I THINK I'LL EAT CROW NOW

Many newcomers, having experienced little but constant deflation, feel a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become persuaded, sometimes rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered only by the individual's will.
However, there are certain things which the individual alone can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can then make the decision to exert himself along spiritual lines. Trying to do this is actually an act of his own will. It is a right use of this faculty.
Indeed, all of AA's Twelve Steps require the sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

This above reading was taken from As Bill Sees It, randomly opening the book. As I have been dealing with many issues lately concerning MY will, I know that it is no accident that I found this passage this morning! This week has been another two steps forward, one step back, one step up and two steps down... It is by God's will that I received a letter from Disability Support to let me know that I would not be receiving a cheque from them at the end of November, due to the fact that they did not receive any income statements for the month of October. I actually did submit the paperwork, but only for a week and a half of work- due to my own will, my Boss had chosen to not give me any hours after that. Yes, you heard it here folks, and it is true, that had I been able to just do as I was told, I probably would have been working all along! Have I mentioned that occasionally, very rarely-hahahaha- I do tend to exert my own will at inappropriate times? My will brought me into my old place of work to ask Boss man to write me a letter to the effect that I had not worked since the middle of October therefore there was no income to report. My will also asked the Boss what I could have done better at my job. My will also pointed out that he still had the 'Help Wanted' sign in the window, and that I loved working there and, and, and... Maybe His will got Boss man to give me another chance, and offer me two five hours shifts a week?

Boss Man's wife was in the Deli on Thursday to help out, and we had a very enlightening conversation... She pointed out that Boss man was very quiet, but missed nothing. He would tell someone what had to be done and then watch to see if they did it- did I mention that on more that one occasion I made the sandwiches with more meat than I was told? Did I mention that when it was being pointed out to me that I was not following directions I would pull a hissy fit and go out for a smoke? Ah yup, it would seem that exerting my own will at a place of business that I do not own, is not the right use of this faculty for me!!! I believe it was His will that brought Boss man's wife to the store that day, she pointed out to me many things that I was doing right (and I really needed to hear that), and she gave me many pointers on things that I could do better (and I really needed to hear that too!) So on Thursday, I took the cotton out of my ears, and shoved it in my big mouth, and things went quite well for me- amazing how that works!

On Wednesday night my HP showed me how I looked when I exerted my own will- through the actions of my daughter- did I mention that she really IS a lot like me? AAngel does not like to be told what to do , as a matter of fact, when she was still quite young, someone(?) taught her it was OK to say "no" to people! Of course, she still had to learn that it was not always OK to say no, and that sometimes it was just not appropriate to say no at all! Being the child of two alcoholic parents, AAngel was not always shown the right way to handle situations, or people. And being the child of an alcoholic mom who constantly allowed people to mistreat her, what do you think AAngel learned how to do? It has taken me many years to learn how to value myself enough to not allow any abuse in my life, but AAngel was not here for the years that I was learning this. Now that she is back, there are times when she is disrespectful-downright rude- and sometimes even abusive. There have also been times when she has taken her anger out on me in a physical assault. That is what happened on Wednesday night.

In retrospect, I could have done things a whole lot differently, but what happened was, we were having a diagreement, and AAngel began to verbally assault me, name calling that I would not even say to my worst enemy. When I told her that her behaviour was not acceptable, she told me to shut up. And I couldn't let it go- then she told me to shut the F up- shut my F-ing mouth and that's when I lost it. I slapped her face telling her that I would not tolerate her disrespect of me, and she, in turn lost her temper as well. It turned into a full fledged wailing on the mommy. I managed to call 911 while I was being physically attacked, and AAngel has not been home since. The police came and after making sure she had a safe place to stay for the night, they told her not to come back here. I get that I have not been the best role model for my daughter. I get that she is very angry about my relapse and all the subsequent disruptions in her life. I get that she's a teenager and is supposed to push boundaries and test limits. I just don't get how I can show her I love her and teach her the right things to do when I still have so much to learn myself. Today I am going to pray for the willingness to do better, and to know what His will is for me. I will also pray to remain teachable! How about you?

HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH...

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to have some choices to make
• to be clean and sober despite my own will
• that I really do know the next right thing to do
• that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
• that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
• that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
• to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
• I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
• some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
• I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

AND THERE SHE WAS GONE...

Hmmmmph!!! I have been sick the last couple of weeks, feelin' better now, but let me tell you, in Lushgurls' world when it rains, it POURS ! So let me catch you all up, and at the risk of bein' a lyin' little lyin' liar, I dare say, I will then be by to begin stalking to y'all....

.... So about three weeks ago I was coming down with a cold, no biggie really, but then my ear started doin' freaky things like popping and leaking. Well I did what any mother/alcoholic would do and ignored the problem hoping it would go away on its own- to no avail. When I woke up on the Monday I was feeling much like a survivor that a very large truck had run over, only worse, so I called boss man to ask if he could get other deli gurl to come in an hour early so that I could get to a doctor. He suggested that I take the day off. Heck, he said "I have hired a full-time cook and I'll be changing the scheduale, I will only need you on Wednesdays from 2:00 til 6:00". I was not impressed. Suffice it to say that although I was grateful to not have to work at all that day, I was disappointed that my hours were seeming to be cut so drastically, left with a shift that I would find it difficult to manage, as Wednesday is my aftercare/AA meeting night. So I did what any cranky, sickly, alcoholic would do and I pulled a hissy fit, then I hung up on boss man, then I cried , no, sobbed really. The following Wednesday, I showed up to work as if nothing had happened, making sure to glare at new-full-time-cook-guy as I waited to speak to boss man. When he had a moment, he told me (boss man, not new-guy) that he had not yet made up the new scheduale, and he didn't need me that day.... I have not worked since. WHAT THE HECK?? I have been into the store on several occasions since then, and as of yet have not received my new hours, and so it may seem that I am once again un-employed, go figure!

It has now been three whole weeks of not working and I don't like it one bit! Now that we have changed the clocks again, it is even harder for me with less sun light and in anticipation of a creeping depression, I have begun to go to many more meetings- five last week. I have also rewritten my resume and started l00king for yet another job, I have already applied at Starbucks and will be calling another Deli/Market that has recently opened in my nieghborhood, so hopefully I will not feel the need to whine at y'all about not working again!

So much has been going on with Dev- I mean AAngel too! She is definately a self-willed teenager at her best(?)... She likes to come and go as she pleases with little regard for curfews. AAngel recently told the Vice-Principal at her school that she really only went there to socialize, and to make her point, she regularly makes it in to school by noon!!! I have been resisting the urge to wrap my hands around her tiny little neck, telling her instead that I love her anyways and that her 'primary purpose' today is to get an education. After school, she has a part-time job, and after that if there is time left over she can socialize, but who am I kidding? She IS after all 16, and the child of two alcoholic parents, and MY spawn, so it seems that my darling daughter may hafta find her own path in the most difficult way possible- I have decided to turn her over to God- at least then she may have a fighting chance!

Today would have been my fathers 77th birthday, I hope he is peacefully resting with Our Father today, and I dedicate this Daily Reflection reading to him...

This...has to do with the quality of faith... In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves.... We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done"

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 32

God does not grant me material possessions, take away my suffering, or spare me from disasters, but He does give me a good life, the ability to cope and peace of mind. My prayers are simple: first , I express my gratitude for the good things in my life regardless of how hard I have to search for them; and second, I ask only for the strength and the wisdom to do His will. He answers with solutions to my problems, sustaining my ability to live through my daily frustrations with a serenity I did not believe existed, and with the strength to practice the principles of AA in all of my everyday affairs.

And with that all I have to say is- READY OR NOT- HERE I COME