TAGGED

This is a picture of me trying to help MY JAYS get to the pennant race! No, I never give up on My Boys! To see more crazy goings on go here :http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

I have been tagged by Inmatez Wife. I am supposed to list eight random things about me, reading some other lists was lots of fun, some people are real freaks ya know! Whew, I thought I was the only one!!!

8 random things about me:
1. I was 19 before I had my first real boyfriend (don't ask!)
2. I have been on tv three different times for two different reasons
3. Ever since I was little I have made up languages, Aangel and I do it today!
4. I am a natural redhead but dyed my hair blonde until I had a beautiful baby gurl with red hair
5. I have three piercings in each ear, and a nose ring
6. I believe that maybe I was a cat in another life because my fingernails are curved like claws
7. Beards on men really gross me out- ICKY POO- unless they're very short and neat
8. I have to flip my pillow over so my face is on a cool spot or I can't sleep

So there ya have it folks, hope you enjoyed today's edition of "What makes Lushgurl a Freak?" I am supposed to tag three people to do this one so I choose Syd, Scott (Sober Nuggets) and Sober Chick! Yup they all start with the letter 'S' , I guess that is another weird thing about me- I like to keep things simple- get it?!!! This post is short and sweet (like me) today as I have recently discovered a new computer game that I definitely am not addicted to... I'll be by tomorrow to stalk to you all.

Had to come back because one of my 'tag-ees' turned me down -WAAAH- anyway, in keeping with the 'S' theme, I am tagging Shadow and Sober Steve!

TIME FLIES WHEN YER HAVIN'...

This is my first post as a forty-six year young, I might be whinin' now, but I'm bound to get past it sooner or later! I was so busy complaining that I didn't get a b day card from my mom that I totally forgot about my little squirrel (see above). Yup, my mommy knows how much I love garden prizes, and she got me this little squirrel for my garden. When I start cleaning up my garden for the winter I will post all of the little buddies I have keeping my flowers company! If ya didn't think I was 'nuts' before, just wait until you see my garden babies!! So to alleviate just a little of the insanity that I call my life, here is today's Daily Reflection...

Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves to others. Alcoholcs Anonymous pg 159

These words for me, refer to a tranference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what was so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve.

I'm not sure if I want to share this now, but just last week I was faced with the dilemma of giving it away freely for myself and the new(er)comers versus resentments over the not-so-newcomers not being there for me. I know that I have absolutely no control over what other people do in their lives and it brought up some feelings when I attended my home group where only three members (myself included) showed up to run the meeting. There were two new comers there, and I know that it only takes two of us to run a meeting. My only problem was that the person who was schedualed to chair the meeting- and find the speaker- did not show up! It turned out ok though, as the Maven and I ran the meeting and made it an open discussion, which is all good. I was left with wondering though, what would happen if nobody showed up? Where would the still suffering alcoholics go to get what we got, so freely given? I know for me, when I recite the responsibility pledge, I take it seriously :

When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I am responsible.

So now I'll go to what I am grateful for today...

• that the hand of AA was there for me when I reached out for help
• that I am 46 and clean and sober
• it only takes two alcoholics to share their experience strength and hope, for it to be a meeting
• me and AAngel were invited out to dinner last night, with friends. Food always tastes better when eaten with love and laughter
• my new squirrel to put in my garden
• for all of you who share your experience, strength and hope with me and others...
  

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS!

I'M NOT GETTING OLDER or I WON'T GROW UP!

My belly button birthday is coming up. Yesterday AAngel and I went to my mom's/ sister's place to celebrate my nieces' birthday, and mine too. I told my mom I really didn't want any fuss made over me, so we had a great BBQ dinner, and a cake made for little niece, and me. The visit was really cool. My mom lives with my sister and her family in a huge house in the country (sort of). Every time we go to visit there have been more improvements made, this time being the addition of a pool, it is an above ground pool to which they are adding a deck. The pool is lovely, big and oval shaped, and it is only five feet deep, so it is perfect for swimming in. The three gurls (AAngel, little niece and big niece, swam for about an hour, it was lots of fun watching them play together. After dinner and cake, gifts were brought out for little niece who just turned 4 and for AAngel (belated 16th from my sis), but nothing for me! Big baby that I am, I was hurt that I didn't receive any gifties or even a card from my mom!... maybe she'll mail me a birthday card...

So to help me to focus on what is important today, here is today's Daily Reflection...

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependance upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 116

All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real "people addict" ; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received.

I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work AA's Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.

Yeah, OK, I get it sheeesh!!! It never ceases to amaze me how these readings, more times than not, address issues that I just happen to be dealing with at the time! Coincidence?- say it with me now- WE THINK NOT! Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to be able to experience the joy (?) of another birthday
• to have spent time with my loved ones
• that I am happy for the life my mom and sister share
• I can choose to stay stuck in the 'poor-mes', or not
• tonight I get to go to my after care group, and an AA meeting
• AAngel and I are truly blessed with love for each other
• we have everything we need today, and then some
• after numerous attempts this AM, I was finally able to access my bloggy!
• all of you who share my experiences, fears and other craziness, and keep coming back
• my fears are not nearly as bad as they used to be
• turning 46 is not so bad after all!

I'll be stalking to y'all soon...

DOING THE RIGHT THING

Happy Sunday to one and all. What better way to start our day than to read today's Daily Reflection...

Referring to our list {inventory} again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67

There is a wonderful freedom in not needing constant approval from colleagues at work or from the people I love. I wish I had known about this Step before, because once I developed a frame of reference, I felt able to do the next right thing, knowing that the action for the situation and that it was the correct thing to do.

Today I realize how I have come to not only know the right thing to do in most situations, but it actually feels better to actually do it! Flash back to about this time last year... my next door neighbor, to whom I had become quite close, was moving. It was bittersweet for me in that for about three years we were pretty good friends. I had also used her as an excuse to relapse, in that she was a social drinker, you know, one of those people who could go out for an evening and at the end of the night still have half a drink left over! The worst part for me was knowing of the eleventh commandment, which I was sure said "Thou shalt not waste alcohol!" But I digress.

The thing is, over the years we had shared lots of stuff , including my garden, do any of you know how psycho I am for my garden? LOL The thing is, I had once again become clean and sober, and my friend who near the end had become quite judgemental about this 'cokehead' as she would refer to me. Our frienship had ended about the time I came back to recovery. So in my righteous indignation about her shunning of me, after all the things I had done for her, including sharing my precious garden, I decided to 'take back my life', in the form of some of the many plants I had given her! Can you see where this is going? No? Well let me tell you!

This woman absolutely ignored me, and it hurt, but it was easier for me to get angry than to cry over losing a friend. So one day, I had decided to take back my garden, one plant at a time. I waited for a day when I was sure that neighbor gurl was not home, I was out watering my garden and I was getting angrier and angrier that she had some Asians that I had shared with her, mine never bloomed, but hers did in all their Asian glory! So I went to her yard and plucked one up, root and all, quite pleased that I would get my little flower back, and just when I was re-entering my yard, she saw me! CRAP- busted!!! And to make matters worse, because I didn't think she was home, when she screamed "Just what the HELL do you think YOU are doing?", I nearly jumped out of my skin!!!

Long story shorter...I knew at the time, that what I was doing was wrong. I had shared my garden out of love, it really did make me happy to give her some of what I had. But my hurt feelings and resentment at her grew when I found she was moving, without crying to say goodbye to me, and my anger caused me to retaliate. I think of this gurl often, wonder how she is doing, and try to remember the fun we once had. I know that I definately owe her an apology, for my behaviour. I am reminded of a saying that one of AAngels' grade school teachers had : "It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong!" Hope you all have a wonderful day!

JUST LOOKIN'

TodAAy I am just lookin' to see everything I can, if you want to see more, go here ...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/ , care to join me "seeing" what our HP wants for us todAAy? Here is our Daily Reflection reading...

Some of us, though tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.

Twelve Steps and Twelve and Twelve Traditions pg.79

This step seemed so simple. I identified several people whom I had harmed, but they were no longer available. Still, I was uneasy about the Step and avoided conversations dealing with it. In time I learned to investigate those Steps and areas of my life which made me uncomfortable. My search revealed my parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them; my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper and the friends that I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable when I feel clean and light.

I can't even count the number of times I said that the only person I was hurting was me. In typical self centered form, I truly believed my own lies, it was easier at the time to hang onto resentments that allowed me to basically say "F*** them all anyways, my anger being the excuse to drink, and my justification for thinking that I wasn't hurting anyone! In the reading it mentions hurting our parents, and today I know I did that. I remember one time in particular after I had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver going the wrong way on a one way street. Thankfully, I had drank only one drink that night. Thankfully I sustained only an open head concussion that needed only eleven stitches. Unfortunately, my practically brand new Mustang was written off, with a year and a half of payments left on it. Upon leaving the hospital I had to stay with my parents because of the concussion. My mom cried when I got there saying "You could have been killed". My dad said I shouldn't have been driving that night due to the freezing rain. And all I could think of was poor me, I had lost my car! Insanity- yup! Did I drink and drive after that? You bet I did!

Today I am thankful/grateful for the following...

• to wake up clean and sober and have the choice to remain so
• I don't intentially hurt anyone
• if I do hurt some one, I can immediately make amends
• the love of my family and friends is something I cherish today
• to have everything I need today, and enough to share too
• the antics of my baby kitten as he explores and learns and grows
• every single day AAngel and I hug multiple times, and say we love each other
• I am not afraid to face my CAS worker when he shows up at our home for a visit (soon)
• I am a part of a very supportive and loving community of AA here, and in my 'real' life
• for you and you and your moms and dads who made you!

See ya soon...

WALKING DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET

Have you seen this? I don't remember where I found it, but it so describes my life as an active alcoholic, and I'm sure many of you can relate to the insanity too. I thought it was appropriate to post it today because I am working on Step Two with my sponsor "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Autobiography in five chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the follwing...

• to be clean and sober
• to not have as much insanity in my life
• the patience I have in dealing with a devilteen
• laughter
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• my two cats, my kitten and my budgie
• I am able to read (my 12 X 12)
• my garden is still blooming
• having my AAngel/devilteen home
• my HP loves me no matter what
• my HP forgives my mistakes
• for each of you who choose to stalk to me...

Ready or not, here I come to stalk to you!

...and before I forget, please help me support and welcome a new friend Krista, she is an amazing young woman who has 4 days sober today, visit her here http://krista-wine-o.blogspot.com/

3 WORDS

dAAve stole this from Pam who did this meme a couple of days ago ; I stole it from dAAve because he stole it from Pam before I got a chance to! I liked their answers and thought I'd give it a try too.

3 word survey: You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone? in my purse
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? in my dreams
3. Your hair? way too long
4. Where is your father? with God, maybe
5. Cheesecake? yes please, cherry!
6. Your favorite thing to do? anything in garden
7. Your dream last night? not in colour
8. Your favorite drink? coffee or water
9. Car You Want? classic Mustang convertible
10. The room you're in? the living room
11. George Bush?: not so bright
12. Your fears?: yup, have lots!
13. Nipple rings?: nope, nose though
14. Who will/did you hang out with tonight?: cats, budgie, AAngel
15. Go check GoofyAuctions.com and give your opinion?: um, yeah ,OK!
16. One of your wish list items?: my own home
17. Where did you grow up?: me, grow up???
18. The last thing you did?: cleaned my house
19. What are you wearing?: I'll never tell!
20. Tagging ?: whoever wants to...

I know I've been very lazy lately, not posting or visiting much, I just haven't been very energetic lately! Just know that I am still here, still sober, and still lovin' all of YOU...

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

...HERE I AM !!!

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm gonna dedicate this post to Mary Christine who asked where I was ! I actually have been close to my computer on several occasions, but it seems that 'face booking' and MSN-ing are way more important to some teenagers than letting the mommy blog! Oh, and then there was the little deal with the flu that I had, I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat and swollen glands and just generally feeling like I'd been run over by a big truck... Fear not though friends, I have discovered that if I get up before the crack of noon, I get the compy all to self! So, as per my usual agenda, I offer to you todays Daily Reflection's reading, enjoy...

We in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning (wo)men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28

I try each day to raise my heart and hands in thanks to God for showing me a "design for living" that really works through our beautiful Fellowship. But what exactly, is this "design for living" that "really works"? For me, it is the practice of the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability, the continued awareness of a God who loves me unconditionally, and the hope that, in each new day, there is a purpose for my being. I am truly, truly blessed in the Fellowship.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following..

• to know that God loves me unconditionally
• for baby cats and adult cats and a teenager that seem to love me unconditionally
• to feel healthy today
• AAngel has a job interview this afternoon
• I have everything I need, and then some
• to wake up knowing I can stay clean and sober for just one day
• Big Brother 8 is on tonight..I love it!
• for blogging and AA and all the wonderful people I've met
• all of YOU !!!!