Saturday, November 24, 2007

I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

12 comments:

Shannon said...

grow grow grow look at you grow - growing is sometimes quite painful, at least it has been for me. I am so sorry to hear about Angel re-acting that way, but you set and kept your boundry. have you talked to her lately?
email if you would like
shannen_dennis@yahoo.com

sharonsjourney said...

I am so sorry to hear about you & AAngel. As Shannen said, it's important for you not to accept that kind of behavior from her, to have boundaries, no matter who it is.

So it sounds like you got your job back? Something is going right, & don't be so hard on yourself! Progress not perfection, you are teachable, right? I heard some humility in there too. Be good to yourself.

recoveryroad said...

I hope the income thing resolves for you.

I smiled at the 'being told what to do' part - are you looking over my shoulder!?

Take it easy. Thinking of you.

Kenny

vicariousrising said...

Heya Gurl. So sorry about things between you and your daughter. I hope that the two of you can find some peace between you.

I am glad for the Boss man's wife... she seems like a good egg and a godsend.

It's great to see ya blogging again!

XOXOX

Syd said...

Every day I hope that my self will won't get the best of me. I need to do the right thing and that's not always what I want.

Rex said...

Self will run riot! I hate that phrase.....a while back my sponsor had me open my book to page 62 and write across the top of the page "Rexie~This is what your problem is!" On top of that it was "suggested" that i start reading that page everyday...needless to say, I soon discovered that most of my problems were of my own making just as that page says. I'm getting better at trying not to run the show....but it will take a lifetime. At least you are at the point when you can recognize your self will run riot....you are well on your way. Keep on Keeping on.

therapydoc said...

I'm always dreading the day that I become unteachable. What if that happened!@#

Sober Chick said...

God's Will, Mine? God's, sometimes it seems so confusing. When honest though, it is really not. Seeing where our Will took over takes us to a whole new level of growth . . . yes, I was self Will run riot recently. Yuck.

All I want is to remain humble, to remain teachable. I don't want God's job, he can have it!

Hope you had a wonderful Turkey day!

Shabby Cottage Boutique said...

give it to God..Denise F. Boston

sharonsjourney said...

Well, it's been awhile, I think you've had enough time to eat plenty of crow! When is your next blog? I miss you. Hope you are doing ok. Love you I'll keep checking. Don't choke on the crow!

Parker L. said...

teachable is a wonderful quality isnt it?

sharonsjourney said...

Where'd you go? Come back, come back, where ever you are!

Love, Sharon