SHE HAS RETURNED!

HAPPY CHRISMAKKAH to one and all... I can't believe that there are only 11 more sleeps until Christmas. I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. I'm watching the O.C. while I am writing and they are in a "parallel universe". I think I am also having one of those days! Lately I've been going back and forth between today and yesterday(s). Like one minute I am feet firmly planted in today and the next I find myself reminiscing on days gone by, has that ever happened to you? I think I know what's going on though, so please indulge me while I launch into yet another edition of "Self-Diagnosis for Dummies!"

So at long last I have achieved what millions before me have done...I finally got my six months sobriety chip...YAY ME, I ROCK!!! But alas self-sabotage guru as I am, I have been feeling pretty crappy recently. Last year this would have been a perfect time for a drink. I haven't yet found a job (could it be that I've only put out TWO applications in the past month?), last year that would have been a good reason for a drink. Bailey's has come out with two new flavors, last year I would have drank to that.Um, oh yeah, Devilteen and I have been having (little) arguments the last few weekends, this too would have been a good excuse to drink last year...But it's NOT LAST YEAR it's TODAY and today I am clean and sober and today my life has good days and bad days and today I think I'm grieving the loss of a best friend.

I was at a meeting last night and lots of people were sharing about drinking, it must be the time of year. One woman had just recently got her six months but she drank on Saturday. One guy who has over twenty years in was on a date with a woman who 'only ever had two glasses of wine' she told him after three glasses and then asked him to open another bottle for her. Then someone who has become a good friend shared that last year at this time he had just got his six months, and was feeling really sad, he realized that he was grieving. All of a sudden I saw a light and heard Angels singing and GOT IT!!! Booze was my best (dare I say only) friend this time last year. No wonder I've been feeling so crappy lately.

All you earthlings out there will probably not get this at all, but I must pay homage to one who was there for me through thick and thin (weight-wise!), someone who saw me with no make-up on, with fresh make-up on, with smeared make-up on, and never judged me. Here's to a friend who was there through all the tears when I was told I was not going to be allowed to see Devilteen at Christmastime because she was caught with a bag of weed that she stole from ME. Yup my old friend and I had some very interesting times together... like the time I fell up or down the stairs and awoke with a black eye, a totally scratched up arm, a huge bruise on my thigh and a twisted ankle, I don't remember what happened I was in yet another blackout, but my good friend alcohol was there and is not saying a word. Alcohol has helped me cope with the pain of a broken heart, the rejection of my mother, the over-whelming depression that has plagued me through most of my life, and has never told my secrets. Alcohol has been there to help celebrate the good times and help erase the memory of the bad times. Today I cope with all these things without my friend and I know this is the best chouice for me, but still, I must grieve the loss and let go so that I can get on with my new, healthier life. So my friend alcohol, I bid you farewell, thanks for being there when noone else was, I may always miss you, but rest in peace, for my life is far better without you.

Okay, I feel better now. Today I don't have to cope alone. Just yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone who had a sick baby in her arms, I could hear the wailing of a tantrum-ing four year old in the background, and she lovingly told me to leave my pity-party and get me ass to a meeting! I did as I was told, and (will wonders never cease) I actually do feel better! I have now survived a weekend that Devilteen cut short because sometimes hangin' wit da gurls is more exciting than going to visit mom. I have baked up a storm of treats to give as gifts for Christmas. I have caught up on my laundry and dishes. And I REMEMBER the whole weekend...I am not hungover and full of self-loathing and remorse, I am not afraid to face the world lest they see my dirty little secrets, I AM FREE! Thanks for listening!