HA HA HA HA HA HA WAAAAH...

Occasionally... We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 105

Sometimes I scream and stomp my feet, and turn my back on my Higher Power. Then my disease tells me that I am a failure, and that if I stay angry I'll surely get drunk. In those moments of self-will it's as if I've slipped over a cliff and am hanging by one hand. The above passage is my safety net, in that it urges me to try some new behaviour, such as being kind and patient with myself. It assures me that my Higher Power will wait until I am willing once again to risk letting go, to land in the net and pray.

All righty then! Once again I am struck by the insanity that my disease wields over me when I am choosing to run the show. Nobody told me that I was in charge, as a matter of fact, my sponsor often tells me that I am not the boss of anything! But still, being self-willed in the extreme, I get the idea in my head that just maybe this time, I can do better! No, I haven't drank or used any other drug, I have however been binging on ice cream and other things like chocolate- me, powerless? Ah yup, that would be affirmative there... And so the saga continues, lil ol' Lushgurl takes her will back, same old sh*t, different day, and presto chango, she is once again near drowning in a sea of her own making. I have though recently heard something that made me feel somewhat better. In a world where I am so small and powerless over people, places and things, I actually do still have choices. For example : I can, if I want, choose to pick up that first drink or drug. Of course once I have done that, it is no longer a choice for I will be right back to where I was before I stopped using on June 2, 2006. But still, it is MY choice initially. Today I am choosing to remain clean and sober. Today I am choosing to do the next right thing, starting with prayer and meditation. Today I will choose to not throttle my daughter whenever she decides to get up for the day... There, I am starting to feel better all ready!!!

So in keeping with what I know has worked for me in the past, I share now my gratitude list for today, I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to have some choices to make
• to be clean and sober despite my own will
• that I really do know the next right thing to do
• that no one cancelled my little bloggy when I went MIA
• that I am the mom of a teenager, and still alive to talk about it
• that my teenager is still alive to talk about me- LOL
• to have feelings that remind me that alas, I am only human after all
• I still have y'all on my links list- bwahahahaha!
• some days are better than others and " This too, shall pass"
• I have everything I need today, and then some

Happy Sunday folks!

HEY, REMEMBER ME?

Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

• for this gift of sobriety
• to have found a job I love
• that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
• for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
• to have everything I need and enough to share too
• I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
• to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER ONE YEAR!

Awww MAN...no more applause, no more gettin' up to collect another chip of pretty colours, no more cake...bittersweet, sad, and very freakin' thankful, now that my first celebration is done!!! I was having a day big time yesterday. Emotions were rolling like a coaster! I went from the poor mes to the "I don't care to celebrate today" to WOW, all these prizes, for ME? Looking back to other first medallion nights for me was an awakening of sorts. I have often said that this is my third and hopefully my last one year. I do know that I have never worked so hard to get any kind of self before, I just pray that I can remember to keep my program focused on TODAY for all of the days to come. Various people shared their views of me when I first came back, and I warned them all, if you can't say something nice... but for me the concensus seemed to be that I had changed! ME, different! Figure that one out! Was I EVER not in a good mood (don't hurt yourself ROFLAO) did I ever give the impression that I wasn't in this for ME? Am I getting a tattoo of Eeyore on my big old butt for my belly button day? Yes, yes and yes!!!

It really is a miracle when He can pluck the likes of me from the depths of depression and hopelessness and despair and plunk me serenely down in a new reality. It is for me a reality of enormous gratitude and noticing all of the good things in life. It is for me a reality filled with loving people, a sponsor who calls me almost everyday, and a child who said " My name is AAngel, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic yet!". she shared how she has seen me relapse in the past, but that she believed this time was for real. She said she was proud of me and that she loved me (in public even!) She read the promises for us last night and I was so proud to share this celebration with her. After the meeting I gave her my second one year medallion to hold on to, I was 6 months pregnant with her at that time.

And so for today, here is the Daily Reflection, and once again, I'm sure my HP will have an appropriate message for all of us...

First we try living in the now just in order to stay sober- and it works. Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is an effective and satisfying way to handle many other matters as well.
Living Sober pg. 7

"One Day At A Time". To a newcomer this and other one-liners of AA may seem ridiculous. The passwords of the AA fellowship can become lifelines in moments of stress. Each day can be like a rose unfurling according to the plan of a Power greater than myself. My program should be planted in the right location, just as it will need to be groomed, nourished, and protected from disease. My planting will require patience, and my realizing that some floweres will be more perfect than others. Each stage of the petals' unfolding can bring wonder and delight if I do not interfere or let my expectations override my acceptance- and this brings serenity.

So with that, all my fellows, I am going to watch new petals unfurl in my garden, without interfering, and have a better day than yesterday...Hope you all have one too!

TOLERANCE, ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

Hey there people! I survived my shopping trip with Angel, her friend ended up cancelling at the last minute, so it was just me and my baby. Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. In the group home, each gurl is given $500.00 once a year for clothing, so Angel had half of that with her. I learned a lot about me during our travels! For one thing, I am no longer jealous about all the teeny tiny little gurls running around out there! Angel is a perfect little size 6, which would be a size 4 in American! I noticed when she was trying on clothes, that she had no qualms about it, she chose things that she liked, after asking my opinion. I also found out that I missed that most fun part of being a teenager. For me, clothes shopping is always, shall we say, traumatic? I have a very skewed self image, indeed to the point that, what I see, is often so distorted, that I cannot rely on my own judgement. So for me, the shopping brought up some old feelings, and that is really no surprise, as I am staying clean and sober. My sh*tty committee is trying to sabotage me by challenging my worthiness, through my body image. Thank God, I have a counsellor who knows me so well. We spent yesterday, helping to get me back on a good track.

Here is today's Daily Reflection reading, and as usual, it speaks to me about self acceptance...

The only requirment for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 139

I first heard the short form of the Third Tradition in the Preamble. When I came to AA, I could not accept myself, my alcoholism, or a Higher Power. If there had been any physical, mental, moral or religious requirements for membership, I would be dead today. Bill W. said in his tape that the Third Tradition is a charter for individual freedom. The most impressive thing to me is the feeling of acceptance from members who were practicing the Third tradition by tolerating and accepting me. I feel acceptance is love and love is God's will for us.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• my feelings are nor facts
• I can be happy for someone else's good fortune
• shopping with a teenager can be a character building experience for me
• I have more new blooms in my garden today
• my "Boys" won against the Yankees last night
• once I have accepted something, it no longer holds me prisoner
• I am learning to love my body, one part at a time- I have cute little feeties!
• Angel has decided to come back home to momma!
• I have a safe place to lay my head at night
• if my day sucks, I can start it over
• to learn that love for self and others does not have to hurt anyone
• to be clean and sober today
• all of my fellow bloggers, yes, that means YOU!

Off to take pictures of my garden/jungle... If ya want to view my slideshow, click on view all images... Stalk to ya soon...

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES

Just thought I'd share some more of my garden with you all, these are purple and yellow irises. I wish you could see them in real life, but hope you get how pretty they are! It is hAAlf nAAked Thursday, and it seems I began my preparation yesterday. Gawd, I felt so nAAked and exposed, but it felt good to be able to 'bare' my heart and soul to you. I continued to share my woes at Relapse Prevention group and again at the Rainbow Group. I feel lighter today, and I see my counsellor later....WHEW! Last night I was lucky enough to have a new(er)comer come up to me after the meeting. I had mentioned that my butt would be sitting at the Womens; group tonight, who knows, I may find a new sponsor, or at the very least, get some more phone numbers for my tool box. So shewas saying how she felt kind of at odds because she had the least amount of sobriety in the group, I quickly reminded her that all any of us had was today. No matter if we 'have thirty years, thirty days or thirty minutes, we are all only an arms' length away from that first drink. I think it is important to remember that. Then. before I could stop it, my big mouth blurted out "I'll see ya tomorrow at the womans' Group"... crap, now I've made a committment...thanks HP!!!

Here is today's Daily Reflection's reading... as soon as I opened the book and saw it, I knew I would be OK, the title today is "Happy, Joyous and Free", what are the chances? This is exactly what I have asked to be inscribed on my one year medallion...

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery, God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 133

For years I believed in a punishing God and blamed Him for my misery. I have learned that I must lay down the "weapons" of self in order to pick up the "tools" of the AA program . I do not struggle with the program because it is a gift and I have never struggled when receiving a gift. If I sometimes keep on struggling, it is because I'm still hanging onto my old ideas and..." the results are nil."

You see I have never doubted in a God of my own understanding, but many times I have been too busy listening to the sh*tty committee in my head that I am unable to hear Him speak to me. I was so touched last night by the outpouring of love and support to yesterday's post. I had been in so much pain, but when I read all of your comments, I broke down in tears of gratitude. I felt loved and accepted, and fully a part of this wonderful AA world - thank you all so much for showing me just how this program works everyday. Here is what I am grateful for today..

• I was able to post to HNT for the second time!


• the cleansing tears that I have shed


• for all of the support I have in my 'real' life and my 'blog' life


• I am one day closer to my 365 days of being clean and sober


• the road I walk upon is always changing for the better


• we are not alone in our trAAvels


• someday, I feel, I will be able to HUG some of you in person


• today is going to be another good day, because I choose it to be


• I was able to set a boundary with Angel and stick to it


• I want to take care of me today- what a change !


• for each and every one of my 'true friends' in blogland- yes that means YOU

It's gonna be very hot here today, I might have to spend my day hAAlf nAAked... for more hAAlf nAAked fun go here: http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

HEY.... WHERE'D THE WEEK GO?

In usual Lushgurl form, I have managed to sleep away, the week so far! I am not about to beat myself up for it this time though, ya see, things are still getting better in my world! I did manage to make some phone calls earlier in the week. I am caught up on most of my housework, and I have been out to take some pics of my growing garden, so all in all, the whole week was not lost. In case anybody hasn't noticed this about me, I hafta figure out why I do the things I do. I've always been kind of analytical like that. So I do know that part of the reason for my sleep fest is that it has been raining all week so far. I think another reason I've been sleeping is that we are fast approaching my one year anniversary, and in my determination to get there, I want to not leave any room for F-ups! I have been known to be the Queen of Sabotage in the past, so I figure " How much trouble can I actually get into if I'm sleeping! " Today is back to life day though. Thankfully, I see my therapist, later today and I have my relapse prevention group tonight, and after that, I have a date with my mom! Busy, busy, busy!

In today's Daily Reflection's it talks about forgiveness, and I am constantly amazed to find that I have been able to forgive myself, as well as many other people for being human, making mistakes. That is one of the gifts that this program has given me today...

Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisors that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it, too.

What a great feeling forgiveness is! What a revelation about my emotional, psychological and spiritual nature. All it takes is willingness to forgive; God will do the rest.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• that I am clean and sober today
• all of the rain that has brought new blooms to my garden
• tomorrow will be my first official HNT post
• I have been able to forgive my mom, and become friends with her today
• this week I have gotten lots of 'beauty sleep', so I should be OK to face the world!
• my Angel trimmed my hair on the weekend- it felt great to lose some dead ends
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• all of my sober blogging buddies- that means YOU
• my HP decided to wake me up today

I will see you all half naked tomorrow! Bye for now!!

THE EASIER SOFTER WAY

That is the title of today's Daily Reflections' reading, let's see if any of it relates to me or you...

If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 72

I certainly didn't leap at the opportunity to face who I was, especially when the pains of my drinking days hung over me like a dark cloud. But I soon heard at the meetings about the fellow members who just didn't want to take Step Five and kept coming back to meetings, trembling from the horrors of reliving his past. The easier, softer way is to take these Steps to freedom from our fatal disease, and to put our faith in the fellowship and our Higher Power.

Yup, this works for me! I have often shared in the rooms, how I have found AA to be the easier, softer way. When I think back to all the creative ways I found to avoid myself, my feelings, my actions, and how much more pain I would cause for myself and all the people around me, I know that MY way wasn't working very well at all. Today I feel so much freer, I have faith that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at the time to face myself and my defects of character, it will never be as bad as it could be to avoid them. All of the covering up, the back peddling in a vain attempt to save face. All of the remorseful thoughts, the "really wish I hadn't done , said or thought that". WOW, way too much work for me! Today I am lucky to have all of the experiences of my past failures, the lessons I can learn from them, and the other members of the program to help and guide me. Of course I also have a loving and patient God who gently reminds me that I don't have to hurt me to learn from my mistakes.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I have found an easier , softer way of life
• there are many people I can call to share my doubts and fears with
• my HP never gave up on trying to lead me to where I am today
• I got to spend Mother's Day with my Angel, and share my love with her
• today is another wonderful sunny day
• I have even more stuff blooming in my garden
• Today I can choose to NOT have a "whinefest"
• if I am tired, I can rest
• if I am sad I can cry
• if I am happy I can share my happiness with others
• all of my clean and sober friends who walk the path with me...that means YOU
• my sponsor , who shares all of her E, S and H with me
• A soft place to fall, and a gentle nudge to help me up again

Happy Monday to all today!