SERENE ON SUNDAY

"Deep down within us"... We found the Great Reality. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found...search diligently within yourself.... With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 55

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of AA. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the AA program. By coming to meetings, staying sober , and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness in the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. I met my God, as I understand Him.

That is the Daily Reflection reading for today, and I am loving it. I find that it so accurately reflects alot of the emotions that I have been feeling the last week or so. Although I can honestly say that I was not in the depths of depression or despair, I well remember feeling that way not so very long ago. Last week I was feeling lonely though, and thanks to my meetings and my blogger friends, it did pass. All the hecticness passed too. The speaker I heard on Friday night had such a powerful message, and I felt my head going like a bobble-head doll as she spoke of all the terrible feelings that were in her life. She shared how the drinking at first would make the feelings go away, and then they'd come back even stronger, mixed with remorse and regret and guilt, and she would drink even more to erase them. The feelings of uselessness, and wanting to die and just not wanting to be....anymore.

I liked how she shared of her first AA meeting, and how she thought "these people actually know what I'm feeling". How true I find this to be. We may all look different on the outsides, we come from various financial backgrounds, we can be found all over the world, speaking hundreds of languages. But when a willing alcoholic open their heart to learn how to live again, they usually feel as if they have come home... at least thet is how it was for me. The speaker went on to tell how she learned to trust, and to love and to find a Power greater than herself. She spoke at length about all of the gifts the program gave her, and of all of the friends she has made. It was a message of hope, to hear about where she started and where she ended up. To know this beautiful, brave young woman today one has to have faith in this wonderful program.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• to be clean and sober...and even happy
• to have a great weekend of love and sharing with AAngel
• the Maven and her strength to have 16 years sober
• all of the flowers that God has helped me to grow
• to know that I meet the requirements for AA membership
• to be at peace today
• to look forward to tomorrow
• for my safe and loving home
• to have spoken to my sponsor, who gave me 'homework' and I have no resentments!
• for all of AA, all over the world
• each and every single one of YOU...

Stalk to ya later y'all! Oh and before I forget...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I'M STALKIN', YES INDEED....I'M STALKIN'....

Holy, I haven't really blog-stalked in a while! Nope, I've been visitin' here and there, but to sit and stalk like I used to? Not so much! I realize just how many of you out there I have come to appreciate and dare I say...LOVE. Wow, who'd a thunk I even had it in me to actually feel this way about one person, let alone a whole big buncha drunks, just like me? Yup, the times they are a-changin' for me. Case in point, last night was the 3rd AA Birthday for a member of my home group ( I so love these celebrations), and next week we will have another B-day, a two year one...and then another one in the beginning of June, for 13 years, and then mine, 365 days...And at each and every one, I find my heart swelling with love and gratitude. my eyes brimming with tears, and my mind filled with awe at how special and lucky we all are.

In my trAAvels today, someone said that they kind of wonder about the people who seem to always be positive, and lately I find that I am one of those people! The old me would have immediately questioned my own sincerity, perhaps even indulged in some stinking-thinking with a dessert of the poor-me-blues. Today though I am embracing the feelings of being positive and happy, For too many years, I waited for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, if it did not drop if its' own accord, I would take it off and throw it down like a guantlet! I challenge ye to a duel Sorrow. Misery thy name is Lushgurl. Guilt, take me as your lover. Anger, I pray to feel your wrath.... So where has this sad, lonely, angry, confused little gurl gone? WHO CARES!!! Today I feel all of my emotions, I just choose to stay with the good ones longer. I think that my experiences have taught me very well, how to ride the wave of negativity, but I'm finding I kinda like waking up bieng OK with me. And I am learning more and more, to be OK with you too. This is a BIG change for me, and the Big Book says, "Change we must"... Do any of y'all have thoughts on this today? Yeah, I know I've added that southern twang, must have picked it up in my travels, LOL.

Enjoy today's Daily Reflection with me...

AA experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and character defects which cause or aggravate them. If... Step Four... has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember...then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

Whatever is done is over. It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors. I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won't have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.

For me this really sums it all up, and it also says in the promises "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• That I don't regret my past anymore
• my Angel and I 'really' talked last night
• we have an extra day together this weekend due to a P.D. day at school
• my Angel is sick, and I know how to care for and comfort her
• I am a new, and excited member of HNT- thanks dAAve for the invite!
• MY boys actually broke their long losing streak yesterday- World Series here we come
• my muscles are achin', in a good way, from all of my walking and bike riding
• all three of the women who I asked to speak next month have said yes!
• for each and every one of YOU
• that I am clean and sober for another day

See ya all later, peace out...

MY LIVING EULOGY

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Today I am so grateful that no one is having to decide what to put on my tomb stone. A few times when I attempted suicide, the thought would cross my mind that I didn't think anyone would BE at my funeral. This thought depressed me even more. I just didn't want to die without "making a difference" some how, but I did want to die! I also wondered what would be said in my eulogy. Would anyone have a kind word to say about me or only diplomatic in saying "too bad...so sad..."

Today I am doing the best I can to live in such a way that if I were to die, I would be truly missed, but also people could remember that I was a loving and decent person. I want to be remembered for the kindness I showed to others, starting with me. I don't want people to be relieved that I am at peace , but rather to be at peace themselves. If in my journey I have been able to make a positive impact in the life of one person anywhere, then I think I can go to God in love.

On a positive note, if this were to be my tomb stone, at least I didn't die alone LOL- that had always been my "deepest fear".. so maybe there is hope for me yet!!! And as for the guys at the legion? They probably don't remember me!

In today's Daily Reflections, it talks about accepting our humanness. I shall take this to mean that I may just be here for another (sober) day!

We finally saw that the inventory should be our's, not another person's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.

As Bill Sees It pg. 22

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept that responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people diod to me. Once I came into AA I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was- humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them- and myself- and those with whom I'd had the differences; from there , recovery is just a short distance ahead.

As one final thought for today, I saw this in a fortune cookie once- a message from my Higher Power perhaps?...

Live today that you not be afraid to leave the family parrot to the neighborhood gossip!... I wish you all peace, love and sobriety today!

ARRRGGGHHHH...I have put paragraphs in this post about a thousand times now, they are not saving or publishing for me---- HEEELLLLPPP!

OK rant over now!

TURNING IT OVER...

Daily Reflections:

Every man and woman who has joined AA and intends to stick has , without realizing it, made a beginning to Step Three. Isn't it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous?... Any willing newcomer feels sure AA is the only safe harbor for the foundering vessel he has become. Now if this is not turning one's will and life over to a newfound Providence, then what is it?

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 35

I just cannot believe how often these daily reflections actually pertain to what is happening in my life today! I never really doubted that I had a Higher Power guiding me, although at many points along the way, I would take back the reins time and again! A safe place? Yes indeedy! When I came back to AA after many years of research (see previous posts for results of research- caution, some contents may be offensive to some viewers!), it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders! As soon as I walked through the doors, I felt like I had come home. I have heard many people express these same feelings over the years, and, for the most part, I thought they were on drugs or something!

For a gurl who never really 'fit in' anywhere, to find acceptance in the rooms was a life saver for me. I was greeted with smiles, handshakes, and "Welcome". People told me they were glad I came back. Uh, yeah OK. Not only was I not being thrown out on my butt, people actually seemed HAPPY to see me!!! No, I didn't require them to take any drug tests, but they didn't ask me to 'pee in a cup' either! The more meetings I attended, the more people would welcome me. I have even made some, dare I say, friends in the program. My dance card is not filled every night yet, and my phone isn't constantly ringing off the hook ( unless the Angel is here), but that is only because I have not quite got to that phase of my recovery yet. I know it WILL happen, because so many of the promise HAVE come true for me today.

So in a nut shell, here is what has been going on in my life lately... yesterday I attended another plan of care with CAS, Angel, and one of her care givers from the group home. These plans take place every three to six months to determine what the best plan of care is to be for Angel. Talk about opportunities to "turn it over"! First of all, I got there early, for those who don't know this about me, I am rarely on time, let alone be early for anything! My mom always said that I was born early and have made up for it by being late ever since! The point is, that I didn't fret about having to wait for someone else, I talked to the receptionist to pass the time, and it felt ok. I found out that she is in the program, has been for 24 years, we talked about changing our lives, it was really cool. Before (read when I was still 'out there') I probably would have paced and ranted, general impatience at the injustice of ME having to wait for someone else! Ya think maybe I turned it over?

Next on the agenda... The CAS worker arrived, we had an opportunity to talk alone, about how things were going and what the goals would be for this meeting. At one point, he said that I would need to prepare for the possibility of Angel not coming home to me. I said " I realize that this may be a possibility, however, I am doing the best I can to live in today. There is no point in me going to the worst case scenario, as that would seriously jeapardize my serenity and possibly my sobriety. I have done all I can do to get and stay sober, the rest is not in my hands". Are you hearing what I'M hearing? Yup, MY words, out of MY mouth from MY heart!!! I actually meant it too. The last time I was faced with Angels' thoughts that she may not want to come home, I almost lost it! Thank God for the program, my friends and my cyber-friends, I didn't have to use over it. I am not going THERE today! The CAS worker totally did NOT get this...but that is ok too. I am working my program, and it doesn't matter if HE gets it, just that I GET it! Turn it over, you bet I did!

At the meeting, Angel was in quite a mood, what kind you ask? A 'devilteen mood'...slightly angry, arms crossed, hating school, hating counseling, hating the other losers in the house, not caring, not wanting to be there... and how did I respond you ask? For one thing I didn't take it personally, yeah it hurt to see her hurting, but it was not MY STUFF. I told her I loved her and gave her hugs, and WHAT? Turned it over! I can't do anything to change how Angel is feeling, I can only BE there to support her and offer a shoulder for her to lean on, the rest is up to her!

After the meeting Angel confessed to me that she had used. The thing is, earlier in the week she had called me all upset because apparently one of the gurls in the house got caught with pot, or smoking pot. When questioned she said she got it from Angel. Of course Angel was angry and indignant, " mom, it wasn't mine" she said "I didn't use I swear " she said, " I can't believe that I am being blamed" she said. I suggested that if she hadn't used, and the other gurl was lying, perhaps she could volunteer a drug test, as this would show that she was sincere. But yesterday she told me that , yes, not only did she use, but she was the one who had got the stuff. And how did I deal with this revelation you ask? You guessed it! I turned it over, hey I'm beginning to see a trend here!!! Once again I told Angel I loved her and I hope she will make better choices for herself. I said it was too bad that she felt she had to use, but that I 'got that she felt she had to use' I also said if she needed to talk about it, I could just be an addict, not a mom, for the conversation. I also reminded her that she had a choice today, that counseling might help her to cope better, but again, that was HER choice.

So you see gurls and boys, the program is working for me today, I could not be more grateful. It is so good to realize that by turning it over, going to meetings, and prayer and meditation, even I can stay clean and sober today! Peace, serenity and sobriety to all of you today, I am going to go write in my gratitude book and give myself to God! Then I have some blog-stalking to do, see you soon!