HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH...

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to have some choices to make
• to be clean and sober despite my own will
• that I really do know the next right thing to do
• that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
• that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
• that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
• to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
• I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
• some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
• I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

I'VE BEEN THINKING

So much has been going on in my life lately, I have been dealing with a lot of old stuff that has seemed to make a return appearance in my life since I have become clean and sober. Sometimes I envy the people who only have to deal with addictions. Selfishly, I am relieved to discover just how many others are out there who have 'other issues', as they say in the Big Book. The thing is, I first started this blog for fun, and then I discovered a whole world of people out there in recovery, Oh Joy, Oh Bliss! So I have made a decision to start another blog where I can share my feelings about self-esteem and self-image as well as a place for me to vent about family of origin issues. I think it will be by invite, as some of you may not relate or even be interested. If you would like to check me out let me know and when I'm up and running I'll send you an e-mail.

Here is today's Daily Reflections reading:

If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.
As Bill Sees It pg. 8

Sobriety fills in the painful " hole in my soul" that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done. However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others. My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery that willingness to grow. Today I am willing to grow.

As usual, I find it is no coincidence that this reading directly reflects what I have chosen to do in my recovery. I have been praying to have the willingness to finally deal with some other issues that have so plagued me in the past. Actually, my avoidance of doing ALL the work, I believe, sent me back out on more than one occasion. Today I value myself, my sobriety, and all of my friends and loved ones. Here is yet another example of how my HP takes care of me, I am now actively working on Step Three with my sponsor, and there is a reading from the Big Book, Chapter Five, that says:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol- cunning, baffling , powerful ! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now.

Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon..."

With that I will pray that each and every one of us have a peaceful , loving day, safely tucked into the caring arms of God- I love you all.

WALKING DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET

Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

• to be clean and sober
• to not have as much insanity in my life
• the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
• laughter
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
• I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
• my garden is still blooming
• having my AAngel/devilteen home
• my HP loves me no matter what
• my HP forgives my mistakes
• for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here http://krista-wine-o.blogspot.com/

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

OK, stop the darned whining already! Some of you have asked for more picture from my garden and lucky for you, I feel charitable today! So, if you'd like, follow me on a mini-tour... The first pic is a shot from the back of my yard, if you are looking at the garden slide show I have, this would be "in the corner". The second picture would be "around the corner". A little farther down are some of my phlox, through the years I have cut and shared many of my plants, but not my phlox. They are my absolute favorites and smell very much like lilacs. Next are a couple of pictures of some brand new asian lilies that have just bloomed. I planted them last fall so I was really excited when they bloomed this year. Once again I give you some more yellow asians with red centers, and last but not least, some giant yellow speckled asians! I hope that has fulfilled your garden fix for now, but I will post more as they become available!

I spent Sunday at the Mavens' house again, where I got to finish garden #1 and then I planted garden #2, which, by the way, seems to be everybody's favorite so far! I am hoping that she will get some time this week to post some pictures, as I am quite proud of the work I've done so far.

I haven't posted Daily Reflections for a bit, so here it is...

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price has purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.75

It was painful to give up trying to control my life even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life's terms, will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God's care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of my life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through those times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

I hope this Monday brings beauty, serenity and peace to you all, in preparation for a great week to come...

QUAARTER NAAKED THURSDAAY NIGHT!

I had a new visiter to my blog today, and he sounds like an alcoholic in pain. He's new in recovery and is dealing with some painful stuff. I'm quite sure that all of us have enough love to help out a newcomer...why not drop by and welcome him to blogland... http://redcardinalofserenity.blogspot.com/



My sponsor gave me this butterfly charm for my birthday, in the card she wrote "The butterfly is the symbol of transformation, all that we become on our journey of sobriety. I wish you many colours!"

Well, I did it again, I missed hAAlf nAAked Thursday, I'm gonna hafta get my act together or I may be kicked out! The thing is, I've been feeling kinda stuck... I know that you guys know what this is like 'cause we are, after all, alcoholics. I was talking to a gurl that I was in treatment with and she sensed that I was not myself. She said what many others have shared, that I am experiencing post-year let down. Well, nobody told me THAT when I was getting up to receive my medallion!!! I know, nobody told me it was all gonna be cherries and cream, but come on...don't ya know I'm special??? OK, seriously now, 'cause I don't want you to hurt yourselves laughing at MY expense... I think maybe I need a good kick in the butt, and that's probably why I haven't been making phone calls or posting much. But don't tell anyone I said that, and if you do, I'll just deny it anyway. Oh crap, I forgot, I'm putting this out there for the world to see... I guess I'll bend over now LOL!

Better late than never, here is a reading from "As Bill Sees It", randomly opened to see if good old HP is paying attention to me today...

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity has returned. We can now react sanely and normally, and we find that this has happened almost automatically. We see that this new attitude toward liquor is really a gift of God.

That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky, nor are we afraid.

That is how we react-so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. pg. 121

Hahahaha... I had to laugh when I read about the sanity part, because I am not exactly feeling sane right now, but I know...this too shall pass! Today I am grateful for the following...

• they say my sanity will be restored


• to be clean and sober today


• to be able to "feel" all of my feelings


• nobody has kicked me outta AA...yet!


• my friend the Maven is celebrating 16 years on Friday (I made the cake)


• I do not have any cravings for alcohol or drugs today


• my sense of humour has returned


• my ability to love has returned


• I know how to "let go and let God", I just need to practice it more


• for all of you 'oldtimers' and 'newcomers' that keep coming back here!

So that's it for now, because I have some blog-stalking to catch up on...

RUNNIN' ON EMPTY...

This week has been a hurry up and wait week! I am so tired, I feel out of sorts. Thank God I have my meetings and all of my blogger buds to help keep me focused on today! Tonight I will actually celebrate my B-day at my home group, there will be a medallion, and a cake, and I have chosen a speaker, but I don't know what to wear!!! And today I hear Pam say "It doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you show up!" She has posted a week of letters to her still sick self just before finding recovery. It is painful to read, and I feel the lonliness and desperation in every word, but I have seen that miracles happen, because of who Pam is today. Please visit her here... http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/

Here is todays Daily Reflection...

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help.... we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life- the one that did not work- for a new life that can and does work under any condition whatever.

As Bill Sees It pg.10,8

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefullness in AA and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58) To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God's help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

I had goosebumpies typing out these last few words as I realize that the title of my post is "Running on empty"...coincidence? WE THINK NOT!!!

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I started today out empty, and now He has filled me up!
• to be clean and sober today
• tonight He may use me to show a new(er)comer how it really works
• my Angel has agreed to read the promises for us tonight
• I get to have celebratory cake! -want some?
• waking up at 7:30 is beginning to suck less!
• just for today I am where I am supposed to be
• even though I missed HNT, the party went on without me!
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• for each and everyone of YOU - you make my mornings worthwhile!
• to be able to love self and others today...

Hope each and everyone finds themselves full of the good stuff today!!!

TOLERANCE, ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

Hey there people! I survived my shopping trip with Angel, her friend ended up cancelling at the last minute, so it was just me and my baby. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. In the group home, each gurl is given $500.00 once a year for clothing, so Angel had half of that with her. I learned a lot about me during our travels! For one thing, I am no longer jealous about all the teeny tiny little gurls running around out there! Angel is a perfect little size 6, which would be a size 4 in American! I noticed when she was trying on clothes, that she had no qualms about it, she chose things that she liked, after asking my opinion. I also found out that I missed that most fun part of being a teenager. For me, clothes shopping is always, shall we say, traumatic? I have a very skewed self image, indeed to the point that, what I see, is often so distorted, that I cannot rely on my own judgement. So for me, the shopping brought up some old feelings, and that is really no surprise, as I am staying clean and sober. My sh*tty committee is trying to sabotage me by challenging my worthiness, through my body image. Thank God, I have a counsellor who knows me so well. We spent yesterday, helping to get me back on a good track.

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, and as usual, it speaks to me about self acceptance...

The only requirment for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 139

I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to AA, I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me is the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God's will for us.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• my feelings are nor facts
• I can be happy for someone else's good fortune
• shopping with a teenager can be a character building experience for me
• I have more new blooms in my garden today
• my "Boys" won against the Yankees last night
• once I have accepted something, it no longer holds me prisoner
• I am learning to love my body, one part at a time- I have cute little feeties!
• Angel has decided to come back home to momma!
• I have a safe place to lay my head at night
• if my day sucks, I can start it over
• to learn that love for self and others does not have to hurt anyone
• to be clean and sober today
• all of my fellow bloggers, yes, that means YOU!

Off to take pictures of my garden/jungle... If ya want to view my slideshow, click on view all images... Stalk to ya soon...

MORE ON PHOBIAS

After completing my list, I came across a few more phobias to add to my list, just happened upon them in my blog-stalking... dentists, heights, and bridges, growing old alone !! My good friend Granny-Ann, then directed me to the following...

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding" Amen
Page 76 AA Big Book

I knew as soon as I had read it, that this was the Seventh Step prayer. A sponsor I had in Barrie told me to read it everyday. She said that it was not enough to just be willing to have God remove all of my defects of character, now I had to get busy and ask Him to do just that! It's like she would quote the Big Book to me, with all of its' suggestions, in such a way that I "got it". And after all of these years of going back out, and returning to the program, the lessons of that sponsor come back to me at times like this. Kind of like riding a bike without falling off and breaking ones' nose!

As I mentioned a few days ago, I have been on an emotional seesaw lately, of course I had a few up days, and now the seesaw is going back down. I have increasingly begun to have a feeling that Angel doesn't really want to come home, call it mothers' intuition, I dunno. I have initiated the conversation with her on several occasions being careful about how I approach it. I don't want to add to the pressure she must already be feeling by trying to sway her decision. The thing is, I keep getting the same answer "I don't know mom, it's like 50/50 for me. I want to come home, but I also want to stay where I am..." Despite her words though, I have been feeling more that she wants to become a crown ward. On that side... She will soon be given the chance to live on her own in assisted living. They set her up in a room in a house with other gurls. There is minimal supervision. She is given money for food and clothing etc. They will also pay for college after she finishes high school. Hmmm, tough choice huh? 16, on your own, rent paid, money to spend, no adults (to speak of)... Gee, what would I do in that situation? On the mommy side... a mom who loves me forever, a mom who has rules and boundaries, a mom who is clean and sober today but has messed up many times in the past... Yup, it's a tough call.

Well yesterday, I needed to have more information. So I called my CAS worker to ask what would happen if Angel made the decision to stay in care and become a crown ward. He said that the judge would honour her wishes. Apparently, all along, Angel has expressed to him that she did indeed want to stay in care. So if he is being truthful with me, my intuition has been right on. And Angel being Angel is more concerned about my feelings than she should be, so she is afraid to tell me how she really feels. OUCH. Of course I want her to come home truth be told I also have a lot of fears about this. I am not used to being a full time mom now. We get along great for the weekends. I can be strong, take care of me, and be a good mom for two or three days at a time. We are getting much better at addressing problems as they come up, so conflict is minimal. But the thought of being a full time mom to a very hormonal teenager with an attitude and, I'm sure, a lot of unexpressed anger at the mommy...hmmm, tough choice again!

Yesterday I did get the opportunity to spend time with a good friend, so it was good to air some of my thoughts, and get feedback. I then called my sponsor to firm up plans for my birthday. She told me that she has been extremely busy lately and that is why she hadn't returned my last few calls. Then she told me how she was going away every weekend with a new boyfriend, I asked if she would be there to give me my medallion, and she said no! I went numb, I could not believe what my ears had told my brain. I asked her if she could make an exception on my 1st birthday, and go to her cottage on Saturday instead, and then she said she didn't feel that she was sponsor material anymore, that I needed to find someone who could be more available to me. OK, I can accept the rejection, but I need someone to sponsor me today! I have a lot of stuff going on, and it is only two weeks until my celebration. I honestly cannot believe she would pick now to tell me this.

So now I hafta go back to the beginning of my post, where I was talking about my fears. Anyone care to recite the following with me? I could use a little extra help right now!

"My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." Page 76 AA Big Book

On that note here is what I am grateful for today...

• to be clean and sober
• to have faced heartbreak and rejection before, and get through it
• to have people in my life who love me and want the best for me
• my garden and all its' new blooms
• for AA and the fellowship
• for a really good sleep in a safe home
• the courage to accept the things I cannot change
• for today- a new start
• that I am able to find beauty in a sometimes yucky world
• all of my cyber friends and admirers LOL
• all of you who reach out to me and share your E S and H- thank you!
  

Anyone care to play today? Have a great day in the playground of life!

GIVING WITHOUT STRINGS

Here is today's Daily Reflection...
And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demands for a return.
As Bill Sees It pg 69

The concept of giving without strings was hard to understand when I first came into the program. I was suspicious when others wanted to help me. I thought, "What do they want in return?" But I soon learned the joy of helping another alcoholic and I understood why they were there for me in the beginning. My attitude changed and I wanted to help others. Sometimes I became anxious, as I wanted them to know the joys of sobriety, that life can be beautiful. When my life is full of a loving God of my understanding and I give that love to my fellow alcoholic, I feel a special richness that is hard to explain.

Ah yes, the more I read these writings and the more meetings I go to, I am even more aware of where I belong. To me, there were always strings attached to everything, no matter who the person was or what the giving was. Sadly, I gave my very soul to be accepted, only to find that I was not. I gave my body for drugs, only to wake up feeling remorseful and used. New in the program, I still had that feeling that people wanted something from me in exchange for this sobriety thing. No one, in my opinion, would give away the happiness that they had worked so hard for, without getting something back from me! I didn't trust their words. I grew close to no one. But slowly, by continuing to go to meetings, and sharing a little here and there, I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. And this God, of my understanding, just wanted me to be happy. The people in the meetings said "We can only keep what we have, by giving it away!".

Today, I do my best to share my experience, strength and hope with others. I see now that when I speak at a meeting, secretary, pick up chairs or even make coffee, I am showing others that it feels good to give back. I am grateful for this new life that I have and I want for others to have the experience of freedom that this program has given me. One of the ways I can do this today is to shake hands at the door, be a greeter, welcome people to my meetings whether it is their hundredth or their very first meeting. When I leave a comment on your blog, I am sharing how the program works for me. I never know if my words might be the very words that you need to hear today. Just as when you leave a comment for me, it could have been your words that helped to bring me out of the funk that I was in.

Last night I received a call from Angels' group home that apparently she had come home drunk. As a mom this devastated me. I had read in several posts last night about the pain of watching our children drink and use, struggling to find their own way. I cried in frustration and fear for my daughter. I don't want her to have to follow my path in an attempt to feel good about herself. But all I can do is to continue living clean and sober today. My new life and happiness, the freedom from addictions, my hope for the future, are all things I can freely give my daughter. Of course unconditional love and a soft place to fall are also things I can give her with no expectations. All of the things that all of you have given me, I now have to pass alomg to another who suffers. Life is good today!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• for being clean and sober today

all of the people who welcomed me to the program

the ability to love unconditionally

the acceptance I feel in the rooms, and here in 'blog land'

for a friend sharing a part of her with me last night- trusting me

I am willing to give without strings today

the digital camera that takes the pics of my garden

my depression is lighter today- it too passed

the sunshine

coffee

I can love Angel until she loves herself- and then some

for a new chance at life

I have everything I need today, and then some

ALL of YOU

LET THE PAST REST IN PEACE

Today is the anniversary of my fathers' death. He died at the age of 61, after a fairly short battle with lung cancer, May 6 1992...
Rest in peace now daddy... you are at home with your Father.

this was written yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to finish the post...
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This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Friday was my mom's birthday, and Sunday was the anniversary of my fathers' death. On these days, a part of me always goes back to when my dad died. He had been quite ill for about six months, his cancer had already spread from his lungs to his spine, by the time they found it. My mom though, was determined that he would get better, I guess clinging to hope. The truth was that she was deep in denial. Her mother was also very ill at the time, and my mother had taken a trip to visit her mother just days before my dad passed. I think that he knew his time was up, and how worried my mom was about her mother, so he convinced her to go for a visit. I hadn't seen my father since the Christmas before and I knew he was not long for this world. By May I was able to make the trip home again. I had been dealing with some childhood issues, and wanted to 'confront' my father before he died. The day I got to Ottawa, he had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My mother was called and also came home, it was her birthday that day. The stress of taking care of my dad , and the guilt of her not being there when he had his stroke was too much for my mother and she had a breakdown of sorts. She took it out on me, and my sister did too, I ended up leaving Ottawa then, and my dad died two days later. At the funeral, my mother was hysterical, and had to be pulled away from the coffin, she didn't want to let my dad go. Neither my mom nor my sister were speaking to me at this point. It was very painful, I felt as if I had lost my whole family in one week. I went home with my nine month old baby, broke up with her father for good, and began the process of my own healing.

So here I am fifteen years later, my mom and I have healed our relationship. My sister and I are at least on speaking terms again. And I am grateful to be clean and sober, to have my health, and to be able to show love to the people in my life while they are still here.

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading (sorry Steve, I had a few days!)...

Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this passage. I must go to any length to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I had sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at anothers' expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

When I take the Fifth Step it's wiser to choose someone with whom I share common aims because if that person doesn't understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. So I ask for divine guidance before choosing the man or woman whom I take into confidance.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• that I am clean and sober
• Angel and I had a good weekend together
• it is another beautiful sunny day
• I am no longer afraid to do my Fourth and Fifth Steps
• more flowers are blooming in my garden
• there are people who wonder where I am, if they don't see me for a while
• my safe and loving home
• my cats and my budgie
• my health
• my HP is doing for me what I could not do for myself
• even when I feel a little sad, it's OK 'cause I know that it will pass
• all of my sober blogging buddies... that means ALL of YOU!

I hope everyone has a peaceful and sober day today.

IT'S RAINING AGAIN!

Well, it is Sunday, and still rainin', but I am not all depressed and pissed off that if I go outside I will...
A) melt because I am so sweet
B) hafta freak 'cause my hair and rain don't get along well
C) stay indoors just because it's raining

I guess by MY standards, this all counts as progress!

• It is a good day though, despite the rain!
• My Angel is sleeping soundly in her bed.
• I have been up since 8:00 this morning and have managed to stalk all of my favorite people.
• I was asked to speak at a meeting tonight, and I am not nervous, 'cause I know He will put the words in my mouth
• plans for my upcoming AA b-day are now in the works, and I think I'll make it ODAAT
• by next weekend I will be able to post new pics of my garden in bloom
• my new, old, sponsor has welcomed me back into her life
• I had enough milk for the three coffee's I have drank since waking up
• even though Angel is almost 16, she still loves to cuddle wit Hersickmomma
• my mommy called me this week, and she loves me still
• all of my cyber friends keep visiting my little bloggy...even though by now they MUST realize I am a freak

In case any of you all were wonderin', that was my gratitude list for today! I know I am kinda doin' it backwards, but I always have been a little backwards, and I am OK with it!!!

Our first attempts at inventories are apt to prove unrealistic. I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. On certain occasions, I wanted to look only at the part of my life that seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing in AA.

Naturally this generated a terrible hankering for still more "accomplishments", and still more approval. I was falling straight back into the patten of my drinking days. Here were the same old goals- power, fame, and applause. Besides, I had the best alibi known- the spiritual alibi. The fact that I really did have a spiritual objective made the utter nonsence seem perfectly right.

This was taken from randomly opening As Bill Sees It, and landing on page 193 ! So I guess one of my goals for today will not be to garner applause, pats on the back and laughter in my sharing. All I can do is honestly share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like today...A message from my HP, perhaps?

Keep coming back!

EQUALITY

Today I am going to start with my "Daily Reflections" reading, for your pleasure and mine!...

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from Alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliations. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 563

Prior to AA, I often felt that I didn't "fit in" with the people around me. Usually "they" had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn't jibe with "theirs". The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society had only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining AA. I found the way of life I had been searching for. In AA, no member is better than any other member; we're just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

On reflection of this reading I realize just how different I really felt in the outside world. I had always known that somehow I WAS different, but in my mind I translated this to mean that there was something inherently wrong with me, as in broken, unfixable. I know for me a lot of those feelings come from the messages I received as a child, the discounting of my feelings, perceptions, the very negation of the reality in which I lived. I was told that I made up stories, that I plain out lied or didn't know what I was talking about. If I was sad or crying I was told that I had no reason to cry , or I should be grateful for what I had (you know, the millions of starving kids story). So growing up, I learned to not trust myself, my own feelings, to check with someone else to tell me if I was good or bad, right or wrong, smart or dumb. valuable or worthless...

Today this has all come to a head for me once again. I guess it started on the weekend when Angel had a fight with me! I say it this way because I didn't really 'fight' back, I just let her vent , and then called for back-up. I have been told that I dealt with all this appropriately, I did a good job, I took care of me etc. But still, in my mind I had bailed on my child by 'sending her away' when things got too intense for me to deal with it. Of course running out of my meds on Sunday and having it rain all day Monday, was just enough of an opening to allow my sh*tty committee into my head again! I am after all my own worst enemy, when it comes to perception of self...So I went to the place where any (good?) self-loathing alcoholic goes. I told myself I was a BAD mommy. I told myself I had FAILED my child yet again. I told myself that maybe Angel was better off where she was because, CLEARLY I was not prepared or able to deal with her!

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. I talked a lot 'around' the issues I have been facing. I got the praise I so crave "You took care of you, you did the right thing..." and then the tears came

*hangs head in shame* She had asked me if I was sharing this with anyone, or writing about it on my blog, "well, no" I replied, "then everyone "out there" would know that I am a bad person, but not just a regular bad person, a FAT bad person"...I had not actually been feeling the stuff that was going on in my life. Why , you ask? because I had been eating my feelings! In true addictive form I had found yet another 'old friend' to comfort me and to make sure all those icky feelings didn't come out so they could be dealt with and sent back to their rightful place as thoughts, not feelings! My counsellor gave me some activities to do to examine these feeling, put them in proper perspective and change my attitude toward myself. On the way home I picked up my meds, and a HUGE chocolate bar then proceeded to sleep for the rest of the afternoon and EAT my way through the evening...

This morning I woke up feeling a little better. At least now I have an awareness of what I have been doing, and that is a step toward change, right? In my daily blog-stalking, I usually come across many words of wisdom, sometimes I even come up with ones' of my own to leave as comments! So today was to be no different! I came across this http://todaysdailyblog.blogspot.com/">Link . It would seem that I actually am NOT all that different after all!!! I may have to change my name to "Super freak" though... and todays' reading about equality, has brought me back to the place where I know that I belong and (kinda) fit in! The rooms of AA have helped me to get clean and sober, and I know that when I'm ready they will also help me to deal with the feelings that are causing me to fall back on food. That to me, is what recovery is all about, learning to live better for me, not better than you. Learning how to take better care of me so I can be of more service to you and others. And today I am truly grateful to have this all-purpose program of recovering my life.

TURNING IT OVER...

Daily Reflections:

Every man and woman who has joined AA and intends to stick has , without realizing it, made a beginning to Step Three. Isn't it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous?... Any willing newcomer feels sure AA is the only safe harbor for the foundering vessel he has become. Now if this is not turning one's will and life over to a newfound Providence, then what is it?

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 35

I just cannot believe how often these daily reflections actually pertain to what is happening in my life today! I never really doubted that I had a Higher Power guiding me, although at many points along the way, I would take back the reins time and again! A safe place? Yes indeedy! When I came back to AA after many years of research (see previous posts for results of research- caution, some contents may be offensive to some viewers!), it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders! As soon as I walked through the doors, I felt like I had come home. I have heard many people express these same feelings over the years, and, for the most part, I thought they were on drugs or something!

For a gurl who never really 'fit in' anywhere, to find acceptance in the rooms was a life saver for me. I was greeted with smiles, handshakes, and "Welcome". People told me they were glad I came back. Uh, yeah OK. Not only was I not being thrown out on my butt, people actually seemed HAPPY to see me!!! No, I didn't require them to take any drug tests, but they didn't ask me to 'pee in a cup' either! The more meetings I attended, the more people would welcome me. I have even made some, dare I say, friends in the program. My dance card is not filled every night yet, and my phone isn't constantly ringing off the hook ( unless the Angel is here), but that is only because I have not quite got to that phase of my recovery yet. I know it WILL happen, because so many of the promise HAVE come true for me today.

So in a nut shell, here is what has been going on in my life lately... yesterday I attended another plan of care with CAS, Angel, and one of her care givers from the group home. These plans take place every three to six months to determine what the best plan of care is to be for Angel. Talk about opportunities to "turn it over"! First of all, I got there early, for those who don't know this about me, I am rarely on time, let alone be early for anything! My mom always said that I was born early and have made up for it by being late ever since! The point is, that I didn't fret about having to wait for someone else, I talked to the receptionist to pass the time, and it felt ok. I found out that she is in the program, has been for 24 years, we talked about changing our lives, it was really cool. Before (read when I was still 'out there') I probably would have paced and ranted, general impatience at the injustice of ME having to wait for someone else! Ya think maybe I turned it over?

Next on the agenda... The CAS worker arrived, we had an opportunity to talk alone, about how things were going and what the goals would be for this meeting. At one point, he said that I would need to prepare for the possibility of Angel not coming home to me. I said " I realize that this may be a possibility, however, I am doing the best I can to live in today. There is no point in me going to the worst case scenario, as that would seriously jeapardize my serenity and possibly my sobriety. I have done all I can do to get and stay sober, the rest is not in my hands". Are you hearing what I'M hearing? Yup, MY words, out of MY mouth from MY heart!!! I actually meant it too. The last time I was faced with Angels' thoughts that she may not want to come home, I almost lost it! Thank God for the program, my friends and my cyber-friends, I didn't have to use over it. I am not going THERE today! The CAS worker totally did NOT get this...but that is ok too. I am working my program, and it doesn't matter if HE gets it, just that I GET it! Turn it over, you bet I did!

At the meeting, Angel was in quite a mood, what kind you ask? A 'devilteen mood'...slightly angry, arms crossed, hating school, hating counseling, hating the other losers in the house, not caring, not wanting to be there... and how did I respond you ask? For one thing I didn't take it personally, yeah it hurt to see her hurting, but it was not MY STUFF. I told her I loved her and gave her hugs, and WHAT? Turned it over! I can't do anything to change how Angel is feeling, I can only BE there to support her and offer a shoulder for her to lean on, the rest is up to her!

After the meeting Angel confessed to me that she had used. The thing is, earlier in the week she had called me all upset because apparently one of the gurls in the house got caught with pot, or smoking pot. When questioned she said she got it from Angel. Of course Angel was angry and indignant, " mom, it wasn't mine" she said "I didn't use I swear " she said, " I can't believe that I am being blamed" she said. I suggested that if she hadn't used, and the other gurl was lying, perhaps she could volunteer a drug test, as this would show that she was sincere. But yesterday she told me that , yes, not only did she use, but she was the one who had got the stuff. And how did I deal with this revelation you ask? You guessed it! I turned it over, hey I'm beginning to see a trend here!!! Once again I told Angel I loved her and I hope she will make better choices for herself. I said it was too bad that she felt she had to use, but that I 'got that she felt she had to use' I also said if she needed to talk about it, I could just be an addict, not a mom, for the conversation. I also reminded her that she had a choice today, that counseling might help her to cope better, but again, that was HER choice.

So you see gurls and boys, the program is working for me today, I could not be more grateful. It is so good to realize that by turning it over, going to meetings, and prayer and meditation, even I can stay clean and sober today! Peace, serenity and sobriety to all of you today, I am going to go write in my gratitude book and give myself to God! Then I have some blog-stalking to do, see you soon!