Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105
Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.
All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!
So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...
- to have some choices to make
- to be clean and sober despite my own will
- that I really do know the next right thing to do
- that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
- that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
- that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
- to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
- I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
- some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
- I have everything I need today, and then some
Happy Sunday folks!