A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!