HEY, REMEMBER ME?

Well I am still around somewhere, and I can hardly believe that it has been almost a week since I last posted! As some of you may have noticed, I dropped by on the weekend. Do you guys remember when I used to post almost everyday and visit mostly everyone on my links too? My AAngel, and my friend the Maven would say that I could do all of those things because I didn't have a life!! Well guess what? Now I have a life (of work anyways), and I have not yet found the balance required to do all of the blog stalking I used to do. Add in a few meetings a week, my after-care group, bi-weekly therapy, meeting with my sponsor, housework, laundry, time with my kid and others, and you can maybe understand why I have not been as vigilant as I used to be in staying in touch with y'all! Hopefully I can be forgiven, after all I am striving for progress, not perfection here!

In loving memory of the good old days, here is today's Daily Reflection reading...

When, with God's help, we calmly accepted our lot, then we found we could live at peace with ourselves and show others who still suffered the same fears that they could get over them, too. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg.122

Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possesions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them. When I first came into AA, I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself. Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.

All righty then, I am still extremely grateful

• for this gift of sobriety
• to have found a job I love
• that I still have stalkers even when I haven't been by your place
• for all of the miracles that God has put in my path
• to have everything I need and enough to share too
• I am willing and able to keep growing and changing
• to each and every one of you, who keep the home fires burning until I return

I hope you all take time to smell the flowers today...

TIME FLIES WHEN YER HAVIN'...

This is my first post as a forty-six year young, I might be whinin' now, but I'm bound to get past it sooner or later! I was so busy complaining that I didn't get a b day card from my mom that I totally forgot about my little squirrel (see above). Yup, my mommy knows how much I love garden prizes, and she got me this little squirrel for my garden. When I start cleaning up my garden for the winter I will post all of the little buddies I have keeping my flowers company! If ya didn't think I was 'nuts' before, just wait until you see my garden babies!! So to alleviate just a little of the insanity that I call my life, here is today's Daily Reflection...

Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves to others. Alcoholcs Anonymous pg 159

These words for me, refer to a tranference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what was so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve.

I'm not sure if I want to share this now, but just last week I was faced with the dilemma of giving it away freely for myself and the new(er)comers versus resentments over the not-so-newcomers not being there for me. I know that I have absolutely no control over what other people do in their lives and it brought up some feelings when I attended my home group where only three members (myself included) showed up to run the meeting. There were two new comers there, and I know that it only takes two of us to run a meeting. My only problem was that the person who was schedualed to chair the meeting- and find the speaker- did not show up! It turned out ok though, as the Maven and I ran the meeting and made it an open discussion, which is all good. I was left with wondering though, what would happen if nobody showed up? Where would the still suffering alcoholics go to get what we got, so freely given? I know for me, when I recite the responsibility pledge, I take it seriously :

When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that, I am responsible.

So now I'll go to what I am grateful for today...

• that the hand of AA was there for me when I reached out for help
• that I am 46 and clean and sober
• it only takes two alcoholics to share their experience strength and hope, for it to be a meeting
• me and AAngel were invited out to dinner last night, with friends. Food always tastes better when eaten with love and laughter
• my new squirrel to put in my garden
• for all of you who share your experience, strength and hope with me and others...
  

KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS!

ELEVEN MONTHS OF MIRACLES

The following quotes were sent to me via e-mail this morning from Cali, who reminded me that today is my eleven months clean and sober... YAY ME!!! Of course it wouldn't be right to hog all the glory, 'cause as you all know, I DID NOT do this alone! And on that note...

-Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
-Acceptance is mandatory; understanding is optional.
-"Let go or be dragged." (told to me by Jeff W.)
-"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
-"I have to remember that the people on top of the mountain didn't fall there." ~Sara T.
-If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
-I must keep my recovery first to make it last.
-"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
-"It's always the rug you've been sweeping things under that gets pulled out from under you." ~Unknown

And for more words of wisdom, today's Daily Reflection's reading is...

Lighting the dark past
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possesion you have- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert misery and death for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark-as some days must be- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• for eleven months of clean and sober life
• that I am no longer 'locked' in my past
• that I can see how my experiences can benefit others
• for all of the AA friends, in my life- that means all of YOU
• the Maven and her hubby celebrated fourteen years together- WOW!
• I have made a new friend in the program, a woman, who 'gets' me!
• tonight I will start a new relapse prevention group- I like this better than the alternative
• my new 'old' sponsor is always there when I need her
• the phone doesn't always weigh a hundred pounds!
• I spent some time in my garden today, the hyacinths smell sooo pretty
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• it is a sunny day that reflects my mood
• I have come to believe in a Power Greater than myself, and He is restoring me to sanity

A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!

SA-TUR-DAY and ALL IS WELL

It seems I have successfully completed another week... There was a time not that long ago, when I would wake up dreading each and every day. I'm not quite at the point where "everyday a new adventure", however I have , apparently, passed the point of " aww, f-k, another day to deal with! In just a little over eight months, my life has seemingly been transformed from dull, bleak, get-through-it-however-I-can to wow another brand new day! I must give credit where credit is due though, for I, on my own, could never have achieved such a miracle in this 'lil Lushgurls life!

As I have mentioned a time or two before... Kudos to AA for f-king up my drinking career! It seems that ones' first exposure to the program, changes ones' perspective about ones' drinking to the point where , it is never quite the same! Granted, by the time I attended my first AA meeting, my drinking was no longer social, not by any stretch of even the most vivid imagination. The thing, for me, was that I had heard a few things in ' that stupid meeting' that hit a little too close to home. You see, like any good little alcoholic, the progression of my illness took me to places that a few years before I never would have gone (read the places where I could still sit in judgement of others as ' I was not THAT bad'... ) As long as I could see someone who was in worse (alcoholic ) shape than I, it was easy to justify that I was not an alcoholic!!! Anyone relate to that?

Fast forward however many years necessary to the point where drinking ( and/or using ) consumed my every waking thought and action. I had been in and out of the program a few times by this point. I had achieved certain milestones in my recovery in the way of a couple of one year medallions. I had managed to do a certain amount of personal inventory taking and making some amends. But I never truly 'got honest' with YOU, me and my Higher Power. Result...back out once again to see how much further down the scale I could slither! Yup. THEY said that maybe if I was "painstaking about this phase of my recovery, I would be amazed before I was half-way through", and once again, I rewrote this to mean that maybe I was recovered enough to drink normally...

And back out I went again, all for the greater good though... it was research I was doing, yeah that's it, I was ever-so- selflessly proving to you, me and cousin Billy, that 'once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic'. Of course I threw myself whole heartedly into my research project. I traveled in new, lower circles, I did things I would never have imagined myself doing. I achieved a new low (high?) in self-loathing, yup even I could not have envisioned how much worse I was actually capable of feeling about me and life in general. It was like someone had sucked all the fun out of the pursuit of drunken-ness for me, but dammit, I'm NO quitter!!! I figured if I changed the kind of alcoholic beverage I over indulged in, that maybe I could drink like an earthling. Maybe if I only drank alone, well ok, I knew at this point that I could not drink like an earthling, but NO ONE was around to see it!

It seemed my impending demise was not to be quick and painless and in the privacy of my own home. No , not me. My demise was slow and painful and always (in one way or another) blatantly obvious to all but me. Yes, I have another example for you (you're welcome)... It was a Friday night, I remember it not at all, I had finished work and gone to my local liquor store to stock up on my beverages for the upcoming week (famous last words). Saturday morning I awoke, not in my bed, but on the couch, in my 'living' room. I knew before I even opened my eyes that something was not right. OWWW, my face hurt. OWWWWW, my knee was killing me and OWWWWWWW, how the hell did I manage to scrape the entire bottom of my left arm, and why am I not wearing my jeans..... up the stairs I stumbled to get ready for work, which was in less than an hour . I passed the mirror in the bathroom on my way to the shower, and caught a glimpse of someone who was Definately NOT me!!!

It appeared that Lushgurl had been transformed from a fairly normal looking-to-the-outside-world gurl, into a very scary picture indeed. I did not one but two double takes! I couldn't believe what I was seeing looking back at me, I looked like I had gone a few rounds with a much bigger, more sober person, who had walked away with the WWF belt. I had a very swollen and blackened eye, my face was scraped form forehead to chin, and I had absolutely NO IDEA what had happened to me. The worst part (' cause things were never as bad as they seemed) was that I did have to be at work in less than an hour, and where did I work you wonder? In a Deli that was in a bar!!! Irony was never wasted on me... I pondered the idea of calling in sick, but alas, I was one of only two employees and as the 'manager' and Saturday being our busiest day and employee #2 having less than two weeks experience, my ponderance was short-lived.

The funny thing was, in that funny, glad-it's-you-not-me kind of way.... that I got very few reactions to my new and improved appearance. Yes there were a few sympathetic looks, and a couple of clients did ask me if I was OK, but for the most part, people would just try to avoid looking directly at me! Did wonders for my self-esteem , really. Of course there was one guy, a kind of adopted father if you will, who every time I limped by to serve a customer, looked angrier and angrier. At a slow moment on a very busy Saturday, he finally came into my kitchen. I could see that he was quite angry (at me?), he stormed up to me and demanded to know "who did this to you, I'll go out and shoot him myself?"... Gawd, if only I could will the ground beneath me to gape open and swallow me up, I would have. The 'best' part? He did NOT believe that I had done that to my self!!! He asked me several times through the course of that very long Saturday to 'just tell me who did this, I'll fix him up good!'.

I could go on with many more like stories to impress upon you the fact that I am and always will be, an alcoholic. But you've probably been there a time or two yourself, and if you haven't, trust me, you are definately not missing much!!! The point is, that today I woke up in my own bed, alone ( yeah some days that sucks) and I remember going to bed, and I don't have many beautiful unexplainable colours all over my body, and I don't wake up full of fear and dread each and every day. Today I can have whatever kind of a day I choose. It can be fun and spent with loved ones, it can be quiet, enjoyed in solitude, but it can be GOOD. For that I am grateful to every alcoholic I have ever met, the drinking and sober ones, and most of all, to all of you in recovery who share their experience , strength and hope with me. Have a GREAT Saturday every one!!!