MISS YOU ALL...

I have been so busy, so here is a quick update...

• workin' hard
• still clean and sober
• happy
• grateful for the day
• miss you guys, will come by soon
• wish you all a great day
• gotta go, running late!
  
  

YOU ASKED FOR IT...

OK, stop the darned whining already! Some of you have asked for more picture from my garden and lucky for you, I feel charitable today! So, if you'd like, follow me on a mini-tour... The first pic is a shot from the back of my yard, if you are looking at the garden slide show I have, this would be "in the corner". The second picture would be "around the corner". A little farther down are some of my phlox, through the years I have cut and shared many of my plants, but not my phlox. They are my absolute favorites and smell very much like lilacs. Next are a couple of pictures of some brand new asian lilies that have just bloomed. I planted them last fall so I was really excited when they bloomed this year. Once again I give you some more yellow asians with red centers, and last but not least, some giant yellow speckled asians! I hope that has fulfilled your garden fix for now, but I will post more as they become available!

I spent Sunday at the Mavens' house again, where I got to finish garden #1 and then I planted garden #2, which, by the way, seems to be everybody's favorite so far! I am hoping that she will get some time this week to post some pictures, as I am quite proud of the work I've done so far.

I haven't posted Daily Reflections for a bit, so here it is...

In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life. But this admission price has purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.75

It was painful to give up trying to control my life even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape. Accepting life on life's terms, will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him. With my life in God's care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of my life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through those times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.

I hope this Monday brings beauty, serenity and peace to you all, in preparation for a great week to come...

I AM YOUR DISEASE

I am inspired to post today by my friend Clarity Case. If you have a moment drop by and give her a hello, she is struggling today http://claritycase.blogspot.com/

I hate meetings, I hate a higher power, I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish death and suffering. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the disease alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I'm pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I'm your friend and lover. I have given comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die didn't you call me? I love to make you hurt. I make you so numb you can neither hurt or cry. You can't feel anything at all. I will give you instant gratification, and all I ask of you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always, when things things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you don't deserve these good things in life. People don't take me seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be possible. I'm such a hated disease , and yet I don't come uninvited. so many have chosen me over reality and peace. More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program, your meetings, your Higher Power-all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here......And until we meet again, if we ever meet again, I wish you death and suffering. You got me before, but not anymore, so I'll make this rhyme, one day at a time.

I had received this letter in an e-mail and saved it because it really spoke to me. I felt as if I was really hearing alcohol and drugs voicing the words I had only thought of before. When I'm having crappy days, full of self-loathing and feeling discontented, my counsellor tells me it is my inner addict trying to get back into my life. My inner addict does not want me to succeed in life, 'cause then it has no control over me. When I stay clean and sober my disease loses its' foothold. When I go to meetings and share my experience, strength and hope with others, my disease, and your disease grow weaker. So I hope you all remain clean and sober today, all of us together have a stronger army than our disease ever could dream of having.

Today I am very grateful for the following...

• another day of clean and sober living
• to be getting along well with AAngel
• we are going to visit a friend tomorrow, and I will get to play in her garden
• to have everything I need, and some to share too
• that I am beginning to know how to handle situations which used to baffle me
• for all of the love I feel when I visit your bloggy's
• for being able to accept me today- just the way I am
• my two kitties and my budgie bird, who keep me company when AAngel is not here
• that I am able to grow a garden, and share it with others
• YOU and you and YoU too!!!

SERENE ON SUNDAY

"Deep down within us"... We found the Great Reality. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found...search diligently within yourself.... With this attitude you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 55

It was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of AA. As I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of the healing that recovery offers through the AA program. By coming to meetings, staying sober , and taking the Steps, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness in the depths of my soul. Daily I waited, in hope and gratitude, for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life. I met my God, as I understand Him.

That is the Daily Reflection reading for today, and I am loving it. I find that it so accurately reflects alot of the emotions that I have been feeling the last week or so. Although I can honestly say that I was not in the depths of depression or despair, I well remember feeling that way not so very long ago. Last week I was feeling lonely though, and thanks to my meetings and my blogger friends, it did pass. All the hecticness passed too. The speaker I heard on Friday night had such a powerful message, and I felt my head going like a bobble-head doll as she spoke of all the terrible feelings that were in her life. She shared how the drinking at first would make the feelings go away, and then they'd come back even stronger, mixed with remorse and regret and guilt, and she would drink even more to erase them. The feelings of uselessness, and wanting to die and just not wanting to be....anymore.

I liked how she shared of her first AA meeting, and how she thought "these people actually know what I'm feeling". How true I find this to be. We may all look different on the outsides, we come from various financial backgrounds, we can be found all over the world, speaking hundreds of languages. But when a willing alcoholic open their heart to learn how to live again, they usually feel as if they have come home... at least thet is how it was for me. The speaker went on to tell how she learned to trust, and to love and to find a Power greater than herself. She spoke at length about all of the gifts the program gave her, and of all of the friends she has made. It was a message of hope, to hear about where she started and where she ended up. To know this beautiful, brave young woman today one has to have faith in this wonderful program.

Today I am grateful for the following...

• to be clean and sober...and even happy
• to have a great weekend of love and sharing with AAngel
• the Maven and her strength to have 16 years sober
• all of the flowers that God has helped me to grow
• to know that I meet the requirements for AA membership
• to be at peace today
• to look forward to tomorrow
• for my safe and loving home
• to have spoken to my sponsor, who gave me 'homework' and I have no resentments!
• for all of AA, all over the world
• each and every single one of YOU...

Stalk to ya later y'all! Oh and before I forget...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I SUCK AT PICTURE TAKING!

Although my pictures leave much to be desired, I still want to share my garden with you all! Thank goodness I have a green thumb, because I'd never make it as a photographer! On that note, here is today's reading from 24 Hours a Day...

We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking, we wre absolutely selfish, that it does us good to give up something once in a while. Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us. At first, giving up liquor is a big enough job for all of us, even with God's help. But later on, we can practice self-discipline in other ways, to keep a firm grip on our minds so that we don't start any wishful thinking, If we daydream too much, we'll be in danger of slipping. Am I practicing enough self-discipline?

In material things, you must rely on your own wisdom and that of others. In spiritual things, you cannot rely so much on your own wisdom as on God's guidance. In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own. You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships. You cannot accomplish too much of value in dealing with people until God knows you are ready. You alone do not have the power or the wisdom to put things right between people. You must rely on God to help you in these vital matters.

I pray that I may rely on God in dealing with people's problems. I pray that I may try to follow His guidance in all personal relationships.

For me this is so true. Left to my own devices, I can leave a wake of destruction in my path. When I first moved to Toronto, newly out of treatment, some of my friends (who, by the way, were all guys), used to call me a little tornado. It seemed that I had a way of stopping by long enough to have someone (fall in) love me, and then I'd move on. I see now how very selfish I was then. I did not mean for people to get hurt, but I hurt them anyways. I know now how very insecure I really was. I had just broken up with my husband of seven months- so much for "better or worse". At that point in my life, I was feeling so unlovable, so I looked for the love 'out of me'. By the time I got back to recovery THIS time, I had been engaged five times and married once! Wow, talk about needing validation from other people! Today I love me, although there are still days when I love me less, I only need to listen to my HP, to know that I am loved, and not search for that love through others. I think this reading is appropriate in that, I do need guidance in learning to live with, and deal with people in my life.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• although I suck at taking pictures, I can still share my garden!
• I am clean and sober today
• I am willing to learn and grow- even if sometimes it is painful to me
• I do not wish bad things for anyone today
• living in the solution feels much better than living in the problem
• if I am open and honest, He can use me to carry the message
• I am able to love people for who they are, not what they can give me
• I am able to love myself for who I am
• it is Wed. , that means I have my relapse prevention group and the Rainbow AA group
• all of my blogging buddies...that means YOU
• everywhere I look, there is beauty to be seen

I wish everyone a great day today, and one for me too!

MORE SPRING BLOOMS ON A BRAND NEW DAY

Ironically. todays' Daily Reflections reading is entitled "A resting place"...

All of AA's Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires...they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Step Five. But scarecly any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.55

After writing down my character defects, I was unwilling to talk about them, and decided it was time to stop carrying this burden alone. I needed to confess those defects to someone else. I had read-and been told- I could not stay sober unless I did. Step Five provided me with a feeling of belonging, with humility and serenity when I practiced it in my daily living. It was important to admit my defects of character in the order presented in Step Five: "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being." Admitting to God first paved the way for admission to myself and to another person. As the taking of the Step is described, a feeling of being at one with God and my fellow man brought me to a resting place where I could prepare myself for the remaining Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.

I am not afraid to admit my defects of character today. What a relief to be able to let go of those things that hold me back from being a better person. Early in the program I was willing to do a Step Four and Five, but not able to be entirely honest, I wonder if this in any way contributed to the relapses that were to follow on my travels through the program, LOL. Today I am able to look deep within myself to examine what my own motives are in given situations. I never used to think that I had an agenda for anything, I was living in a victim role, life just 'happened to me'. I found that for me, taking responsibility for my own actions, and the consequences or benifits that followed was freeing. Knowing that I am not alone in the world or in my recovery have increased my faith, and therefore my strength in making changes and better decisions.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• my dope smoking neighbors have not been invading my space
• every new day is making more flowers bloom in my garden
• I spoke to an old (young) friend on the phone today, and we are hoping to work together at the outdoor market again
• that I know God loves me even when I have doubts about my self-love
• If I continue to do the next right thing, my life will continue to get better
• I am able to not obsess so much about whether or not Angel will come home to live
• I feel good today, my prayers are being answered
• I have everything I need and then some
• All of my sober friends who share their E. S and H with me, that means YOU!
• I haven't told any lies so I don't need a good memory!
• today I am not afraid to look you in the eye...Hey there, how YOU doin' ?

Later my friends!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!

Holy cow, today is my mom's 71st birthday! I can hardly wait to call her and wish her a great day, and tell her how I love her. Not so many years ago, I wouldn't even have called her on her birthday, I am so happy that my mom is alive and well, and I look forward to seeing and talking to her. Being a mom myself, I think, has changed my perception of my own mother in so many ways. Now I know how she must have worried seeing me determined to destroy myself and helpless to do anything about it. Now I can appreciate how for years, she had to let me go, as the pain of seeing me hurting was too much for her to bear. I am grateful today to have my mom in my life. I have forgiven her for the ways I felt she was not there for me. I can accept her and love her today for who she is. I can have compassion today, for the horrible life my mom had to endure, and how she still loves me with all of my imperfections. I am grateful today, that this amazing woman gave me life...what a miracle!

I was asked to share my story last Sunday, and I noticed that I no longer have bad feelings when sharing about my early years. More than ever, I have been able to look at things from a different view point, one with love and compassion instead of blame and regret. This is, for me, proof that this program is working today in my life. For that I am very happy.

Here is today's Daily Reflections' reading...

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long and happily in this world.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.73-74

Honesty, like all virtues, is to be shared. It began after I shared "... {my} whole life's story with someone..." in order to find my place in the fellowship. Later I shared my life in order to help the newcomer find his place with us. This sharing helps me to learn honesty in all my dealings and to know God's plan for me comes true through honesty, openness and willingness.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I have volunteered to be secretary at my home group for the month of May
• it is another beautiful sunny day in my world
• I have more flowers about to bloom in my garden
• everyday can be filled with new adventures, if I choose it to be
• eleven months of clean and sober living
• all of my blogging friends who wished me well on my 11 month day!
• pink toe nail polish...thanks MC and Gwen!
• pink anything, flowers, clothes, my bloggy, it's my favorite colour
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• I will get to see the Maven and her Spawnling tonight, in person!
• I have been awake since 7:00 AM, and have managed to stay out of trouble!

JOYFUL DISCOVERIES

Here is today's Daily Reflection's...

We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answeres will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164

Sobriety is a journey of joyful discovery. Each day brings new experience, awareness, greater hope, deeper faith, broader tolerance. I must maintain these attributes or I will have nothing to pass on.
Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joy found in being able to live another day in God's grace.

Not so very long ago, I remember wishing that I would not have to face another day. Although I had many moments of good things, maybe even joy, my world had become so small. Each day was pretty much the same as the one before. And one constant for me was the pain I felt. It was the pain of not having my daughter with me, I knew it was my own actions that caused her to be taken from my home. It was the pain of knowing that I would drink again that very day, and knowing that the results of my drinking would likely be the same as the day before. I would have blackouts daily, somedays I would wake up injured, only to guess at what I had done to cause the injuries. I would always wake up hungover, going to the same job, with the same customers in the same sick environment. I wanted so badly to stop the cycle of pain and hopelessness that I faced everyday, but my methods to do so, were indeed just causing more of the same pain.

Today I wake up at unGodly hours, for me! But I have clear memories of the night before. If I wake up not feeling well, I have the faith that "this too shall pass". If it is raining out, like it is today, I can be thankful for the nourishment to my garden. I don't always have plans for each day, but I know that it can and will be a good day if I continue to ask for guidance. I feel love every single day, I have many moments of joy everyday. I wonder what the day will bring, but not with dread.

Today I am truly grateful/thankful for the following...

• the cleansing rain that is falling
• my pounding headache is from a cold, not a hangover
• my daughter has decided to spend the whole weekend with me
• at my home group tonight, I will ask to celebrate my one year in June
• my Angel told me last night that she is so proud of me for this accomplishment
• I am proud of me for the hard work I am doing today
• I spoke to a suffering friend yesterday, and he is taking care of himself
• I only have to look around to see the beauty of the program in my life today
• for all of my clean and sober friends who walk this road to happy destiny with me. that means all of you
• I am clean and sober today, and happy to be so
• even though I don't feel great I am still motivated to do housework
• I have decided to have the inscription "Happy, Joyous and Free" put on my one year medallion
• I truly wish good things in my heart for all my fellows, and again -that means YOU!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, unless you have made OTHER plans!!!

LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES

Alcoholism was a lonely business, even though we were surrounded by people who loved us... We were trying to find emotional security either by domination of by being dependant upon others... We still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy sort of domination or dependance.
As Bill Sees It pg. 252

When I did my personal inventory I found that I had unhealthy relationships with most people in my life- my friends and family, for example. I always felt isolated and lonely. I drank to dull emotional pain.
It was through staying sober, having a good sponsor and working the Twelve Steps that I was able to build up my low self esteem. First the Twelve Steps taught me to become my own best friend, and then, when I was able to love myself, I could reach out and love others.

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor, actually, she is one of two counsellors that I see. They both work for Rideauwood, #1 I have known for about nine or ten years, #2 I met in my ten day treatment program last summer. I think that at the beginning of the process, there must have been side bets to see if I actually would be able to complete the ten days...By the end of the process, I was told by many who worked there, and by my treatments friends, that I had so much to offer, and that I should consider going back to assist the facilitators in future programs. Ironically when I had gone back to college, it was to become a Child and Youth Worker. Of course for me, I was so not ready to treat others' because I still had so much work to do with me. I dropped out of college, relapsed shortly thereafter, and stopped all recovery in my life.

(When) I get two years of sobriety, I will be able to work at Rideauwood as an aid, then who knows. For me it seems that maybe I can be whoever I want to be, and do anything I set my mind to. With the grace of God, the fellowship of AA and all of the people who support me in my recovery today, the sky is the limit!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• I am clean and sober today
• even though there were some rough spots on the weekend "I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me"
• we didn't get the thunder storm that was predicted last night
• I was able to share the new growth in my garden with all my favorite peeps
• my Blue Jays trounced the Red Sox last night-go Jays!
• Trampcat always loves to cuddle with me, and she purrs when I just 'talk' to her
• Toughboy goes out every night to 'tom' but comes home to mommy every morning
• I spoke to someone who works at the outdoor market yesterday, and he's going to talk to my former boss to get me hired this year
• I watch Ellen Degeneres every morning and I still laugh without being stoned or drunk
• my lovely and safe home
• all of my wonderful cyber-friends...yes this means YOU
• my Higher Power loved me when I couldn't love myself

I hope everyone has the best day EVER, I think I'll have one myself! Love and HUGS to all today...

HEAVEN'S LIGHT SHINING DOWN

This is from 24 Hours A Day...

The satisfaction you get out of living a sober life is made up of a lot of little things, but they add up to a satisfactory and happy life. You take out of life what you put into it. So I'd say to people coming into AA: "Don't worry about what life will be like without liquor. Just hang in there and a lot of good things will happen to you. And you'll have that feeling of quiet satisfaction and peace and serenity and gratitude for the grace of God". Is my life becoming really worth living?

I don't know about you, but I find this to be true in my life today. When I am in a bad mood, the people I come in contact with are idiots! If I am feeling grateful for all of the beauty around me, the world is beautiful to me. If I snap at the waitress for taking too long with my breakfast, it will probably be cold or come with burnt toast. If I say to you that I appreciate your friendship, then maybe you will call on a friend who has been feeling down lately. I do believe that what goes around, comes around. I used to live in constant fear of the retribution for the pain I caused in my drinking days. I couldn't trust you, because I couldn't trust me. You weren't always truthful with me because I lied to you all the time. How my life has changed today. I am learning to trust and love and be the kind of friend that I want to have. I am learning to reach out to you and in kind you are reaching out to me. It's ALL good today!

Here are just a few of the things that have made me smile today...

• I finally found the Collective soul video to post on my blog
• the sky is the most perfect shade of blue
• I watered my garden last night for the first time this year
• a friend is lending me a bicycle pump so I can start to ride my "blue mustang with the top down" again LOL
• my little Jenny bird chirps to the birds outside everyday
• my next door neighbor was smoking a joint this morning and it bothered me so I told her and went inside (I didn't WANT it either)
• my home group meeting is tonight
• the weather is getting so warm that I think I can put away my winter coat for real
• even though My Blue Jays lost, I have faith that they'll play well in Baltimore tonight
• I have everything I need today and then some...
• I have discovered "smiley's" and I know how to add them to my posts!
• even though I'm a freak you seem to love me anyway
• all of you who trudge this happy road with me, you guys ROCK

WOO HOO, THE BOYS ARE BACK!!!

let's go bluejays, let's go!

In honour of "MY Blue jays" I will do my summer blog writings in blue! I just love baseball season! As if the green stuff starting to grow was not enough to get me in a great mood, the beginning of baseball season is like the whipped cream and cherry on top of the sundae! My poor daughter was neglected not only by my drug and alcohol use, now she'll hafta learn to talk to me in a whole new way. No my Angel, as I see it, that is three strikes for you...YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!... FOUL (ball)...I really believe in dreams coming true, and my dream is to see my boys win a World Series at the (formally known as) Sky Dome.

In '92 I was still living in Barrie where Angel was born. I was in the program, it was a wonderful year, my baby and I went to meetings almost everyday. And when my boys won the World Series I was clean and sober, and cried like a baby myself! '93 was also a good year for me, we had just moved back to my home in Ottawa, I was still in the program, still clean and sober. I was once again close to my mom and sister and my cousins, who I missed so much when living in T.O. and Barrie. And of course, my Boys won the Series again!

Not too long after moving back to Ottawa, I started to smoke dope again, although I didn't drink. I had started seeing a guy who (I believe) was an alcoholic, and he smoked a lot, so I did with him! We were together for about a year and a half. It was the beginning of another slide into Hell for me. It seemed that whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I would lose myself. I became whoever it was that they wanted me to be. I would compromise my own morals and beliefs for the sake of the other person- to make them happy. I would get to the point where I no longer knew what I wanted, what was important to me. Today I don't regret the relationships that I had been in that were so unhealthy for me. I can look back and see how I learned from the experience. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get this far!

I am at the point in my life I think, where although I do miss having that special someone in my life, I am truly starting to enjoy my own company! I can do what I want, when I want to. I can come and go as I please. I can go out with gurl friends and flirt with guy friends, I can stay in my pj's all day if I want to! I never really thought I was even capable of being happy All By Self! I didn't know that it was something that was even allowed. At almost forty six years young, I am no longer looking outside of me for someone or something to make my life complete...I am complete! I no longer look without, for something or someone to make me happy...I am happy! I no longer wish that I had learned these lessons earlier in life, I am able to be grateful today, that I know all this stuff. And grateful to be able to continue learning as I go. And grateful for the Boys of summer in their HOTT baseball uniforms...and another win too!

I guess that's it for now, a relatively short and sweet post, just like the author!! See you all later!

MY LIVING EULOGY

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Today I am so grateful that no one is having to decide what to put on my tomb stone. A few times when I attempted suicide, the thought would cross my mind that I didn't think anyone would BE at my funeral. This thought depressed me even more. I just didn't want to die without "making a difference" some how, but I did want to die! I also wondered what would be said in my eulogy. Would anyone have a kind word to say about me or only diplomatic in saying "too bad...so sad..."

Today I am doing the best I can to live in such a way that if I were to die, I would be truly missed, but also people could remember that I was a loving and decent person. I want to be remembered for the kindness I showed to others, starting with me. I don't want people to be relieved that I am at peace , but rather to be at peace themselves. If in my journey I have been able to make a positive impact in the life of one person anywhere, then I think I can go to God in love.

On a positive note, if this were to be my tomb stone, at least I didn't die alone LOL- that had always been my "deepest fear".. so maybe there is hope for me yet!!! And as for the guys at the legion? They probably don't remember me!

In today's Daily Reflections, it talks about accepting our humanness. I shall take this to mean that I may just be here for another (sober) day!

We finally saw that the inventory should be our's, not another person's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.

As Bill Sees It pg. 22

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept that responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people diod to me. Once I came into AA I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was- humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them- and myself- and those with whom I'd had the differences; from there , recovery is just a short distance ahead.

As one final thought for today, I saw this in a fortune cookie once- a message from my Higher Power perhaps?...

Live today that you not be afraid to leave the family parrot to the neighborhood gossip!... I wish you all peace, love and sobriety today!

ARRRGGGHHHH...I have put paragraphs in this post about a thousand times now, they are not saving or publishing for me---- HEEELLLLPPP!

OK rant over now!

9 MONTHS AND ONE DAY!

Wow, I was quite touched, surprised and overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love I received to wish me a Happy 9 Months! This is me after all, the gurl who never counted for anything. The daughter that people didn't know my mother had, the mom whose child was taken from her care.... It seems that after all the heartbreak I have managed to cause in the lives of those I love, there are still people out there who are willing to believe in me. I can not even find the words to make you understand what this experience has done to me, but I'm gonna try...

I never really gave myself credit for anything, unless of course it involved me making a mess of something. I would usually be the first person to take the blame if there was blame to be had. It took me years of therapy to 'get' that I wasn't nearly so powerful or important that I could cause all of the things that I had taken the blame for (read credit). When I was only sixteen, my father had the first of two heart attacks, and yes I alone, was directly responsible for this! You see, my dad and I had a hate/hate relationship throughout my life. I used to pray to God to take my dad thinking that my mom, my sister and I would have a much better life without him. No, you don't get it, I mean I REALLY prayed for this, I used to wish it all the time, I was sure that everyone knew what an evil person I was! So alas, when my father had his heart attack, he blamed me. Well not right away he didn't, but after, when he came home, if I was doing something that annoyed him ( which of course was daily ) he would yell " Are you TRYING to give me another heart attack?" You see, even he knew I had caused the first one! I moved away from home shortly after that so that my mom, dad and sister could have a better life without ME there.

I was so far away from being ready to be on my own at that point, I was not a mature 17 year old. The only job I ever had was babysitting. I wasn't allowed to do laundry or cook at my parents house 'cause my dad thought I would probably break something. I had never had a boy friend or dated. I guess in a lot of ways I was very sheltered (from the outside world). One of the things I did have though, was a basic mistrust of everyone and everything. I think that comes from living in an alcoholic home, you know...Thou shalt not tell the family secrets, and all that stuff. I was lucky enough to move in with an older family friend so that I could finish high school. She was a wonderful and very conservative woman, so I didn't have to worry about talking about my feelings or anything. After school ended I was lucky enough to land a job in a private sector business, it had a union, it paid really well, and they preferred to train employees to work there (read I didn't need any skills to work there). But there I was 18 years old with a very good job, my own apartment, a second hand car, and feeling very much like a fraud!

I had no idea how I had managed to appear as if I was doing OK. I always thought that THEY would realize I didn't really belong where I was and take it all away from me. Later on, the company actually did try to fire me, but of course, that is what unions' were good for! On more than one occasion, they stepped in to save my ass. So I eventually quit that job after working there for eleven years! I never saved for the future as I never thought I would have a future. I never invested any money, after all I couldn't take it with me so I spent it as fast as I earned it. I knew I never really deserved to be there, so I thought I didn't deserve any of the perks that came with working at the same job for eleven years.

Within a year and a half of geographically curing all that was wrong with me and my life, I found myself a single mom to a beautiful little daughter. She was perfect! She didn't have any horrible disfiguring features, she didn't have two horns and a tail (that came much later LOL), and every where we went people would stop us to ' talk' to debaby! She was smart, she was happy, she deserved to have a mom and dad together, she deserved to not live in poverty, she deserved the best in life, and clearly, that was NOT ME! You all know the rest in a nut shell, the details are not that important. Suffice it to say that I never believed that I was worthy of any thing good in my life.

To be honest and give myself some credit, I have really worked hard this past year to put things back together in my life. I know that achieving 9 months of sobriety is indeed a miracle, for any alcoholic. Certainly for me, I couldn't even imagine staying sober for one week at this time last year. But the program of AA, the fellowship my Higher Power, and of course all of YOU, have helped me to get where I am today, I am so incredibly grateful for this gift. Naturally though, when things go too well for me, I start to feel kind of strange. For the most part I have been able to just accept the many gifts sobriety has given me, and to share the feelings that have come up for me. I have prayed for guidance to do His Will, I have attended many meetings and still see a counsellor a couple times a month. I know I am doing the best I can for today, I could probably do better, but I am striving for progress , not perfection!

Last night we were having a pretty bad snow storm, so my Angel did not come. I haven't seen her for two weeks now and I miss her terribly and I was hoping she could be there to see me get my 9 month chip, but she couldn't be. One of my closest friends had made other plans for the evening too, so she was not going to be there either. Throughout the day, as I would check on my blog, it seemed the well wishes were just pouring in! I laughed, I cried and I almost didn't go to my meeting last night! I had started to get a little depressed. Don't get me wrong, I was so very happy to see all of the beautiful comments to my post, but I guess, in a way, I was also feeling a little guilty. I had never received so many comments in my life (or birthday cards for that matter). Then my 'shitty committee' started going to work in my head, quietly at first, but louder and louder the closer it got to 8:00. Ya know what it was saying? "sure it's easy for all of those people to reach out to you, they don't really know you. If they did, you wouldn't have heard a word. If you really mattered then your daughter and your friend would be here to celebrate this with you. Fraud, loser, undeserving one!"

I could hardly believe what I was saying to myself! I did go to the meeting after all. It was an amazing young man who had such wisdom and humility, and HE congratulated ME, when I went to thank him after the meeting. I got lots of hugs, which I really needed ( as much as I love cyber hugs, I still need to feel a body once in a while!). I did get my 9 month chip, and it was my sponsor who gave it to me. I made a commitment last night to myself, in order to fight off the 'shitty committee' and the ever sleeping addict within me. I am going to do what others' before me have done, I am going back to Step One in the 12 X 12, I have heard it suggested to read it every day for thirty days, and if you miss a day, you have to start at day one again. Last night the speaker shared that it had taken him about eighty days to get through thirty days in a row of Step One!! So, I am writing this to you to keep myself accountable! Any one care to join me? I figure the worst that could happen is that I will TOTALLY GET IT no matter how long it takes me! And besides, I realized how very much I really liked getting all those comments to my humble post and I want that again! So, despite MY best efforts, and with a lot of help from all of you and my Higher Power, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT TO MY YEAR (cake anyone?) One day at a time!

I know this is a really long post, and I kind of apologize for that, but I HAVE to share my daily meditations with you... Peace for now...

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us!

Alcoholics Anonumous pg. 62

For so many years my life revolved solely around myself. I was consumed with self in all forms- self-centeredness, self-pity, self-seeking, all of which stemmed from pride. Today I have been given the gift, through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, of practicing the Steps and Traditions in my daily life, of my group and sponsor, and the capacity -if I so choose- to put my pride aside in all situations which arise in my life.

Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety.

I swear you guys, I do not read the meditations before I post them but it always seems to relate to the problems of my day!!! Coincidence- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT!!!