STEP FOUR: MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES

It's kind of neat how my Higher Power is always working in my life! I had a somewhat difficult weekend, it was good in a lot of ways, in that I had yet another opportunity to learn about myself. It was difficult in that before I got to the growing part I had to hurt a little first! Quite typical in the life of an alcoholic, really. Some of us take a little longer to learn the lessons that we need to. I heard Oprah say once that when He sends us a message, He first throws a pebble to get our attention. If we don't get it He throws a rock. If we still don't get it He'll roll a boulder over us, and if that doesn't get our attention, we may just find a mountain on top of our house!!

That is what my life is often like! I'm just a little slower than average, as I've shared with you before. I've been struggling with some kind of bug that has invaded my body and refuses to leave, that being said, most 'earthlings' would take better care of themselves. You know like warm bubble baths or calling friends to remind them that they'll soon be well, generally just doing things that will make them feel better. For me, feeling better starts with going to my meetings. Feeling sick is not reason enough to miss one. A snow storm does not justify staying home. Not even the death of a loved one would be an acceptable reason to not hit a meeting, you probably think I'm nuts right? Well let me tell you why I'm not!

I have been reminiscing lately I guess. You see even though alot of bad shit happened as a result of my addictions, there is still a part of me that struggles to deal with life without using. Part of the reason I'm sure, is the fact that I will soon celebrate six months clean and sober. A miracle really, considering how far down into Hell I was this time last year. But I am not alone in that whenever something good happens in my life, I wait for the other shoe to drop, so-to-speak. If nothing terrible happens as a result of my success I will often do something to sabotage it myself. WHY? Because I am an alcoholic. And we all know what a horrible person I really am, and Lord knows that I don't deserve the good things in life that most 'earthlings' come to expect for themselves. And if you should happen to think maybe I am O.K. I would be terrified that you might find out that I really sport horns and a tail!

I know this all sounds totally messed up doesn't it ? But let me explain. A typical alcoholic uses to avoid feeling. If we're feeling bad we use to dull the pain, if we're feeling good we use to enhance the joy, basically, there is not a feeling that (in our minds) cannot be made 'better' with the application of massive quantities of alcohol. Alot of us live in constant fear, which of course is another great reason to drink, Fear of people, fear of places, fear of new things. Yes we are often chronically afflicted with fear. Just because we have given up our drug(s) of choice does not mean that our lives will instantly be transformed into " It's A Wonderful Life" mode. Nope, it seems the absense of alcohol means the beginning of feelings, just the stuff we worked so hard to avoid all of our lives.

At first sobriety brings a lot of gratitude into a life. The gratitude part is essential for recovery, it reminds us to not take for granted the many blessings in our life every single day. It will be heard again and again at meetings all over the world. We have to remember to be grateful for the chance at a new life that we have been given. And I truly am, it's just that I've been sick and feeling a little run down, and not going to as many meetings as I need to. As a result of this and my impending achievement, many of my character defects have been making an appearance in my daily life. It's like the pebble turned to mountain thing, in behavioral form, the worst of the lushgurl in living colour, and a pretty picture it was not!!!

So on Friday my plans with a friend were cancelled as I was 'ditched' for something better. So I felt hurt and rejected but instead of going out to a meeting, so that maybe I wouldn't stay in the hurt, I chose to stay home and feel miserable. On Saturday Devilteen and I had an arguement. Fairly normal when you are the parent of a teenager, but I ran with the anger and almost sent her back to 'the place where she lives today'. We made up and played some scrabble, and she kicked my ass, which reminded me what a loser I was, so I threw a hissy fit. Way to be mature MOM! For whatever reason at that moment I chose to check the time (thinking secretly in my mind that this weekend could not end soon enough for me). Well the strangest thing happened as I noticed it was just barely 7:00, it occured to me that I had not been to a meeting all week. Could it just be a coincidence that I am filled with envy and self pity and crabby to boot? WE THINK NOT!!!

Well the bottom line is that I got my ass to a meeting, with Devilteen in tow, and yet another surprise, the discussion that night was Step Four! So there you have it. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND MY NAME IS LUSHGURL! I believe that nothing in God's world happens by mistake, yes we are given free will to choose our path, but wherever we go, for better or worse, there are lessons to be learned. Today I am SO grateful to be an alcoholic because that means that I have a program to teach me how to live. Not just existing, I mean having a good life with people that truly care about me and a place to go (other than the liquor store) when I'm feeling somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin. I have what many before me never had the chance to experience... A clean and sober life, a chance at a better future and a Higher Power who loves me enough to show me the way to feel better. One Day At A Time. Thanks for listening!