DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

It's the crack of noon, and what do I see? A teenager sleeping so peacefully....

To SEE more hAAlf nAAked fun, go here...http://haalfnaakedthursday.blogspot.com/

Yes, there is my AAngel sleeping soundly, do ya think she feels safe as she dreams away? When she was little, after I would tuck her in and read a story, AAngel would say "mommy, watch me sleep!" The thing is, I would sit and watch and after a while, get up to leave, at which point those big blue peepers would pop open again and say "watch me sleep" to which I would reply " I can't watch you sleep if you're not sleeping!" To tell the truth though, there are not too many things more beautiful that the image of a sleeping child (at least we know they're safe, not getting into trouble, and best of all, not talking back! LOL).

Last night at my relapse prevention group, someone asked the question- If you quit drinking (or using) on your own, and say quit for 9 months or so, and then drink again, is this a relapse? Well this question evoked many opinions and opened up a pandora's box. The thing is, if one has quit on their own, which many of us do in order to prove that we do have control , eventually we will drink again, right? And if we have quit on our own, this would imply that we have not had a program of recovery, so maybe the ultimate drinking would just be a continuation of our addiction which has not been active for a time? We all know that just stopping does not mean we are in recovery, hell, who among us has not attempted to remain sober for a day, a week, a year, whatever. And do we not recognize many who have actually quit, but have not made any other changes in their lives, save putting the top on the bottle, are they IN recovery or simply 'dry'?

I think a part of what bothers me the most is that for this person, he says he has quit using his DOC on his own and doesn't feel that he needs AA or NA or any other program- he just stopped using. Great. But I know , for me, I do need the support and love and guideline to living that AA promotes. I know for me, I have quit a time or two before, with the help of AA, and after a time, have thought I was cured or fixed and stopped going to meetings, and eventually drank again. I understand that there may be people out there who are addicted and are able to maintain abstinance for many years or forever without a program, I also know that this does not include me! Furthermore, when the gifts offered in AA are free, save for the Twelfth Step, which is actually a gift in itself, why would anyone WANT to try to do this on their own... I just don't get it!

Maybe todays 24 Hours a Day reading will help me out here...

"We have an allergy to alcohol. The action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. We allergic types can never safely use alcohol again in any form at all. We cannot be reconciled to a life without alcohol, unless we can experience an entire psychic change. Once this psychic change has occurred, we who seem doomed, we who had so many problems that we despaired over ever solving them, find ourselves able to control our desire for alcohol". Have I had a psychic change?

Ask God in daily prayer to give you the strength to change. When you ask God to change you, you must at the same time fully trust Him. If you do not fully trust Him, God may answer your prayer as a rescuer does that of a drowning person who is putting up too much of a struggle. The rescuer must first render the person still more helpless, until he or she is wholly at the rescuer's mercy. Just so must we be wholly at God's mercy before we can be rescued.

I pray that I may be daily willing to be changed. I pray that I may put myself wholly at the mercy of God.

So, unless you have other plans, I wish each of you a great day!

HAPPINESS IS A WARM KITTEN

Todays raeding from 24 Hours a Day is a continuance from Sunday, yes I missed Monday, but I am striving for progress, not perfection!!!

That leaves only one day- today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives us mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something that happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow might bring. Let us therefore do our best to live but one day at a time.

Am I living one day at a time?

I met with my sponsor on Sunday afternoon, and she thinks that I need to be working on a 4th step. I agree with her 100%, in theory. I think doing a 4th step is an excellent way to put things in proper perspective- for you. I have done several 4th and 5th steps before, and I know the results of sharing in the 5th is a new freedom and a relief to find that I am not all bad after all. And yet.... I love my new sponsor, about a week ago she suggested that I call her everyday, and I made the committment to me to do just that. What happened was, I didn't even call her once. So on Sunday she called me and asked me how she could sponsor me if I didn't call. For a moment I was filled with panic that she was going to fire me. But she didn't. I thought that maybe she was angry and might even yell at me, but she didn't do that either. I told her very sincerely that I thought I was afraid of her (all 4ft 10) because she seemed to accept me and like me and she didn't show anger and yell and, and , and... Then, the nerve of her, she said that if I want to stay sober, I need to change- my behaviours, my thoughts, my actions! Aw crap, she called me on my sh*t, no more really good excuses are gonna work with this woman, I'm gonna hafta change!

Last night I went to a meeting that I attended on a regular basis last summer, at my sponsors' suggestion. Am I ever glad I went. There was a twenty three, a fifteen, and a one year anniversary. The speaker was a relative new comer like me, but his message was powerful and honest, and he spoke alot about change. For me it was an eye opener in that this used to be a regular stop in my week, and I remembered attending the anniversary of two of the people this time last year. The third person I remember just coming to the program, he was so shaky and unsure and now? He is grateful and sober still, and even happy, I can see how much he has changed, what a miracle this program is!

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• to be able to see the changes in other people
• that I was lucky enough to witness the miracle of so many sober years
• that my sponsor will not let me stay the same
• none of my bones are broken
• I have my sight
• I am able to hear (when I choose to listen)
• both AAngel and I survived to see her turn 16
• yesterday AAngel and I became new mommies- to a kitten, his name is Cinnamon
• I woke up clean and sober today
• today is the last day that I will have to wake up alone because AAngel comes back home tomorrow
• for all of YOU- your support, your love, your comments
• today I believe there is a power greater than me!

Have the best day possible today!

NOT MUCH NEW

Here are a couple more garden pics, the first is a new delphiniu ms and the second, my garden angel surrounded by ground cover, wait until you see it bloom, the ground cover I mean...

...And if you can believe this, I have not much to say today! So I will share todays Daily Reflection reading with you...

For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colourful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg.151

The longer I chased these elusive feelings with alcohol, the more out of reach they were. However, by applying this passage to my sobriety, I found that it described the magnificent new life made available to me by the AA program. "It" truly does "get better" one day at a time. The warmth, the love and the joy so simply expressed in those words grow in breath and depth each time I read it. Sobriety is a gift that grows with time.

So, reading the first part of the above, it didn't take me long to see that I was never normal in my drinking days! Today, I call those who can drink 'normally' earthlings (see Lushisms!). Sometimes I was 'convivial' when drinking, but mostly I drank alone for a number of reasons-

1) I never knew when I would blackout, making a fool of myself

2) I didn't want to have to share my booze with anyone

3) I often drank just to pass out, not a very social thing to do

4) I obsessed too much about the sad state of running out of booze, making me very cranky!

5) my life sucked, so why would I even consider being around others

Yup, it's true, I was not usually a very sociable person in my drinking days, and yes I lived under the illusion that maybe, if I drank enough, my pathetic life would take on new meaning. It just never seemed to happen though, and when I realized that all of my days were eerily resembling the one before, and the one before that etc., I decided to try AA once again. This, at last, has brought me to a place of peace. Not all of my days feel great, but even my worst day today is better than my best day drinking, cliche, I know, but true none the less! Here are just some of the things I am grateful for today...

• to be clean and sober once again


• to have days where I actually want to be around people


• I had enough laundry soap left to finish my washing


• to have everything I need, and then some


• to have summer clothes that fit me- it's going to be about 100 farenheit today!


• I actually invested in a fan this year!


• for the two appoinments I have today, which will get me out of the house


• for the friends I can visit today without leaving my house- that means YOU!

I'll be busy today, but I promise I'll be by to stalk to y'all soon....

RUNNIN' ON EMPTY...

This week has been a hurry up and wait week! I am so tired, I feel out of sorts. Thank God I have my meetings and all of my blogger buds to help keep me focused on today! Tonight I will actually celebrate my B-day at my home group, there will be a medallion, and a cake, and I have chosen a speaker, but I don't know what to wear!!! And today I hear Pam say "It doesn't matter what you wear, just as long as you show up!" She has posted a week of letters to her still sick self just before finding recovery. It is painful to read, and I feel the lonliness and desperation in every word, but I have seen that miracles happen, because of who Pam is today. Please visit her here... http://sobriety-is-exhausting.blogspot.com/

Here is todays Daily Reflection...

Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help.... we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life- the one that did not work- for a new life that can and does work under any condition whatever.

As Bill Sees It pg.10,8

I have been given a daily reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition provided I seek progress, not perfection. To become ready for change, I practice willingness, opening myself to possibilities of change. If I realize there are defects that hinder my usefullness in AA and toward others, I become ready by meditating and receiving direction. "some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely" (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58) To let go and let God, I need only surrender my old ways to Him; I no longer fight nor do I try to control, but simply believe that, with God's help, I am changed and affirming this belief makes me ready. I empty myself to be full of awareness, light and love, and I am ready to face each day with hope.

I had goosebumpies typing out these last few words as I realize that the title of my post is "Running on empty"...coincidence? WE THINK NOT!!!

Today I am grateful for the following...

• I started today out empty, and now He has filled me up!
• to be clean and sober today
• tonight He may use me to show a new(er)comer how it really works
• my Angel has agreed to read the promises for us tonight
• I get to have celebratory cake! -want some?
• waking up at 7:30 is beginning to suck less!
• just for today I am where I am supposed to be
• even though I missed HNT, the party went on without me!
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• for each and everyone of YOU - you make my mornings worthwhile!
• to be able to love self and others today...

Hope each and everyone finds themselves full of the good stuff today!!!

ALL WE DO IS TRY!

I have had a busy week so far! On Monday I had to go to another plan of care for Angel as we begin to re-integrate her home. When I first arrived, the Children's Aid worker said "I heard you had a rough weekend". I told him that yes, it had started that way, but the rest of my weekend was great! I wish I could have captured his disbelief on film, I almost laughed ! I then attempted to explain to him how I was learning to care for self and that when Angel had her melt-down with all the accompanying abuse and other behaviours, I chose to care for me and send her home! It dawned on me, when talking to a friend yesterday, that he just doesn't "get" the program. With all of the apprehensions he does, taking children out of homes of alcoholic or drug addicted parents, he has no idea about the recovery process! My friend pointed out that he probably viewed my taking care of me as at the expense of Angels' well being. I'm sure that it did come across that way, but that is so not how I meant it...

If only he knew what it has taken for me to get to where I am. If only he knew how I struggle still with all of the guilt that comes from being sober and remembering all the times when I was truly selfish and unavailable to my precious child. If only he knew that by setting a boundary, and imposing a consequence, I am trying to teach Angel that I do love her, and I love me, so I owe it to both of us to treat her mom with love and respect and self care first... But he doesn't know any of this I guess. He asked me what I will do if Angel engages in these behaviours when she is with me more often, and I no longer have the option of 'sending her back'. I told him that I had faith that we are learning to stay out of each others' way, and by taking 'time out' away from each other, we would calm down enough to talk through the problem. I had lots of people to call who love and support me in my life, people who "get" the program and can help me to stay focused. People who can remind me to not try to change Angel, but show her that I will not tolerate some behaviours by staying strong.He said that that might help me not to drink, but what about the parenting issues? He doesn't understand how much this program teaches us about life, parenting, job hunting, indeed all of the things that we need, to live better lives. Today, I am OK with his ignorance.

After the POC, I went to Walmart to pick up a few things, and I left my name on a list of people interested in employment. Yesterday I got a call to go in for an information session. There were four of us, we were given applications and reference pages, and had an initial interview, I feel it went quite well. I didn't know that I would be interviewed then, but I think I showed my enthusiasm to work at Walmart, more shall be revealed! If they are interested, I will hear from them by the end of the week for a final interview... Hello, my name is Lushgurl, how may I help you today? Tonight is relapse prevention group and then a big celebration at one of my favourite AA groups. One of the men who is celebrating 13 years, is the one who will present me with my medallion at my celebration on Friday. I can hardly wait!

And speaking of making changes in self, and self-care, here is todays Daily Reflection...

Can He now take them all- every one ?
Alcoholics Anonymous pg.76

In doing Step Six it helped me a lot to remember that I am striving for "spiritual progress". Some of my character defects may be with me for the rest of my life, but most of them have been toned down or eliminated. All that Step Six asks of me is to become willing to name my defects, claim them as my own, and be willing to discard the ones I can, just for today. As I grow in the program, many of my defects become more objectionable to me than previously and, therefore, I need to repeat Step Six so that I can become happier with myself and maintain my serenity.

You guys rock too! Have a wonderful Wednesday every one of you!

IT'S A JUNGLE IN HERE!

I had a using dream last night. I haven't had one for many years, since the last time I attempted this recovery thing. I think it is because tomorrow is officially my one year clean and sober. So in this dream, I actually have no memory of the using part- big surprise there! But I was with my new sponsor, in a school or something, and I felt VERY stoned. The thing is, because I had no memory of using, I denied that I was stoned. I definately did not like how it felt, it was like I was bordering on a major anxiety attack, so out of control... I didn't like the fact that I had to lie to cover it up either. When I woke up, I still felt at odds with me, guilty almost. So I went to take some more pictures of my garden. The first one I named "It's a jungle out here" and the second "My garden Angel". The first represents how I felt when I first woke up, and the second is a reminder to me, of how this program can be full of miracles, when we choose to see them.

Here is today's Daily Reflection, and maybe it is another message from my Higher Power on this eve of my one year...

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84

When I was drinking, my attitude was totally selfish, totally self-centered; my pleasure and my comfort came first. Now that I am sober, self-seeking has started to slip away. My whole attitude toward life and people is changing. For me, the first "A" in our name stands for attitude. My attitude is changed by the second "A" in our name, which stands for action. By working the Steps, attending meetings, and carrying the message, I can be restored to sanity. Action is the magic word! With a positive, helpful attitude and regular AA action, I can stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety. My attitude now is that I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober!

Today I am extremely grateful for the following...

• my attitude and outlook has begun to change


• to be chairing my home group for the month of June- my way of carrying the message


• to choose the speakers for June- I have decided to hear some women speak- Five of 'em!


• the jungle in my back yard does not represent my crowded mind!


• I can fill my days with activity instead of fear


• if I have everything I need, and then some, I can share with others


• today I have everything I need and then some!


• me, clean and sober for one year = a miracle in my world


• now that Angel has decided to come home, I have the opportunity to be the mom that she needs and deserves


• all of the comments (support) to my bloggy and my recovery- I never could have done this without you


• today I cry tears of gratitude, not remorse


• each and every one of YOU- I so love you guys!!!

HAPPY HALF NAKED THURSDAY!

OK, so I know I am not a member of HNT officially, but I have been faithfully blog-stalking y'all for quite a while. It seems to me, now that I am kinda getting the hang of this picture taking thing, that I should be able to post under the guise of being an official member of HNT! Oh and a BIG shout out and thank you to Christine, visit her here: http://uzdtabwild.blogspot.com/, who suggested I get down to take my pics, instead of taking them from above.... hmmmm, it seems she just may be onto something here! Oh boy, you guys are in trouble now, a monster has been created! So, in the order that they appear- these first flowers are violets, they were given to me about five years ago by a counsellor I was seeing. This next shot is of my new daffodils, I planted them last fall, but I have never successfully grown a 'stand' of daffodils before, so I am proud of any part I may have had in growing these! The last picture is of 'Trampcat' (her real name has been changed to protect her identity), whenever I am in my garden, she throws herself down at my feet so I'll pay attention to her! The poor little thing, she leads such a stressful life, what with all the many naps each day, and all of the kids in the neighborhood who want to pet her, and houses to visit when someone leaves their front door open, clearly she is in dire need of some affection!

And now, this next message is brought to you from our Daily Reflection's...

Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility- a word often misunderstood... it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we would be. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 58

I knew deep down inside that if I were ever to be joyous, happy and free, I had to share my past life with some other individual. The joy and relief I experienced after doing so were beyond description. Almost immediately after taking the Fifth Step, I felt free from the bondage of self and the bondage of alcohol. This freedom remains after 36 years, a day at a time. I found that God could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.

TodayI am grateful/thankful for the following...

• I am willing and able to accept critisism, sometimes I don't know what the heck I am doing!
• I sent my mom a Mothers' Day card thanking her for all of the things she taught me, and for giving me life
• it is not raining yet today- I hafta go get groceries, and they're predicting thunder storms
• last nights' speaker, had a great AA message and it was a 17 year birthday
• my Angel is coming to visit tomorrow, so she will be with me on Mothers' Day
• whatever I am doing this time, seems to be working.... I am clean and sober today
• the new(er)comers at my relapse prevention group, I can learn so much from them
• all of the people who drop by my little blog to say "hi !"
• all of my sober blogging friends- that means YOU- thanks for sharing with me
• Trampcat who still loves to cuddle like a kitten, even though she is over 11 years old

Bye for now...stalk to ya later!

EQUALITY

Today I am going to start with my "Daily Reflections" reading, for your pleasure and mine!...

Our membership ought to include all who suffer from Alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought AA membership depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliations. Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 563

Prior to AA, I often felt that I didn't "fit in" with the people around me. Usually "they" had more/less money than I did, and my points of view didn't jibe with "theirs". The amount of prejudice I had experienced in society had only proved to me just how phony some self-righteous people were. After joining AA. I found the way of life I had been searching for. In AA, no member is better than any other member; we're just alcoholics trying to recover from alcoholism.

On reflection of this reading I realize just how different I really felt in the outside world. I had always known that somehow I WAS different, but in my mind I translated this to mean that there was something inherently wrong with me, as in broken, unfixable. I know for me a lot of those feelings come from the messages I received as a child, the discounting of my feelings, perceptions, the very negation of the reality in which I lived. I was told that I made up stories, that I plain out lied or didn't know what I was talking about. If I was sad or crying I was told that I had no reason to cry , or I should be grateful for what I had (you know, the millions of starving kids story). So growing up, I learned to not trust myself, my own feelings, to check with someone else to tell me if I was good or bad, right or wrong, smart or dumb. valuable or worthless...

Today this has all come to a head for me once again. I guess it started on the weekend when Angel had a fight with me! I say it this way because I didn't really 'fight' back, I just let her vent , and then called for back-up. I have been told that I dealt with all this appropriately, I did a good job, I took care of me etc. But still, in my mind I had bailed on my child by 'sending her away' when things got too intense for me to deal with it. Of course running out of my meds on Sunday and having it rain all day Monday, was just enough of an opening to allow my sh*tty committee into my head again! I am after all my own worst enemy, when it comes to perception of self...So I went to the place where any (good?) self-loathing alcoholic goes. I told myself I was a BAD mommy. I told myself I had FAILED my child yet again. I told myself that maybe Angel was better off where she was because, CLEARLY I was not prepared or able to deal with her!

Yesterday I went to see my counsellor. I talked a lot 'around' the issues I have been facing. I got the praise I so crave "You took care of you, you did the right thing..." and then the tears came

*hangs head in shame* She had asked me if I was sharing this with anyone, or writing about it on my blog, "well, no" I replied, "then everyone "out there" would know that I am a bad person, but not just a regular bad person, a FAT bad person"...I had not actually been feeling the stuff that was going on in my life. Why , you ask? because I had been eating my feelings! In true addictive form I had found yet another 'old friend' to comfort me and to make sure all those icky feelings didn't come out so they could be dealt with and sent back to their rightful place as thoughts, not feelings! My counsellor gave me some activities to do to examine these feeling, put them in proper perspective and change my attitude toward myself. On the way home I picked up my meds, and a HUGE chocolate bar then proceeded to sleep for the rest of the afternoon and EAT my way through the evening...

This morning I woke up feeling a little better. At least now I have an awareness of what I have been doing, and that is a step toward change, right? In my daily blog-stalking, I usually come across many words of wisdom, sometimes I even come up with ones' of my own to leave as comments! So today was to be no different! I came across this http://todaysdailyblog.blogspot.com/">Link . It would seem that I actually am NOT all that different after all!!! I may have to change my name to "Super freak" though... and todays' reading about equality, has brought me back to the place where I know that I belong and (kinda) fit in! The rooms of AA have helped me to get clean and sober, and I know that when I'm ready they will also help me to deal with the feelings that are causing me to fall back on food. That to me, is what recovery is all about, learning to live better for me, not better than you. Learning how to take better care of me so I can be of more service to you and others. And today I am truly grateful to have this all-purpose program of recovering my life.

I ROCK THE BLOG WORLD...

Well at long last and with lots of help from Devilteen, I have made some changes to my Blog! I've changed the template--- you DID notice right? I also managed to add links to my page for your reading pleasure! As if that wasn't enough I put in a picture, no it is not actually a picture of me, but I can so relate to Eeyore and his "gloomy, gloomy day" attitude that I thought I'd share my space with him! The suspense is killing me, do you love it? As you may have noticed I kept basically the same colours but just jazzed it up a bit to make it a little more interesting, not that the posts themselves are not interesting, but it's kind of like a hook, you know, when something catches your eye so you stop to take a closer look?

I am indeed very proud of my new accomplishments. MUCHOS KUDOS to me!! By the way the saying 'Muchos Kudos" is borrowed from another Blog Buddy of mine...Brooklin Frank... check him out, he's on my links list. Apparently Frank has been trying to get this catcchy little phrase into the mainstream vocabulary and I, being the good friend that I am, will help him in this regard! I've always been just a little, shall we say 'outside the box'. I remember way back in the very early nineties, I had just moved to Toronto after spending two months in NYC. Well in NYC everybody was totally into the Peter Gabriel video called...BIG TIME! Well when I got to Toronto I started saying Big Time to everything and before I knew it, the phrase had caught on. So come on folks, let's see how long it takes to hear 'Muchos Kudos" said all over the place. It has a catchy kind of a ring to it and can be used in a variety of situations... check back through my other postings, you'll find it inserted in all kinds of ways. You are welcome Frank.

And now, on to other news and exciting business in Lushgurls world...actually there really isn't too much else new and exciting today!! Being a Sunday, the power struggle is on between me and Devilteen to see if she will work on homework, I think she is winning this battle though. Since she woke up at noon, Devilteen has eaten breakfast, taken a shower , called two people on the phone, had some lunch, tidied up her bedroom, brought her bag downstairs so she is ready to leave at six...um, am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah of course she took about a half hour to help me with my new Blog stuff! Right now it is about three thirty, and NO the homework has not been touched!!! AAAHHH....CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! Oh and Muchos Kudos to the Devilteen for being THE most imaginative when it comes to finding anything-else-under-the-sun-to-do-besides-homework!

Yup, it always amazes me how one can find a million things to do when one is avoiding an unpleasant task. I am not just taking Devilteens' inventory here, I myself have also been guilty of procrastination from time to time. Don't you DARE bring up the not-looking-for-a-job-thing as an example, OUCH, the truth hurts! She DID NOT get her penchant for procrastination from ME, all of her character defects have been gleaned from Thedonors' (BTW if you hadn't figured it out, Thedonor is my baby'sdaddy) gene pool. Devilteens imagination and creativity have come from my side of the family! Yes it is true all of her good qualities have been passed on from my grandmother to my mother to me and to Devilteen and someday on to Her children. The character defects are all direct descendants of Thedonors' family... like her need to be so dramatic and the quick- draw temper and of course the procrastination, yup that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Well, I hate to do it, but I have to go 'encourage' my child to do some of her homework. I've been busy playing free-on-line computer games, changing the look of my blog and then of course posting on said blog... I'm not avoiding the helping the child with her homework, I'm just trying to avoid another arguement (this does not count as procrastination!!!)