hAAppy hAAlf nAAked birthdAAy!

Today my AAngel is sweet 16, the tee-shirt was given to her by the gurls in the group home, they all signed it, so it will be a great keepsake of her friends! The third picture is of AAngel taking time to smell the flowers. This particular asian lily had its' very first bloom today, ever neat huh?

To see some more hAAlf nAAked fun, visit my friends here... http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I'll be by to stalk to you guys later, we are going shopping and then out for dinner with my mom and one of her sisters who is visiting from Nova Scotia!

LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us... We were trying to find emotional security either by domination of by being dependant upon others... We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependance.
As Bill Sees It pg. 252

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.

(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• I am clean and sober today
• even though there were some rough spots on the weekend "I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me"
• we didn't get the thunder storm that was predicted last night
• I was able to share the new growth in my garden with all my favorite peeps
• my Blue Jays trounced the Red Sox last night-go Jays!
• Trampcat always loves to cuddle with me, and she purrs when I just 'talk' to her
• Toughboy goes out every night to 'tom' but comes home to mommy every morning
• I spoke to someone who works at the outdoor market yesterday, and he's going to talk to my former boss to get me hired this year
• I watch Ellen Degeneres every morning and I still laugh without being stoned or drunk
• my lovely and safe home
• all of my wonderful cyber-friends...yes this means YOU
• my Higher Power loved me when I couldn't love myself

I hope everyone has the best day EVER, I think I'll have one myself! Love and HUGS to all today...

A PEACEFUL SUNDAY

AA Thought for the Day

By having quiet times each morning, we come to depend on God's help during the day, especially if we should be tempted to take a drink. And we can honestly thank Him each night for the strength He has given us. By listening to other members, by working with other alcoholics, by times of quiet meditation, our faith in God gradually becomes strong. Have I turned my drink problem entirely over to God, without reservations?

from 24 Hours a Day

I am noticing each day how much easier it is for me to keep turning it over. I was at a closed discussion meeting last week, a womens' meeting. We were reading and talking about Step one. It was a great meeting, one that I had joined in my quest to develop new and healthy relationships with women in recovery. There was really good and honest sharing going on, stuff I could certainly relate to. One woman shared how much work it was for her to feed her daily habit. As a mother with two children under the age of four, in the winter her quest for her DOC's would involve dressing two kids in their winter stuff, putting one child in a car seat , the other in a booster seat, driving to the liquor store, taking child A out of the booster seat, getting the stroller out for child B who had fallen asleep in the car, and putting child B into the stroller without waking him up! Going into the liquor store ( for less than five minutes) then doing every thing in reverse order to get back home again! Of course this was a daily routine, can you imagine the insanity of it all? I know you can!

There was another woman who I had seen get her two month chip, actually it was not that long ago. She shared about how she had been struggling lately and that she had planned to pick up a three month chip that evening, but something in the readings had caused an awakening of sorts within her. This woman had actually drank on one night and realized that even though she really wanted that three month chip, she hadn't reaaly earned it. At the end of the meeting she picked up another desire chip. I for one was very grateful that she had the courage to share about her slip and also to begin a new, honest program for herself. It showed all of us how important honesty is in the program.

A third woman , who I have seen at a few meetings, shared too. I am still trying to figure out how I felt about what she had to say. I know that when something 'sticks in my craw', it is because there is something about that person or situation, that I need to look at in myself. I am hoping by writing and sharing with you today I can figure out the lesson that is here for me to learn... This woman has been sober for just over three years (wow, amazing, I hope I will get there, I think to myself). She said how when she first entered the program she would tell everyone "I am an alcoholic!". As we all know, sometimes this information is probably better when kept to 'safe' people , as not all of the world is as accepting of us as we are! I kind of know what this is like though, in my first attempt at recovery, I told everyone, I think in part 'cause I needed somehow, to come to terms with my new identity. Today I share with some and not with others, it depends on the situation and who the person is.

This young woman had a lot of stuff going on in her life. She attends university, she has two jobs, she has a social life, you know a lot of balanced living stuff. I liked what she had and it appeared that she was working a good program. Then she said that she lived with her parents and had not told them that she was an alcoholic! OK, I am not judging (or am I?) but I just didn't get this! She said her parents were very conservative and that they just wouldn't understand how their daughter could be one of us. But then she said she thought maybe she hadn't told her parents because she felt shame by admitting she was an alcoholc. I guess I can kind of understand this, but I so don't feel that way today. The thing is, for me, if I were living with my parents I think I would feel dishonest in a way by not telling them what a big part AA was playing in my life.

When I shared I read the part of Step one that says "....first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by an allergy that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process..." So many parts of my alcoholic life were as insane as this. Like I kind of thought that nobody really knew how bad my drinking was, yeah OK!!! Everyone shows up at work with unexplainable bruises and black eyes! People at the liquor store knew my name and what I drank and even suggested new products that they thought I might enjoy! Who hasn't hit the ATM at two in the morning because they have run out of money and need more to buy more (drugs). INSANITY? I would say so!!! Oh and having my child removed from my care and continuing to drink everyday for months afterwards, if that doesn't reek of insanity then I don't know what insanity is!

For me, I don't always want to be honest, I mean if I was wrong about something I don't always want to say "I was wrong" or if I have hurt someone by my words or actions, I don't always want to admit it and ask how I could make amends. But my program teaches me to Be honest and to MAKE amends to all persons I have harmed, and if I am unwilling to do this I need to PRAY for willingness and guidance, and if I do not do these things, I know that I will drink again! Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn from this, to not be judgemental and just focus on what I need to do for me today. I shared that I am not proud necessarily to be an alcoholic, but I am definately NOT ashamed. I am so grateful that I have a program that teaches me how to live (a better and more honest life). There are a lot of 'earthlings' out there who would probably benefit greatly if they were lucky enough to be alcoholic, 'cause then they too would have a program to help fight off insanity! After the meeting a woman who had many years in the program came to me and thanked me for sharing, ME, she thanked ME! She said it was good to not be ashamed and also grateful to be an alcoholic.

It is a gorgeous and sunny day out today, and we are having a heat wave of OVER O degrees celcius (that would be 32 in farenheit, probably the only conversion I can make accurately!). I think I am going to wake my Angel up and go enjoy some fresh air and excersise. I plan to have a great day today and unless you've made other plans, I hope you too have a great day! Later all.