it. Upon leaving the hospital I had to stay with my parents because of the concussion. My mom cried when I got there saying "You could have been killed". My dad said I shouldn't have been driving that night due to the freezing rain. And all I could think of was poor me, I had lost my car! Insanity- yup! Did I drink and drive after that? You bet I did!

Today I am thankful/grateful for the following...

  • to wake up clean and sober and have the choice to remain so
  • I don't intentially hurt anyone
  • if I do hurt some one, I can immediately make amends
  • the love of my family and friends is something I cherish today
  • to have everything I need today, and enough to share too
  • the antics of my baby kitten as he explores and learns and grows
  • every single day AAngel and I hug multiple times, and say we love each other
  • I am not afraid to face my CAS worker when he shows up at our home for a visit (soon)
  • I am a part of a very supportive and loving community of AA here, and in my 'real' life
  • for you and you and your moms and dads who made you!

See ya soon...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

  • to be clean and sober
  • to not have as much insanity in my life
  • the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
  • laughter
  • I have everything I need today, and then some
  • my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
  • I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
  • my garden is still blooming
  • having my AAngel/devilteen home
  • my HP loves me no matter what
  • my HP forgives my mistakes
  • for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here

Sunday, August 12, 2007


dAAve stole this from Pam who did this meme a couple of days ago ; I stole it from dAAve because he stole it from Pam before I got a chance to! I liked their answers and thought I'd give it a try too.

3 word survey: You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone? in my purse
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? in my dreams
3. Your hair? way too long
4. Where is your father? with God, maybe
5. Cheesecake? yes please, cherry!
6. Your favorite thing to do? anything in garden
7. Your dream last night? not in colour
8. Your favorite drink? coffee or water
9. Car You Want? classic Mustang convertible
10. The room you're in? the living room
11. George Bush?: not so bright
12. Your fears?: yup, have lots!
13. Nipple rings?: nope, nose though
14. Who will/did you hang out with tonight?: cats, budgie, AAngel
15. Go check and give your opinion?: um, yeah ,OK!
16. One of your wish list items?: my own home
17. Where did you grow up?: me, grow up???
18. The last thing you did?: cleaned my house
19. What are you wearing?: I'll never tell!
20. Tagging ?: whoever wants to...

I know I've been very lazy lately, not posting or visiting much, I just haven't been very energetic lately! Just know that I am still here, still sober, and still lovin' all of YOU...

Thursday, August 09, 2007


It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

...HERE I AM !!!


I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

  • to know that God loves me unconditionally
  • for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
  • to feel healthy today
  • AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
  • I have everything I need, and then some
  • to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
  • Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
  • for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
  • all of YOU !!!!

Sleeping Kitty On Monitor

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Todays raeding from 24 Hours a Day is a continuance from Sunday, yes I missed Monday, but I am striving for progress, not perfection!!!

That leaves only one day- today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives us mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow might bring. Let us therefore do our best to live but one day at a time.

Am I living one day at a time?

I met with my sponsor on Sunday afternoon, and she thinks that I need to be working on a 4th step. I agree with her 100%, in theory. I think doing a 4th step is an excellent way to put things in proper perspective- for you. I have done several 4th and 5th steps before, and I know the results of sharing in the 5th is a new freedom and a relief to find that I am not all bad after all. And yet.... I love my new sponsor, about a week ago she suggested that I call her everyday, and I made the committment to me to do just that. What happened was, I didn't even call her once. So on Sunday she called me and asked me how she could sponsor me if I didn't call. For a moment I was filled with panic that she was going to fire me. But she didn't. I thought that maybe she was angry and might even yell at me, but she didn't do that either. I told her very sincerely that I thought I was afraid of her (all 4ft 10) because she seemed to accept me and like me and she didn't show anger and yell and, and , and... Then, the nerve of her, she said that if I want to stay sober, I need to change- my behaviours, my thoughts, my actions! Aw crap, she called me on my sh*t, no more really good excuses are gonna work with this woman, I'm gonna hafta change!

Last night I went to a meeting that I attended on a regular basis last summer, at my sponsors' suggestion. Am I ever glad I went. There was a twenty three, a fifteen, and a one year anniversary. The speaker was a relative new comer like me, but his message was powerful and honest, and he spoke alot about change. For me it was an eye opener in that this used to be a regular stop in my week, and I remembered attending the anniversary of two of the people this time last year. The third person I remember just coming to the program, he was so shaky and unsure and now? He is grateful and sober still, and even happy, I can see how much he has changed, what a miracle this program is!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

  • to be able to see the changes in other people
  • that I was lucky enough to witness the miracle of so many sober years
  • that my sponsor will not let me stay the same
  • none of my bones are broken
  • I have my sight
  • I am able to hear (when I choose to listen)
  • both AAngel and I survived to see her turn 16
  • yesterday AAngel and I became new mommies- to a kitten, his name is Cinnamon
  • I woke up clean and sober today
  • today is the last day that I will have to wake up alone because AAngel comes back home tomorrow
  • for all of YOU- your support, your love, your comments
  • today I believe there is a power greater than me!

Have the best day possible today!

Sunday, July 29, 2007


Well my AAngel is now sixteen. We actually had a very good day on her birthday, our dinner with my mon and my aunt was lovely. AAngel had received quite a bit of money for her birthday and we even had time for a little shopping too! It was fun and once again I was reminded of how different she and I really are. I like most of the clothes she wears and buys, she likes very few of the clothes that I suggest to her and I no longer attempt to buy clothes for her. She has self confidence in her appearance, no body image problems and doesn't care so much what other people think about her, I have major issues with body image, am very self-conscience, and even if I won a beauty contest *LOL* I would believe the people who voted against me!

We had decided to invite a few of her friends over on Saturday afternoon. I told AAngel that it wouldn't really be a party, but she could have some friends over for fajitas and birthday cake. I had bought enough food to feed about 8 to 10 people. I had baked a three layer Devil's food cake. We bought two big bottles of pop and I had asked some neighbors to blow up 16 balloons to decorate the yard with....and nobody showed up! Not one person. So I had to comfort AAngel. as she was obviously hurt and disappointed. But then I had to deal with my own feelings around seeing my daughter hurting and doing all of the work and planning and having no one show up or even call to say they wouldn't be coming. Sometimes life just sucks!

Today I am choosing to have a better day. I sat out in the sun in my garden for an hour. I read my meditation books, and I spoke to my sponsor on the phone. I chose to post about my feelings instead of keeping them all to self where they could fester and grow into anger and resentments. I will meet with my sponsor later today and allow her to give me some unconditional loving. I think that at almost 14 months of sobriety I need to be ever vigilant of my disease and how it still wants for me to stay sick instead of continuing to grow and change and stay well. Here is a reading from 24 Hours a Day...

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from from fear and apprehension. One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone beyond recall. Do I still worry about yesterday?

Prayer for the day
I pray that I may face every situation without fear. I pray that nothing will prove too hard for me to bear.

...and I also pray for the same for all of you today.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

hAAppy hAAlf nAAked birthdAAy!

Today my AAngel is sweet 16, the tee-shirt was given to her by the gurls in the group home, they all signed it, so it will be a great keepsake of her friends! The third picture is of AAngel taking time to smell the flowers. This particular asian lily had its' very first bloom today, ever neat huh?

To see some more hAAlf nAAked fun, visit my friends here...
I'll be by to stalk to you guys later, we are going shopping and then out for dinner with my mom and one of her sisters who is visiting from Nova Scotia!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I cannot believe that this week my little AAngel will be sixteen! I honestly don't know where the time has gone! I often look at pictures of her when she was a baby, and really, she pretty much looks the same, only bigger. I so loved being pregnant, and I was sober at the time, so I remember very well all of the changes going on within my body. For me it was a feeling of true joy and wonder, to actually know that there was a life growing inside me. I remember the first ultra sound, and seeing the little heartbeat, and crying tears of joy and gratitude that for whatever reason God had chosen me to be the mother of this little miracle. It really was a spiritual journey. Even now, when I see a pregnant woman , I feel overcome by the emotions. I also think often of how AAngel looked when she was born, clearly this child had been on this earth before! She came out looking perfect (due to a c-sec), but it was more than that. She had the look on her face as if she recognized stuff, a knowing and very wise look. You know how some babies come out screaming with their hair standing up on end, angry to see the lights and hear the sounds of life? It's like they're saying "I wanna go back in, I don't like it here!". There was none of that with AAngel, her perfect little face surveyed her new surroundings, and her cry was low but demanding, like she just knew everything would be OK, and all of her desires would be met. Without any reservations or hesitation, I can honestly say that the day she was born is, and forever will be, the very best day of my entire life. So this post is dedicated to my beautiful AAngel...

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, on this day sixteen years ago, my AAngel was preparing to be born- yes, I was in labour for 30 hours before she finally decided to make her appearance!...

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 20

Self-centeredness was my problem. All my life people had been doing things for me and I not only expected it, but I was ungrateful and resentful they didn't do more. Why should I help others, when they were supposed to help me? If others had troubles, didn't they deserve them? I was filled with self-pity, anger and resentment. Then I learned that by helping others, with no thought of return, I could overcome this obsession with selfishness, and if I understood humility, I would know peace and serenity. No longer do I need to drink.

Today I am eternally grateful and thankful for the following...

  • that AAngel chose me to be her mother
  • to be able to embrace motherhood, even with all of the trials and tribulations
  • that being a mom has taught me so much about my mother
  • that being a mom has taught me so much about me
  • that all in all, I truly love the person that my daughter is becoming
  • I am sober and fully present in my daughter's life today
  • God has given me everything I need today, and then some
  • for the opportunity to help my AAngel be the best she can be at whatever she chooses
  • for each one of you
  • today is our friend MC's 23rd AA birthday- drop by and give her some lovin' huh!

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Well a Happy hAAlf nAAked ThursdAAy to all of you, and a very special Happy Belly Button Day to our friend Scout.... Happy Birthday gurl friend I love ya lots!!! Today's HNT pics are to help me decide where to get my tattoo of Eeyore. As some of you may know, I am his biggest fan, I can relate to his waiting for the next bad thing to happen, his wonderful melacholy and the way he constantly loses his tail! If you want to witness some more outrageous hAAlf nAAked fun click here...

I have had a busy couple of days, AAngel and I went to court this morning for what we thought would be a final court appearance. Since all parties were consenting to the terms, AAngel could have come home to stay today. My lawyer was not there, neither was AAngels' lawyer, but the Judge was prepared to rule anyways. As much as she wants to come home, and I want for AAngel to come home, neither one of us was prepared for this to happen today! She has over two years worth of stuff at the group home. Also, in these last two years AAngel has come to know and love many of the homes' staff. Obviously it will be a bitter-sweet move for her to come back home. so many emotions to deal with, goodbyes to be said, thanks to be given... We asked the Judge to not rule on her homecoming until August 1st, so officially, that will be the day that my baby comes home for good. I am very happy to know that soon we will be a family in the same home again. Today I am choosing to let go of the fears I have about being a family in the same home again. I have to have faith that God will take care of us and guide us to be loving and respectful and kind and supportive of each other.

Here is a meditation and prayer for today from 24 Hours a Day...

To God, a miracle of change in a person's life is only a natural happening. But it is a natural happening operated by spiritual forces. There is no miracle in personalities too marvelous to be an everyday happening. But miracles happen only to those who are fully guidedand strengthened by God. Marvelous changes in people's natures happen so simply, and yet they are free from all other agencies than the grace of God. But these miracles have been prepared for by days and months of longingfor something better. They are always accompanied by a real desire to conquer self and to surrender one's life to God.

I pray that I may expect miracles in the lives of people. I pray that I may be used to help people change.

Before I go off to visit you all at HNT, please take time to sign my guestbook, look it over, steal it for yourself...after all I stole the idea from Granny!!! Oh and thanx to all who have signed up already, much appreciated!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Good Morning everyone! I shamelessly stole this guestbook from my friend Granny. At last count, she had over 60 guests sign hers... Gee, I wonder how my little guestbook will do? I wonder how many people love me? I wonder if I should be such a love tramp today? Hell yeah!!!
On to more serious matters now! Here is our Daily Reflection...

My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependancy and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

The Language of the Heart pg. 238

Years of dependancy on alcohol as a chemical mood-changer deprived me of the capability to interact emotionally with my fellows. I thought I had to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and self-motivated in a world of unreliable people. Finally I lost my self-respect and was left with dependancy, lacking any ability to trust myself or to believe in anything. Surrender and self-examination while sharing with newcomers helped me to ask humbly for help.

Boy, am I ever glad I posted the Daily Reflection after I begged for some lovin' in my guestbook!!! Ironically, when I was typing it out, not once, but twice I typed "healthy" instead of "unhealthy" LOL So I guess I'll find out exactly how healthy I am, if no one chooses to indulge my insecurities by signing up their love for life in my humble little book!!! Have a great day YO!

Monday, July 16, 2007


OK, stop the darned whining already! Some of you have asked for more picture from my garden and lucky for you, I feel charitable today! So, if you'd like, follow me on a mini-tour... The first pic is a shot from the back of my yard, if you are looking at the garden slide show I have, this would be "in the corner". The second picture would be "around the corner". A little farther down are some of my phlox, through the years I have cut and shared many of my plants, but not my phlox. They are my absolute favorites and smell very much like lilacs. Next are a couple of pictures of some brand new asian lilies that have just bloomed. I planted them last fall so I was really excited when they bloomed this year. Once again I give you some more yellow asians with red centers, and last but not least, some giant yellow speckled asians! I hope that has fulfilled your garden fix for now, but I will post more as they become available!

I spent Sunday at the Mavens' house again, where I got to finish garden #1 and then I planted garden #2, which, by the way, seems to be everybody's favorite so far! I am hoping that she will get some time this week to post some pictures, as I am quite proud of the work I've done so far.

I haven't posted Daily Reflections for a bit, so here it is...

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price has purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.75

It was painful to give up trying to control my life even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life's terms, will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God's care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of my life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through those times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

I hope this Monday brings beauty, serenity and peace to you all, in preparation for a great week to come...