IT'S ALMOST OVER!

Another year of Christmas with all the trimmings has come and gone. Hard to believe, but now I feel kind of sad that it has passed so quickly! All in all it really was a great holiday, I made it through with the minimal requirement of stress. Just enough it seems to get me motivated and get the stuff done that I wanted to get done.

On the Saturday before Christmas Devilteen and I had a 'gurly night' with a very dear friend that with both love a lot. We stayed up late listening to music and wrapping presesnts, we had Timmy's coffee and lots of treats and a good time was had by all! Even the spawnling enjoyed the festivities, laughing(almost) and smiling ever so sweetly at Devilteen and his momma, falling asleep when I paid attention to him! Gotta love the little guy, he's already got quite a big personality, I just wish he would not listen so much to older brother Gutsy (a private joke which I will write about in the future!)

Yup I've enjoyed the very best of the season so far. I realize just how blessed my life is. As I mentioned on Friday I received my first prize, Saturday I was not disappointed either as I received three awesome DVD's to go along with Fridays' gift. On Sunday Devilteen and I wrapped up some more gift bags for other loved ones. We did some more baking and it was a very relaxing day. On Sunday night we ventured out into the world and hit the Alcothon, not arriving until almost 11:00 p.m.. You know, there were still lots of people and it was great. I got lots of hugs and did some socializing had lots of coffee and Devilteen didn't even complain about having to be there! Actually, I have to take time to send her a HUGE thank you, because as circumstances would have it I may not have gone without her prompting.

In true Lushgurl form I tend to put things off, often to the point where I haven't left myself time to do things or to where fear (sabotage) has talked me out of doing something all together. My child knows the momma all too well though and said at about 9:30 "come on Mom, you said you wanted to go so I'll help you get ready and we'll go!"she helped me decide what to wear ( that in itself could have caused a panic attack) , then she helped me fix my hair (I know I wasn't going to the prom but I May have bailed because my hair wasn't co-operating). Then Devilteen went on the computer to get the bus scheduale and out the door we went!

Gosh I think back to all the times I missed out on stuff that I thought I wanted to do because of the overwhelming panic that would consume me. Many occasions that I didn't take Debaby to the park or what not because the thought of facing 'The WORLD OUT THERE' was just too much for me to cope with. Yes here comes the dreaded G-word again... I felt many years of guilt for not doing all the things I should have when Debaby was little, to me the most amazing thing is, is that Devilteen does not seem to hold it against me ( at least not yet, maybe when she's "growed" with kids of her own and in therapy, it'll all come back to haunt me!) But for now Devilteen will lovingly laugh at all my fears and foibles and encourage me to get out of myself anyway. Come to think of it I have a friend like that too. Every time I come up with what I figure is a legitimate reason to not do something I should do (usually for my own good) she basically agrees with my insanity and then talks me into doing it anyway! Funny how He puts people in our lives like that, left to my own devices I might just stay in the house hibernating and proceed to wither and die for lack of human contact.

The Alcothon, for those of you who don't know, is a 24 hour thing every Christmas and New Year for those of us who need to get out and be with people. We are encouraged to donate food and different groups from around the area donate their time to put on meetings. It is a safe, loving place to go for anyone (alot of us haven't yet fixed our family situations) to go so that they won't be alone on the holidays. I have gone in the past, but this year was all about wanting to be there not needing to be there. We attended a meeting at midnight which was perfect. It was a closed discussion in which part of a story was read from "The Big Book". It was a story about this guy who was a compulsive J-walker. It told how he would feel the need to race out in front of streetcars and other motor vehicles. He got a rush out of it, the excitement of never knowing if he could do it succesfully or not. Well eventually this guy would take too many risks and inevitably would get hit. From the hospital he would realize just how crazy his obsession was and would vow to stop. Of course no sooner would he be released from the hospital, he would once again run out into the traffic, breaking an arm or a leg. It seemed he could not help himself. He knew ahead of time what the consequences of his actions would be, but time and again he would find himself out in the traffic, then in the hospital with broken bones. He would promise to never do it again, and would mean it every time, but sooner or later, he would do the same thing all over again.

Any of us who are in recovery will certainly be able to relate this story to many phases of our drinking days. You 'earthlings' out there may not relate so much. I know that in reading the story for the first time many years ago I could certainly identify that clearly this guy was insane. I mean why would ANYONE in their RIGHT minds continue to do the same thing over and over, with such disasterous results EVERY time? Today I TOTALLY GET IT!! I have had many periods of sobriety in my life, but sooner or later I would end up drinking again. The progression of my disease would ensure that things would never get any better, the consequences of my behavior would get more severe, but still I was helpless to stop the insanity. So I guess in a way when I have the opportunity to give a little back, I must, for my own recovery and also for the potential recovery of still suffering drunks. I am So grateful that I don't have to drink my way through the Christmas season, dreading the get togethers and avoiding my loved ones. Thank you for my sobriety today!

As I've mentioned before, I invited my mom to spend a day with Devilteen and me this year. I had planned to make our big dinner on Boxing day so that my mom would not have to chose between me and my sister on Christmas day. Well on the 25 th, my mom called to say there was a storm warning for the next day and that if there was too much snow, she would not be able to make it into Ottawa the next day. I was crushed. I had shared with people how excited I was that 'my mommy' was coming to MY house for Christmas. Devilteen was happy that for the first time ever Nana would share this special day with us at our place. I thought she was just looking for a way out. I was hurt and angry. But ya know what? I did something DIFFERENT this time, I opted to go ahead and have our turkey dinner on Christmas Day so that Devilteen and I would have it no matter what. I didn't set myself up for more hurt and rejection by waiting to see if my mom could make it. I took care of myself and my child first and it felt GOOD!

So I just have to make it through New Year's Eve now. I haven't yet decided what I am going to do but I know that it will be the right decision for ME! I also know that it will be o.k. no matter what because I am not drinking today. I of course. will dutifully post to tell you about it later . So just in case I don't post before next year I want to wish everyone all the best and I hope all your dreams come true. Until we meet again HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!