HERE COMES THE SUN ...

I wanted to post yesterday, because I thought I had a lot to say. But first I had the idea to download a picture to go with my post. I had a picture in mind, so all I had to do was find a suitable image and download it... simple, right? Well this is me we're talking about, and it seems that I had made plans and then told my HP what they were... As you may have noticed, there was no posting from Lushgurl yesterday! It all goes along with the theme of acceptance, I think. Try as I did, I could not find and download a picture of a winding road, not meant to be I guess! And on the theme of acceptance... even though it hurt like hell, I had begun to accept that Angel was not coming home. I had talked about it at length, here, there and everywhere (hey, I just noticed, there also seems to be another theme going on here, can you see it?). Anyway, having been able to let go of my child, I felt I was able to move on. Of course Angel is the child of (two) alcoholics, and faced with the possibility of having someone else make choices for her, decided to choose for herself! It seems that she has decided to come home YAY! But wait, there's more...

I am now faced with another fear, what if I am not able to be a good mom again? In talking to our Children's Aid Worker, Angel had asked about this very thing. The decision was made to allow her to come back home, but with a six month supervision order. So if our lives begin to unravel, she can still go back into care. Yippee, I think knowing that we have a back door, an escape hatch if you will, has eased some of the fears for both of us, We will not be condemned to stay together forever if things go terribly wrong! We can work it out... It seems that good old HP is telling Angel to "Get back to where you once belonged" ! On that note, here is today's Daily Reflection's reading...

Our spiritual and emotional growth in AA does not depend so deeply upon our success as it does upon our failures and setbacks. If you will bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs instead of kicking you down.

As Bill Sees It pg. 184

In keeping with the pain and adversity which our founders encountered and overcame in establishing AA, Bill W. sent us a clear message: a relapse can provide a positive experience toward abstinence and a lifetime of recovery. A relapse brings truth to what we hear repeatedly in the meetings- "Don't take that first drink!" It reinforces the belief in the progressive nature of the disease, and it drives home the need for, and beauty of humility in our spiritual program. Simple truths come in complicated ways to me when I become ego driven.

Today I am very thankful for the following...

• I can learn from my mistakes
• we all are human after all
• a good friend in the program has offered to pick up my medallion
• someone else is baking me a cake
• for me acceptance is the key
• the reminder that this is a simple program if I don't complicate it
• all we need is faith and fellowship and love- la la la la la- all you need is love....
• today I can choose to think positively
• for each and every one of my fellow bloggers- yes, that means YOU

Well, today I am off to go shopping with two teenagers- wish me luck!! Love you guys (just in case I don't survive said excursion!)

ELEVEN MONTHS OF MIRACLES

The following quotes were sent to me via e-mail this morning from Cali, who reminded me that today is my eleven months clean and sober... YAY ME!!! Of course it wouldn't be right to hog all the glory, 'cause as you all know, I DID NOT do this alone! And on that note...

-Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.
-Acceptance is mandatory; understanding is optional.
-"Let go or be dragged." (told to me by Jeff W.)
-"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
-"I have to remember that the people on top of the mountain didn't fall there." ~Sara T.
-If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
-I must keep my recovery first to make it last.
-"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
-"It's always the rug you've been sweeping things under that gets pulled out from under you." ~Unknown

And for more words of wisdom, today's Daily Reflection's reading is...

Lighting the dark past
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possesion you have- the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert misery and death for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124

No longer is my past an autobiography; it is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark-as some days must be- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock.

Today I am grateful/thankful for the following...

• for eleven months of clean and sober life
• that I am no longer 'locked' in my past
• that I can see how my experiences can benefit others
• for all of the AA friends, in my life- that means all of YOU
• the Maven and her hubby celebrated fourteen years together- WOW!
• I have made a new friend in the program, a woman, who 'gets' me!
• tonight I will start a new relapse prevention group- I like this better than the alternative
• my new 'old' sponsor is always there when I need her
• the phone doesn't always weigh a hundred pounds!
• I spent some time in my garden today, the hyacinths smell sooo pretty
• I have everything I need today, and then some
• it is a sunny day that reflects my mood
• I have come to believe in a Power Greater than myself, and He is restoring me to sanity

THE RETURN OF DEVILTEEN AND THE SH*TTY COMMITTEE

This being Easter weekend, seems like a good time to be looking at all the sins of my life, asking forgiveness, and moving forward. After all, didn't Jesus die for our sins? My Angel had made a decision to go to her dad's for all of this weekend, but being a teenager, she changed her mind and called me on Wednesday to TELL me, she had decided to come here for a couple of days first! No she didn't ASK if it was OK, because , after all, I don't have a life! Of course I said I would love to see her, and asked that she ASK me in the future, because it would be respectful of me. So she was supposed to come on Thursday after school. The house had called the school to pick Angel up early in the afternoon, but alas, the child had not attended her afternoon classes! When I was told of her skipping, I said that I guess Angel could come on Friday, since no one could find her at school on Thursday. I then got my butt to the woman's meeting so I wouldn't be home to receive an angry phone call..taking care of self and all of that!

Friday morning I got 'the call'- "Why did you say you didn't want to see me mom?" I explained that because she had chosen to skip school, we , the grown-ups, decided that not coming here would be an appropriate consequence. Angel did not agree with my decision. She said that it wasn't fair , because the house had consequenced her, and she didn't LIVE WITH ME, so I didn't have a right to 'double consequence her'! Tough lesson, I know, but I felt it was necessary, to send the message that skipping school would not be rewarded.

Our visit started out well enough. We watched a DVD- "Derailed" with Jennifer Anniston and Clive Owens, we had popcorn too. The movie was really good! After the movie Angel wanted to go on 'Facebook' for a while, this was fine with me, but I asked her to help me tidy up a bit first, and she was OFF... apparently helping me to tidy up our mess was the same as expecting Angel to be my maid! We had words, and then she stomped off to her room and refused to help. So I tidied up and let it go at that, The thing is, Angel does get angry with me when I try to set limits and boundaries. She doesn't like NOT getting her own way, or when I stand firm and say no! You see I was never really good at setting limits and boundaries before ( read when I was still OUT), and consequences were not followed up on because my parenting was always motivated by copious amounts of guilt.

After a while Angel came down to finish the arguement that we had started and all of the hurt and anger and unexpressed pain came out! I mean ALL of it! The two years that she had been living away from me because of my return to drug and alcohol use. The times that she had used and drank because "like mother , like daughter". All of the times that I seemed to not give a shit about her because I was too busy getting high. It all came out like a damn that had finally broken. Oh GOD! I thought, here we go, and I knew her anger was justified, and I knew that I had hurt her badly, so I had no defense. There was no way I could explain to her in a way that she could understand , how I would knowingly return to using after being clean for so long. She was crying, sobbing, so hurt and so angry, and I couldn't comfort her. She yelled at me and called me names and basically told me in many words how much I had hurt her and let her down. And then she said she didn't want to come back home because I probably would F- up again, I always did. And she could get STUFF at the house that I couldn't give her, and she didn't care anyway...

I accepted all of the angry words and accusations with a little bit of gratitude, as this was really the first time since my relapse that Angel was able to be totally honest with me about her feelings. I didn't like all of what she said, 'cause after all, the truth can really hurt sometimes. I have managed to stay clean and sober, and am doing my best to make better choices for both of us today. But this in no way alleviates the pain I have caused. And she was pissed at me- it is of course all MY fault that Angel does drugs and drinks and skips school... I told her that I could accept responsibility for my part , but I was not going to accept the blame for the choices that SHE had made, including using drugs and alcohol just because I had. The thing is, I messed up and I knew that, I let her down, and I knew that too. But at almost 16, Angel had to start making better choices for her life, which included not using drugs or drinking and not skipping school or lashing out in anger. I was not capable of MAKING her do these things, and my new life of sobriety is a choice I make today for both of us.

We ended up spending the rest of the evening apart, she in her room and me downstairs alone. While I was alone the thought came into my head that I could drink after she left, what was the use of staying sober especially if I was going to be living alone. I could hardly believe how quickly these thoughts had filled my head, how much I really felt like using at the time. It scared the crap out of me. So I prayed. I prayed to have the obsession removed, I prayed to continue to want sobriety, I prayed to have Angels' pain lessoned by hope and trust and love....

This morning I feel strong again and committed to my new life. I woke Angel up early, with a cup of coffee and we had some time to talk before she left for her dad's. She felt bad for some of the mean things she had said to me and apologized for it. I told her that I did deserve a lot of the anger and I was sorry for hurting her so badly. I also reminded her that we both have choices today, and my choices include AA and not using or drinking, but I wasn't going to promise her that I would never pick up again because I didn't know that for sure. I had the desire to stay clean and sober today, and that is all I have. She also told me that she did want to come home she is just afraid, and so am I , but I also have hope today, because Angel did lash out at me and I didn't use over it. We had a tough night last night, and we still love each other this morning. We can have times where we don't always get along or even like each other, but in the end, we can work through these things , together. That is one of the greatest gifts I could ever have in my recovery!

Check this out boys and gurls...Today's Daily Reflection's reading....He is working in my life AGAIN!!!..

A Wide Arc of Gratitude
And speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see AA's beginning.
.....The AA way of Life pg.67

Am I capable of such generous tribute and gratitude to my wife, parents and friends, without whose support I might never have survived to reach AA's doors? I will work on this and try to see the plan my Higher Power is showing me which links our lives together.

HAPPY EASTER WEEKEND TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS....I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

A FRIEND AMOUNG FRIENDS...

Happy HNT to all my brothers and sisters in recovery! And on that note here is todays' Daily Reflection reading...Enjoy...

True Brotherhood
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to get to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self centered behaviour blocked a partership relationship with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear. I hadn't seen myself in print before! Prior coming into AA, I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I'm a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I'm learning this most important lesson.

At my meeting last night we were talking about fear. I think for many of us fear played a very high priority in our drinking careers; for me it definately did- fear of people, fear of places, fear of myself even. I shared that I had a fear of going back to work, well not so much the working part, but more the process of getting to the point of working again! Only in an AA meeting could I share that I had little fear giving out my resumes or the potential interview (well maybe a lot), but I was more afraid of "what if someone actually hires me?" Yes the thought that someone would actually WANT to hire me is somehow more daunting that the job search itself! When I was handing out some resumes last week I had mentioned this in passing to a guy who worked in a store where I was applying. I swear he looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted two heads! Then I felt a little silly, when he said "Well that would be the whole point, wouldn't it!"

Yes 'earthling', the whole point of handing out all the great information about me in print WOULD ultimately be to actually GET a job, but I am an alcoholic!!! In the rooms, if I share about my (ridiculous) fears and insecurities, there will ultimately be at least one person there who will totally relate. Many others will understand and some will even laugh as they remember how at one time they too were smitten by these same insane fears of regular life. I am learning to give myself a break when these overwhelming feelings come to me. In the past, whenever I would get anywhere in the vicinity of potential success in life I would immediately find a way to sabotage it. For instance, years ago I had applied at a local grocery store, they called me for an interview. So in order to insure that I would not be hired, I showed up late for the interview, and as an added incentive that I was not suitable for the cashiers job that I had applied for, I was sporting a tension bandage on my newly sprained RIGHT hand! The interviewer sadly explaned that they were hoping to start my training process the next day, but since I was injured... and no, I did NOT get that job!

I know, I can hear you laughing, and it's OK today! I did not consciously do all this, it was my deeper, still very insecure self that could not deal with the many good things in life that sobriety had to offer me. It was the feeling of uselessness and self-pity that kept me from attaining meaningful employment. I mean , really, if I was working, and having an income that I had earned with my own skills and talents, then people would think I belonged there! And I was convinced that I didn't belong in the world of successful working folk, so I could not allow that to happen!

At almost every meeting that I attend today, someone says that coming into the rooms of AA is like coming HOME. And that is a feeling that I can relate to. I have taken a break from my job search to process and regroup, and to once again allow myself to WANT it. That is one of the many blessings that this program has given me, I am choosing to walk through my fears, but also to stop and remind myself to breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I do not feel the urge to tell potential employees that they would be crazier than I am to even consider the possibility of hiring me (hahahahahahahha....insane laughter inserted here!)

So today, my friends I am going to follow up on a lead I was given the other day. It is in a little restaurant close to my home. The hours are from six AM to two PM- hey, I could even HAVE A LIFE with those hours! Apparently, the owner is not very happy with his current help, as they don't know enough to keep the toaster filled in the very busy breakfast hours!!! I know I can do this job, it is not in a bar, I work well under stress (not sure why, but I do). At my other job, in the deli, the regulars really appreciated my knowing their names and what their regular orders were- it made them feel like they were at home!

MORE GOOD NEWS... I AM BACK!

I can hardly believe that it has been over a week since I last posted! While my ego was bruised that the world at large did not come to a screeching halt without my presense, my heart was glad to see my sober buddies still right where I left them after my last stalk-a-thon!

I have been quite sick, no, not just in the head! I have actually been ill! Last weekend was the worst I have felt since getting sober, and I remember every excruciating detail of my misery...So I am grateful for that! The child insisted on coming to visit last weekend, although I did try to talk her out of it. I had called her to say I was sick, you know, give her an out, but she said that she wanted to come anyway, and that she could help take care of me! How times have changed! When I was still drinking, she would spike my coffee for me in the morning, probably so I wouldn't take it out on her (how badly I was feeling), today, she Wanted to help me feel better!

I'm not sure exactly what was ailing me, maybe a flu bug, I just know that by Saturday night my temperature had soared to 104 degrees! The thing is, my Angel was here to wake me up and monitor my temp every so often. She brought me lots of liquids to drink, filled a cool bath for me to sit in and was just Here for me when I was feeling so badly. God I love her! What a beautiful young lady she is turning into! Despite my best efforts to bring her down with me on my personal road to hell, she stills loves me and is willing to spend the weekend with a sick mommy who sleeps alot and complains that the bath water is too cold!!! Thankfully I am feeling much better today. I am still coughing up a lung every so often, but have not had a fever since Monday. No I haven't been to a doctor yet, but will go on Monday if I am still symptomatic.

On Saturday my Angel had asked me if she could meet up with a friend that she hadn't seen in about a year. I said yes, mostly because I was too sick to entertain her, but also because she has shown herself to be trustworthy. I don't have to worry about her going out and getting into trouble ( you know, devilteen stuff like scoring drugs or shop lifting, things she USED to do). Any way the friend was a guy that she used to go to school with, and I had absolute trust in her. I gave her my cell phone 'just in case' and a couple of bus tickets for getting home. We discussed where she would be and what time she would be home and I didn't feel the need to check up on her in the hour and a half that she was out of my sight! What a great new life!

Angel had left here at about three thirty and said she'd be home in a couple of hours... at quarter to five she was back safe and sound and sharing how the visit went! That's different! Well apparently the boy was quite happy to see my daughter, and had asked if he could hold her hand. She said yes that would be ok. A little while later he asked if he could have a kiss ( in my mind as she is telling me this I'm thinking "no, stop I don't wanna hear about it!"), but she continues oblivious to my screaming fears in my mind... She tells me " you know mom, when he asked if he could kiss me I got kind of an icky feeling in my tummy. I said no because I didn't know him that well and then I told him I had to be home by four thirty". Yes , this is MY daughter I am talking about here! She said NO! She meant NO and the best part, she listened to her inner voice telling her it was time to leave! WOW, AMAZING, WAY TO GO ANGEL!!!

For all of her life I have tried to teach my Angel how to best protect herself to stay safe, I guess in part because of all the abuse I had suffered growing up but more because I wanted her to know that she could say NO, she could set boundaries and her feelings were right and valid. I remember once when she was about four, still in kindergarten, when I went to pick my Angel up the teacher took me aside and said "I have something to tell you". Of course my first thought was Oh God what did she do, what will it cost me? But to my surprise, the teacher wanted to praise me for the way I was bringing up my child... You see there was a little boy who had a crush on my Angel and for the most part she was happy to be the object of his affections, but it seemed that during the story circle, this little boy sat just a little too close,and instead of belting him or yelling at him, Angel simply said " Can you move over, you are invading my boundaries!" FOUR years old at the time!

The teacher thought this was so incredibly cute, but also got how important this lesson was to give a little girl such a strong sense of self. YOU GO GIRL!!! I have seen Angel do stuff like this many different times throughout her life and am always quite amazed and proud of her. It hasn't always been easy either. One time an ' Auntie' was leaving after spending the weekend with us, the auntie said come and give me a hug and kiss goodbye, but Angel said "NO". Auntie was quite offended and tried to insist on the hug/kiss thing at which point I spoke up and repeated that Angel said no and you have to respect that. Funny how people just assume that if you are a grown up a child must do what they are told. I have shared many a time that Angel has said no to me which has led me to pull out my hair, but I truly believe that it is all good, especially when I see her standing up for herself and not doing something just to not offend another person. As much as I wish I had been told it was ok to say no when I was little, I am so grateful to be able to teach this to my child today.

In keeping with my happy frame of mind today, here is my 'Daily Reflections' reading for today...

A THANKFUL HEART
I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one's heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.
As Bill sees it pg. 37

My sponsor told me that I should be a grateful alcoholic and have "an attitude of gratitude"--- that gratitude was the basic ingredient of humility and that "anonymity was the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities". As a result of this guidance, I can start every morning on my knees thanking God for three things: I am alive, I am sober and I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Then I try to live an "attitude of gratitude" and thoroughly enjoy another twenty four hours of the AA way of life. AA is not just something I joined, it is something I live.

Here's wishing you all another gift of a happy and grateful attitude throughout your day!