Every man and woman who has joined AA and intends to stick has , without realizing it, made a beginning to Step Three. Isn't it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous?... Any willing newcomer feels sure AA is the only safe harbor for the foundering vessel he has become. Now if this is not turning one's will and life over to a newfound Providence, then what is it?
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 35
I just cannot believe how often these daily reflections actually pertain to what is happening in my life today! I never really doubted that I had a Higher Power guiding me, although at many points along the way, I would take back the reins time and again! A safe place? Yes indeedy! When I came back to AA after many years of research (see previous posts for results of research- caution, some contents may be offensive to some viewers!), it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders! As soon as I walked through the doors, I felt like I had come home. I have heard many people express these same feelings over the years, and, for the most part, I thought they were on drugs or something!
For a gurl who never really 'fit in' anywhere, to find acceptance in the rooms was a life saver for me. I was greeted with smiles, handshakes, and "Welcome". People told me they were glad I came back. Uh, yeah OK. Not only was I not being thrown out on my butt, people actually seemed HAPPY to see me!!! No, I didn't require them to take any drug tests, but they didn't ask me to 'pee in a cup' either! The more meetings I attended, the more people would welcome me. I have even made some, dare I say, friends in the program. My dance card is not filled every night yet, and my phone isn't constantly ringing off the hook ( unless the Angel is here), but that is only because I have not quite got to that phase of my recovery yet. I know it WILL happen, because so many of the promise HAVE come true for me today.
So in a nut shell, here is what has been going on in my life lately... yesterday I attended another plan of care with CAS, Angel, and one of her care givers from the group home. These plans take place every three to six months to determine what the best plan of care is to be for Angel. Talk about opportunities to "turn it over"! First of all, I got there early, for those who don't know this about me, I am rarely on time, let alone be early for anything! My mom always said that I was born early and have made up for it by being late ever since! The point is, that I didn't fret about having to wait for someone else, I talked to the receptionist to pass the time, and it felt ok. I found out that she is in the program, has been for 24 years, we talked about changing our lives, it was really cool. Before (read when I was still 'out there') I probably would have paced and ranted, general impatience at the injustice of ME having to wait for someone else! Ya think maybe I turned it over?
Next on the agenda... The CAS worker arrived, we had an opportunity to talk alone, about how things were going and what the goals would be for this meeting. At one point, he said that I would need to prepare for the possibility of Angel not coming home to me. I said " I realize that this may be a possibility, however, I am doing the best I can to live in today. There is no point in me going to the worst case scenario, as that would seriously jeapardize my serenity and possibly my sobriety. I have done all I can do to get and stay sober, the rest is not in my hands". Are you hearing what I'M hearing? Yup, MY words, out of MY mouth from MY heart!!! I actually meant it too. The last time I was faced with Angels' thoughts that she may not want to come home, I almost lost it! Thank God for the program, my friends and my cyber-friends, I didn't have to use over it. I am not going THERE today! The CAS worker totally did NOT get this...but that is ok too. I am working my program, and it doesn't matter if HE gets it, just that I GET it! Turn it over, you bet I did!
At the meeting, Angel was in quite a mood, what kind you ask? A 'devilteen mood'...slightly angry, arms crossed, hating school, hating counseling, hating the other losers in the house, not caring, not wanting to be there... and how did I respond you ask? For one thing I didn't take it personally, yeah it hurt to see her hurting, but it was not MY STUFF. I told her I loved her and gave her hugs, and WHAT? Turned it over! I can't do anything to change how Angel is feeling, I can only BE there to support her and offer a shoulder for her to lean on, the rest is up to her!
After the meeting Angel confessed to me that she had used. The thing is, earlier in the week she had called me all upset because apparently one of the gurls in the house got caught with pot, or smoking pot. When questioned she said she got it from Angel. Of course Angel was angry and indignant, " mom, it wasn't mine" she said "I didn't use I swear " she said, " I can't believe that I am being blamed" she said. I suggested that if she hadn't used, and the other gurl was lying, perhaps she could volunteer a drug test, as this would show that she was sincere. But yesterday she told me that , yes, not only did she use, but she was the one who had got the stuff. And how did I deal with this revelation you ask? You guessed it! I turned it over, hey I'm beginning to see a trend here!!! Once again I told Angel I loved her and I hope she will make better choices for herself. I said it was too bad that she felt she had to use, but that I 'got that she felt she had to use' I also said if she needed to talk about it, I could just be an addict, not a mom, for the conversation. I also reminded her that she had a choice today, that counseling might help her to cope better, but again, that was HER choice.
So you see gurls and boys, the program is working for me today, I could not be more grateful. It is so good to realize that by turning it over, going to meetings, and prayer and meditation, even I can stay clean and sober today! Peace, serenity and sobriety to all of you today, I am going to go write in my gratitude book and give myself to God! Then I have some blog-stalking to do, see you soon!
